Saying Goodbye

Today, Atlas, a very loved clinic cat that belonged to all of us at my vet office was put down. Everyone working there has taken care of him in some way and just the same, Atlas has touched their lives. You could find him posted on the front counter as people came into the vet hospital or sleeping in his favorite spot under the computer. I loved caring for him and really am going to miss him so very much.

Before leaving today, the doctor called us all into the treatment area and told us it was time to say goodbye to Atlas, as he was suffering from a medical condition that has worsened. I’ve never before been in a professional setting, surrounded by people, and witnessed every single person in that room start crying. You could see the pain on everyone’s faces and literally feel the extreme sadness in the air. We were given the option to stay or go for the euthanasia. No one left. I took a picture of everyone touching him at once and some people saying goodbye. I took this picture:

I cried in the office along with everyone else, I cried in my car, and I cried when I got home. As much as I did not want to watch him go, I wanted to be there. It was an odd feeling. The room felt united with all of us there together. All of us losing him. For twenty or so minutes, we were all on the same page. .We were hurting.

RIP Atlas ❤

Trees and Sky Photography + mini update

Recently, I’ve found something very beautiful about trees. I keep wanting to photograph them! This picture above was taken outside my work on December 2014. It was sunrise and the sky was beautiful. There is something about dark trees against a lit up sky….

This is a mini update.  I got my leave approved so I will be going to Ohio for my birthday (Dec 31st!) to visit a good friend.  After working nine months and not ever seeing a four consecutive day off stretch, this is really exciting.

Right now, it looks like I am going back to college for education in January. It’s been a hard decision. I struggle between doing things I am passionate about (photography and animals) and doing a career in which I would be able to live comfortably.   I don’t even want to be rich…I just want to be able to eat more than turkey sandwiches .

The stick shift didn’t work out. I thought I got the hang of it but broke it again. 😦 So my grandfather ended up helping me get a 2013 Nissan Versa AUTOMATIC that is beautiful and good on gas.  It does not need any duct tape which is super exciting.  I can also travel in it without feeling like it’s going to fall apart or blow away at any given moment. CANNOT EXPLAIN WHAT A RELIEF AND HOW GRATEFUL I AM.

I’ve been going to the gym more after work which is good! I don’t think about my x anywhere near as much as I used too. Every once in a while something makes me sad but there are no longer days where I cry all the way home because I miss the way things were. I honestly don’t remember the way things were or what it really felt like to not want to love those times.  From where I was last December to where I am today is really amazing. I’m stronger, independent, have more self worth, have held one full time job, getting back into school, starting to date again (that’s a while different post), and am beginning to be able to balance my life better. I feel like the past several months I have been surviving. Now it’s time to actually start LIVING. 🙂

Thank you to all who have supported me, been there through my divorce, and given advice.  ❤

The Nightmare Before Christmas

I want to take a moment and say how unbelievably sorry I am to all the families of the victims in the Connecticut shootings. It could have been any of us or any of our children. I cannot begin to understand what goes through the mind of people that murder children. They are so incredibly innocent. How can someone feel that justice is serve by killing even on of them? 😦 And of course the killer always has to kill himself before police lay hands on him. This mass shooting is literally the Nightmare Before Christmas.

To all those who passed away today..the teachers, children, mothers, fathers, principle. I dedicate this song to you.

The Band Perry

“If I Die Young”

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a, bed of roses Sink me in the river, at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh, And life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well I’ve had just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well I’ve had just enough time
And I’ll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger, I’ve never known the lovin’ of a man But it sure felt nice when he was holdin’ my hand, There’s a boy here in town, says he’ll love me forever, Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well, I’ve had just enough time
So put on your best, boys, and I’ll wear my pearls What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’ Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’
If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh) The ballad of a dove (oh, uh) Go with peace and love Gather up your tears, keep ’em in your pocket Save ’em for a time when you’re really gonna need ’em, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well I’ve had just enough time
So put on your best, boys, and I’ll wear my pearls.

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It’s crazy how on an average day I am strong. I can get through it. I ignore the pain and bury it somewhere deep within me. It still burns and rumbles as if it’s about to explode but it stays stationary.  All it takes though is watching something on tv … often a scene of a dying parent… especially watching tears of a child losing their parent…for that pain to rip through me entire body. My mind. My body. My soul hurts. I mourn two parents which I never got the chance to really have.  My father had his parental rights taken away before I was born. By the time I was 18 and had all my hopes built up I got to meet him. There were a handful of meeting… I had imagined them being full of apologies, talks of the future, and many phone calls. I had put in such a severe amount of effort into imagining that he would come for me one day.That he would make it all different. Without going into too much detail I was wrong. He wanted me to make the calls and got angry if his were not returned in a timely fashion. Everything had to be on his schedule. Let’s just say I closed this book before it made it through its first chapter.

My mom well.. I havent talked to her in several years. And all the questions of do you talk to your mom, will you ever talk to her again, why don’t you talk to her I feel I have the right not to answer. Plain and simple, sometimes we are healthier living away from certain people. That does not mean we don’t care…it just mean we hit a point where we have to love ourselves more.

So anyway what set this post into motion is that I was watching the end of One Tree Hill tonight. I’ve LOVED that show and would recommend it to anyone. Towards the end though without giving much away… a certain scene just struck that nerve. That caused the tears to surface. The lump to form in my throat. And my heart to bleed a bit. How is it possible to be sad about losing something you never had to begin with?