It’s crazy how on an average day I am strong. I can get through it. I ignore the pain and bury it somewhere deep within me. It still burns and rumbles as if it’s about to explode but it stays stationary. All it takes though is watching something on tv … often a scene of a dying parent… especially watching tears of a child losing their parent…for that pain to rip through me entire body. My mind. My body. My soul hurts. I mourn two parents which I never got the chance to really have. My father had his parental rights taken away before I was born. By the time I was 18 and had all my hopes built up I got to meet him. There were a handful of meeting… I had imagined them being full of apologies, talks of the future, and many phone calls. I had put in such a severe amount of effort into imagining that he would come for me one day.That he would make it all different. Without going into too much detail I was wrong. He wanted me to make the calls and got angry if his were not returned in a timely fashion. Everything had to be on his schedule. Let’s just say I closed this book before it made it through its first chapter.
My mom well.. I havent talked to her in several years. And all the questions of do you talk to your mom, will you ever talk to her again, why don’t you talk to her I feel I have the right not to answer. Plain and simple, sometimes we are healthier living away from certain people. That does not mean we don’t care…it just mean we hit a point where we have to love ourselves more.
So anyway what set this post into motion is that I was watching the end of One Tree Hill tonight. I’ve LOVED that show and would recommend it to anyone. Towards the end though without giving much away… a certain scene just struck that nerve. That caused the tears to surface. The lump to form in my throat. And my heart to bleed a bit. How is it possible to be sad about losing something you never had to begin with?