It’s crazy how on an average day I am strong. I can get through it. I ignore the pain and bury it somewhere deep within me. It still burns and rumbles as if it’s about to explode but it stays stationary.  All it takes though is watching something on tv … often a scene of a dying parent… especially watching tears of a child losing their parent…for that pain to rip through me entire body. My mind. My body. My soul hurts. I mourn two parents which I never got the chance to really have.  My father had his parental rights taken away before I was born. By the time I was 18 and had all my hopes built up I got to meet him. There were a handful of meeting… I had imagined them being full of apologies, talks of the future, and many phone calls. I had put in such a severe amount of effort into imagining that he would come for me one day.That he would make it all different. Without going into too much detail I was wrong. He wanted me to make the calls and got angry if his were not returned in a timely fashion. Everything had to be on his schedule. Let’s just say I closed this book before it made it through its first chapter.

My mom well.. I havent talked to her in several years. And all the questions of do you talk to your mom, will you ever talk to her again, why don’t you talk to her I feel I have the right not to answer. Plain and simple, sometimes we are healthier living away from certain people. That does not mean we don’t care…it just mean we hit a point where we have to love ourselves more.

So anyway what set this post into motion is that I was watching the end of One Tree Hill tonight. I’ve LOVED that show and would recommend it to anyone. Towards the end though without giving much away… a certain scene just struck that nerve. That caused the tears to surface. The lump to form in my throat. And my heart to bleed a bit. How is it possible to be sad about losing something you never had to begin with?

 

 

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2 thoughts on “

  1. I don’t think people who have had a healthy, relatively normal childhood understand those who haven’t. My parents split when I was in high school and my dad remarried and moved away. It took years for me to repair my relationship with my dad and my relationship with my mom hasn’t been the same since the divorce. There are still moments where I see or hear or read something that makes me break in to tears because I feel abandoned by them both. My dad has a new wife and a new daughter and I still feel left out of his life. My mom still spends her time at bars and actively avoids being involved in my life or Jude’s. Do I wish that I could have a great relationship with both my parents and that we’d all be able to spend time together and get along? Sure. But it’s not going to happen. The best thing I can do is work at getting along with my dad and avoid my mom as much as possible. And even with all of that I still couldn’t possibly relate to how you and Jordan must feel about your family life. I definitely don’t think you should force a relationship with people who only have a negative, unhealthy impact on your life, no matter who they are. The entire point of having family and friends is that they’re supposed to be there for you and support you and love you unconditionally. And when your parents or anyone in your life doesn’t do that for you, you give them up and create your own family. I consider you and Jordan more like family than a lot of my relatives.

  2. Thanks Kristin for posting that! I’m sorry for all of us that we never got to experience having the family that we deserved. I wish it had not been so hard for all of us Feeling abandoned is one of the worst feelings I think here is above sadness and dissapointment. I give you props for loving your mom through this time that she is going through. In that situation I feel you are a lot stronger and mature than what I would be. Even though Jordan tends to say I am Mother Theresa I must attest that I am in fact not haha. As flattering as it is. I tend to handle situations very immaturely. There are a lot of things I regret doing. Including once throwing an entire drink into my moms face as well as hitting her. Def a low point in my life.

    It’s nice to hear someone say that you should not have to force a relationship with anyone who has a negative outlook. The other night Nick was like well Why dont YOU ever call my mom? REALLY . I’m coming to the realization that you can’t make people see things through your eyes. Some people will never and maybe can never get it. This is a really hard realization to come to. It makes me feel really alone.

    I agree that you and Jordan are family and that to make a family sometimes you must create one! ❤

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