Burned OUT & The Bell Jar

I am so emotionally and physically exhausted. I can’t figure out if it’s from my job, going to school online full-time, depression, or everything combined. Most likely, it’s that last one. I called out of one of my jobs today because I felt too exhausted and emotionally/physically unwell to go. This concerns me because I have never literally not gone to a job that I actually like because I felt too down.  Instead, I opted to go to Barnes and Noble to get a coffee and read “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath.

 bell jar

This is SUCH a good book. If you liked the movie/book Girl Interrupted seriously, check this one out! It may be much older but it’s much better in my opinion. It scares me how much I identify with the main character. She wants to do everything and be everything but no matter where she turns, it seems a door is being shut in her face.   She lives in the same room as her mother at home and clearly would rather die than continue living in this house.  Please no one tell me what happens in the end 🙂 I’m almost finished.  I can relate to how badly she wants to be happy and succeed.  The more she tries to appear normal though the “crazier” she begins to come across. I do not see it as “crazy” though. I feel that in a vast majority of cases people develop certain strange tendencies because of how they were raised and trauma they experience.  People are afraid of what they do not understand which is why it’s labeled as “crazy.” Something that I do is that I mutter. It started maybe a year ago and it’s gotten worse. I don’t mean I mutter a song from the radio. I am referring to the fact that I can be watching a show and repeat out loud one of the words that the person on the show just said. I have no idea why I do this. My brain registers that I do it after I’ve already said something.   I will also find myself smiling or crying out of the clear blue for no real apparent reason. Once again, my I realize I am doing it after the fact….. Maybe it is some kind of tick or some left over side effect from my mothers conditions that she dealt with. I’ve been tested though and counselors have never found anything. Hence, why I can relate to the character in The Bell Jar. Her fear of being moved into a better house in her institution. Everyone around her feels she is better…. everyone but her.

I can’t figure anything out with college. Despite my vast search everything continues to be incredibly expensive, not have my major, or have no distance education program. When I went to Barnes and Noble today they had TONS of books on Education but none on going into Human Services or Social Services. Why ? I feel like my major is literally invisible. All they had were a bunch of testing books. I opened a Human Services one and I tell you what…I felt so overwhelmed that I almost considered NOT going into that profession.  I feel really lost and un talented. I envy people who have OPTIONS. Like hmm I could be a violin player in an orchestra or I could go teach English to Ethiopians kind of shit. That must be really nice…….

sorry feeling so bummed tonight. On the bright side, I did push through it and get on the Elliptical for my 20 mins despite it all.

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