The Desperation of Friendship (LONG)

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For all those who read my rant last night, thank you. I had a moment where I just needed to vent. An entire bag of candy corn ended up being eaten last night. I ate the other 1/4 bag after I wrote the blog!! Anyway, it was just one of those days.

I want to do a post about friendship tonight. This post may be inspired by certain events in my life but is not directed at any one person.

The definition of a “friend” varies from person to person. I do not expect everyone to agree with this post. But, I would like to share what Friendship is and is not to me.

Friendship with me is NOT About

Agreeing with me

Following my blog

Answering every phone call

Changing Yourself

Telling me what is “appropriate” to write about

Boundaries

Saying I need to be more positive

Telling me what I want to hear

Hanging out with me all the time

Sharing my interests

Copying me

Giving me money or things

Shutting Down

Having common ground

Trying to recruit 50000 other people to be our friends

 Friendship IS About

If we have a fight, you don’t turn around and let other people talk about me. In fact, you still feel incredibly compelled to defend me, even to a mutual friend.

Driving cross-country to get to the other in the event of an emergency or crisis

Sharing (stories, books, laughs)

The freedom to call or come over anytime you need too. I may not be there or answer, but it doesn’t mean you are not welcome to contact me.

Asking how your friend is and being ready to hear the truth

Listening- If I don’t want to cry around you, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means, I feel stronger when you are there.

Hugging or some form of letting a me (and vice versa) know that we mean something dear

Promises

Secrets

Communication

Compassion

Differences- Appreciating and learning from each others contrasting view points and styles

Family – If you are my friend, I would protect and defend you as if you were family. And if we both agree, I will claim you as actual family 🙂

In the past few days, I have come to the shocking realization, that I have been functioning with my friendships as if I were desperate.  The only person that I really have to blame for that is myself.  This has been a problem ever since I was little. I was never the popular girl much less the middle class girl. Let’s put it this way, if private Christian school was considered to have a class system, I was at the bottom of the totem pole. From a young age, I put on  a lot of weight. Without realizing it, I’m sure my intense stress eating (remember the candy corns from last night?) began happening.  Girls began dating and I was never asked. EVER. I remember once offering to PAY a boy to take me out. Cold hard cash. He would not do it. He was never nice to me so either I figure a shred of morality kicked in or he didn’t want to tarnish his reputation. Anyway, that type of desperation to fit in has stayed with me. I’ve killed myself trying to be thin, accepted, and loved my entire life. I set the bar high for friends today though. In all reality, I’m afraid of extreme rejection that seems to continue to follow me.

Continuing on with my realization…..

It has occurred to me that I do have people in my life that would do anything for me.  That I know, without a doubt, would be there in the event I needed them. Even if that meant driving all night to do so. But then, there have been people this year that have not been a friend to me. People that would rather fight than fix things. People that would prefer to feel I have turned on them, when in all reality, they turned on the very blueprint that our friendship was built upon.

Where the desperation comes in is when, without psychologically realizing it, I’ve wanted them to be right.  I would in all actuality  rather throw myself under the bus to save something I truly valued at one point in my life than to have it destroyed.  I’ve sent more apology emails this year to people involving fights than I have in my entire life. The word “sorry” has been handed out as if it were Christmas candy samples. And looking back, I realize that all those apologies added up to was the sacrifice of my own dignity. I am the one left holding the sign “I’m Desperate.”

I’M ALWAYS THE ONE TO STEP UP AND SAY I WAS WRONG TO TRY AND SAVE A FRIENDSHIP.

Not only am I desperate, I’m also often a liar.

And I am so incredibly tired of it

Friendship is not always equal, but it should not feel like an elephant is on one side of the scale and a snail is on the other. If your friendship feels like this, then I must say I identify with you greatly at this moment. And I am throwing this one personal fact out there. If the people who read it know who they are, well then I honestly don’t care. Because this has been one of the most hurtful facts.  My sister died a few months ago. Most PAINFUL experience of my life. Hands down. I think it was one of the Indian tribes that would rip your heart out and while it was still beating, eat it. Yeah, her dying felt something like that happening to me. I had several friends who, not once, checked on me during that time and still to this day.  Granted there were controversial issues going on at the time. But, who doesn’t stop dramatic crap to pick up the phone and go, ARE YOU OKAY? How can I be there for you right now? If my friends sibling died, EVERYTHING would be set aside. I don’t care if they had called be a stupid fat whore the day before. That love and loyalty that I had felt for years for them would zap me back to reality, and I would call them.

Two of my very close friends did not call nor really seem to care all that much

 So, I’m stating this for all to read

I, Jenny Laura Fusco, absolutely refuse to have these types of friendships anymore.

I commit to finding myself, loving myself, and being okay with being alone at times.

11.18.2013

There is no friendship in this world worth sacrificing yourself over to have. Love yourself enough to realize that if your friend loved you too, they would see you for who you are. They would work with you, not against you. They would hold your hand through the pain. And at the end of the day, regardless of what was going on, they would have your back. Stop making excuses for people just to keep them in your life. Yes, they may “stay” but what does it really help?

Friendship can be like cutting if it’s unhealthy. If you are hurting yourself, my friend, it’s time to tell the person goodbye.

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5 thoughts on “The Desperation of Friendship (LONG)

  1. Remember that email I sent you several months back about “bad friends”? Right! Selfish people don’t really change much. We’d like to think they do, but they really don’t. Save yourself. You’re a good person and you truly have a heart of gold. You give a damn, and it shows, Jen. I’m glad to call you friend. :0) xo

  2. Yes I do remember that email 🙂 To be honest, I was really hoping on that one particular thing you were wrong (forgive me). I just wanted to think that….everything can some how be fixed. Clearly, you were right. ❤ And thanks I hope header turns out well. Having an Etsy graphic artist do come color altering but it's a premade banner. Going to start off with that. She does good work though so fingers crossed it looks awesome! Also, got Sylvia Plaths Unabridged Journal book today. I started it and didn't want to put it down. It's just so large!!

  3. Hey, I was hoping I was wrong too. :0( Experience has taught me some painful things in life- the hard way. You’re a smart girl though, and you’re still really young! You don’t need to be shred through the meat grinder. We get enough of that by default, we don’t need people who do it for sport.

    Yeah, I have the Plath jounal online (ebook) and I’m simultaneously reading the Bell Jar. I think of you..haha. (Just because you love it so much.) Really though, there’ll never be another Plath. Even in her journal her personal style was so poetic. Can you imagine writing like that thinking nobody will ever read it? it’s just “you”. That blows me away. Anyway, I have to get ready for another assignment. I’m down to my last 5 assignments- and only two more days (for now) with the internet..it’s a mad race against the clock- wish me luck. xo (Graduation in a few weeks!)

  4. Oh I loved the Bell Jar! I had someone very concerned I enjoyed it like I did . I tend to be drawn to those darker true stories haha. I was thinking about that fact the other day too. How do people write like that naturally!? I mean my journal, so help people if it got published, is like well today f******* sucked. hahahaha. That’s some beautiful writing right there. And that sounds so intense what you are doing! I think it’s great. You are almost there!!! super proud ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ Good Luck!!!!!!!!!

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