Books & Baggy Eyes

I feel so peaceful when I am around books. Whenever I am going through something hard, I make every effort to surround myself with books. Stories to me are old friends and amazing support systems. Tonight, I found myself contemplating cigarettes (I don’t smoke) at the gas station while I pumped gas.  Instead, I opted for a coffee and a book store. It brought me a lot of comfort in a silent calming sort of way.

Last night, I once again drank a bottle with my friend. We watched love movies and she chain smoked out the window of the house she hates living in. Her little red and gold Christmas tree is still up. As if to say, it’s going to be ok…it’s supposed to be ok…

Everything in my life right now feels hard and painful. I want to drink, smoke, cut, pierce, throw up, get tattooed, tear up a punching bag, scream, cry, and literally die. Everything hurts. Everything feels unfair.

I would go into more detail and perhaps once time has passed, it will be appropriate. But right now I can only share that I am dealing with a very painful and sad issue that involves love.

If you pray, please pray for strength for me. ❤


5 thoughts on “Books & Baggy Eyes

  1. Hun, this sucks to hear you so stressed. What the hell is going on? I hope you’re dealing with whatever alright. It sounds rough but everything passes and is okay in the end (and this is coming from someone who is not in the least bit religious. But even for me it all turns out).

    “I want to drink, smoke, cut, pierce, throw up, get tattooed, tear up a punching bag, scream, cry, and literally die”. Not all of that is bad. I’m all down for drinking, smoking (depending what and within moderation), tattooing is good as well as pierce, screaming and crying is effective including tearing up a punching bag but just try to rid yourself of the throwing up, cutting and dying (take it from me). Everything always turns out.

    I don’t pray but I will be thinking of you and I know you can pull through whatever trouble you’re in on your own. You’re a strong enough person and know that someone thousands of miles away from you is rooting for you. If you want to message me you can catch me on Hope you’re alright though =)

  2. Jen, this is the most beautiful, HONEST, post I’ve ever read from you. It gave me goosebumps, made me laugh, and cry all at the same time! (I didn’t even know that was possible..heheh.) I got a kick out of the “contemplating cigarettes” part, being a former smoker of 18 years. I still consider it every now and then and think, “I’m 44. I’m too old to fart around with that stuff.” :0)

    For what ti’s worth, keep this in mind. When a seedling (in the deep, dark ground) is ready to shoot out with deeper roots, its whole world is shaken, literally. The pressure inside the seed is enormous and the hull swells up until finally, the pressure breaks blows it apart! Then, and only then, will the seed be able to reach down with its roots waaaaay down into the dark, deep soil, and tap into the life-giving water that is there.

    Your world is shaking and swelling and everything’s getting ready to bust! But hey, this is actually good news, because this is how “true growth” takes place, and real progress. From all of this “chaos” will come beautiful experiences that you would never have known otherwise. Walk through the damage…I call it “firewalking”. You’re getting new feet, remember me saying that a while back? Those feet aren’t cheap! They cost a lot of tears and sorrow. But hey, when its all said and done, you’ll be able to walk through ANYTHING.

    Hang in there, girlfriend. I know you’ve been through worse than this, and you’re a tough cookie! Love ya! xoxo

  3. Thank you guys for the support. I am thinking about making a post going into more depth about what is going on. Birgitta, I am glad you thought this was one of my best posts, as I was sure it sounded like one of my worst hahah! You know you have been through stuff when you can laugh in the most horrible moments. I just got off the phone with my grandmother and told her that this relationship issue was nothing, I had been through much worse. I think she was shocked at how calm and chipper I sounded. ❤ Thank you for telling me about the seed thing. That actually makes me feel quite a lot better !! I went to church this morning by myself. I cannot recall when I EVER went to church by myself. I sat in the last row ready to make a sprint for the door in case something crazy happened ha!!! Talk about being on edge right? Anyway, I felt stronger when I walked out and had one of the best days in I don't know when. I went running, had a bagel and coffee by the lake, walked, thought, and just felt at peace. Finally. For the first time in so long. Love both of you guys for following me, sticking by me, and reaching out to me. Seriously. Yall are not followers. You are friends. Real friends.

  4. Oh and don’t ever stop writing things like ti’s . There is nothing like totally switching up a word to make me smile. Remember when one time my apostrophe went the opposite direction and you were like: how did you even make that happen hahahh. …

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