So something about me that people either love or fear is how open I am. I share with the world how I am feeling. I’m thankful that I have had many days where this blog has been colorful and bright. Each post I make is a representation of what I am going through as a person. I feel that when someone puts their heart (literally) into their blog, others can feel it. Tonight, I watched an ABC wedding of Shawn and Catherine (The last couple from The Bachelor). I witnessed them say their vows Live, watched as Shawn cried when he first saw his bride, and how the preacher (Shawn’s dad) welcomed his new wife to the family while expressing how in love they were with him. My facebook status shortly after watching this wedding was something along the lines of “I don’t know whether I want to drink or die.” Is it possible to do both? I cried through the majority of that special tonight.
For those that do not know, I am going through a “separation.” What the hell does that word even mean? It’s not like I am flying off to another country. This is not one of those deals where things may work out, issues can be worked on, or trust can be repaired. I’m being left by someone I have loved beyond what words can express. Someone whom I have stood by in the darkness of hell and the light of heaven. I feel confused, angry, and unbelievably sad. I’ve been left before but never by someone I was married too. The last time, I numbed out the pain by crying very little. On one of the rare occasions I did cry, I curled up like a child to my brother and sobbed. I should have done it more. I didn’t allow myself to feel enough. It was some kind of survival mechanism. This time, I refuse to run, hide, or ignore. I want to feel the cruelty of life, the betrayal of promises once made, and everything in between.
Tonight, I share the piece of myself that feels with you.