Cry

sadness2

So something about me that people either love or fear is how open I am. I share with the world how I am feeling. I’m thankful that I have had  many days where this blog has been colorful and bright.  Each post I make is a representation of what I am going through as a person.  I feel that when someone puts their heart (literally) into their blog, others can feel it.  Tonight, I watched an ABC wedding of Shawn and Catherine  (The last couple from The Bachelor). I witnessed them say their vows Live, watched as Shawn cried when he first saw his bride, and how the preacher (Shawn’s dad) welcomed his new wife to the family while expressing how in love they were with him.  My facebook status shortly after watching this wedding was something along the lines of “I don’t know whether I want to drink or die.”   Is it possible to do both? I cried through the majority of that special tonight.

For those that do not know, I am going through a “separation.” What the hell does that word even mean? It’s not like I am flying off to another country. This is not one of those deals where things may work out, issues can be worked on, or trust can be repaired. I’m being left by someone I have loved beyond what words can express. Someone whom I have stood by in the darkness of hell and the light of heaven. I feel confused, angry, and unbelievably sad. I’ve been left before but never by someone I was married too.  The last time, I numbed out the pain by crying very little. On one of the rare occasions I did cry, I curled up like a child to my brother and sobbed.  I should have done it more. I didn’t allow myself to feel enough. It was some kind of survival mechanism. This time, I refuse to run, hide, or ignore. I want to feel the cruelty of life, the betrayal of promises once made, and everything in between.

Tonight, I share the piece of myself that feels with you.

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5 thoughts on “Cry

  1. Thanks so much for the support ❤ I can't believe I am having to experience being left again. It's so painful and hard but I have to remember that the worst times in my life have ALWAYS passed. It's just getting through the storm that is rough. ❤ again thank you for caring, following, and motivating me.

  2. Again, one of the most powerful testimonies I’ve read from you! Wow, Jen. I LOVE this openness. Because this is what reaches people. We bleed, we die. We cry. We fall, we rise. We hide. We run. And then, we begin to scab over from all of the pain, and only THEN can we be any good to anybody else. We don’t have to suffer in vain! The salt that burns us can heal somebody else- always remember that.

    I see a new strength rising up in you. I LOVE IT. :0) Don’t mind the naysayers. There WILL be people who will want to tell you that you’re contradicting yourself, drinking to much, saying too much, bleeding too much publicly, not bleeding enough- too this, not enough that- blah blah.

    In the end, you have to do what YOU have to do. Be strong in who you are! Even if that means wailing on the ground and screaming your head off in pain. Get it out. :0) And I tell you, that’s one of the things that I love about you. You’re a VERY STRONG person.

    On that note, I’m so sorry! I had no idea you guys were separated. I was with Josh (as you know) for a long time- years. He was my world, truly. I tossed him out more than a month ago (I’m guessing?) and I’ve been like a ‘rage tornado’ since. And I talk to God about it. I can’t hide it from Him- He knows I’m pissed! heheh… and I know that He’s (God) merciful and so loving to wait until the storm is over and I can feel peace again. Same with you. You don’t have to be a ray of sunshine 24/7! Be REAL. That means bad stuff too, but you know, you inspire me so much with your openness and honesty. Thank you for that.

    It hurts like hell to grow! it’s painful! And if you need a glass or three of wine, drink some, darn it. I did that for 10 years after my two girls were taken (many moons ago). I promise you, you’re going to be stronger, better, wiser, and have so much more room in your heart (for better things) after all of this is over.

    p.s.

    I absolutely LOVE this pic! Look at the bokeh-tears!
    It’s a badass tear shot if I do say so myself, and, I’ve taken my share in the past few months. ;0) xoxoxo Hang in there.

    1. Hey Birgitta!

      Thank you for all that you said there. I can’t tell you how many people have been uncomfortable with the type of open person I am. Including counselors. Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I don’t want to leave the house. OR days where I take a second shower because I have cried so much my hair is stuck together from being so wet. But for whatever reason, to share my pain openly makes it better. I guess maybe it’s that I am acknowledging it and in doing this, I force myself to feel. I also want to look back one day, reread this, and go damn I survived a lot of shit. haha.

      People like you who have been through it keep me extremely strong. Ever since meeting you, you have given me an incredible amount of strength on a regular basis. Sometimes by responses like this and other times by sharing your story. Who you are comes out in your photography and I admire this greatly as well.

      I must admit it feels incredibly empowering to not be running this time. Last time I left and moved in on a friends floor next to her bed. Moved out of state actually (at the time I was in VA so I moved back to SC). Only to later return to VA, marry the person that left me, and find myself having this happening to me again in SC. It’s so overwhelming that I feel numb the majority of the time. I have definitely turned to exercising though instead of eating. I feel as devastated as I am, this time being left is different. I’m stronger this go around and against all odds, I am doing everything I can to live through this.

      Thank you again for all your support! ❤ I've never taken and posted a tear shot before. I just thought it makes a post more powerful if it has your own emotion in it. Happy that it turned out as a strong picture 🙂

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