Stronger September

I’ve realized that when life gets really hard, I often deal with it by just plain old NOT DEALING.  My way of comforting myself I guess is by numbing life out and put on this mask that screams: this girl is absolutely fine.  I kid you not, I was told by a sweet girl I work with that she would have never known my car just broke down because when I came to work I was smiling and looked like I had just eaten some waffles. (I’ve gotten amazing at that masking thing apparently). I’m unsure why at certain points I can handle blogging and others I cannot. Each time I’ve tried to come back to this, it’s been a bit of a failed attempt.  Here is some good news though….

I believe I am not at a better, stronger, more mature place than I’ve probably ever been.  Below is a picture of myself and what my facebook status from a few days ago:

“It’s true. You really do all the sudden realize one day that a weight is just gone. My eyes have looked so weak and sad in pictures for like the past 9 months. Having taken a picture today, I just looked at and realized,\the intense emotional weight from my marriage ending that I’ve been carrying around is gone.”

I'm Stronger,jpg

For those that do not know, my soon to be x husband told me he wanted a divorce on Christmas of 2013 at my in laws house. Romantic stuff right? The next six months were the most traumatic, hurtful, and confusing months of my life. Want to talk about hitting a breaking point!! I literally thought I was going to die. I’ve moved to two different locations, gone through three different cars, gotten in a car accident, cried more tears than I thought was even humanly possible to produce, and felt a sense of helplessness that went deeper than the ocean.

But through all of that, I survived.  Within two months of being told about the divorce, I found and continue to hold the same full time job (often working over time). I went to work looking like crap and went home looking worse. But what’s the most amazing thing for someone that has just had all that has made them feel safe stripped from them is that, I went.  Looking back today, I’m proud of that.  And I’m better.

There are so many other things I want to say, but for tonight, this is good. It’s a start. And I’ve officially started over. ❤ Thank you to all those that have followed me, supported me, and advised me.

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3 thoughts on “Stronger September

  1. Well Jen, the school-monster has officially eaten my head off, but please know that you have been in my thoughts, literally DAILY. I know that you’ve gone through one hell of a tough time, and somewhere (a good while back) I had a feeling that you would have a tough time down the road! This is why I’ve always tried to encourage you to be strong and remember who you are. It’s ok to break! (It’s inevitable.) it’s ok to scream (it helps!). And also, it’s ok to have a glass of wine (or 10) without all of the affirmative action crap attached telling you that you may have a “problem” if you have some wine. (Ugh. That stuff gets old, doesn’t it?)

    Somewhere a ways back, I knew that God would be “trying” you. That’s His way of telling you He wants bigger and better for you. Unfortunately, that means PAIN. But we do grow from it. We become wiser, stronger, and deeper in compassion for others- but it sure is hell getting there!

    I have missed the hell out of you. Do me a favour, will you? Give me your (new) email address again, will you? I’ll write you good and proper like soon. 😉 I’m so darn proud of you for hanging in there like you have. it’s so easy to simply give up. NEVER GIVE UP. I’ve had my own hell to contend with (and a breakdown or two- ha!) but that’s life, eh?

    I’ll write more later- all of my deadlines (in all 4 classes) are tonight at midnight- so I have to hussle! But I had to pop in and let you know that I’m so glad you’re posting again. Hey, remember this: don’t put major pressures on yourself and feel like you have to post always. You know? Post when you feel that you can, or have something that you need to say. Don’t feel bad (or like you’ve failed somehow) if you don’t post for months. The “quiet seasons” are absolutely necessary. We learn things when we’re in the deep, cold, dark ground. And think of this- a seed literally “dies” when it goes into the ground. it’s alone, cold, and encased by darkness. Its shell withstands incredible pressure so that it it will eventually crack open. (Sound familiar?!) But it’s all of that pressure and the breaking apart of its shell that causes its roots to thrust downward to the moisture that it needs to grow. I know this is a cheesy analogy, but this is what you’ve been going through! It’s not damage and destruction. It sure feels like it- but it’s “growth” and a blessing in disguise.

    I love ya! Chat more later. 😉

  2. How I’ve missed your responses ❤ !!!! Thank you girl for all you said. For both the inspiration and the understanding of where I am at. I love the seed in the dark earth comparison. If that isn't the damn description of my life I don't know what is. But like you always told me, I will make it through it and be stronger for it. I feel stronger inside. I'm now at a living situation that is much more peaceful where I feel comfortable and have continued to keep the same job. I'm waiting till I get "in state" which will be in Jan 2014 to start school. I feel lead to go into being a Vet Tech. I had signed up for EMT classes but at the last minute I got a full refund and backed out. To many that is "quitting" but to me it was realization. I just knew deep down that all it took was seeing a car full of dead people after a wreck to cause me to never go back to work (or out of the house again for that matter). I know I would not be able to leave what I dealt with at the door and that the stress would probably make me collapse. I think my best bet is to continue into something that truly makes me happy. I have always enjoyed the vet environment and working with animals. Therefore, I am considering that now 🙂

    I am so proud of you for not giving up, going into a career you love, and knowing when to say when. Nothing is wrong with cutting back on one of your classes. You have a full (if not OVER FLOWING) plate with the four you are doing now!! How do you like the college you are at? Do you feel it was a good decision to go there?

    Also, I really appreciate the advice on not having to worry about posting all the time. I agree with you and think I am just going to do it when I feel led too. When I force something, it becomes un enjoyable and I don't want that. Writing out your feelings helps me cope so I don't want to do anything to effect that. Hope you are doing well ❤ It was great to hear from you!!!!!!

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