Depression and how it tries to kill us slowly- from a 27 year old girls perspective

I am having one of those nights where I feel sick. Depression is such a sickness. This feeling always passes though and things feel better again. The days come where the world is right and make sense. On those days, I forget what the bad days really feel like. I think mentally my mind numbs those thoughts out. Therefore, on days like today, I need to write so I can remember.

Work has been hell lately. I have felt stressed, negative, and panicked. I love working with animals but cannot handle it when I see mistakes are made on my team. It can be simple stuff that can entirely ruin my day. Anyway, there has been a lot of stress with that going on.

Tonight, my boyfriend explained that he felt like I should work on being more positive. I am not sure that there is anything in this world that I can’t stand more than being told on a day like this to be more positive. In every essence, he is right. In a way, I feel sorry for him. He comes home to wait on a girlfriend battling depression. Though he has never said it, I am sure he struggles with the stress from not knowing what kind of day or attitude I am going to have when I come home. I’m sure it is hard that he can’t fix it or even come close to it. More so, I can imagine that it is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love suffer.

With that being said, I feel defeated about the entire thing. Again, this is a bad day. Tomorrow, I may think this post sounds like it is being written by a dramatic little bitch. Anyway, this is just where I am right now so please meet me there. I honestly don’t think he understands the energy it takes just to work. I suck at getting up in the morning, find that all I want to do is be alone, feel down a lot, and tired all the time. The more I sleep in, the more tired I am. My bones hurt and my mind feels fucked up. On days like this, I want to curl into a ball and scream it isn’t fair. Instead, I settled for hiding in the bathroom at work and stuffing my mouth with snack size candy bars. I felt weak and beyond shot. And yet, I had not even been working six hours.

Most days, the most productive thing I do is wash the dishes and make it into work. That is it. Today, I did better and went to DMV and to college to change my name. I found out I am being awarded a grant at the tech school here in Charleston (aka free money!) to pay for books and college. I also bought a $5 desk I found at Goodwill. It is a crappy desk but it can work to get me started back in school. I told my boyfriend that I was taking 2-3 classes. I explained that 3 may be too much. He was like yeah, maybe. And for some reason that pissed me off. It is like, if I am already doubting I can do three I don’t need to be told yeah you “may” not be able to do three. Because for some reason, what I hear is “you may actually be able to do it …” ย I need to take an easy course load and get back into this. I am literally going to sign up for (I think) two easy courses. I need Biology 101 but that would probably put me over the edge right now.

I want to figure out how to beat this. I can’t ever get this intense sadness to go away for long periods of time. On one hand, I don’t ever cry about or for my x husband anymore. But on the other, I still feel like death some days. I’m tired, emotional, frustrated, angry, sad, mis understood, and other negative emotions. From what I was told tonight by my boyfriend, it is happening more often. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Something else that frustrated me was that he told me he can’t keep taking us out to eat. He wants me to either cook or find recipes or other. Sounds easy right? Simple things sound easy until you struggle with depression. I felt like he added fifty more pounds onto what I was carrying already. Just over fucking recipes. I told him that I often am tired and with going into work in the afternoons, I can’t really do that right now. He is like, Jenny you go in at 2 pm to work (insinuating that I have plenty of time). ย I felt angry and ashamed at this fact. I wanted to scream “is it not enough for you that I am working?” One other thing was when he said something like “you know how you told me you know I don’t want to come home to negativity every day? I really don’t.” That of course makes me be tempted to say “fine, then get a perfect and crazy perky rich bitch for a girlfriend. Have fun. Enjoy your life with a mentally squeaky clean girl.” ย And THAT ladies and gentlemen is depression and anger talking, not logic. In reality, he is kind and patient with me. Like everyone, he is getting tired of the side effects that come with depression. And in trying to help me recover, I feel as if he NEEDS to get rid of that part of me. I hate to say that depression defines me but at this point, I feel like if you can’t handle it then you can’t handle me.

If I have one more decision or thing that I am expected to do, I feel like I am going to lose it.

Sorry for the NEGATIVE post but I needed to vent this. And I want to remember to never take the good days for granted because for me, this is what a bad day looks like.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Depression and how it tries to kill us slowly- from a 27 year old girls perspective

  1. I applaud your courage and honesty here. I know first- hand what clinical depression can do. Let me elaborate! I remember one really bad, beyond-hard winter. My two teens were 13 and 15. I was raising them alone, as always. Times were SO HARD. My car broke down, so I borrowed my Mom’s. But…as fate would have it, I accidentally threw her car into reverse while going 40 MPH- killing her transmission. I had to take out a student loan just to fix her car ($1,200) rather than using the money to take care of my kids while being a full-time student and just surviving. Then,. my internet went down- which meant my phone did too. I literally had no connection to the outside world, and I started to crack- bigtime. Depression was just the beginning! I began to spiral down into hopelessness, because, I could do everything else and recover- but I couldn’t do my distance ed. college without the internet. I literally broke inside because I couldn’t even do my two summer classes: I had to drop them both. And that was literally my breaking point.

    Needless to say, I spiraled so far down that they had to haul me away to the 3rd floor of our local hospital- Behavioral Health. It was NO PICNIC, believe me, muh friend. I was put on a whole new round of meds, and had a good old fashioned breakdown- like- completely.

    After almost two weeks on lockdown, I returned home and thankfully, recovered. Not only did I recover, I went into my fall semester the very next week- and tacked on those two classes I failed- to a full term of 6 classes total! Meaning, I came straight off the psych ward to enroll into 21 credit hours- 6 classes- only one week afterwards.

    I did that on purpose. The very thing that gave me a freaking breakdown is the very thing I stared in the face and said, “Bring it on!” What could possibly happen to me after all of that, right? And that taught me my greatest lesson in life to date: Never be afraid of what’s inside of you. You may scream, cry, fail, or even have a breakdown! But you WILL MAKE IT. You will recover, and you WILL show everybody that you are a badass!

    Because you are. What makes me sad is that your guy is judging you based on “what he sees of you during bad times and sad times”. He’s not taking into account ALL that you’ve just come through- and he should. Depression makes no sense; it really doesn’t. But I do think it’s important that you allow yourself to continue grieving. Sometimes we don’t need reasons or need to know the reasons. You know? But sorrow is a necessary thing too- just like happiness. Bottom line is- I feel you! I do want to encourage you to take whatever classes you feel that you need right now- I don’t doubt your capabilities (and especially your endurance endurance) one bit! And, I think the classes would be a good distraction too. My Dad always told me, “You need a distraction, girl.” (When my heart was too heavy to bear one more day.) He was right. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Take advantage of the free education while you can! (There’s nothing wrong with two easy classes- OR three. Do what you can: no more- no less. ๐Ÿ˜‰ XO

    1. Thank you for all the amazing support and understanding. I never feel judged in a negative way by you. In so many ways you can relate to me. Every time I think I could not be more inspired by your story, I find out more about you and I am like DAMN SHE HAS LITERALLY SURVIVED EVERYTHING! Thank you for always being so open and honest with me. It is refreshing to know there are people out there willing to share their story if it means helping another. It must be wonderful to look at where you are after looking back. You have come so so so far. Be proud of yourself. I actually hope one day you write a biography Yours I have no doubt would be deep, funny, inspiring, sad, and every other emotion I can possibly think of. โค love you. I appreciate you so much. .

      1. Aww Jen, you’re making me blush! ๐Ÿ™‚ Really though, I do want to consider writing a memoir of some sort. I swear, people would think I’m making that crap up…heheh. And yeah, I really DO feel like I’ve lived through everything. But you’re catching up to me pretty quickly. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve seen so much growth in you over the past few years! We don’t get that from sliding right on through easy street- but we get it from all the garbage and pain and hard times. It’ll either make us bitter, or give us depth. It’s normal to be angry. It’d be weird NOT to be that way- for a while. And then we have to let go, you know? I’ve seen you let go in a BIG way lately. I feel much like you in that you’re constantly inspiring me. You have no idea how much strength I’ve gotten from you in this past year alone. I was feeling so freaking lost not long ago. Several of your posts helped me to see things in a different light. Sometimes that’s all we need. I love you too! I hope you’re doing well and that whatever you do- remember to laugh. Love. Smile. And give yourself a hug AND a pat on the back for making it through, and continuing to make it through. xo

  2. So sorry you are going through this. I can really relate, especially feeling like there are already so many things on your plate when someone asks you to do something. So, you are definitely not alone in that!

    I agree with Brigitta and applaud your courage and honesty, here. Sometimes, I think it’s okay to let yourself just feel the way you feel, even if it’s crappy. Acknowledging it and going through it, rather than skirting around it can be more helpful in the long run. In any case, I am thinking of you and hope you feel better!
    โค

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words ! I truly think sometimes I have strength SOLELY because I have peopel thinking and praying for me. I really believe there is an energy of strength in peoples thoughts. Maybe that sounds crazy I dunno ๐Ÿ™‚ I am glad to know I am not the only one that feels overwhelmed sometime. I am trying to get back into blogging more and writing it instead of keeping it in. Sometimes it just helps to cry. I lay on my stomach in the bed the other day and my boyfriend laid his head on my back, wrapped his arms around me, and just let me cry. I actually felt better that day after I just aloud myself to feel it and get it out. Thank again for all the support!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s