I am having one of those nights where I feel sick. Depression is such a sickness. This feeling always passes though and things feel better again. The days come where the world is right and make sense. On those days, I forget what the bad days really feel like. I think mentally my mind numbs those thoughts out. Therefore, on days like today, I need to write so I can remember.
Work has been hell lately. I have felt stressed, negative, and panicked. I love working with animals but cannot handle it when I see mistakes are made on my team. It can be simple stuff that can entirely ruin my day. Anyway, there has been a lot of stress with that going on.
Tonight, my boyfriend explained that he felt like I should work on being more positive. I am not sure that there is anything in this world that I can’t stand more than being told on a day like this to be more positive. In every essence, he is right. In a way, I feel sorry for him. He comes home to wait on a girlfriend battling depression. Though he has never said it, I am sure he struggles with the stress from not knowing what kind of day or attitude I am going to have when I come home. I’m sure it is hard that he can’t fix it or even come close to it. More so, I can imagine that it is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love suffer.
With that being said, I feel defeated about the entire thing. Again, this is a bad day. Tomorrow, I may think this post sounds like it is being written by a dramatic little bitch. Anyway, this is just where I am right now so please meet me there. I honestly don’t think he understands the energy it takes just to work. I suck at getting up in the morning, find that all I want to do is be alone, feel down a lot, and tired all the time. The more I sleep in, the more tired I am. My bones hurt and my mind feels fucked up. On days like this, I want to curl into a ball and scream it isn’t fair. Instead, I settled for hiding in the bathroom at work and stuffing my mouth with snack size candy bars. I felt weak and beyond shot. And yet, I had not even been working six hours.
Most days, the most productive thing I do is wash the dishes and make it into work. That is it. Today, I did better and went to DMV and to college to change my name. I found out I am being awarded a grant at the tech school here in Charleston (aka free money!) to pay for books and college. I also bought a $5 desk I found at Goodwill. It is a crappy desk but it can work to get me started back in school. I told my boyfriend that I was taking 2-3 classes. I explained that 3 may be too much. He was like yeah, maybe. And for some reason that pissed me off. It is like, if I am already doubting I can do three I don’t need to be told yeah you “may” not be able to do three. Because for some reason, what I hear is “you may actually be able to do it …” I need to take an easy course load and get back into this. I am literally going to sign up for (I think) two easy courses. I need Biology 101 but that would probably put me over the edge right now.
I want to figure out how to beat this. I can’t ever get this intense sadness to go away for long periods of time. On one hand, I don’t ever cry about or for my x husband anymore. But on the other, I still feel like death some days. I’m tired, emotional, frustrated, angry, sad, mis understood, and other negative emotions. From what I was told tonight by my boyfriend, it is happening more often. 😦
Something else that frustrated me was that he told me he can’t keep taking us out to eat. He wants me to either cook or find recipes or other. Sounds easy right? Simple things sound easy until you struggle with depression. I felt like he added fifty more pounds onto what I was carrying already. Just over fucking recipes. I told him that I often am tired and with going into work in the afternoons, I can’t really do that right now. He is like, Jenny you go in at 2 pm to work (insinuating that I have plenty of time). I felt angry and ashamed at this fact. I wanted to scream “is it not enough for you that I am working?” One other thing was when he said something like “you know how you told me you know I don’t want to come home to negativity every day? I really don’t.” That of course makes me be tempted to say “fine, then get a perfect and crazy perky rich bitch for a girlfriend. Have fun. Enjoy your life with a mentally squeaky clean girl.” And THAT ladies and gentlemen is depression and anger talking, not logic. In reality, he is kind and patient with me. Like everyone, he is getting tired of the side effects that come with depression. And in trying to help me recover, I feel as if he NEEDS to get rid of that part of me. I hate to say that depression defines me but at this point, I feel like if you can’t handle it then you can’t handle me.
If I have one more decision or thing that I am expected to do, I feel like I am going to lose it.
Sorry for the NEGATIVE post but I needed to vent this. And I want to remember to never take the good days for granted because for me, this is what a bad day looks like.