Do you ever feel like you are slowly suffocating?

I have always been open about struggling with depression. But something that I also often feel is suffocated.

EXAMPLES:

1. When our apartment is a mess, my boyfriend sees it as just that, a mess. I don’t think it bothers him too much, as he is a typical guy when it comes to cleanliness. Where as if we have dirty dishes and some things cluttering on the floor, I literally feel like I can’t  breathe.  I guess my life has been so chaotic that I NEED my environment to be clean with a passion. Anything other and I pretty much feel like I am dying.

2. School.  I work full time (aka six days a week). My one prerequisite before being able to apply for the Vet Tech program is Biology. I hate biology. I have always failed biology. (excuse how negative I sound). I already feel so burned out. And yet I now have a lab two days a week and an online class on top of working. It has not even started yet and I feel like I am suffocating.

3.  My relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I have a great relationship with a wonderful guy. There are a lot of days when I am happy. But then there are other days when my depression has me feeling down, sad, and defeated. My boyfriend always wants to fix it so he asks “what is wrong,” “did I do anything,” and never forgets to remind me that “you have been like this for the past few days.” I always have to re explain that I can’t help it, that I don’t know what is wrong, and that he is not causing it. It’s exhausting. All I want to do is rent a hotel and curl up in a bed while watching cable and forget about it all. Living with him, he would not understand this. He would freak out and probably think I was suicidal. When in all reality, I just want to escape for a day. I don’t want to talk or see anyone. I don’t want to turn on the lights or answer the phone. Instead, on days I feel like that I have to try extra hard to be someone I am not to make my relationship keep functioning. This can feel so suffocating sometime. I don’t feel like it is ever perfectly ok for me to be not ok.

4. The money I make. I love my career don’t get me wrong. I just can’t imagine being able to support myself and pay my bills off of it. I could technically get a second job if this school thing does not work out. Then I could potentially pay rent at a very sketch place. With that being said, I would only be sleeping there because the majority of the time I would be working around the clock.  It is hard to get inspired to stick through school when I know the reality is, even after school, I still will be in a similar financial situation.  It feels suffocating.

Sorry for the vent. This has been one of those days.

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2 thoughts on “Do you ever feel like you are slowly suffocating?

  1. Hey, m’ friend, never (ever ever) apologize for “venting”. One man’s trash…eh? (Venting to one person is merely expressing him/herself to another!) Also, I’m so glad to see you posting. That’s always a good sign, no matter how “negative” you may feel at the time. I do understand about the school thing. I just finished two discussion boards plus a 6 page final paper that were both due by midnight. I started on it all today at 4:00 p.m. and yes, I’m serious! (With 4 peer-reviwed APA citations included.) I juuuuuust now got finished and I have to be in court at 10 a.m. for a ridiculous lawsuit I’m batting around at the moment and have been for 3 years now. I FEEL YOU, SISTER.

    But hey, consider this. If you weren’t busy with this stuff back-to-back daily- it’d leave more room to drown (indefinitely) in your sorrows, right? At least it’s all a blurry (and necessary) distraction.

    On the other side of that coin, allow me to say, I’m so damn proud of you FOR hanging in there with school. Maybe here’s something that you can do with your guy. Like, an exercise. ;0) He’s so used to the “problem” being “yours”. It’s textbook “classical conditioning” (psychology-Pavlov, etc.) What that means is that in the future, whenever HE’S feeling down or off-kilter about anything, he’s going to look in YOUR direction and ask you if everything’s alright and “what’s wrong”. In so many words, he’ll be making you the scape goat- no matter what. So, I think it’d be reeeeeally good for you to train HIM to identify with HIS negative feelings- regardless of how you’re feeling. Make sense? Because no matter how you’re feeling- he still has a responsibility for carrying HIS OWN FEELINGS. At the moment- it’s a pleasant cop out for him to pretty much blame you for 100% of you guys’ misery. Not fair to you at all.

    So maybe next time he looks at you for some type of answer or remedy, you can ask him to make a list of everything he’s feeling. It might not fix the situation but what it WILL do is allow him to express his feelings without you feeling as if he’s attacking you. It’s not your job to “fix” anything on his list! But he’ll feel better that he could express those things to you and if you can’t deal with them at the moment- put them in a drawer and go on a photoshoot or take a walk. (Some sort of activity without him shadowing you.) K- I’ve clearly had too much freaking psychology! Ha… love you and keep hanging in there! You know it’s going to be black and ugly for only so long. The sun’s going to come out so bright again. 😉 x

  2. You aren’t alone in what you’re feeling… Depression is real, and some people just choose to not accept or believe that. I can especially relate to #3… About the whole just wanting to be alone in a hotel by myself, curled up watching the tv… I know it must have taken a lot for you to write this, and I applaud you for sharing how you feel. We all have “one of those days”… Even if some don’t want to admit it. Don’t ever be sorry for venting or writing posts just to get it all out. Bottling it up would only make it worse,… Believe me, I know. I find my blog to be a little place where I can vent and be free to talk about whatever I want – whether people are reading or not. It makes me feel better, and that’s what matters. “Do what makes you feel better, as long as you’re not harming others or yourself” is what I tell myself when I’m having a bad day. I hope your days have gotten better 🙂

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