Depression and a Cruise Ship

I went to a counselor today for the first time in a while. Talking about something and doing something are two totally different beasts.  Due to my low income, it has been challenging to find any kind of help. However, my boyfriend new someone at a near hospital who referred us to a resident clinic. For anyone struggling financially, this is an awesome option.  Basically, psychiatrists have to first work as residence at a hospital before they can go into their own practice. I got a young girl that was really awesome. She seemed extremely knowledgeable about how to diagnose and things to ask.  I told the truth, gave me some of my story, and told her I wanted my quality of life to change. Based on everything I told her, she did confirm that as of right now, she feels I am struggling with depressive disorder. She gave me something to help me sleep and also an SSNRI to help me treat it.  I’m going to start going to her and see if she can help me. I have to believe this can work because I am tired and weak from battling this. My life has been a roller coaster and I need for it to slow down.

I did something new tonight too. I went on a four course dinner cruise with my boyfriend. (He gets major amazing points because he came home early from his vacation so he could take me to counseling downtown. I love him so much for that).  This cruise was interesting. I sort of liked it.  It was a cruise for his work. I was shocked when I saw the inside of this boat because it was set up like a fancy dinner. It took me a minute to take in the fact that there was fancy china and a full bar in the inside.  I learned a few things…..

  1. People that eat in high class environments eat with WAY too many forks. I not only had a fork on both sides of  my plate but I had one above it too. I was told to start from the outside and work my way in. Why? I mean, I just need one fork. I picked up one and my boyfriend said it was the wrong one. What? Seriously? It is a fork……    Maybe it is a poor person thing but I think it is insane. It is like grabbing a handful of silverware and handing it out to each person while saying, sorry if you end up with six spoons. hahahahah…..

2. Four course meals don’t have many selections (at least not on this cruise. For instance, they TOLD us we would be having shecrab soup (I don’t eat fish) and  Salad with watermelon (umm wtf? fruit on lettuce…no). Thank goodness they let us choose our main dish. This main dish is the only reason I survived that cruise thing without chewing off my own arm from starvation. I chose the chocolate cake with coconut. Sounded good. Was fucking awful. Like they served me something that had the texture of a chocolate brick with a tiny puff of whipped cream on it. Apparently, the coconut got shot to hell several years ago….. anyway so that was interesting.

3. I get horrible dizziness when eating next to windows that are horizontal to the direction the boat is going. Due to how we were positioned, for the longest time I thought the boat was going side ways. Can a boat even drive sideways!?! who knows but this is what I thought until I realized we were going straight. The water was relaxing but for some reason the motion made me feel ick.

I will post some pictures tomorrow but did want to post this up because I am proud that I sought help today ❤


2 thoughts on “Depression and a Cruise Ship

  1. So very happy that you did decide to get some medicine! I took medicine for more than a decade for everything under the sun: agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, insomnia, depression, and all sorts of other lovely “things”. At one point, I was prescribed 3 green 5 mg. Klonopins per day- for like- 5 years! For the record, only one is enough to put a horse down. After losing two of my children to the system (20 years ago)- I floated through life in a sorrowful daze, sometimes bleak and vacant inside, sometimes a raging inferno. It’s a safe bet to say that for years, I had a death wish, seriously. Fighting depression though, people don’t understand what you’re really battling. They get confused and begin to think it’s merely a “situational reaction” rather than a biochemical imbalance. This isn’t your doing! It’s not from “choices you’ve made” yada yada- no. It’s prerecorded into your DNA, meaning, it’s congenital. You were already preloaded with this crap before birth. The funny thing about DNA-related depression, is that there are certain “cues” in there that are taught, through many generations, to “come out” at so and so age. So, you can be perfectly fine for a decade, having the time of your life, and then step off off of an invisible cliff INTO THE VOID. There’s no easy way to understand it or explain it to others. It’s an inexplicable disease.

    Vocalizing your feelings, fears- in a honest and safe place to a trained professional is the first step in the right direction. I would highly recommend that you continue on with individual therapy, Jen, but also, can’t recommend enough that it’s so important for you AND your guy to participate in “family therapy” together, as a duo. He’s going to need to hear these things from a professional. Only then will he understand that this isn’t “you”! If you try to tell him, he’ll just keep going to “that place” that he’s already established, which has everything to do with blame and denial. Sorry, I can’t help but to spout out all sorts of psycho-babble now after almost 5 years of training in psychology. UGH. heheh…no matter what, I’m so proud of you. Stay strong, GF. 😉 x

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