When do we get there? You don’t

I am coming to terms with the fact that some things don’t change. No amount of envy, frustration, or sadness will create the ideal for you. Here are some things that don’t change:

Your bone structure. You may vary in sizes or be under or overweight. But if you are a broad shouldered curvy girl like myself that decides to make a size 2 a goal, you are in all honesty bordering on insanity. Kill this dream. It is unhealthy.

Cravings. They don’t go away. Your stomach and/or soul will always be hungry for something. Whether it be freedom, safety, or a Cookout Cheeseburger we are all seeking comfort. The important thing is o learn how to handle these craving so that they do not consume your thoughts.

Wanderlust. The strong desire to travel. Yeah, that bitch does not go anywhere. I can be as busy as everything and working several jobs while hearing a field of sunflowers call to me or that abandoned house in the field. It doesn’t go away. So, travel more.

Healing and Forgiveness. Many will disagree with this and that is okay. Some actually accomplish this one. But for many of us that have read the self help books, gone to counselors, prayed, confided in others, or even numbed it all out… loss and emotional pain HURT. In my opinion, you don’t ever get back to where you were before they happened.

Round Circle Square hole. If you have an artsy personality, love for self expression, and have trouble sitting still then prepare to work in different fields until you find one that allows you to be yourself. You will not wake up suddenly and have a passion to be a lawyer that sits at a desk often. It is just not who you are and that is okay. Unfortunately, you may never be rich. But hey, you may never have to wear a suit to work!

I hope you enjoyed some of these realizations. I am sure I will add more to the list as I go. Feel free to comment or recommend some other ones!


Mini Update



It felt so nice to write that last post that I am going to write again! Since it has been a minute (as always) I am going to write a “What is New” and “What is Not” below for you.If you are a new follower, welcome! It means a lot that people that the time to read about my life. Those who can handle how real I am are cool in my book. Oh, and the picture above is of two canvases I did recently. They are for sale ! If interested post below. I learned that glitter…. GETS EVERYWHERE!


What is New

  • I have been doing Veterinary Assisting for a while. In many ways I have loved it but there have been other ways in which I have not. I get sick a lot when I work with the general public (my last sickness will be a new post). I do still work at the vet but I have stepped back into the kennel position. I’ve watched as other people are being hired to take my position that I worked very hard for. In a way, it does suck. I miss the people I used to work with in that section and the respect that came with it.  But I had to make a sacrifice and those are never easy.


  • I did start a youtube channel. I have not uploaded videos to it yet but I am going too. I want to start selling Scentsy soon and think that having a channel in which I talk about different things will help me gain some followers. 🙂 I never thought I would ever have a youtube channel, as I am so introverted. But I have watched as many people made theirs. It can’t be that hard! And if it is, I can just stop.


  • Our garden got really big. It got to the point that I started to get nauseated if I saw a cucumber come into the house. Like we had so many! They have all almost gone away now. We still have a ton of tomatoes. I have enjoyed taking the cherry tomatoes to work. I am convinced I cannot keep plants or fish alive. But thanks to my boyfriend, this garden did get watered in the early hours of the AM which we know I am not awake for ha! unless money is involved…. and coffee…


  • I had one of the worst sicknesses I have ever had. I am going to post a blog about it but it went from July 8th 2016-Aug 8th 2016. I still have a cough, feel weak, and some what sickly. However, I am no longer coughing my lungs out so that is an improvement. I went for allergy testing (only allergic to dust mites), had a sinus and chest CT scan, and a throat scope (where they put a light threw your nose down your throat (FUN TIMES).


  • I have a counselor that I am going to weekly, yay! I really like her and feel that she will be able to help me. Sometimes you do not realize how fucked up you are until you get out of an office and cry your eyes out on the way home.


What’s Not 

  •  I am still broke guys! Thankfully, I did have some savings so I was able to at very least pay for food and basic needs while I was sick. The more emergencies that come up, the more important I realize that it is to have savings!


  • Still love beer, photography, church, and tattoos . I am going to do a seperate blog for tattoos as well. I think I have decided all the images I want (camera, book, typewriter, rose, quill (possibly), fan (possibly), etc. I will post pics soon.


Hope you guys are doing good! I almost said have a good night but its 5:54 AM. I had one of those nights where you wake up at 2 AM and there is no going back to sleep. But then of course you can’t find the computer charger chord, you end up waking your boyfriend up because the need is so great to get online, and then after scouring around the house he discovers it right underneath where I was sitting. Whoops…..






Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Thought I Was Not Good Enough


Dear everyone who has ever thought I was not good enough,

Greetings. This has been a letter that I have been meaning to send. You know how that is, right? Life gets in the way and through all the things you think I am not doing,  somehow I forget to send this. Crazy right?

How is your delusional self doing? I would have called but then, you know, who has time to swallow more stress than their normal daily dose from the two jobs they are breaking their back working.

Did you know that for a long time, I felt like less of a girl because of you? Does that make you sickly smile inside?  And by “you” please know that, from my heart, I am sending this letter out to so many.  Addresses may have changed and you may never get this. But I want to at least try, because I deserve for you to hear what I have to say…..

I eat the most when I am sad. I want to eat all the time these days. Did you know that weight is pain?  From a young age, I was judged, punished, and  forced to exercise. People that I should have looked to for confidence either were not there or hated their body as well. Who knew that I would be a 28 year old adult, still struggling with my weight, hating my body most days, and  still craving any form of attention. It’s sad that childhood pain sticks with you like gum on a shoe. I’m on a road to healing and am using my insurance to go to a counseling that eventually will help unravel all you made me feel. I may not be there today, but one day I will be. I am good enough.

Why do you only see my lack of paper on the wall and not my accomplishments?  Yes, I will give you that, I do not have a Bachelors or Masters degree. I know much to your disappointment, the PhD. is not there either. Where was my supportive and safe home when I was trying to go through school? Have you ever asked me? I was going to school while living in my best friends bedroom, working a job, living off soup because I did not have parents that could help me.The one I had threw me out.  And yet, I refused to give up. I did not graduate high school but got my GED. I knew nothing about college, dreams, or scholarships but through determination & research I got my Associates Degree. And yet, all you see is what I don’t have!? Are you kidding me. You should be empowering me instead of making me feel embarrassed.  Despite your beliefs on my education or “lack there of” I am good enough.

Oh you don’t think I make enough money or work enough jobs? Honey, when did this information become any of your entitled egos business. I sat through horrifically awkward conversations and  answered overly invasive questions for you all in the name of trying to receive understanding. That was a mistake and for feeling I could trust your intentions, I apologize. People like you have continued to make me feel like I need to work 10 jobs, around the clock, and with no breaks Thanks for that delusional exhaustion you put on me. I am proud of what I do and what I make. And just as a reminder, I am good enough.

Who put you in charge of peoples bodies by the way? I thought you did not like me. Why do you want to be in charge of mine? I love art, tattoos, and anything visual. I have always been open about this with you and others. This is not a shock to my Baptist family nor do I pretend to be someone I am not at church. You do not have to agree with me. That is totally ok. But last time I checked…I am over 18…… Actually, add 10 years to 18 and we are closer to my actual age. So let’s all just calm down and do our own thing as adults. Sound good? I am not less of a person because of art on the wall or on my body. It’s art either way. Just so you don’t forget, I am good enough.

The point of this letter is not to blast you to hell. I understand that you come from a different background, have a different career, and are pretty much from a different world than I am. My goal is to help you realize the effect your words, looks, gossip, and questions have on people. Judging people before you have walked in their shoes is not fair. I’m not asking you to understand me but I am requesting that you accept me as I am. Because I am worth that. I have worked, struggled, traveled, lost, and cried too hard to be made to feel I am less. I’m going to walk this road alone before I have people next to me that make me feel like that.

It ends here this time.

I may be a people pleaser but I will no longer exert energy trying to please you. I deserve so much better.

With kindness and hope that one day you will change,










Our Little Garden



My grandfather and boyfriend planted a little garden last weekend. They planted tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, red/green/yellow pepper, jalapenos, banana pepper, and cucumber. The plants are looking really good. Picture above is when vegetables were first planted a week ago.


Picture below is of vegetables  5/5/16 . I need to get a better picture because of the shade but they are definitely taller! 🙂

It was nice having my grandmother and grandfather come stay with us. I really enjoyed that. I made Gaga a lot of coffee and we road out to Folly Beach. She wanted to just stay in the car but I wanted her to see the ocean. So see it and step in it she did!


Jeremy made a good meal for us too. It was a lot of fun.


I miss simplicity

Everything these days has to do with technology. Kids are staring at screens and couples are entranced with their phones. No one writes anymore. I never see kids in trees and rarely on bikes. My boyfriend told me the other day that I am one of the only people he knows that still uses CDs. When I went to the bank and asked for a check register to track my money, they actually laughed and said “you still use those?”

I hate it. It’s sad. People are in debt because they don’t know how to track their money. Divorce rate is skyrocketing most likely because couples have no idea how  to communicate. Romance would be a lot better with written letters. Adults would have a different view of life if they had grown up climbing trees.

I still try to choose simplicity though. I enjoy  creating, write things, and keep a desire to travel. I need to use my feet more to get places, not just dream of them. ❤



Crazy Exhausted

This has been a crazy exhausting few months. In January, I had bronchitis. After that fun stuff… I had a few stronger weeks only to get hit with a Upper Respiratory infection. In the past 3 weeks I have been to the doctor 4 times. The first time, I was given and antibiotic and saline for my nebulizer, told I had a upper respiratory infection, and to take those meds. The second time I came back, I had ear pain, check congestion, coughing, and feeling miserable. I believe this time a coupon for a free inhaler and a cough medicine with codeine was added. I was also given a steroid shot. This is the one and only time I did feel better the next day. Thinking maybe it was the shot? However, I continued to decline and get worse after that day. Third time I came back in to the doctor I  saw a different doctor again. (This is a walk in clinic type deal). He told me that though I still felt miserable, he did not believe I had any more infection. Another antibiotic was not added, blood was not drawn, I was given another steroid shot (per my request hoping this would help), and some steroid pills for 4-5 days.

Two days later, my chest is tighter, Jeremy says I sound like I am wheezing when I am asleep, my neck is swollen and painful, ears hurting, coughing, spitting up, head feels like it is going to explode, chest pain…..  nebulizer is no longer working well and I am up all night with sweats. Called my aunt today after work. She said go back in and demand an x ray. I got to see the same doctor this time as well. I was fearful of that because I thought surely he is going to send me out the door telling me all is okay.

The FIRST thing he says when he walks into my room is that “he reviewed my file” with a look of extreme concern. He has NOW realized that from Jan-March I have been sick (with two different sicknesses). Why he did not review my chart two days ago is concerning to me…. Seeing that I was worse, he immediately ordered a CBC and a chest xray. Took forever to take my blood because apparently I did not have any…. after sticking me three times it worked……


White blood count was 1850  which is very high. He said that on steroids it should be higher (around 1600) but NOT 1900. I am still mind blown that 48 hours before I was told I had no infection. The Xrays were not as bad as the doctor said he had predicted. I definitely have a bad bronchitis and he can see it going through my lungs. Changed up all meds. Put me on a new nose spray and a strong drug called Levequin. My entire body hurts and since coming home tonight I have thrown up twice.

Had I not gone back in, I would have been mis diagnosed. I would have actually probably ended up in the hospital very shortly from collapsing.  I have had Mono…I have had Phemonia…. and I can honestly say I have NEVER felt this sick.

Please think about me right now as I am feeling very sick, defeated, and weak. Just wanted to write about it because in some small way, I am sure this helps. Nothing like chicken noodle soup at 1 : 30 AM.


The dark side of being a veterinary assistant

I get the question often “is your job fun?” There are few questions that make me stutter out an answer and smile than this question.

I want to first say that I take my  job extremely seriously. It’s rewarding and inspiring to see people work double shifts in the name of helping animals and each other. And nothing beats comforting an animal while knowing you are silently making a difference to them.

With that being said, I have never worked harder in my entire life. There are days I get in my car and cry all the way home. Part of being a veterinary assistant is participating in the passing of an animal.  You also witness the look of heartbreak on pet owners faces when it is time to say goodbye or the moment they learn unexpectedly that their beloved friend will not recover. As an assistant, I have to hold it together. It takes so much strength to not break down.

Today felt hard. I came home with my body aching and my heart feeling heavy. I cried on the way home and fell asleep in the early afternoon because physically and emotionally, I had nothing left. My boyfriend wanted me to go out to eat with his cousin but the thought of going anywhere and meeting with anyone, felt all too exhausting. By the way, unless your significant other is in the same career field, this job will take its toll on your relationship.

For anyone considering this career, you need to understand that this job requires above and beyond what most humans posses. You have to acknowledge on a daily basis that all you can do is your best and that at the end of the day, this has to be enough. There are so many things, decisions, moments, and ideas that you have absolutely no say in.  You must always respect your doctors, listen to your nurses, and do exactly as you are told.

Assistants are responsible for feeding and monitoring patients,  opening and closing the clinic, shift change cleaning list, they scrub/autoclave/ wrap surgical items, all used surfaces are wiped down, every cage used is disinfected, weekly cleaning list, blood work, fecals, staining, assisting in x ray and ultrasound, answering phones, going in patients rooms with doctors, restraining, helping clients to their car, recording everything being sent out (bloodwork/fecals/ other), making medical notes, invoicing, scheduling, putting events on the white board, setting up or breaking down surgery, putting away dental items, laundry, dishes, etc.  Some days you are the only assistant and you are still expected to do all of the above during your shift.

It is hard. It is so hard some days. There are days where you don’t have time to eat. Not even a snack because you are so busy.  I have definite moments where I feel extremely light headed or past physically exhausted. Since having this job I have kept an upset stomach daily.

Being a veterinary assistant is work. It takes a big heart and an extreme drive. I am honored to be able to help the patients that I do and to be there to comfort when others have to pass. ❤

I just wanted to write about some of the realities of this career. This job is not “fun” or “easy.” Days where I leave my job on time, smiling, and stress free are GREAT days. There are those days! But before going into this, make sure you understand EVERYTHING that is involved. For as rewarding as this career is, it requires a lot of sacrifice.



I took this picture a few weeks ago of a tree outside of our apartment. The closer I got to it the more it appeared to be lit up like a Christmas tree. The edges of the branches too here lit with a thin line of white light. I have never before seen something like this. The way the sun was hitting this tree was gorgeous. I feel like God knew I needed to see something good.

Something I also thought of today is that I don’t see things the same way when I see them again. For instance, I can go back out to this tree and not see it like this photograph shows. I past by a different area that I photographed earlier today and did not get the same inspired feeling to photograph it. It is interesting how when we are feeling or longing for something, we seek out a way to turn our answers (or questions) into art. And when that moment has past or when we are at a different place, we see things differently. I just think that is cool 🙂  .