I think I am under water

sickjan2016

 

I don’t remember the last time I was this sick. It literally feels like I am underwater. My ears have pressure, my nose is irritated, my lips are chapped, I have a horrible cough, sinuses draining, eyes are running and burn…..  Not sure what is NOT wrong momentarily haha.

Thankfully, I got qualified for a more affordable insurance in December and it started in January. I have not been really sick in over a year. Jeremy even told me he was unsure if the monthly payment would be worth it. Boy, is he eating those words. The majority of the meds in the above picture were $0-$10. My two doctors appointments in the last WEEK were $20 each. I had blood work and an x ray that my insurance took care of. As miserable as I feel, I  must be truly thankful. I am not only thankful for insurance but that I live in a country where getting medicine, seeing a doctor, and being able to eat a warm meal is possible.

I do not have pneumonia which is what the doctor feared earlier today before blood test and xray. I just have really bad bronchitis. I am on an inhaler (for wheezing), Suphedrine non drowsy (congestion), Prednisone (for congestion), Benzonotate (pills for AM cough), Hydrocod (PM cough), Cefdinir (antibiotic) , and Flonase (nose spray). I’ve taken two days off of work.

If you would not mind, please say a prayer or think about me. I could use some strength. Thank you ❤

Something to make you smile… saw this on facebook….

winnie

Motivation & Comfort for the bleeding soul

 

Just because I needed to hear these things today.

I’m sure other people do too.

Before you read this though, just know that every good person deserves someone to say this to them at one point in their life:

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If your heart is broken, know that you are not alone.

But also note, there is hope. This point in your life WILL pass.

You are right, you will never be the same.

Your beauty will be more elegant, your head much wiser, and your strength much more noticeable in time.

Live for this, if for nothing else.

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different

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verse

forest

adore3

Just because you are a women does not mean you have to reproduce. Or Breast Feed. Or any of it.

I have been struggling with trying to get myself to want to have kids for a while now.  I see women when their cute little girls and envy them. Their the ultimate picture of adorable. However, when it comes to having kids, I don’t want too at this point. I’m not really sure why either.  I am 26 years old and as of a few months ago, had a husband who wanted to have a baby.  All I would have had to do was say it.  Maybe I am selfish. The majority of my life I have struggled with being really over weight.  Some people may call the idea of not having kids due to body image ridiculous. However, I don’t care. I really just want to get my body in shape & fall in love with myself.  The idea of sacrificing my body, time, and future for a child feels  a bit like lying on a bed of nails. I salute every mom who willingly has made changes in their life so that they can raise their child.  I just don’t feel like that woman is me though.  Maybe something will change my mind in the future but if not, I need to come to terms with the idea that this is OK.  What the “majority” of people are doing is not always right for everyone. I’m finding more and more that I am the exception as opposed to the rule.

It’s time to forgive

Tonight, my husband had a very intense conversation about where our relationship was.  I swear, the one major obstacle that couples face is figuring out how to communicate.  When people communicate through screaming or disappearing into the computer/video games, NOTHING is accomplished. (Take it from my house)

I’ve realized through having an actual calm discussion with my husband that there are several things that have been effecting him a great deal about my behavior.  One being, that I have never forgiven him for calling off our engagement a few years ago.

I have extreme abandonment issues. It’s as if I choose to either cling to people for dear life or push them completely away. Neither of which, I might add, is healthy in the least.  A few years ago, my now husband and I were engaged. I was planning our wedding and feeling as safe as one possibly could in their relationship. Unfortunately, he decided last minute that he was not prepared to get married and called it off. I ultimately gave back my ring, quit my full time job, and moved out of state to live in my friends bedroom.

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Long story short, after months of being apart I ended up moving back in with my x fiancé. He admitted to realizing he made a mistake and wanted to pursue our relationship.  We did and instead of having a wedding like the ones in the pictures I had been collecting, we got married by the justice of the peace. I was too embarrassed to have a wedding after he had called it off. Over all, I was just too broken and craving security again.

justice

I have no regrets about us getting married. My husband is a good man and like all of us, changed his mind. He just happened to change it about one of the most important days of a girls life.

It’s been almost two years, and I am ashamed to admit that I haven’t forgiven him.

Nor have I ever felt as secure as I once did.

angry

He brought up to me tonight how he has more than made up for that mistake but that no matter what he does, I always seem to be angry that happened.  Going on to tell me that I am not the girl he fell in love with and that he wants that girl back. I wish I could call up my former self and see if she could drop by for a visit….

Lately, I’ve also been dealing with some serious depression issues too  involving work, money, career, death, etc.  And I have been taking it out (verbally) on him.  When I get frustrated, I get to angry and sometimes go off in a full out hiss fit. The picture below is me when I am experiencing anger and PMS all at the same time.

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I also have acquired a habit of hanging up on him when I get really upset, want to be right, or just prefer to have the last word. (((turns red in extreme embarrassment at the immaturity of this)))

All of these little things have been truly weighing on him.  Why am I posting these details online? Because I want to admit publically that I am ashamed at how I have been acting towards him. He is not perfect, but it’s not his fault that I am struggling with how to deal with life in a healthy way.  There are many instances where I have gotten really upset and instead of defending myself, he has chosen to cower down and just take it.

take it

Ladies and gentlemen, NO ONE deserves to have to take mistreatment. If you think you are doing your significant other a favor by keeping quiet and shutting down, you are not. When communication ends be prepared to enter through the gates of an inner hell.

My husband and I talked everything out tonight. There is a lot we both admitted to that we were wrong about.  We both agree though that we love each other and have no regrets about marrying one another.  I believe now he is clear that I would much prefer him stop telling me I need to work at a grocery store when I complain that there are no jobs available. And I could not be any more aware of certain things he is tired of.

Tonight, I realized that there is just a lot of work that needs to be put into our relationship to heal it.

It’s going to take both of us.

And it’s time for me to forgive him

cuddling animals

The Desperation of Friendship (LONG)

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For all those who read my rant last night, thank you. I had a moment where I just needed to vent. An entire bag of candy corn ended up being eaten last night. I ate the other 1/4 bag after I wrote the blog!! Anyway, it was just one of those days.

I want to do a post about friendship tonight. This post may be inspired by certain events in my life but is not directed at any one person.

The definition of a “friend” varies from person to person. I do not expect everyone to agree with this post. But, I would like to share what Friendship is and is not to me.

Friendship with me is NOT About

Agreeing with me

Following my blog

Answering every phone call

Changing Yourself

Telling me what is “appropriate” to write about

Boundaries

Saying I need to be more positive

Telling me what I want to hear

Hanging out with me all the time

Sharing my interests

Copying me

Giving me money or things

Shutting Down

Having common ground

Trying to recruit 50000 other people to be our friends

 Friendship IS About

If we have a fight, you don’t turn around and let other people talk about me. In fact, you still feel incredibly compelled to defend me, even to a mutual friend.

Driving cross-country to get to the other in the event of an emergency or crisis

Sharing (stories, books, laughs)

The freedom to call or come over anytime you need too. I may not be there or answer, but it doesn’t mean you are not welcome to contact me.

Asking how your friend is and being ready to hear the truth

Listening- If I don’t want to cry around you, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means, I feel stronger when you are there.

Hugging or some form of letting a me (and vice versa) know that we mean something dear

Promises

Secrets

Communication

Compassion

Differences- Appreciating and learning from each others contrasting view points and styles

Family – If you are my friend, I would protect and defend you as if you were family. And if we both agree, I will claim you as actual family 🙂

In the past few days, I have come to the shocking realization, that I have been functioning with my friendships as if I were desperate.  The only person that I really have to blame for that is myself.  This has been a problem ever since I was little. I was never the popular girl much less the middle class girl. Let’s put it this way, if private Christian school was considered to have a class system, I was at the bottom of the totem pole. From a young age, I put on  a lot of weight. Without realizing it, I’m sure my intense stress eating (remember the candy corns from last night?) began happening.  Girls began dating and I was never asked. EVER. I remember once offering to PAY a boy to take me out. Cold hard cash. He would not do it. He was never nice to me so either I figure a shred of morality kicked in or he didn’t want to tarnish his reputation. Anyway, that type of desperation to fit in has stayed with me. I’ve killed myself trying to be thin, accepted, and loved my entire life. I set the bar high for friends today though. In all reality, I’m afraid of extreme rejection that seems to continue to follow me.

Continuing on with my realization…..

It has occurred to me that I do have people in my life that would do anything for me.  That I know, without a doubt, would be there in the event I needed them. Even if that meant driving all night to do so. But then, there have been people this year that have not been a friend to me. People that would rather fight than fix things. People that would prefer to feel I have turned on them, when in all reality, they turned on the very blueprint that our friendship was built upon.

Where the desperation comes in is when, without psychologically realizing it, I’ve wanted them to be right.  I would in all actuality  rather throw myself under the bus to save something I truly valued at one point in my life than to have it destroyed.  I’ve sent more apology emails this year to people involving fights than I have in my entire life. The word “sorry” has been handed out as if it were Christmas candy samples. And looking back, I realize that all those apologies added up to was the sacrifice of my own dignity. I am the one left holding the sign “I’m Desperate.”

I’M ALWAYS THE ONE TO STEP UP AND SAY I WAS WRONG TO TRY AND SAVE A FRIENDSHIP.

Not only am I desperate, I’m also often a liar.

And I am so incredibly tired of it

Friendship is not always equal, but it should not feel like an elephant is on one side of the scale and a snail is on the other. If your friendship feels like this, then I must say I identify with you greatly at this moment. And I am throwing this one personal fact out there. If the people who read it know who they are, well then I honestly don’t care. Because this has been one of the most hurtful facts.  My sister died a few months ago. Most PAINFUL experience of my life. Hands down. I think it was one of the Indian tribes that would rip your heart out and while it was still beating, eat it. Yeah, her dying felt something like that happening to me. I had several friends who, not once, checked on me during that time and still to this day.  Granted there were controversial issues going on at the time. But, who doesn’t stop dramatic crap to pick up the phone and go, ARE YOU OKAY? How can I be there for you right now? If my friends sibling died, EVERYTHING would be set aside. I don’t care if they had called be a stupid fat whore the day before. That love and loyalty that I had felt for years for them would zap me back to reality, and I would call them.

Two of my very close friends did not call nor really seem to care all that much

 So, I’m stating this for all to read

I, Jenny Laura Fusco, absolutely refuse to have these types of friendships anymore.

I commit to finding myself, loving myself, and being okay with being alone at times.

11.18.2013

There is no friendship in this world worth sacrificing yourself over to have. Love yourself enough to realize that if your friend loved you too, they would see you for who you are. They would work with you, not against you. They would hold your hand through the pain. And at the end of the day, regardless of what was going on, they would have your back. Stop making excuses for people just to keep them in your life. Yes, they may “stay” but what does it really help?

Friendship can be like cutting if it’s unhealthy. If you are hurting yourself, my friend, it’s time to tell the person goodbye.

Is College The Answer?

Is College The Answer?

Up until recently, I’ve been saying a loud and clear: YES.  I’ve been operating for years off the assumption that once one has a degree, all gets easier. Feeling that surely, once I had that diploma hanging on my wall, I would see a HUGE lifestyle change. This is coming from a girl that can’t hardly afford to buy socks.

For some reason I thought this is what the educated life would look like:

money

boat house

hawaii

Except ever since I got my degree…this is more of what it has been like:

one-dollar bills

African American Woman

lean cuisine

Now, before I go any further, I want to make sure you understand that I’m not AGAINST education.  I am just speaking in terms of my personal experience and pondering the idea of what it would have been like had I taken a different road.

Road Split

 I went to college and got an Associate of Science in Social Sciences which I have completed.

I’m working on my Bachelors degree through Columbia College while working Monday-Friday  at an animal hospital.

As of right now, here is what I’ve found about my lifestyle:

-I do not have more money

-I do not have more socks

-We still buy Ramen Noodles

-I  have  a lot of debt

-I have even more debt to go before I get my Bachelors

-I stay burned out

– I’m frustrated

-My husband who is in a career field that does not need a college degree makes quadruple what I make

– I feel scammed by the price of college, books, and the ideal image of a college educated person that is drilled into us

-I’m scared that I’m digging myself a huge hole with education

For the first time, I’m beginning to ask myself if college was the right choice.  I graduated with a 3.8 Summa Cum Laude and member of Phi Theta Kappa. All that sounds awesome right? Like brag worthy as if I should have tons of scholarships.

NOPE

The best four year colleges did for me was offer me “in state price” if I went to them. Great.

I’m taking a break after this semester. I have to figure all of this out.

If anyone would like to answer the question

Is College the Answer?

I invite you to do so

As clearly, I need advice 🙂