Listening To & Loving Myself

Tonight I got to talk to my granddad.  He is the sweetest, funniest, and strongest man I know. Not for his age, not because he is related to me, but because he just is all the way around as a person. I told him I was feeling extremely lost with what career I wanted to go into. He explained that “the Lord tells you as much as you can understand at one time.”  He went on to say that he did not start off knowing where he wanted his end goal to be.  His interest was in the church and that is all he knew. He said if he had known he was going to go on to be a preacher he would have never pursued his career in the church because the thought of it would have been too overwhelming. He followed what he loved, learned from people, and was led into his love for the position he held for many years as a Baptist Preacher. Before you shake your head and go “wow your life must have been tough,” just know that he never once pushed religion on me. I was raised in a Christian environment but I cannot tell you a time he quoted scripture to me. He left his job at the door and raised me with love. The older I get, the more I appreciate him for that.

This is the first semester I have taken off college in years. Normally, I go to school through the semester. I feel almost like I am going through withdrawals not having deadlines to meet.  I also know that I want to get my Bachelors Degree.

Nursing has been what I have been trying to convince myself lately I want to do. Being a nurse provides a stable career, quite a lot of money, and medical benefits. Who doesn’t want those things?

I don’t love nursing though.

I love Photography. It’s my drug. Art in general.

I am at a crossroads where I must choose whether to pursue a degree that is good for me or a degree that I will enjoy obtaining.

My grandfather who drove me to my first day of school with our golden retriever Glory in the truck, is sending me $50 so I can apply to the College of Charleston. It’s a very well known historical college here in downtown Charleston, SC.  Looking on their long list of majors…. I just came upon this major tonight:

  Bachelors of Arts in Studio Art

In this major I could study photography, drawing, sculpting, printing, etc. In order to graduate, you must make an exhibit of your own personal work to present.

In how many languages can I say : YESSSSSSS.

So this is my new goal, to go apply to the college for the Fall semester.

I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea if I am going to be able to make money with this degree. I have no idea if Ramen Noodles are going to be a main staple of my diet shortly.

But here is what I do know: I would absolutely love taking these courses. I would love the pumping adrenaline resulting from the fight to make it. I would never look back and regret the portion of my life where I practiced what I loved most.

For the first time in my life, I’m learning to love myself. And with that comes accepting that I am withholding the talent I have been gifted with.

love yourself

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College Spring Semester Update

I cannot believe I managed to pass with all A’s this past spring semester. For those that know me, they might roll their eyes because they figured I would. However, this semester has been incredibly challenging. Much more so than previous ones.  I was sick January-March and had to go to the doctor I believe 4-5 times. I even made a trip to the hospital for a reaction to a medication they gave me. The Dr.s had a very hard time figuring out what was in fact wrong with me.  While I was coughing up blood and crying from the sheer misery of that whole ordeal I managed to stay in school and keep my job. My courses were: Intro to Lit, World Lit, Computer, and Stress Management.  I’ve gotten to a point where I realize that very few things about college feel pleasurable (at least for myself).  I will be obtaining my Associates of Science in Social Sciences this summer and I’m telling you, I’ve never worked harder for something in my entire life.  This two-year degree turned into about a 6 year degree. Moving around, being thrown out, being left, etc, is what caused the major delay.  I never gave up though and even when I said I wanted too-I never dropped out.

My name is Jenny and I will be 25 years old when I obtain  my Associates degree. Those words feel really hard to say. However, if I look at it from the standpoint of-I can still get my Masters Degree before I’m 30- things don’t look so bad. A lot of times it’s just the angle at which we are turning our heads to observe our lives that is off. Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I feel completely defeated, behind, and embarrassed.  I will break down on my way home occasionally from the sheer exhaustion of life and trying.  Especially in moments where I witness people getting opportunities that were never awarded to me.

I once read a quote though that said “God would not give us our life if He did not think we could handle it.”  Also, one of Eleanor Roosevelt’s comes to mind:  “Women are like tea bags, they don’t realize how strong they are until they are in hot water.”  Without forgetting Helen Keller’s beautiful quote of “We can’t do everything, but we can do something.”

The most important thing in life is that we TRY. That is anything and everything that should be expected of a person.

My husband told me alst night that I was like the turtle in the race of  The Tortoise and the Hare.  That turtle may have crossed the finish line slowly but the most important thing is that he crossed it.

If anyone is interested in reading the story The Tortoise and the Hare it’s located at  >>>> Childhood Reading

tortoise

Exams = FML

Today has been productive. I took one World Literature exam, wrote one Compare & Contrast poetry essay for Intro To Literature, and am studying tonight for my Stress Management exam.   I feel VERY overwhelmed right now. I was  a bitch to my husband earlier. Our socket in the bathroom has quit working so I can’t dry my hair in there.  Tried drying it in living room but could not do that because could not see what I was doing so I go into our back room where he is sleeping and blast the dryer all while turning on the fan and a lamp. Let’s just say he’s been happier with me….. hahaha.  School feels like it’s never going to end. It’s hard to watch my husband work a decent paying job with his Bachelors and me not even have my Associates yet. It’s even harde knowing some people choose to pay others to take their courses for them!

For those of you who have a career in mind but are unsure what it makes, benefits it offers, statistics, etc in YOUR area check out www.salary.com .  This website let me know A LOT about the career (Social Work) that I will be going into in when I move to Florida…and get my BSW. You can look up ANY career though!

If for any reason you are considering social work PLEASE check out this website Be A Social Worker .  It’s a big map ..you  just move your mouse over the states and it tells you all the colleges that offer BSW. Believe it or not this degree is a bit hard to find in many places! This map saves you  a ton of time searching different colleges to see if hey offer Social Work.

also completely random …

Our radio station here in VA is giving away $500 cash prize and a trip to Nashville. Wanted to pass on link in case yall wanted to enter! Fingers crossed I win a trip. ha! Not likely. The only thing I have ever won was a flea sprayer. EMBARASSING!!! 😦

http://ulink.tv/351-iqy25

Add me as  friend on facebook while your at it! I’m under Jenny Fusco but the link above should take you to my page..

Food Blogging..Can It Be A Career?

Ok, so in the back of my mind I would be lying if I said I had never considered doing this as a part time gig down the line (aka once I get my four year degree!). I love writing on here, meeting new people, and featuring new recipes.  I have yet to find a REALLY good article on food blogging as a career until I came across The Last Appetite ‘s food blog.  Their is an article on their site titled “making money with your food blog” that I would recommend that people read! It answers a lot of questions and points you in the right direction as far as HOW exactly do we make money with a food blog. There is also a place on The Last Appetites blog that has a food blog name generator. It’s hilarious because you will often get sexual or random words with food related words. EX: “A Chef’s Willingness” or “On her majesty’s secret lust” hahah what!?  It gives you word to consider though like : Foodie, Local, Good Living, Endless, etc.  There is nothing wrong with getting creative 🙂 Just remember it’s a food blog and not Fifty Shades of Grey!  The Food blog  generator can be found here

Obviously, I am still completely a novice at cooking AND writing.  For those reading this, no I definitely don’t make money of this site ha! But one can dream right 🙂 . I like to be informed in case I decide down the road to ever try something new. Until then I appreciate all my followers and the people that take the time to try the recipes on my page!

In case your not up to reading the add here are two websites that make SIX FIGURE SALERIES

Shoe Money

(this blog seems to have a array of different articles)

and

ProBlogger

(this blog seems to have a lot of articles on blogging in 2013)

Social Services

After continuous review of what I want to go into, I just keep going back to Social Services. I have never worked in this field but feel that the intense  things I have been through really apply to the struggles that foster children, homeless people, and those with extremely difficult family situations could relate too.  There are so many fields that I could more easily go into. I don’t want to look back though and wonder “could I have really made it happen.”  That must be the worst feeling and is a huge fear of mine.

If anyone is in the social services field or human services can you please tell me a bit about the area that you work in, if you feel satisfied with your position, and a bit about what it took for you to get there (Associates Degree, Bachelors Degree, etc). I need to learn more about this field but unfortunately it does not seem that there is much information on this topic. Maybe I am looking the wrong places. I will be moving to Florida as of well some point this year ! After a HUGE search of colleges in Florida that offer a degree in Social Services I found ONE public school which is University of Central Florida that offers it. There were a few private ones here and there as well that were $$$$.  Also, there is an on campus and online based school called Saint Leo that offers the degree. So far, my best bet sounds like University of Central Florida in Orlando.  If anyone knows about this school or has gone/is going please let me know your feedback!! 🙂

Here is a short list of why I feel I would be good in this field and things that have happened to me

  1. I’ve experienced (at 21) being thrown out of my house. (like I came home to all my belongings on the garage floor with locks changed.)
  2. I can count on one hand how many times I have met my biological father.
  3. My mother was there and yet not there. She had many problems when it came to raising me and the decisions she made in doing so. As a result, she is no longer in my life either.
  4. I understand being hungry
  5. I’ve lived in someones room (which I will always love and appreciate the person for) when I had nowhere to go
  6. I’ve run away
  7. My fiance broke up with me as I was planning our wedding
  8. I spend a large majority of my time being chronically depressed
  9. I’ve had my entire life in my car TWICE (it was a SCION xD which is TINY)

But more so than these struggles I want to show people inspiration and that you can overcome.

  1. I never gave up on college
  2. I refused to not get up in the morning and go to work when I was homeless as much as I wanted too
  3. Whether it was 2 classes or four I always completed the semesters
  4. Today, I’ve made the honor roll at my college twice
  5. My GPA is a 3.9 (I’m not naturally smart…im really not…I study my ass off and forget everything after I make the grade!)
  6. Summer of 2013 I will be graduating with my Associates
  7. I’ve gotten married
  8. I have a home
  9. I’m still in close contact with the best girl I know who gave me her bedroom in my time of crisis.

I tell you these things not to make you feel sorry for me but so that you understand me better and why I feel led to go into Social Services. I’m an open book because I feel if you share your story with people, if you are lucky, you will have helped one person feel less alone in this world.

 

And that my friends makes it all worth it.

 

 

 

Children, Career, In Law VENT

As much as I like to post things that other people enjoy, this is not the most uplifting blog I have ever done. I need to remember though this is my “Safe Place” to vent.  It may sound strange to some that I consider this a safe place since anyone online can see it! However, this blog gives me the chance to exercise my right of free speech.  And let’s just say my free speech is in need of some exercise.

Let’s start with the whole YAY or NAY to have children: 

People continuously ask me if I have kids. When I say no I have none nor do I want any, they quickly follow-up with “you will one day!”  Does this statement piss anyone else off? It’s like it’s not socially acceptable for a woman to maybe possibly not want to have kids.  I’ve always felt lead to adopt children if I did have a child. The idea of helping a child as opposed to having a child has felt much more gratifying to me.  From what I have been told, others are born with the instinct that they just want to have their own biological children. Hence, my husband.  FML. I’m not angry at him for feeling that way nor do I resent him for it because he has always been honest with me about that fact. Sadly though, it’s not a fact that is going to be changing.  I’m worried that my opinion of it is not either….  Now you say why did I marry him? Because when you are in love (or are direly trying to save your relationship and any trust left) you become blinded to an extent. You lose YOURSELF sometimes if that makes sense…your goals, your desires, your beliefs all become clouded.  You convince yourself that if you can just get married, just work through the hard times, just not give up that everything will fall into place.  I’m 25 years old, married, and my life is not in place.

Another fantastically stressful topic to mention is career field and money:

If I had a quarter for every time I heard a person complain about their job …let’s just say I would never have to live off social security! People that complain are burned out, miserable, broke, and unbelievably stressed.   My main goal: How to STOP being one of those people. Things I don’t want to experience at my job:

-Feel completely bored all day

-work 7 days a week

-Live off canned soup as I am working full time, knowing I can’t possibly work more so mines well become good friends with sodium infused foods.

-work incredibly long hours

-work around people that cause me to feel that I must surely be from another planet

Well there are many more but we will just stick to those. I can’t figure out something I love much less like enough to actually go into it. Everywhere I turn hits a dead end. I’m 25 for goodness sake and I feel confused as when I was 14. Maybe even more so.

IN LAWS

Ok so I am taking a huge risk by throwing this out there but it just needs to be said. SERIOUSLY SAID. I understand loving your child and being protective over people they date. However, please think about the long-term result of shunning your child’s boyfriend/girlfriend.  My mother in law chose to really only speak to me when I was around her son. When we were alone ice cycles could have grown from the walls it felt so cold. She never asked my hobbies, career plans, future plans…nothing. To this day I do not think she knows the answer to any of those! Let’s just say I stuck around and married her son. We ended up getting married by the court (romantic I know but my now husband had previously changed his mind about marrying me during the wedding planning….then he changed it back…I was too embarrassed to go through planning again). Anyway sorry you needed a bit of back story of that. When we did get married and called everyone….his mother sobbed. Not of happiness. He claims it was because “she couldn’t be there.”  I will put hard-earned cash on the fact that it was due to him marrying ME. Only over the past few visits AFTER we got married has she tried to make any attempt to talk to me or act like she was trying to enjoy being there in the same room with me.  He wants me to give her another chance. REALLY? after 4 years of mistreating me I am supposed to say ok! let’s give this another go? I have no mother or father in my life. I had high hopes for her being really awesome and playing a role in my life. Only to have them shot down as a hunter shoots his prey.   I dunno if anyone has advice on this topic I would appreciate!

Alright, so I will not write a book but that is my vent for the day! If you read all that mucho appreciation for caring!!!

I Don’t Belong

Anyone ever look around and have this overwhelming feeling that they do not belong? Whether that be in your career, in college, or just strolling through a neighborhood that looks like it came out of a snowglobe. I struggle with this issue a great deal in my life.  Each day I get up and the same thing. Go to work, go to school, be a wife, cook, feed the dogs… Yet, I feel incredibly unhappy.  Actually, there are days where I struggle with feeling anything at all. I want to be thankful that all my decisions and struggles have led me up to THIS point in life.  However, I still feel just as behind today as I was 5 years ago to an extent.  I’m still completely undecided about what I want to go into, I still bounce my account, I still struggle to get groceries, I still can’t pay for school, I’m still incredibly lost. 😦 I WANT to go to school  yet I can’t afford the books.  I WANT to go into Photography yet I’m not really great at taking pictures.  I WANT TO BE HAPPY. Why does all of this feel so insanely hard?