Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Thought I Was Not Good Enough

wildflower

Dear everyone who has ever thought I was not good enough,

Greetings. This has been a letter that I have been meaning to send. You know how that is, right? Life gets in the way and through all the things you think I am not doing,  somehow I forget to send this. Crazy right?

How is your delusional self doing? I would have called but then, you know, who has time to swallow more stress than their normal daily dose from the two jobs they are breaking their back working.

Did you know that for a long time, I felt like less of a girl because of you? Does that make you sickly smile inside?  And by “you” please know that, from my heart, I am sending this letter out to so many.  Addresses may have changed and you may never get this. But I want to at least try, because I deserve for you to hear what I have to say…..

I eat the most when I am sad. I want to eat all the time these days. Did you know that weight is pain?  From a young age, I was judged, punished, and  forced to exercise. People that I should have looked to for confidence either were not there or hated their body as well. Who knew that I would be a 28 year old adult, still struggling with my weight, hating my body most days, and  still craving any form of attention. It’s sad that childhood pain sticks with you like gum on a shoe. I’m on a road to healing and am using my insurance to go to a counseling that eventually will help unravel all you made me feel. I may not be there today, but one day I will be. I am good enough.

Why do you only see my lack of paper on the wall and not my accomplishments?  Yes, I will give you that, I do not have a Bachelors or Masters degree. I know much to your disappointment, the PhD. is not there either. Where was my supportive and safe home when I was trying to go through school? Have you ever asked me? I was going to school while living in my best friends bedroom, working a job, living off soup because I did not have parents that could help me.The one I had threw me out.  And yet, I refused to give up. I did not graduate high school but got my GED. I knew nothing about college, dreams, or scholarships but through determination & research I got my Associates Degree. And yet, all you see is what I don’t have!? Are you kidding me. You should be empowering me instead of making me feel embarrassed.  Despite your beliefs on my education or “lack there of” I am good enough.

Oh you don’t think I make enough money or work enough jobs? Honey, when did this information become any of your entitled egos business. I sat through horrifically awkward conversations and  answered overly invasive questions for you all in the name of trying to receive understanding. That was a mistake and for feeling I could trust your intentions, I apologize. People like you have continued to make me feel like I need to work 10 jobs, around the clock, and with no breaks Thanks for that delusional exhaustion you put on me. I am proud of what I do and what I make. And just as a reminder, I am good enough.

Who put you in charge of peoples bodies by the way? I thought you did not like me. Why do you want to be in charge of mine? I love art, tattoos, and anything visual. I have always been open about this with you and others. This is not a shock to my Baptist family nor do I pretend to be someone I am not at church. You do not have to agree with me. That is totally ok. But last time I checked…I am over 18…… Actually, add 10 years to 18 and we are closer to my actual age. So let’s all just calm down and do our own thing as adults. Sound good? I am not less of a person because of art on the wall or on my body. It’s art either way. Just so you don’t forget, I am good enough.

The point of this letter is not to blast you to hell. I understand that you come from a different background, have a different career, and are pretty much from a different world than I am. My goal is to help you realize the effect your words, looks, gossip, and questions have on people. Judging people before you have walked in their shoes is not fair. I’m not asking you to understand me but I am requesting that you accept me as I am. Because I am worth that. I have worked, struggled, traveled, lost, and cried too hard to be made to feel I am less. I’m going to walk this road alone before I have people next to me that make me feel like that.

It ends here this time.

I may be a people pleaser but I will no longer exert energy trying to please you. I deserve so much better.

With kindness and hope that one day you will change,

 

Jenny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hanging in there….

I am hanging in there with school. It’s really hard as I almost have dropped out on several occasions. I am tired, burned out, and extremely stressed trying to work a full time job and go to school part time.  Several people advised me to find the school’s counseling services though (that are free).  I recently found a very nice counselor that is going to start helping me weekly to manage money, stress, eating, and life in general.  That is really the only thing keeping me going academically right now…the hope that maybe things can somehow get easier.

sunrise

I really liked that tree picture above 🙂 I took it recently during the sunrise before work.   I wish I had taken the other side of the tree so I could get to canvases and put them next to each other. I will have to try that with a tree sometime in the future. Anyway back to what I was saying…..

My best friend Jordan and her fiancee Jay are getting married in a week. I’m so happy for them as they make an amazing couple together. He is military, can wear a leather jacket, loves her music, and knows what it means to protect.  She is tatted, loves VWs  & Mustangs, enjoys acting, and can keep Jay on his toes 🙂 I wish them the best of luck. She is going to show her tatoos during her wedding, wear high heels with big hearts on them, dawn a leather jacket (as will jay) that is spray painted with words, and is getting married in a restaurant.  I’m her maid of honor and I am honored to be that after being friends with her since we were fifteen.

valentinessky

I continue to put things in my etsy shop so eventually I will have a collection of pictures on there 🙂

Skyland Photography

I have to work the next four days on. Which means Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday I work around 38 hours. Then on Tuesday and Thursday I go to school. Wednesday is the only day I have “off” if you are not counting the amount of laundry I must do, food I must by, errands I must run, bills I must pay, etc. Think about me, as right now I am struggling.

Hilariously Horrible

Today has been one of those days that was so horrible, one almost has to laugh.

#1. Go to doctors appointment to find out I have a $89 copay. Where the fuck did that come from? They run my debit and of course, I don’t have that much money in my account. So I go to call Nick to try and get him to transfer some money…

change

#2. Go out to car to retrieve phone. Left the damn phone at home. Get in car and speed home to try and get ahold of him before appointment.

#3. He’s at training and doesn’t even get the message for like the next 8 hours.

crybaby

#4. Cancel appointment, and go to Starbucks. A guy that works there has  clearly been enjoying the attention that consists of our conversations while I drink coffee. Today, I observed him getting really uncomfortable when a customer walked in and then out with their order. Not really paying attention, he later tells me that the guy that came in is someone he is still really into. That this guy has come to his house for a date in the past and he cooked him dinner. Explaining how everything was perfect but… I kind of dazed off after those few sentences. Is this really happening? Are you seriously gay? Are you kidding me?   (nothing against gay people at all. I just really thought he was straight so it was a shock).

gay

#5. In an effort to try to make friends that have something in common with me, I ask the guy who prints my photography if he would ever want to hang out. I feel like very few of my friends adore urban photography, as I do.  I just would like to do some things “I” enjoy. I received a very kind email back pretty much kindly declining due to being busy, having a girlfriend, and a son.

surprised

#6.  A counselor in the meantime  has been trying to return my call all day. He feels he can help me with all I am going through (if he only knew). When I finally call him back I find out that I would have to pay a copay upfront of $85 and insurance would reimburse me a lot of it.  He kindly knocked price down to $50 a session when he heard dead silence on the other end of the phone. If only he knew that this is what I spend on groceries a week……

poor

Yeah…. I’m going to bed NOW to prevent anything else from possibly  happening.