It All Feels Heavy

sadjenny

Everything right now feels heavy. I went to my final divorce court hearing. It was supposed to be completely over. However, I found out my x filed the paperwork too early ūüė¶ .¬† I had not yet moved out of the house before he filed for separation.¬† Learn from the mistake and DO NOT do that. It voids the paperwork.¬† You must be actually separated before you can file which means living at a different location. My good friend Jordan drove down from VA because she is amazing to go to court with me.¬† We had a nice judge but when she noticed the mistake she was unable to put the divorce through. So my x has to refile paperwork, I have to refill it all back out, then get it to court and get another date. NIGHTMARE.¬† My hair is literally turning white.

I have been really sad about the college thing not working out. I tried going to CSU last semester but had to drop out a few months until semester was over. I felt like I was having a break down. I would cry almost every day. I worked and studied and went to school.¬† I did not even like my major and was only doing it in hopes it was something I “could” do. I think I thought that my love for kids would come back like I used to have when I was younger. It didn’t. The teaching idea has come and gone for me.¬† Often I get money focused¬† and do things for the wrong reasons.¬† I ended up switching from one establishment into another vets office in West Ashley.¬† I work six days a week and am being trained to be a veterinary assistant. That would not have happened had CSU worked out.¬† The schedules would have been impossible.¬† I’m trying to believe things happen for a reason so that I do not feel like I am drowning completely in failure. Some days I fail though.

Skinny Taste Crock Pot Chicken Taco Chili Healthy Recipe, Education Update, and New Job

This past week a few positive things have happened.

1. I finally got a full time Kennel Tech position at a Veterinary Office in Charleston, SC.  These type of positions have seriously been non existent.  A few weeks ago I got fed up from not getting any call backs from vet offices that I just started calling around to everyone I had previously applied too. By chance, this one place was actually hiring. They were able to look up my resume and I got a call back the same day for an interview. From there I did a job shadow, they called references, and ultimately offered me the job <3.  Full time. I work 4 days a week for about 9-10 hours a day. I wake up at 5:30 AM and am incredibly thankful that this job pulled through for me.

meandadog

2. I called my grandfather, who has believed in me through it all, and asked for $50 to apply to The College of Charleston. He sent me a check for $100. He is amazing. Not because he sends me money but because he believes in me. He’s spent his whole life going without things because he appreciates what he has.¬† It’s because of this that he has been able to help me along. I applied for the Studio Art major. The fall semester does not even start until August. Still have to do my taxes, update my FAFSA, and get my transcripts in. But first step is applying, and that was done today !

cofc

4. I made a crock recipe that turned out good last week. It was another one from the SkinnyTaste website.

IMG_3628

Crock Pot Chicken Taco Chili

This was really good and very easy! I believe I cooked it 5 hours on high but went by all of the ingredients. I just got that boil in a bag 10 minute brown rice instead of white rice. Definitely try this out!

So that’s what is happening this week ūüôā Hope everyone is well !

Listening To & Loving Myself

Tonight I got to talk to my granddad.¬† He is the sweetest, funniest, and strongest man I know. Not for his age, not because he is related to me, but because he just is all the way around as a person. I told him I was feeling extremely lost with what career I wanted to go into. He explained that “the Lord tells you as much as you can understand at one time.”¬† He went on to say that he did not start off knowing where he wanted his end goal to be.¬† His interest was in the church and that is all he knew. He said if he had known he was going to go on to be a preacher he would have never pursued his career in the church because the thought of it would have been too overwhelming. He followed what he loved, learned from people, and was led into his love for the position he held for many years as a Baptist Preacher. Before you shake your head and go “wow your life must have been tough,” just know that he never once pushed religion on me. I was raised in¬†a Christian environment but I cannot tell you a time he quoted scripture to me. He left his job at the door and raised me with love. The older I get, the more I appreciate him for that.

This is the first semester I have taken off college in years. Normally, I go to school through the semester. I feel almost like I am going through withdrawals not having deadlines to meet.  I also know that I want to get my Bachelors Degree.

Nursing has been what I have been trying to convince myself lately I want to do. Being a nurse provides a stable career, quite a lot of money, and medical benefits. Who doesn’t want those things?

I don’t love nursing though.

I love Photography. It’s my drug. Art in general.

I am at a crossroads where I must choose whether to pursue a degree that is good for me or a degree that I will enjoy obtaining.

My grandfather who drove me to my first day of school with our golden retriever Glory in the truck, is sending me $50 so I can apply to the College of Charleston. It’s a very well known historical college here in downtown Charleston, SC.¬† Looking on their long list of majors…. I just came upon this major tonight:

  Bachelors of Arts in Studio Art

In this major I could study photography, drawing, sculpting, printing, etc. In order to graduate, you must make an exhibit of your own personal work to present.

In how many languages can I say : YESSSSSSS.

So this is my new goal, to go apply to the college for the Fall semester.

I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea if I am going to be able to make money with this degree. I have no idea if Ramen Noodles are going to be a main staple of my diet shortly.

But here is what I do know: I would absolutely love taking these courses. I would love the pumping adrenaline resulting from the fight to make it. I would never look back and regret the portion of my life where I practiced what I loved most.

For the first time in my life, I’m learning to love myself.¬†And with that comes accepting that I am withholding the talent I have been gifted with.

love yourself

Graduation Details

Sorry I have not posted in a few days! I’ve still been struggling to get over bronchitis and job search at the same time. FUN STUFF. I have been debating about whether to travel back up to¬† good old Norfolk, VA for my “graduation ceremony.” My school mailed me my degree so the thought of walking across a stage and not receiving anything doesn’t really sound too enticing.

bored

But then I remember my grandfather who has been waiting for this day his entire life. My dad was out of the picture before I was even born. My mom and him were married for 3 months and then split up. Fun times. Anyway, somewhere in there I was created.  My father signed off of his parental rights and gave away the next 18 years of my life. My grandfather and grandmother stepped up to help my mother raise me. If it had not been for them, I can honestly say I have no idea where I would be or even if I would still be here at all.

So on Dec 19th, I am flying up to Norfolk, VA to graduate from my college on the 20th. My grandmother, grandfather, aunt, and two cousins will be there to witness it.

plane

And though I hate walking across ANY stages much less getting in front of people, I know one day I will look back and be so thankful I did that for them.

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Where I am with school….

This has been the hardest semester I have ever experienced.  Though I graduated last semester with my Associate of Science in Social Sciences, I  decided to continue on and take 3 more classes towards my Bachelors. What a big mistake. I hate saying school is ever a mistake. But, sometimes it just is.

My “thought” had been that I was going into Human Services. This major correlated with my personality, as I’m extremely giving and love to help people. The course in and of itself though is heavy. It deals with poverty, homelessness, addicts, and just about every depressing scenario one can think of. I come away from the course feeling DRAINED. And it’s not just this course, it’s my other courses too.

I feel EXHAUSTED from:

Trying

Studying

Pleasing

Working

Struggling

Burn Out

Envy

Overeating

The only time I feel so happy that I could be “high” is when I take pictures.¬† I love photography and the¬† moments that it captures.

So do I abandon this idea of school that is making me miserable?

Do I look into an expensive as hell art school?

Meanwhile, while trying to figure out my future school situation, I can’t find a job. I’ve applied at what feels like everywhere. Many places that I have seen adds for “want 2 years of experience to be considered.”¬† Are you kidding me right now? How does anyone get experience when they are not even given a chance to be hired to gain in?

I ate icing straight out of the container last night. Along with some sour cream & onion chips.

I feel that level of stressed.

 

Is College The Answer?

Is College The Answer?

Up until recently, I’ve been saying a loud and clear: YES.¬† I’ve been operating for years off the assumption that once one has a degree, all gets easier.¬†Feeling that surely,¬†once I had that diploma hanging on my wall, I would see a HUGE lifestyle change.¬†This is coming from a girl that can’t hardly afford to buy socks.

For some reason I thought this is what the educated life would look like:

money

boat house

hawaii

Except ever since I got my degree…this is more of what it has been like:

one-dollar bills

African American Woman

lean cuisine

Now, before I go any further, I want to make sure you understand that I’m not AGAINST education.¬† I am just speaking in terms of my personal experience and pondering the idea of what it would have been like had I taken a different road.

Road Split

 I went to college and got an Associate of Science in Social Sciences which I have completed.

I’m working on my Bachelors degree through Columbia College while working Monday-Friday ¬†at an animal hospital.

As of right now, here is what I’ve found about my lifestyle:

-I do not have more money

-I do not have more socks

-We still buy Ramen Noodles

-I  have  a lot of debt

-I have even more debt to go before I get my Bachelors

-I stay burned out

– I’m frustrated

-My husband who is in a career field that does not need a college degree makes quadruple what I make

– I feel scammed by the price of college, books, and the ideal image of a college educated person that is drilled into us

-I’m scared that I’m digging myself a huge hole with education

For the first time, I’m beginning to ask myself if¬†college was the right choice.¬† I graduated with a 3.8¬†Summa Cum Laude¬†and member of Phi¬†Theta Kappa. All that sounds awesome right? Like brag worthy as if I¬†should have tons of scholarships.

NOPE

The best four year colleges did for me was offer me¬†“in state price” if I went to them. Great.

I’m taking a break after this semester. I have to figure all of this out.

If anyone would like to answer the question

Is College the Answer?

I invite you to do so

As clearly, I need advice ūüôā

Dare to Jump

ocean

It’s slow postin these days! Sorry guys! I’ve been tied up with trying to get a job, figuring out where we will be transferring too, and just trying to survive life in general. I believe I did post about graduating but am actually unsure haha? In July 2013 I finished my Associate of Science in Social Science degree. It took me five years to do so. However, instead of being ashamed of that I find myself being thankful that I never gave up on my goal to graduate.¬† Even when I was literally homeless, I was determined to not give up on education because it was really my only hope of being able to have a better life one day.¬† I never really stopped to think about what careers I could go into that would not require a college diploma. Those seem to be few and far between. There are some out there though! So if you took that route, have a stable career, and have no college debt I absolutely applaud you.

The update on moving is that Nick has tested for Charleston, SC and is about to test for Jacksonville, SC. As pretty as Florida is…I really want to go home. I want to see my friends, repair relationships, and actually enjoy where I was born. I have never really given myself time to relax and see Charleston, SC for what it is. I allowed so many things and memories from my childhood to negatively effect me when I went there.¬† It’s time to see the place through a new pair of sunglasses.

I decided to enter into a new major at TCC. I am taking 3 courses in Social Ethics, Psychology, and Human Services. I’m very¬†interested to see how I like the Human Services one as this is what my major is in. Though I have taken Psychology type courses and Social Problems, I’ve never taken just straight Human Services. If I do not like this course it’s really going to throw me for a loop as to what to do. Something I have mildly considered lately is doing an EMT-B(asic) course.¬† They offer them at colleges. Usually, the courses are 6 months long, $1500, and prepare you for additional testing. If you pass everything you are qualified to go on to work anywhere in the nation as an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician).¬† My brother does something similar and has really loved it. I believe he is going to pursue that when he comes back from deployment. Does anyone work in this profession that could give some insight into what an EMT-B would be qualified to do?

I would also like to add, RIP to Corbin. He did pass away recently from Trisomy 13. He was a smiling fighter.¬†I saw a video of him “dancing” to music with tubes all over him. If that is not inspiration, I do not know what is. Heaven gained someone really great.

Hoping everyone is doing well!