Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Thought I Was Not Good Enough

wildflower

Dear everyone who has ever thought I was not good enough,

Greetings. This has been a letter that I have been meaning to send. You know how that is, right? Life gets in the way and through all the things you think I am not doing,  somehow I forget to send this. Crazy right?

How is your delusional self doing? I would have called but then, you know, who has time to swallow more stress than their normal daily dose from the two jobs they are breaking their back working.

Did you know that for a long time, I felt like less of a girl because of you? Does that make you sickly smile inside?  And by “you” please know that, from my heart, I am sending this letter out to so many.  Addresses may have changed and you may never get this. But I want to at least try, because I deserve for you to hear what I have to say…..

I eat the most when I am sad. I want to eat all the time these days. Did you know that weight is pain?  From a young age, I was judged, punished, and  forced to exercise. People that I should have looked to for confidence either were not there or hated their body as well. Who knew that I would be a 28 year old adult, still struggling with my weight, hating my body most days, and  still craving any form of attention. It’s sad that childhood pain sticks with you like gum on a shoe. I’m on a road to healing and am using my insurance to go to a counseling that eventually will help unravel all you made me feel. I may not be there today, but one day I will be. I am good enough.

Why do you only see my lack of paper on the wall and not my accomplishments?  Yes, I will give you that, I do not have a Bachelors or Masters degree. I know much to your disappointment, the PhD. is not there either. Where was my supportive and safe home when I was trying to go through school? Have you ever asked me? I was going to school while living in my best friends bedroom, working a job, living off soup because I did not have parents that could help me.The one I had threw me out.  And yet, I refused to give up. I did not graduate high school but got my GED. I knew nothing about college, dreams, or scholarships but through determination & research I got my Associates Degree. And yet, all you see is what I don’t have!? Are you kidding me. You should be empowering me instead of making me feel embarrassed.  Despite your beliefs on my education or “lack there of” I am good enough.

Oh you don’t think I make enough money or work enough jobs? Honey, when did this information become any of your entitled egos business. I sat through horrifically awkward conversations and  answered overly invasive questions for you all in the name of trying to receive understanding. That was a mistake and for feeling I could trust your intentions, I apologize. People like you have continued to make me feel like I need to work 10 jobs, around the clock, and with no breaks Thanks for that delusional exhaustion you put on me. I am proud of what I do and what I make. And just as a reminder, I am good enough.

Who put you in charge of peoples bodies by the way? I thought you did not like me. Why do you want to be in charge of mine? I love art, tattoos, and anything visual. I have always been open about this with you and others. This is not a shock to my Baptist family nor do I pretend to be someone I am not at church. You do not have to agree with me. That is totally ok. But last time I checked…I am over 18…… Actually, add 10 years to 18 and we are closer to my actual age. So let’s all just calm down and do our own thing as adults. Sound good? I am not less of a person because of art on the wall or on my body. It’s art either way. Just so you don’t forget, I am good enough.

The point of this letter is not to blast you to hell. I understand that you come from a different background, have a different career, and are pretty much from a different world than I am. My goal is to help you realize the effect your words, looks, gossip, and questions have on people. Judging people before you have walked in their shoes is not fair. I’m not asking you to understand me but I am requesting that you accept me as I am. Because I am worth that. I have worked, struggled, traveled, lost, and cried too hard to be made to feel I am less. I’m going to walk this road alone before I have people next to me that make me feel like that.

It ends here this time.

I may be a people pleaser but I will no longer exert energy trying to please you. I deserve so much better.

With kindness and hope that one day you will change,

 

Jenny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Cry

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So something about me that people either love or fear is how open I am. I share with the world how I am feeling. I’m thankful that I have had  many days where this blog has been colorful and bright.  Each post I make is a representation of what I am going through as a person.  I feel that when someone puts their heart (literally) into their blog, others can feel it.  Tonight, I watched an ABC wedding of Shawn and Catherine  (The last couple from The Bachelor). I witnessed them say their vows Live, watched as Shawn cried when he first saw his bride, and how the preacher (Shawn’s dad) welcomed his new wife to the family while expressing how in love they were with him.  My facebook status shortly after watching this wedding was something along the lines of “I don’t know whether I want to drink or die.”   Is it possible to do both? I cried through the majority of that special tonight.

For those that do not know, I am going through a “separation.” What the hell does that word even mean? It’s not like I am flying off to another country. This is not one of those deals where things may work out, issues can be worked on, or trust can be repaired. I’m being left by someone I have loved beyond what words can express. Someone whom I have stood by in the darkness of hell and the light of heaven. I feel confused, angry, and unbelievably sad. I’ve been left before but never by someone I was married too.  The last time, I numbed out the pain by crying very little. On one of the rare occasions I did cry, I curled up like a child to my brother and sobbed.  I should have done it more. I didn’t allow myself to feel enough. It was some kind of survival mechanism. This time, I refuse to run, hide, or ignore. I want to feel the cruelty of life, the betrayal of promises once made, and everything in between.

Tonight, I share the piece of myself that feels with you.

CRY

Tonight I’ve had one of those nights where I just needed to cry it out. The pain of what “could have been” just got too heavy and I bent beneath its weight.  Some days I am able to be strong, pretend my heart does not bleed, and attempt to live as much of a normal life as possible. But there are just those days when I look in the mirror while drying my hair and start sobbing.  God why? Why someone that could have been a really good child. I want a dad. I want a mom. I want parents. I want to pick up that phone and know someone understands.For them to say that they are sorry. Say that the love me. That it’s going to be ok. I’m 25 and I wish someone could adopt me. Someone that is willing to say I may not be blood but my passion for helping is more pure than the blood of the most beloved kings. I’m going to take a chance and be something great to someone who clearly really needs me…and I might just end up needing her a lot in the end too.

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If for any reason one day I need this page this is the adult adoption page divided my different states. There are laws. And it is possible to adopt an adult. Located here