It’s hard not to feel bitter.

I know my posts are not the most positive these days.

It is just hard not to feel bitter….

I recently decided to call a sliding scale health clinic to  make an appointment to get some birth control.

For those that don’t know, a sliding scale clinic takes your pay stub and decides how much you are charged. Literally, a computer decides how much you are going to pay.

I drive way out into Johns Island, SC to find this clinic. Forrest is all around me and I am waiting for a herd of deer to spring in front of my car.

When I get there and fill out paperwork, the computer decided I qualify for  $35 appointments. I pay this and wait in a clinic full of very sick people for what feels like forever.

Finally, I am called back into a room with a small window and no magazines. Actually, unless you are interested in how to know if you have Ebola, there was NOTHING to read.

And of course I left my phone in the car.

Finally, the nurse comes in. I guess she was a nurse because there was no doctor in front of her name.  She doesn’t state she is a nurse though..

Long story short, she examines me, tells me I need a pregnancy test first, is going to send me home with an order for blood work, and orders the birth control I want. (it is chew-able because I have a hard time taking pills).

I pay another $18 for a pregnancy test.

Then, they say they sent my prescription to my pharmacy. They tell me to take two discount pharmacy cards. On the card it states that 75% of medications FDA approved are covered etc etc.

I go to Target today and bring these cards. One card takes NOTHING off of my $100 birth control. The other takes $2 dollars. $2 fucking dollars. I explain to the pharmacist that I do not have money to pay this every month. There is no way. Is there any other kind of flavored birth control that she would recommend. She says she does not know of anything. I leave the medication there feeling defeated.

I went and bought a Starbucks Chestnut Praline Latte and call it a fucking day.

The fact that full time workers cannot get health insurance, dental insurance, and vision insurance is mind blowing to me. Maybe in some cases people can get medicaid or medicare. I do not have children and work too many hours to qualify for full coverage anything. One of those offered me one appointment every two years. Wow. Thanks.

I am over today.

starbucks

Advertisements

Depression and a Cruise Ship

I went to a counselor today for the first time in a while. Talking about something and doing something are two totally different beasts.  Due to my low income, it has been challenging to find any kind of help. However, my boyfriend new someone at a near hospital who referred us to a resident clinic. For anyone struggling financially, this is an awesome option.  Basically, psychiatrists have to first work as residence at a hospital before they can go into their own practice. I got a young girl that was really awesome. She seemed extremely knowledgeable about how to diagnose and things to ask.  I told the truth, gave me some of my story, and told her I wanted my quality of life to change. Based on everything I told her, she did confirm that as of right now, she feels I am struggling with depressive disorder. She gave me something to help me sleep and also an SSNRI to help me treat it.  I’m going to start going to her and see if she can help me. I have to believe this can work because I am tired and weak from battling this. My life has been a roller coaster and I need for it to slow down.

I did something new tonight too. I went on a four course dinner cruise with my boyfriend. (He gets major amazing points because he came home early from his vacation so he could take me to counseling downtown. I love him so much for that).  This cruise was interesting. I sort of liked it.  It was a cruise for his work. I was shocked when I saw the inside of this boat because it was set up like a fancy dinner. It took me a minute to take in the fact that there was fancy china and a full bar in the inside.  I learned a few things…..

  1. People that eat in high class environments eat with WAY too many forks. I not only had a fork on both sides of  my plate but I had one above it too. I was told to start from the outside and work my way in. Why? I mean, I just need one fork. I picked up one and my boyfriend said it was the wrong one. What? Seriously? It is a fork……    Maybe it is a poor person thing but I think it is insane. It is like grabbing a handful of silverware and handing it out to each person while saying, sorry if you end up with six spoons. hahahahah…..

2. Four course meals don’t have many selections (at least not on this cruise. For instance, they TOLD us we would be having shecrab soup (I don’t eat fish) and  Salad with watermelon (umm wtf? fruit on lettuce…no). Thank goodness they let us choose our main dish. This main dish is the only reason I survived that cruise thing without chewing off my own arm from starvation. I chose the chocolate cake with coconut. Sounded good. Was fucking awful. Like they served me something that had the texture of a chocolate brick with a tiny puff of whipped cream on it. Apparently, the coconut got shot to hell several years ago….. anyway so that was interesting.

3. I get horrible dizziness when eating next to windows that are horizontal to the direction the boat is going. Due to how we were positioned, for the longest time I thought the boat was going side ways. Can a boat even drive sideways!?! who knows but this is what I thought until I realized we were going straight. The water was relaxing but for some reason the motion made me feel ick.

I will post some pictures tomorrow but did want to post this up because I am proud that I sought help today ❤

What I have Survived

What I Have Survived

Due to feeling really down and depressed lately, I think I need to remind myself of some things.

From April 2014-June 2015

-I moved to Jess’s, Katt’s, Rebekah’s, and now Jeremy’s. That is FOUR moves

-I wrecked my Silverado, constantly was drowning in my leaky 1999 VW Cabrio, blew out stick shift twice in black VW Jetta, and finally acquired a beautiful 2013 Nissan Versa from my grandfather.

-I did not finish but I did go back to Charleston Southern University in the midst of this. The point with the mention of this is that when I had no printer, no clothes, hardly any shoes, few school supplies, and worked full time, I TRIED school again.

-I entered my first photography contest at the North Charleston Arts Festival. I did not win but my art hung next to other peoples great works. And honestly, that was more than enough.

-I worked full time, 4 days a week, 12 hour days. I was stuck in kennel which is where I needed to be. Going through pain like that I needed to be in the back, alone, scrubbing the shit (literally) out of dog and cat runs literally. And being able to go into the yard and hug a dog that could sense I felt like I was dying was amazing.

-I got chemically burned while at this job. My hand was on fire and I got treated for a 2nd degree burn with silver burn cream. It had to be wrapped daily and time taken off work.

– I took a really big chance. Momentarily, I took a different job thinking that it was a good decision. The environment did not work for me nor did the hours. I had been offered a shadow previously. Without knowing whether that shadow was still available, I quit current job. I know you are thinking WOW that was smart… but turned out it was worth it. The new vets office let me shadow, I got better hours, better pay, am going to start JUST working PM shifts, and I have been doing Vet Assisting which in my field (especially without a degree as a Vet Tech) is an honor.

I have to keep telling myself it IS getting better. I had a much waited for moment the other day. My Facebook status was:

There is a place you go to in your mind with bad relationships where you find only good memories/moments. I sought that place for false hope and unhealthy comfort in the past. The other day, out of habit, I tried to go there. It was as if the door had a giant lock with a sign on it saying “enough.” I felt surprisingly sad to let go of the opportunity to revisit a place that kept me sick. Yesterday was the first moment in my entire divorce where the idea of my x, memories, my old life, felt very strange and uncomfortable. I don’t miss him, the fact that we were married, what was, or what never will be. This is the first obvious sign in 1 and a half years that I am healing. 

I don’t know why it took so long to get to a place where this finally happened. It took an incredibly long time to mourn him. I remember my religion teacher saying that a divorce was like losing a body part. I feel like that is an accurate description.  At the end of the day, I think I loved him more. That kept me coming back, kept me being stupid, and kept me hung up on him while he had long since moved on.  I think God had a hand in finally helping my unhealthy thoughts and sadness to end without a doubt.

The Struggle is Real

I’ve been away for a little while (again) so let me get things updated!

I was working full time as a Kennel Tech at an animal hospital in West Ashley (Charleston).  My friend worked at this other employment and I came up with this great idea to try to work their with her too. It involved rescue animals and similar things as I was used too. I learned a VERY valuable lesson in that, ONE MUST ALWAYS SHADOW FOR A JOB.  What is nice for one person is not always nice for another person. I gave my two week notice at current job and of course, was not allowed to serve out the two week notice. Therefore, I was already short on money.  Stayed with that new job for like three days. I was exhausted to the point I would crawl into bed around 3 pm and wake up around 9 or 10pm. Only to try and go back to bed because I had to be up at 4:30 AM.  FML. Long story longer….

Before I took that job I had also been offered a shadow with a different vet hospital right down the road. I did not take the shadow because I thought the other place was a better decision. Panicking I emailed the person who was going to give that to me and asked her for a second opportunity to shadow . THANK GOODNESS the position had not been filled and I was allowed to  come in.  I realized I much prefer a vet environment to a rescue environment.  My personality is very OCD and structured. I like things labeled, to do things a certain way, and to have some independence. This is a teaching hospital which means they train all kinds of students. From new pharmacy techs, vet techs, vet assistants, veterinarians, etc.  Tomorrow, I will be training in SURGERY. I am mind blown by that.  They are pro be going to Penn Foster to get my Vet Tech degree and teaching me at the hospital too. I have to tell myself on hard days…. I HAVE to push through.

Arrabella

My divorce is finalized in a matter of days (MAY 19th). Please think about me on that day. I took entire day off from work and have braced myself to feel sad or other negative emotions. I actually think though that I am going to feel more relieved than I expected. I really am ready for this to be over and to move on. There are days where it still hurts but I do not let it control my life any more.

I am going to be moving again for the 4th time in a year.  It is going to give me a chance to save up money to potentially get my own place. That is definitely the goal.  I almost jumped back into an ocean front property that was nice and expensive. But my friends gave me valuable advice about rethinking my steps and making absolute sure I could afford something like that. I believe the day will come when I can, but it is not today. The picture below is of my actual account. Hence, why I titled this post “The Struggle Is Real.”

IMG_0905

Hilariously Horrible

Today has been one of those days that was so horrible, one almost has to laugh.

#1. Go to doctors appointment to find out I have a $89 copay. Where the fuck did that come from? They run my debit and of course, I don’t have that much money in my account. So I go to call Nick to try and get him to transfer some money…

change

#2. Go out to car to retrieve phone. Left the damn phone at home. Get in car and speed home to try and get ahold of him before appointment.

#3. He’s at training and doesn’t even get the message for like the next 8 hours.

crybaby

#4. Cancel appointment, and go to Starbucks. A guy that works there has  clearly been enjoying the attention that consists of our conversations while I drink coffee. Today, I observed him getting really uncomfortable when a customer walked in and then out with their order. Not really paying attention, he later tells me that the guy that came in is someone he is still really into. That this guy has come to his house for a date in the past and he cooked him dinner. Explaining how everything was perfect but… I kind of dazed off after those few sentences. Is this really happening? Are you seriously gay? Are you kidding me?   (nothing against gay people at all. I just really thought he was straight so it was a shock).

gay

#5. In an effort to try to make friends that have something in common with me, I ask the guy who prints my photography if he would ever want to hang out. I feel like very few of my friends adore urban photography, as I do.  I just would like to do some things “I” enjoy. I received a very kind email back pretty much kindly declining due to being busy, having a girlfriend, and a son.

surprised

#6.  A counselor in the meantime  has been trying to return my call all day. He feels he can help me with all I am going through (if he only knew). When I finally call him back I find out that I would have to pay a copay upfront of $85 and insurance would reimburse me a lot of it.  He kindly knocked price down to $50 a session when he heard dead silence on the other end of the phone. If only he knew that this is what I spend on groceries a week……

poor

Yeah…. I’m going to bed NOW to prevent anything else from possibly  happening.

Books & Baggy Eyes

I feel so peaceful when I am around books. Whenever I am going through something hard, I make every effort to surround myself with books. Stories to me are old friends and amazing support systems. Tonight, I found myself contemplating cigarettes (I don’t smoke) at the gas station while I pumped gas.  Instead, I opted for a coffee and a book store. It brought me a lot of comfort in a silent calming sort of way.

Last night, I once again drank a bottle with my friend. We watched love movies and she chain smoked out the window of the house she hates living in. Her little red and gold Christmas tree is still up. As if to say, it’s going to be ok…it’s supposed to be ok…

Everything in my life right now feels hard and painful. I want to drink, smoke, cut, pierce, throw up, get tattooed, tear up a punching bag, scream, cry, and literally die. Everything hurts. Everything feels unfair.

I would go into more detail and perhaps once time has passed, it will be appropriate. But right now I can only share that I am dealing with a very painful and sad issue that involves love.

If you pray, please pray for strength for me. ❤

Massive Vent: To Remind you that I’m a real person!

So this is one of those blogs that reminds you that I’m a real person. This week has been CRAP. Like I can’t even tell you. I’ve been having friend issues. I previously posted a blog about it with the persons name in there (which I regret I used her name). Sometimes we just vent without thinking kwim? and then look back  realizing we could have handled that a lot more maturely. I have days where I’m just like “fuck it” and I post about whatever it is that is going through my mind.  My best friend of 10 years and I have apparently gone in completely different directions. It has been so painful for me that it has felt like a breakup.  I have mouthed off like a child over these past few weeks of this happening. Don’t people sometimes do this though when they are losing something they love? It doesn’t make it right. I was not right for a lot of things I said to my friend as our friendship was dissolving.   So anyway, without going into further detail I’ve been dealing with the loss of that person.  If you know her name then please don’t state it openly.

I read an email about her deciding that she didn’t want to be friends anymore ultimately yesterday.   This was a huge mistake as I was about to go to work babysitting for a new client.  Never do anything stressful when you are about to drive.  I get to my clients neighborhood and cannot find the right house. Realizing I went to the wrong address, I back up in someone’s driveway to turn around and upon pulling out of their driveway I slam into the back of another car. I’m not even kidding. We were both pulling out/reversing at the exact same time.  FML.   So I check and make sure they are ok. They look like they want to kill me. I get it because they had kids in the car. I told them how sorry I was and went for my phone finding it completely dead. I have no way to call my client. I exchange insurance information with the people I hit. The wife then looks at me and says ok so we are clear what happened here. (inferring I was taking total responsibility). Thank you Lord for suppressing my people pleasing tendencies in that moment. I did not respond to her. She then decided she wanted to call the police to take an actual report. Long story short. They came out. Did an “accident report.”  And feel that we were both coming out at the same time when we hit each other. I filed with my insurance as they did with theirs. Apparently we have two different stories as to where our vehicles were when we first made impact. They are stating they were up in their driveway completely…. right.  uggghhhhhh  Fingers crossed this will be ruled a no at fault (aka we were both at fault) accident. I totally lost my babysitting client though in the midst of this because I could only message her later that day when I got home and plugged my phone in. She was nice about it but I get the feeling I’m never going to hear from her again.

Just been a completely craptastic week.  Had to email about how bad it was.

Oh and let me throw one more thing out there that may come across as controversial.  What people are willing to pay for childcare these days is

BLOWING MY MIND

I look on craigslist and people want to pay (literally) change per hour to watch their children. I understand having a reduced rate if you have a daycare with several children. I give props for any daycare provider that can afford and is able to do that.  ❤ :::applause:::  But, babysitting or being a nanny is different. You are working one on one with ONE clients children. I will say (myself) since I do this. I drive to peoples houses AND back home to my house which takes gas (often a lot depending on where people live).  I interact, play, read, do crafts, keep children on schedule, prepare meals, monitor, change children, etc while I’m at a clients residence.  I’m willing to stay until whatever time the parent chooses to get home. I am seriously not kidding when I say this…People want to pay under $5 an hour in my area for this type of care.  I saw an add on craigslist.com the other day stating that a woman needs help on both weekend days and can pay $10 total. She has two children. WHAT??? The person doing this would come out negative. With gas to and from BOTH days it would equal like -$5 once the babysitter  gets done with everything IF the person lived close. Please think about this before hiring a childcare provider. Even if you can’t afford to pay her much hourly consider what you could offer her. For instance, my job tonight got one of my “discounted” rates. I do not go that low anymore because I realized I cannot afford it at all. However, she offered to give me a Scentsy oil warmer for free that she had.  This made me feel a lot more appreciated!

Just saying……..

Oh I had to go back and add just one more thing to this since God knows I’m on a roll (literally)! I cannot stand when people do this. I was at a friends party today.  I was asked what I did. I said “childcare.” The woman I kid you not says I’m unsure where that is located. I’m like I am a babysitter…she looks shocked, unimpressed, and is like OH.  WTF? I then proceed to tell her I am going to college, will be graduating this summer, and then going right into a Human Services Degree.  She is all “Oh wow good for you. I’m unsure if you know this but just be prepared that profession hardly makes any money.” REALLY? I felt that was super inappropriate on several levels to tell me that. It’s like telling someone who says “I work at Walmart.”  “oh you must be super poor.”  My friend piped up when she said that and is like well she will be making more than she does not babysitting!! And the lady I kid you not goes “well not that much more!”  She seemed like a nice enough lady but Jesus….. THINK PEOPLE…. If you would not want someone to say something like that to you then for goodness sakes don’t respond to others in this way.  Everything I liked about her literally washed down a invisible waterfall right in front of me after those statements.  Anyone who makes you feel embarrassed about who you are as a person really needs to review their people skills.

Ok I’m done. If you read all that you are a true devout follower lol!!!