Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Thought I Was Not Good Enough

wildflower

Dear everyone who has ever thought I was not good enough,

Greetings. This has been a letter that I have been meaning to send. You know how that is, right? Life gets in the way and through all the things you think I am not doing,  somehow I forget to send this. Crazy right?

How is your delusional self doing? I would have called but then, you know, who has time to swallow more stress than their normal daily dose from the two jobs they are breaking their back working.

Did you know that for a long time, I felt like less of a girl because of you? Does that make you sickly smile inside?  And by “you” please know that, from my heart, I am sending this letter out to so many.  Addresses may have changed and you may never get this. But I want to at least try, because I deserve for you to hear what I have to say…..

I eat the most when I am sad. I want to eat all the time these days. Did you know that weight is pain?  From a young age, I was judged, punished, and  forced to exercise. People that I should have looked to for confidence either were not there or hated their body as well. Who knew that I would be a 28 year old adult, still struggling with my weight, hating my body most days, and  still craving any form of attention. It’s sad that childhood pain sticks with you like gum on a shoe. I’m on a road to healing and am using my insurance to go to a counseling that eventually will help unravel all you made me feel. I may not be there today, but one day I will be. I am good enough.

Why do you only see my lack of paper on the wall and not my accomplishments?  Yes, I will give you that, I do not have a Bachelors or Masters degree. I know much to your disappointment, the PhD. is not there either. Where was my supportive and safe home when I was trying to go through school? Have you ever asked me? I was going to school while living in my best friends bedroom, working a job, living off soup because I did not have parents that could help me.The one I had threw me out.  And yet, I refused to give up. I did not graduate high school but got my GED. I knew nothing about college, dreams, or scholarships but through determination & research I got my Associates Degree. And yet, all you see is what I don’t have!? Are you kidding me. You should be empowering me instead of making me feel embarrassed.  Despite your beliefs on my education or “lack there of” I am good enough.

Oh you don’t think I make enough money or work enough jobs? Honey, when did this information become any of your entitled egos business. I sat through horrifically awkward conversations and  answered overly invasive questions for you all in the name of trying to receive understanding. That was a mistake and for feeling I could trust your intentions, I apologize. People like you have continued to make me feel like I need to work 10 jobs, around the clock, and with no breaks Thanks for that delusional exhaustion you put on me. I am proud of what I do and what I make. And just as a reminder, I am good enough.

Who put you in charge of peoples bodies by the way? I thought you did not like me. Why do you want to be in charge of mine? I love art, tattoos, and anything visual. I have always been open about this with you and others. This is not a shock to my Baptist family nor do I pretend to be someone I am not at church. You do not have to agree with me. That is totally ok. But last time I checked…I am over 18…… Actually, add 10 years to 18 and we are closer to my actual age. So let’s all just calm down and do our own thing as adults. Sound good? I am not less of a person because of art on the wall or on my body. It’s art either way. Just so you don’t forget, I am good enough.

The point of this letter is not to blast you to hell. I understand that you come from a different background, have a different career, and are pretty much from a different world than I am. My goal is to help you realize the effect your words, looks, gossip, and questions have on people. Judging people before you have walked in their shoes is not fair. I’m not asking you to understand me but I am requesting that you accept me as I am. Because I am worth that. I have worked, struggled, traveled, lost, and cried too hard to be made to feel I am less. I’m going to walk this road alone before I have people next to me that make me feel like that.

It ends here this time.

I may be a people pleaser but I will no longer exert energy trying to please you. I deserve so much better.

With kindness and hope that one day you will change,

 

Jenny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The dark side of being a veterinary assistant

I get the question often “is your job fun?” There are few questions that make me stutter out an answer and smile than this question.

I want to first say that I take my  job extremely seriously. It’s rewarding and inspiring to see people work double shifts in the name of helping animals and each other. And nothing beats comforting an animal while knowing you are silently making a difference to them.

With that being said, I have never worked harder in my entire life. There are days I get in my car and cry all the way home. Part of being a veterinary assistant is participating in the passing of an animal.  You also witness the look of heartbreak on pet owners faces when it is time to say goodbye or the moment they learn unexpectedly that their beloved friend will not recover. As an assistant, I have to hold it together. It takes so much strength to not break down.

Today felt hard. I came home with my body aching and my heart feeling heavy. I cried on the way home and fell asleep in the early afternoon because physically and emotionally, I had nothing left. My boyfriend wanted me to go out to eat with his cousin but the thought of going anywhere and meeting with anyone, felt all too exhausting. By the way, unless your significant other is in the same career field, this job will take its toll on your relationship.

For anyone considering this career, you need to understand that this job requires above and beyond what most humans posses. You have to acknowledge on a daily basis that all you can do is your best and that at the end of the day, this has to be enough. There are so many things, decisions, moments, and ideas that you have absolutely no say in.  You must always respect your doctors, listen to your nurses, and do exactly as you are told.

Assistants are responsible for feeding and monitoring patients,  opening and closing the clinic, shift change cleaning list, they scrub/autoclave/ wrap surgical items, all used surfaces are wiped down, every cage used is disinfected, weekly cleaning list, blood work, fecals, staining, assisting in x ray and ultrasound, answering phones, going in patients rooms with doctors, restraining, helping clients to their car, recording everything being sent out (bloodwork/fecals/ other), making medical notes, invoicing, scheduling, putting events on the white board, setting up or breaking down surgery, putting away dental items, laundry, dishes, etc.  Some days you are the only assistant and you are still expected to do all of the above during your shift.

It is hard. It is so hard some days. There are days where you don’t have time to eat. Not even a snack because you are so busy.  I have definite moments where I feel extremely light headed or past physically exhausted. Since having this job I have kept an upset stomach daily.

Being a veterinary assistant is work. It takes a big heart and an extreme drive. I am honored to be able to help the patients that I do and to be there to comfort when others have to pass. ❤

I just wanted to write about some of the realities of this career. This job is not “fun” or “easy.” Days where I leave my job on time, smiling, and stress free are GREAT days. There are those days! But before going into this, make sure you understand EVERYTHING that is involved. For as rewarding as this career is, it requires a lot of sacrifice.

thelightbehind

 

I took this picture a few weeks ago of a tree outside of our apartment. The closer I got to it the more it appeared to be lit up like a Christmas tree. The edges of the branches too here lit with a thin line of white light. I have never before seen something like this. The way the sun was hitting this tree was gorgeous. I feel like God knew I needed to see something good.

Something I also thought of today is that I don’t see things the same way when I see them again. For instance, I can go back out to this tree and not see it like this photograph shows. I past by a different area that I photographed earlier today and did not get the same inspired feeling to photograph it. It is interesting how when we are feeling or longing for something, we seek out a way to turn our answers (or questions) into art. And when that moment has past or when we are at a different place, we see things differently. I just think that is cool 🙂  .

 

 

Silence is Loud

I’ve realized that silence is ironically very loud. There are all different types of silence. Some types occur naturally while others occur due to unsettling events. Here are my interpretations:

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Intellectual Silence: you can find this in a library or at a place of business that involves software developers swimming in a sea of computers. This silence feels intelligent, focused, and out of most peoples intellectual understanding. So many thoughts are floating around in the air that one knows not to speak, so as not to disturb the spider web of thoughts occurring.

Awkward Silence: That silence that comes after witnessing an event or overhearing words that should have never occurred.  There is not any room in the air for comments, gestures, or other expressions after what just happened. For a moment, you forget your language, and just want to disappear.

Forced Silence: This occurs when a persons options are limited. Jobs force people to conform and in doing so, cause a forced silence among employees. Before even getting a job one will often see or hear: no tattoos, no piercings, no jewelry, no raises, and/or no benefits. One smiles and acts as if this is all they have ever wanted. Maybe, sometimes it is. But for those of us who understand forced silence, we are desperate and do what we can to survive.

Peaceful Silence: This can be found when rain is falling and one does not have to wake up, when sitting by the fireplace with someone you love,  when wrapping your arms around your dog after a hard day,  leaning against your lovers chest, and after the exhale of relief from someone financially helping you out.  This silence reminds you that you are going to be ok, that tomorrow is in fact going to come, and that most of all there is hope.

Painful Silence: This occurs when there are just no words to speak. Everything in ones heart feels so heavy that verbalizing something would not even touch the problem or loss.  This silence occurs when feeling trapped, burned out, looking at ones bank account, tired from the lack of options, or having lost someone to death. This silence is dangerous because it symbolizes a persons pain is so severe that they cannot vocalize it.

Religious Silence: Regardless of what religion you are, there is most likely some point in which you choose to pray, meditate, or sit peacefully to focus. This silence occurs out of respect for something greater than anyone can truly understand.

Shocked Silence: That moment right after someone tells you or someone near you something that is negative, hurtful, and offensive. This moment can cause a person to feel nauseous, feverish, and extremely resentful.

Because silence has become so loud, I do not seek comfort in it the way I used too. As you get older, the curtain is pulled back, as the show begins. You see things as they are as opposed to how you wish them to be. It is a whole different world.

Saying Goodbye

Today, Atlas, a very loved clinic cat that belonged to all of us at my vet office was put down. Everyone working there has taken care of him in some way and just the same, Atlas has touched their lives. You could find him posted on the front counter as people came into the vet hospital or sleeping in his favorite spot under the computer. I loved caring for him and really am going to miss him so very much.

Before leaving today, the doctor called us all into the treatment area and told us it was time to say goodbye to Atlas, as he was suffering from a medical condition that has worsened. I’ve never before been in a professional setting, surrounded by people, and witnessed every single person in that room start crying. You could see the pain on everyone’s faces and literally feel the extreme sadness in the air. We were given the option to stay or go for the euthanasia. No one left. I took a picture of everyone touching him at once and some people saying goodbye. I took this picture:

atlas

I cried in the office along with everyone else, I cried in my car, and I cried when I got home. As much as I did not want to watch him go, I wanted to be there. It was an odd feeling. The room felt united with all of us there together. All of us losing him. For twenty or so minutes, we were all on the same page. .We were hurting.

RIP Atlas ❤

Depression and a Cruise Ship

I went to a counselor today for the first time in a while. Talking about something and doing something are two totally different beasts.  Due to my low income, it has been challenging to find any kind of help. However, my boyfriend new someone at a near hospital who referred us to a resident clinic. For anyone struggling financially, this is an awesome option.  Basically, psychiatrists have to first work as residence at a hospital before they can go into their own practice. I got a young girl that was really awesome. She seemed extremely knowledgeable about how to diagnose and things to ask.  I told the truth, gave me some of my story, and told her I wanted my quality of life to change. Based on everything I told her, she did confirm that as of right now, she feels I am struggling with depressive disorder. She gave me something to help me sleep and also an SSNRI to help me treat it.  I’m going to start going to her and see if she can help me. I have to believe this can work because I am tired and weak from battling this. My life has been a roller coaster and I need for it to slow down.

I did something new tonight too. I went on a four course dinner cruise with my boyfriend. (He gets major amazing points because he came home early from his vacation so he could take me to counseling downtown. I love him so much for that).  This cruise was interesting. I sort of liked it.  It was a cruise for his work. I was shocked when I saw the inside of this boat because it was set up like a fancy dinner. It took me a minute to take in the fact that there was fancy china and a full bar in the inside.  I learned a few things…..

  1. People that eat in high class environments eat with WAY too many forks. I not only had a fork on both sides of  my plate but I had one above it too. I was told to start from the outside and work my way in. Why? I mean, I just need one fork. I picked up one and my boyfriend said it was the wrong one. What? Seriously? It is a fork……    Maybe it is a poor person thing but I think it is insane. It is like grabbing a handful of silverware and handing it out to each person while saying, sorry if you end up with six spoons. hahahahah…..

2. Four course meals don’t have many selections (at least not on this cruise. For instance, they TOLD us we would be having shecrab soup (I don’t eat fish) and  Salad with watermelon (umm wtf? fruit on lettuce…no). Thank goodness they let us choose our main dish. This main dish is the only reason I survived that cruise thing without chewing off my own arm from starvation. I chose the chocolate cake with coconut. Sounded good. Was fucking awful. Like they served me something that had the texture of a chocolate brick with a tiny puff of whipped cream on it. Apparently, the coconut got shot to hell several years ago….. anyway so that was interesting.

3. I get horrible dizziness when eating next to windows that are horizontal to the direction the boat is going. Due to how we were positioned, for the longest time I thought the boat was going side ways. Can a boat even drive sideways!?! who knows but this is what I thought until I realized we were going straight. The water was relaxing but for some reason the motion made me feel ick.

I will post some pictures tomorrow but did want to post this up because I am proud that I sought help today ❤

Sunflowers and a Peanut Butter Sandwhich at 1 : 30 AM

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I am as awake as this sunflower photograph I took above. It is 1:30 in the freakin morning and I want a peanut butter sandwich. So… I made one.  Yesterday, I went to church, went to the gym, and then worked for six more hours. I do not understand why I am struggling with sleep???

 sunflowerlove

So while I am downing my sandwich, I also want to vent for a minute. Have you ever felt really led to do something. Whether it be that you heard a church sermon (like me) or something motivated you? I felt led today to reach out to someone (who really was not a supportive friend during my divorce) and apologize to them for how hard it must have been being in the position they were. Let me explain, this person was a friend of mine (more of a childhood friend) but BEST FRIENDS with the girl that hooked up with my now x husband. It was very complicated. Anyway, long story short, I messaged her tonight and gave her a genuine apology for my anger towards her and opened the door for us to be friends again.  Let us just say that it pretty much got shut in my face. I was told that we could still be friends but not close friends, that it was hard to follow people when they lived so far away, that we should not be friends if it is going to cause other people stress, etc. The response was cold, short, and very un-interested. There was not even a thanks for apologizing in there. It really made me feel like I wasted my time. I guess if nothing else, I can say that I tried.

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My Canon DSLR has pretty much croaked. I made the  mistake of taking it places like the beach, dog park, kennel, etc. To get it looked at/fixed it will probably cost me near what it would cost to just get another one. I have really enjoyed it and all the pictures it took! I will definitely keep it as a reminder of the travels. Next on my list to buy is definitely a camera. These flower pictures are from my last trip on my way back to Charleston, SC from Norfolk, VA to visit Jordan and Jay.  I saw a small sunflower field thing off to the side of the road. I definitely pulled over and took several shots. I wish I had stayed longer because I do love these pictures. I continue to believe that my best pictures were taken from the side of the road 🙂

jenny

Do you ever feel like you are slowly suffocating?

I have always been open about struggling with depression. But something that I also often feel is suffocated.

EXAMPLES:

1. When our apartment is a mess, my boyfriend sees it as just that, a mess. I don’t think it bothers him too much, as he is a typical guy when it comes to cleanliness. Where as if we have dirty dishes and some things cluttering on the floor, I literally feel like I can’t  breathe.  I guess my life has been so chaotic that I NEED my environment to be clean with a passion. Anything other and I pretty much feel like I am dying.

2. School.  I work full time (aka six days a week). My one prerequisite before being able to apply for the Vet Tech program is Biology. I hate biology. I have always failed biology. (excuse how negative I sound). I already feel so burned out. And yet I now have a lab two days a week and an online class on top of working. It has not even started yet and I feel like I am suffocating.

3.  My relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I have a great relationship with a wonderful guy. There are a lot of days when I am happy. But then there are other days when my depression has me feeling down, sad, and defeated. My boyfriend always wants to fix it so he asks “what is wrong,” “did I do anything,” and never forgets to remind me that “you have been like this for the past few days.” I always have to re explain that I can’t help it, that I don’t know what is wrong, and that he is not causing it. It’s exhausting. All I want to do is rent a hotel and curl up in a bed while watching cable and forget about it all. Living with him, he would not understand this. He would freak out and probably think I was suicidal. When in all reality, I just want to escape for a day. I don’t want to talk or see anyone. I don’t want to turn on the lights or answer the phone. Instead, on days I feel like that I have to try extra hard to be someone I am not to make my relationship keep functioning. This can feel so suffocating sometime. I don’t feel like it is ever perfectly ok for me to be not ok.

4. The money I make. I love my career don’t get me wrong. I just can’t imagine being able to support myself and pay my bills off of it. I could technically get a second job if this school thing does not work out. Then I could potentially pay rent at a very sketch place. With that being said, I would only be sleeping there because the majority of the time I would be working around the clock.  It is hard to get inspired to stick through school when I know the reality is, even after school, I still will be in a similar financial situation.  It feels suffocating.

Sorry for the vent. This has been one of those days.