Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Thought I Was Not Good Enough

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Dear everyone who has ever thought I was not good enough,

Greetings. This has been a letter that I have been meaning to send. You know how that is, right? Life gets in the way and through all the things you think I am not doing,  somehow I forget to send this. Crazy right?

How is your delusional self doing? I would have called but then, you know, who has time to swallow more stress than their normal daily dose from the two jobs they are breaking their back working.

Did you know that for a long time, I felt like less of a girl because of you? Does that make you sickly smile inside?  And by “you” please know that, from my heart, I am sending this letter out to so many.  Addresses may have changed and you may never get this. But I want to at least try, because I deserve for you to hear what I have to say…..

I eat the most when I am sad. I want to eat all the time these days. Did you know that weight is pain?  From a young age, I was judged, punished, and  forced to exercise. People that I should have looked to for confidence either were not there or hated their body as well. Who knew that I would be a 28 year old adult, still struggling with my weight, hating my body most days, and  still craving any form of attention. It’s sad that childhood pain sticks with you like gum on a shoe. I’m on a road to healing and am using my insurance to go to a counseling that eventually will help unravel all you made me feel. I may not be there today, but one day I will be. I am good enough.

Why do you only see my lack of paper on the wall and not my accomplishments?  Yes, I will give you that, I do not have a Bachelors or Masters degree. I know much to your disappointment, the PhD. is not there either. Where was my supportive and safe home when I was trying to go through school? Have you ever asked me? I was going to school while living in my best friends bedroom, working a job, living off soup because I did not have parents that could help me.The one I had threw me out.  And yet, I refused to give up. I did not graduate high school but got my GED. I knew nothing about college, dreams, or scholarships but through determination & research I got my Associates Degree. And yet, all you see is what I don’t have!? Are you kidding me. You should be empowering me instead of making me feel embarrassed.  Despite your beliefs on my education or “lack there of” I am good enough.

Oh you don’t think I make enough money or work enough jobs? Honey, when did this information become any of your entitled egos business. I sat through horrifically awkward conversations and  answered overly invasive questions for you all in the name of trying to receive understanding. That was a mistake and for feeling I could trust your intentions, I apologize. People like you have continued to make me feel like I need to work 10 jobs, around the clock, and with no breaks Thanks for that delusional exhaustion you put on me. I am proud of what I do and what I make. And just as a reminder, I am good enough.

Who put you in charge of peoples bodies by the way? I thought you did not like me. Why do you want to be in charge of mine? I love art, tattoos, and anything visual. I have always been open about this with you and others. This is not a shock to my Baptist family nor do I pretend to be someone I am not at church. You do not have to agree with me. That is totally ok. But last time I checked…I am over 18…… Actually, add 10 years to 18 and we are closer to my actual age. So let’s all just calm down and do our own thing as adults. Sound good? I am not less of a person because of art on the wall or on my body. It’s art either way. Just so you don’t forget, I am good enough.

The point of this letter is not to blast you to hell. I understand that you come from a different background, have a different career, and are pretty much from a different world than I am. My goal is to help you realize the effect your words, looks, gossip, and questions have on people. Judging people before you have walked in their shoes is not fair. I’m not asking you to understand me but I am requesting that you accept me as I am. Because I am worth that. I have worked, struggled, traveled, lost, and cried too hard to be made to feel I am less. I’m going to walk this road alone before I have people next to me that make me feel like that.

It ends here this time.

I may be a people pleaser but I will no longer exert energy trying to please you. I deserve so much better.

With kindness and hope that one day you will change,

 

Jenny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Divorced

Today, my divorce was FINALLY finalized. I went to court with my x and a mutual friend of ours that had to serve as a witness. We showed up to court and found out there was STILL more paperwork that we had not filled out. Just a word to the wise, if you can find a divorce lawyer for a few hundred dollars to help you with the paperwork…. IT IS WORTH IT.

I’m exhausted, numb, and relieved.

Let me just say quickly that you see some characters when you go to the court house. I was concerned about my open toe black sandal shoes until I saw someone with flip flop looking shoes that appeared to have been bedazzled. This person also wore a bedazzled necklace with large letters. I forget what the word said but between the word necklace and flip flops, my outfit was completely appropriate for court.

There was nothing like hearing the judge grant me my name (before marriage) : Jenny Morgan.  I just looked up to the sky and said thank you. I felt such happiness at getting my identity back. It is hard to describe what that feels like to regain your name.

Something funny that happened is the judges phone rang while he was finalizing our divorce. He stopped talking and for a minute our divorce was paused. He looked down at his phone and said he thought he turned that off. haha I was laughing. It was good comedic relief. Jordan said be it fate or God, that phone rang in the courtroom for a reason. To lighten the mood. Love her.

After, I went to get a extra large cool lime refresher at Starbucks. I can justify spending $5 for an extremely overpriced drink on the day of my divorce.

From there I went to the Social Security office. Once again, there are all kinds of things going on in there. There was a girl with a mohawk, a woman on oxygen that kept sounding like she was choking, women bringing their babies and children in this room and leaving them sitting there as they went up to the little windows, a rough looking man asking for the time while calling me “sister,” etc! When my number was finally called the man inputting my info in the computer said “You didn’t waste any time getting in here did you?” As funny as that statement was, he is damn right. I have waited a year a half to get my name back.

Thankful I made it through today. So thankful. I never broke down and completely cried. I attribute that to the prayer I had before I left the house for court.  I told God what I needed and He met me there.  Between my x, our witness, and myself that I was the one that came out of court looking the happiest. It felt like weight had literally been lifted off.

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Moments I’m Selfish

Ever have those days where you feel like you just can’t do it anymore?  Those thoughts that scream it’s too expensive to eat, have fun, pay rent, buy gas, and just all around live?  I’ve been living off frozen dinners because financially (and emotionally) I’m too drained to make actual “real” food.  Lately, I have felt sorry for myself and angry at my circumstances. I want to be able to change things that I do not have the power too.

Why? Why Me? Why now? When does it stop? It’s not fair. I feel alone. Fuck my life.

No, actually, what isn’t fair is how selfish I am being.

I encourage you to check out this link:

Why This 29 Year Old Is Choosing To Die

Brittany was diagnosed with a deadly form of brain cancer.  Knowing there was no way to get around death, she chose to live each day to her fullest.  Despite stage four brain cancer, she did some amazing traveling and even made plans on a destination to reach before she was to pass away.  Brittany chose to move to Oregon, a state where it is legal to allow terminally ill people to terminate their life early.  The point being to avoid a painful death.

She has found a way to be optimistic.

I have to realize that if people can find a way to truly live in situations like that, then I can find the strength to get through my MOMENTARY problems. It’s a goal of mine to be more thankful. Starting with, I’m truly thankful for my LIFE.

A Child’s Weight Loss Story

I read about a story today on yahoo news of a 9 year old girl named Breanna who lost 66 pounds.  Click on the underlined words to read actual story. This true story  inspired me a lot because I saw myself in her. When I was her age I’m sure I was around her weight or close to it.  I LOVED that her family took action as a FAMILY.  She lost the 66 pounds by going on 4 mile walks down a nature trail with her family, doing the elliptical, getting on a swim team, and watching the amount of fat she ate in her food. I believe she said she only eats 20 g a day.  It did not sound like she did any fad diet or tried anything that was unhealthy like so many past stories I have heard of.  What also stood out to me was that she has a slow metabolism. What that means is that not only has she had to work very hard to lose 66 pounds she is always going to have to work that hard to keep it off.  Losing weight..though it may seem like the hard part…can be the easiest part in the sense that weight can jump right back on you if you are not looking. I applaud this little girl for turning the lemons of peoples criticism about her weight into lemonade by getting healthy.