I’m Divorced

Today, my divorce was FINALLY finalized. I went to court with my x and a mutual friend of ours that had to serve as a witness. We showed up to court and found out there was STILL more paperwork that we had not filled out. Just a word to the wise, if you can find a divorce lawyer for a few hundred dollars to help you with the paperwork…. IT IS WORTH IT.

I’m exhausted, numb, and relieved.

Let me just say quickly that you see some characters when you go to the court house. I was concerned about my open toe black sandal shoes until I saw someone with flip flop looking shoes that appeared to have been bedazzled. This person also wore a bedazzled necklace with large letters. I forget what the word said but between the word necklace and flip flops, my outfit was completely appropriate for court.

There was nothing like hearing the judge grant me my name (before marriage) : Jenny Morgan.  I just looked up to the sky and said thank you. I felt such happiness at getting my identity back. It is hard to describe what that feels like to regain your name.

Something funny that happened is the judges phone rang while he was finalizing our divorce. He stopped talking and for a minute our divorce was paused. He looked down at his phone and said he thought he turned that off. haha I was laughing. It was good comedic relief. Jordan said be it fate or God, that phone rang in the courtroom for a reason. To lighten the mood. Love her.

After, I went to get a extra large cool lime refresher at Starbucks. I can justify spending $5 for an extremely overpriced drink on the day of my divorce.

From there I went to the Social Security office. Once again, there are all kinds of things going on in there. There was a girl with a mohawk, a woman on oxygen that kept sounding like she was choking, women bringing their babies and children in this room and leaving them sitting there as they went up to the little windows, a rough looking man asking for the time while calling me “sister,” etc! When my number was finally called the man inputting my info in the computer said “You didn’t waste any time getting in here did you?” As funny as that statement was, he is damn right. I have waited a year a half to get my name back.

Thankful I made it through today. So thankful. I never broke down and completely cried. I attribute that to the prayer I had before I left the house for court.  I told God what I needed and He met me there.  Between my x, our witness, and myself that I was the one that came out of court looking the happiest. It felt like weight had literally been lifted off.

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What I have Survived

What I Have Survived

Due to feeling really down and depressed lately, I think I need to remind myself of some things.

From April 2014-June 2015

-I moved to Jess’s, Katt’s, Rebekah’s, and now Jeremy’s. That is FOUR moves

-I wrecked my Silverado, constantly was drowning in my leaky 1999 VW Cabrio, blew out stick shift twice in black VW Jetta, and finally acquired a beautiful 2013 Nissan Versa from my grandfather.

-I did not finish but I did go back to Charleston Southern University in the midst of this. The point with the mention of this is that when I had no printer, no clothes, hardly any shoes, few school supplies, and worked full time, I TRIED school again.

-I entered my first photography contest at the North Charleston Arts Festival. I did not win but my art hung next to other peoples great works. And honestly, that was more than enough.

-I worked full time, 4 days a week, 12 hour days. I was stuck in kennel which is where I needed to be. Going through pain like that I needed to be in the back, alone, scrubbing the shit (literally) out of dog and cat runs literally. And being able to go into the yard and hug a dog that could sense I felt like I was dying was amazing.

-I got chemically burned while at this job. My hand was on fire and I got treated for a 2nd degree burn with silver burn cream. It had to be wrapped daily and time taken off work.

– I took a really big chance. Momentarily, I took a different job thinking that it was a good decision. The environment did not work for me nor did the hours. I had been offered a shadow previously. Without knowing whether that shadow was still available, I quit current job. I know you are thinking WOW that was smart… but turned out it was worth it. The new vets office let me shadow, I got better hours, better pay, am going to start JUST working PM shifts, and I have been doing Vet Assisting which in my field (especially without a degree as a Vet Tech) is an honor.

I have to keep telling myself it IS getting better. I had a much waited for moment the other day. My Facebook status was:

There is a place you go to in your mind with bad relationships where you find only good memories/moments. I sought that place for false hope and unhealthy comfort in the past. The other day, out of habit, I tried to go there. It was as if the door had a giant lock with a sign on it saying “enough.” I felt surprisingly sad to let go of the opportunity to revisit a place that kept me sick. Yesterday was the first moment in my entire divorce where the idea of my x, memories, my old life, felt very strange and uncomfortable. I don’t miss him, the fact that we were married, what was, or what never will be. This is the first obvious sign in 1 and a half years that I am healing. 

I don’t know why it took so long to get to a place where this finally happened. It took an incredibly long time to mourn him. I remember my religion teacher saying that a divorce was like losing a body part. I feel like that is an accurate description.  At the end of the day, I think I loved him more. That kept me coming back, kept me being stupid, and kept me hung up on him while he had long since moved on.  I think God had a hand in finally helping my unhealthy thoughts and sadness to end without a doubt.

It All Feels Heavy

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Everything right now feels heavy. I went to my final divorce court hearing. It was supposed to be completely over. However, I found out my x filed the paperwork too early 😦 .  I had not yet moved out of the house before he filed for separation.  Learn from the mistake and DO NOT do that. It voids the paperwork.  You must be actually separated before you can file which means living at a different location. My good friend Jordan drove down from VA because she is amazing to go to court with me.  We had a nice judge but when she noticed the mistake she was unable to put the divorce through. So my x has to refile paperwork, I have to refill it all back out, then get it to court and get another date. NIGHTMARE.  My hair is literally turning white.

I have been really sad about the college thing not working out. I tried going to CSU last semester but had to drop out a few months until semester was over. I felt like I was having a break down. I would cry almost every day. I worked and studied and went to school.  I did not even like my major and was only doing it in hopes it was something I “could” do. I think I thought that my love for kids would come back like I used to have when I was younger. It didn’t. The teaching idea has come and gone for me.  Often I get money focused  and do things for the wrong reasons.  I ended up switching from one establishment into another vets office in West Ashley.  I work six days a week and am being trained to be a veterinary assistant. That would not have happened had CSU worked out.  The schedules would have been impossible.  I’m trying to believe things happen for a reason so that I do not feel like I am drowning completely in failure. Some days I fail though.

Trees and Sky Photography + mini update

Recently, I’ve found something very beautiful about trees. I keep wanting to photograph them! This picture above was taken outside my work on December 2014. It was sunrise and the sky was beautiful. There is something about dark trees against a lit up sky….

This is a mini update.  I got my leave approved so I will be going to Ohio for my birthday (Dec 31st!) to visit a good friend.  After working nine months and not ever seeing a four consecutive day off stretch, this is really exciting.

Right now, it looks like I am going back to college for education in January. It’s been a hard decision. I struggle between doing things I am passionate about (photography and animals) and doing a career in which I would be able to live comfortably.   I don’t even want to be rich…I just want to be able to eat more than turkey sandwiches .

The stick shift didn’t work out. I thought I got the hang of it but broke it again. 😦 So my grandfather ended up helping me get a 2013 Nissan Versa AUTOMATIC that is beautiful and good on gas.  It does not need any duct tape which is super exciting.  I can also travel in it without feeling like it’s going to fall apart or blow away at any given moment. CANNOT EXPLAIN WHAT A RELIEF AND HOW GRATEFUL I AM.

I’ve been going to the gym more after work which is good! I don’t think about my x anywhere near as much as I used too. Every once in a while something makes me sad but there are no longer days where I cry all the way home because I miss the way things were. I honestly don’t remember the way things were or what it really felt like to not want to love those times.  From where I was last December to where I am today is really amazing. I’m stronger, independent, have more self worth, have held one full time job, getting back into school, starting to date again (that’s a while different post), and am beginning to be able to balance my life better. I feel like the past several months I have been surviving. Now it’s time to actually start LIVING. 🙂

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Thank you to all who have supported me, been there through my divorce, and given advice.  ❤

I hated it so bad that I fell in love

  I’m one of those people that doesn’t do things they have no desire to do.  I’ve always been stubborn and down right hard to reason with.  Anyone that  is responsible for changing my mind should truly heroic.

Back in April 2014 I acquired a 1999 VW Cabrio.

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This old, disheveled, and completely helpless car deserves a post of it’s own. I named her “Popcorn.”  Let’s just say it once rained and I nearly drowned in Popcorn, NEXT to the beach. Realizing that this was not a good vehicle situation, my grandfather lovingly located a stick shift VW Jetta.

Ok, just hearing the words stick shift makes me go..

FUCK

Why? Well, because it’s not something I’ve ever considered trying again. I’ve tried a total of twice. Once, in New York with an X.  Him, being extremely trusting, aloud me give the whole stick shift thing a go.  Let’s just say, I literally started rolling backwards in traffic.  We stopped car and switched places ASAP. Then the second time, my soon to be x husband let me experiment in a parking lot.  He quickly realized too that I was never going to get it. Ever.

My grandfather brought my “new” (aka 2000 Jetta) down to Charleston, SC for me, I believe, August 2014.  After a few hours of practice, he said I was starting to get it.  Also, stating that he had to take his false teeth off the dashboard twice and  put them back in his mouth hahahah. He has always been hilarious.

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Up until recently, I HATED driving this car.  I have never felt so much anger and frustration at trying to get used to something.  I stalled in drive-threws, in the middle of high ways, parking lots, and really anywhere a car can stop. FUN TIMES.  I’ve realized I have insanely low self confidence.  If I don’t get something immediately I feel so defeated that I discontinue it or beat myself up over it.

A few days ago, my roommate asked me to move her AUTOMATIC car.  I get in it, and push on the break (like its a clutch) while pushing in the gas.  I’m telling you, smoke came out from under the tires.  I almost could not figure out how to drive the damn car. It was the longest and loudest re park job I have ever done in my life.  Not to mention, I parked the car going the opposite way it should have been on the street.

After this experience, I appreciated my car a great deal more.  I realized that I felt I had more control when driving my car.And I am happy to say, I no longer hate driving a stick shift. I’ve also come to the realization though I may be resistant, I am an adaptable person. I’ve gone from having a home to being homeless, from being jobless to working overtime, from being very sickly to extremely healthy, from one location to another, etc.  My confidence has gone up realizing that I can not only live but thrive in all different settings.  Though I may  very likely cry, cuss, yell, and vent in every other way shape or form along the way, it doesn’t stop my strength from pulling me through.

It’s an amazing feeling to prove your own self wrong sometimes.

Are you curious or do you actually care?

I once read that “One should be careful who they tell information too.  There is a difference between being curious and actually caring.” The older I get, the more I find this to be true. So many people at work or in every day life ask you questions just to start a conversation or gather information to pass around.   It’s exhausting, hurtful, and makes it very hard to figure out who can actually be trusted.  Determining who wants to know about our lives without having a motive is like searching for a needle in a haystack.

Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that I feel confident actually CARE. One huge representation of one is a guy from my past. When we were younger (like thirteen years younger than I am now), we dated each other long distance. We were kids but actually did truly love each other. His parents didn’t know we were together, as he lived a long ways away from me. On one of my letters, I put a lot of hearts which his parents saw and opened.  That was the end of our adolescent dating years.

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  We every once in a while would keep in touch but had years where we just parted ways and did our own thing.  I never forgot about him though, as he had a kind heart which is an extreme rarity these days.  So in 2013 when I was going through my divorce, I reached out to him.  I’d like to say that in the beginning it was because I truly missed HIM. But I was vulnerable, sad, hurting, and extremely lonely. ((Why do we girls go to that place of feeling like we are worthless??)) Anyway, he did respond and the more we talked, the more I realized I had really missed him.

This person for the past nine months has listened, advised, understood, comforted, and invited me to his home. I got to meet his sweet family and enjoy getting to know him after years and years of being apart. Many men would try to take advantage of a woman that is weak and going through a divorce. However, he was always respectful and never once did that. There was never an expectation, form of repayment, or other for his support in my life. He was just there to be my friend. And that was enough for him.

Upon hearing that I was sleeping on an air mattress, extremely sick, and paying off a bed on lay away..he offered to help.  I have NEVER accepted money from a friend. Coffee, books, thrifted furniture (YES) but money…no. It’s not that my friends would not have offered it at one point or another (and vice verso), but everyone is always poor & trying to stay alive. For a minute, my x husband had come back into my life and claimed to want to help me in some way. I told him about the bed, how I was sleeping on the floor, and so miserable.  Never once did he offer $5 to help me pay off the bed. Nor offer me dinner, dog food, clothing, or anything that would help my quality of life.  And yet here was my good friend, who didn’t have much, willing to step up and help me.  If this doesn’t let you know  a lot about someones character, I don’t know what does.

I realized which person actually cared about my situation and which person was just curious about it.

My amazing grandfather wanted to go ahead and get a jump start on me getting a bed ASAP so he went ahead and paid it off.  Despite that, my friend was willing to help pay him back for doing that for me.  Today, I received a check for $280 from my friend. The ENTIRE  amount my grandfather had put down. I never get to pay my grandfather back for anything sadly.  I just never have the extra money or ability to do it. So the fact that I can now, makes me incredibly emotional and thankful to this person.  I’ve always had a really hard time allowing anyone to help me.  I never feel secure and have always braced myself to lose everything.

So to my friend who did this for me, THANK YOU. For offering, keeping your word, going above and beyond, and showing me there is still good out there.