Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Thought I Was Not Good Enough

wildflower

Dear everyone who has ever thought I was not good enough,

Greetings. This has been a letter that I have been meaning to send. You know how that is, right? Life gets in the way and through all the things you think I am not doing,  somehow I forget to send this. Crazy right?

How is your delusional self doing? I would have called but then, you know, who has time to swallow more stress than their normal daily dose from the two jobs they are breaking their back working.

Did you know that for a long time, I felt like less of a girl because of you? Does that make you sickly smile inside?  And by “you” please know that, from my heart, I am sending this letter out to so many.  Addresses may have changed and you may never get this. But I want to at least try, because I deserve for you to hear what I have to say…..

I eat the most when I am sad. I want to eat all the time these days. Did you know that weight is pain?  From a young age, I was judged, punished, and  forced to exercise. People that I should have looked to for confidence either were not there or hated their body as well. Who knew that I would be a 28 year old adult, still struggling with my weight, hating my body most days, and  still craving any form of attention. It’s sad that childhood pain sticks with you like gum on a shoe. I’m on a road to healing and am using my insurance to go to a counseling that eventually will help unravel all you made me feel. I may not be there today, but one day I will be. I am good enough.

Why do you only see my lack of paper on the wall and not my accomplishments?  Yes, I will give you that, I do not have a Bachelors or Masters degree. I know much to your disappointment, the PhD. is not there either. Where was my supportive and safe home when I was trying to go through school? Have you ever asked me? I was going to school while living in my best friends bedroom, working a job, living off soup because I did not have parents that could help me.The one I had threw me out.  And yet, I refused to give up. I did not graduate high school but got my GED. I knew nothing about college, dreams, or scholarships but through determination & research I got my Associates Degree. And yet, all you see is what I don’t have!? Are you kidding me. You should be empowering me instead of making me feel embarrassed.  Despite your beliefs on my education or “lack there of” I am good enough.

Oh you don’t think I make enough money or work enough jobs? Honey, when did this information become any of your entitled egos business. I sat through horrifically awkward conversations and  answered overly invasive questions for you all in the name of trying to receive understanding. That was a mistake and for feeling I could trust your intentions, I apologize. People like you have continued to make me feel like I need to work 10 jobs, around the clock, and with no breaks Thanks for that delusional exhaustion you put on me. I am proud of what I do and what I make. And just as a reminder, I am good enough.

Who put you in charge of peoples bodies by the way? I thought you did not like me. Why do you want to be in charge of mine? I love art, tattoos, and anything visual. I have always been open about this with you and others. This is not a shock to my Baptist family nor do I pretend to be someone I am not at church. You do not have to agree with me. That is totally ok. But last time I checked…I am over 18…… Actually, add 10 years to 18 and we are closer to my actual age. So let’s all just calm down and do our own thing as adults. Sound good? I am not less of a person because of art on the wall or on my body. It’s art either way. Just so you don’t forget, I am good enough.

The point of this letter is not to blast you to hell. I understand that you come from a different background, have a different career, and are pretty much from a different world than I am. My goal is to help you realize the effect your words, looks, gossip, and questions have on people. Judging people before you have walked in their shoes is not fair. I’m not asking you to understand me but I am requesting that you accept me as I am. Because I am worth that. I have worked, struggled, traveled, lost, and cried too hard to be made to feel I am less. I’m going to walk this road alone before I have people next to me that make me feel like that.

It ends here this time.

I may be a people pleaser but I will no longer exert energy trying to please you. I deserve so much better.

With kindness and hope that one day you will change,

 

Jenny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes you have to write stuff down…

Hoping everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I WISH I had a camera when I had a convertible pull up next to me, top down, with a massive doll house box that took up 3/4 the car 🙂 .

 Today for me has felt very intense. I have been sick for the past few days but was worse today. Woke up at 5:30 AM to get ready for work at the kennel. Here are some things that happened today that I hope one day I can look back and laugh:

  • While trying to plug in the toaster, I unplug the scented oil thing from socket (not realizing it is on). Red wax spills out all over the wall, me, the cabinet, on the toaster, and all over the scented plug in. Thankfully, it was not that hot. Still, a FML moment
  • I make it to work (thankfully I have one other person helping me).  Several of the dogs crapped in their runs. Others ended up crapping on the floor (AFTER they had gone for a walk). Then while trying to clean a run of a dog, they hose down the dog toy bin, all the toys, and another boarding dogs gate (and sheets) with urine.
  • After getting off work, I go to a cafeteria and get take out Thanksgiving. The guy carving the turkey hardly had ANY left on his turkey. I swear that my turkey serving could fit in the palm of my hand. In all fairness, they had a line out the door. Those people will probably be getting a thanksgiving meal minus the turkey.
  • I then go home to eat and fall asleep in bed. Set the alarm to wake back up to pet sit. When I wake back up, I feel even sicker. I notice that my chest is tight. Of course I can’t find my vicks vapor rub in the house. I leave to petsit and decide I will pick up the vicks vapor rub on the way home.
  • I stop by Target and get a GREAT parking spot. Things are looking good. I then grab some Starbucks which did not take too long. I also grab a $2 reusable Christmas cup.
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  • After making my way back to the pharmacy section, I notice that a large area is sectioned off with people in red shirts guarding it. I then realize it is for the massive line of people that keeps going and going and going. Long story short, I decided that waiting 3 hours in line for a $7 thing of Vicks was a little excessive… so I left ASAP.
  • Finally went to Wallgreens and discovered the sick stash I was looking for. I devoured that entire box of Mac & Cheese tonight.
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  • While cooking the mac and cheese I realized I put on the wrong burner. I switched the pots and put it on the right burner but in the process I leaned against the hot pot. Of course I was holding a plastic trash bag so it completely stuck to the pot. Meanwhile, I opened the freezer for some ice and two large frozen pizzas and a thing of popsicles dove onto the floor. -_-
  • However, with all that being said, I now have medicine in me. I have Vicks rubbed on me. I have Sprite and OJ to drink. I ate a huge bowl of Mac & Cheese for dinner. I made it through a day of work that few probably would have shown up for if they were as sick as I am. So yeah, I am proud of myself for pushing through it. I’m super thankful for my dog, my boyfriend, my family, the ability to get thanksgiving food today despite working, and Amy today who worked her ass off with me at work to help pull us through that. She always does it while making me laugh too which is awesome. ❤
  • I’m also SO close to a new camera I can taste it… so close.

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