The Massive Road Trip

From December 30th 2014-January 2nd 2015 I got the opportunity to finally take four days off of work. So of course, I put my feet up, drank coffee, and had a movie marathon. NOT. hahah! I have been wanting to travel for a while and go see a good friend in Ohio named Sam.

Traveling up there I got to go through several different states.  Starting in SC I drove through NC, TN, KY, and OH.  It was so much fun!!! I loved TN and all the mountains that were surrounding me.  For the FIRST time I:

-Drove through a mountain tunnel (and experienced my radio shutting off in it…creepy!)

– Pulled over to the side of major high ways to take pictures

-took a selfie of me and my dog (Daisy) in front of the mountains in KY

-I turned 27! And was told I am getting old (Thanks Flor lol)

I wanted to share some of the photographs I took along the way with you!!! ❤

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Miamisburg, OH

DaisyandJennyRoadtrip2014

Daisy and I wearing matching hoodies (completely un planned!!)

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Sam and My cup from Spencers in OH!

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I turned 27!

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Sam took me to a park and just let me take pictures!!!

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That is all for now! I have a lot more to edit ! ❤ Hope everyone had a save New Years and that 2015 is amazing. Oh and my facebook status on Dec 31, 2014 for my New Years resolution was:

December 31, 2014 at 11:13pm ·

 My new years resolution is to: Love myself a great deal more. Every year I make resolutions to make myself “better.” This year, I am reversing that. My goal is to not only feel but absolutely know that I am enough. And to believe with all my that one day someone will agree with that.
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The Lemons VS. Lemonade October Vent

THE LEMONS

Lemon slices background

Recently my  clutch in my car went out, again. Meaning that in THIRTY DAYS I managed to destroy the brand new one I had just gotten. So currently it’s being fixed by a company that can never give me a straight answer as to when exactly I’m going to see my car again.  There is nothing like being car-less, dealing with horrible customer service,  and living far away from work.

Meanwhile…..

For over a week, I’ve had a stomach virus from hell.  We are talking throwing up, fever, chills, cough, etc.   Basically, I’ve felt like I was literally going to die (or wanted to anyway).  There was even a particular day when I was too weak to take off my socks.  On one of my lowest points I threw up several times in the shower. Another good one was when I had extremely violent chills. My entire body shook for what felt like forever.  My fever medication being right in front of me but I was too weak to get up and walk two steps to it. FUN TIMES. I missed almost two days of work due to this illness. You have to love it when employment wants you to work when you have something extremely contagious.

Meanwhile….

I feel like I am absolutely surround by negativity. I will not name specific people but I will say, there are those who just talk about lemons ALL the time without even the slightest attempt to make lemonade.  I’ve found I have stopped responding to people and just being silent when they talk. To a strangers eye, I’m listening.  However, what is actually occurring is me restraining from screaming.  It seems as if people hate their lives, jobs, friends, bodies, opportunities (or lack there of), location, home, schedule, financial state, ETC……….. It’s not that I don’t get it. I have those days where I wish I could die now and call it a day.  But every day? Really? It’s draining to have to listen to this type of thing constantly.

The Lemonade

Thirst Quenching Lemonade in the Summer

The car SHOULD be fixed in the next few days

My good friends have showed their loyalty with helping the through the car ordeal. K has let me borrow her car and taken me to work.  While S has taken me home and allowed me to spend the night with her so I could make it to work the next day. J came to give me a ride to rental car place.

I get paid tomorrow. For a few days, I can pretend I am not poor 🙂

I’m much better than I was & am now keeping food down.

My roommate and I cleaned out kitchen area today. Now all the boxes are in the attic and we can see the kitchen table.

The Desperation of Friendship (LONG)

adore

For all those who read my rant last night, thank you. I had a moment where I just needed to vent. An entire bag of candy corn ended up being eaten last night. I ate the other 1/4 bag after I wrote the blog!! Anyway, it was just one of those days.

I want to do a post about friendship tonight. This post may be inspired by certain events in my life but is not directed at any one person.

The definition of a “friend” varies from person to person. I do not expect everyone to agree with this post. But, I would like to share what Friendship is and is not to me.

Friendship with me is NOT About

Agreeing with me

Following my blog

Answering every phone call

Changing Yourself

Telling me what is “appropriate” to write about

Boundaries

Saying I need to be more positive

Telling me what I want to hear

Hanging out with me all the time

Sharing my interests

Copying me

Giving me money or things

Shutting Down

Having common ground

Trying to recruit 50000 other people to be our friends

 Friendship IS About

If we have a fight, you don’t turn around and let other people talk about me. In fact, you still feel incredibly compelled to defend me, even to a mutual friend.

Driving cross-country to get to the other in the event of an emergency or crisis

Sharing (stories, books, laughs)

The freedom to call or come over anytime you need too. I may not be there or answer, but it doesn’t mean you are not welcome to contact me.

Asking how your friend is and being ready to hear the truth

Listening- If I don’t want to cry around you, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means, I feel stronger when you are there.

Hugging or some form of letting a me (and vice versa) know that we mean something dear

Promises

Secrets

Communication

Compassion

Differences- Appreciating and learning from each others contrasting view points and styles

Family – If you are my friend, I would protect and defend you as if you were family. And if we both agree, I will claim you as actual family 🙂

In the past few days, I have come to the shocking realization, that I have been functioning with my friendships as if I were desperate.  The only person that I really have to blame for that is myself.  This has been a problem ever since I was little. I was never the popular girl much less the middle class girl. Let’s put it this way, if private Christian school was considered to have a class system, I was at the bottom of the totem pole. From a young age, I put on  a lot of weight. Without realizing it, I’m sure my intense stress eating (remember the candy corns from last night?) began happening.  Girls began dating and I was never asked. EVER. I remember once offering to PAY a boy to take me out. Cold hard cash. He would not do it. He was never nice to me so either I figure a shred of morality kicked in or he didn’t want to tarnish his reputation. Anyway, that type of desperation to fit in has stayed with me. I’ve killed myself trying to be thin, accepted, and loved my entire life. I set the bar high for friends today though. In all reality, I’m afraid of extreme rejection that seems to continue to follow me.

Continuing on with my realization…..

It has occurred to me that I do have people in my life that would do anything for me.  That I know, without a doubt, would be there in the event I needed them. Even if that meant driving all night to do so. But then, there have been people this year that have not been a friend to me. People that would rather fight than fix things. People that would prefer to feel I have turned on them, when in all reality, they turned on the very blueprint that our friendship was built upon.

Where the desperation comes in is when, without psychologically realizing it, I’ve wanted them to be right.  I would in all actuality  rather throw myself under the bus to save something I truly valued at one point in my life than to have it destroyed.  I’ve sent more apology emails this year to people involving fights than I have in my entire life. The word “sorry” has been handed out as if it were Christmas candy samples. And looking back, I realize that all those apologies added up to was the sacrifice of my own dignity. I am the one left holding the sign “I’m Desperate.”

I’M ALWAYS THE ONE TO STEP UP AND SAY I WAS WRONG TO TRY AND SAVE A FRIENDSHIP.

Not only am I desperate, I’m also often a liar.

And I am so incredibly tired of it

Friendship is not always equal, but it should not feel like an elephant is on one side of the scale and a snail is on the other. If your friendship feels like this, then I must say I identify with you greatly at this moment. And I am throwing this one personal fact out there. If the people who read it know who they are, well then I honestly don’t care. Because this has been one of the most hurtful facts.  My sister died a few months ago. Most PAINFUL experience of my life. Hands down. I think it was one of the Indian tribes that would rip your heart out and while it was still beating, eat it. Yeah, her dying felt something like that happening to me. I had several friends who, not once, checked on me during that time and still to this day.  Granted there were controversial issues going on at the time. But, who doesn’t stop dramatic crap to pick up the phone and go, ARE YOU OKAY? How can I be there for you right now? If my friends sibling died, EVERYTHING would be set aside. I don’t care if they had called be a stupid fat whore the day before. That love and loyalty that I had felt for years for them would zap me back to reality, and I would call them.

Two of my very close friends did not call nor really seem to care all that much

 So, I’m stating this for all to read

I, Jenny Laura Fusco, absolutely refuse to have these types of friendships anymore.

I commit to finding myself, loving myself, and being okay with being alone at times.

11.18.2013

There is no friendship in this world worth sacrificing yourself over to have. Love yourself enough to realize that if your friend loved you too, they would see you for who you are. They would work with you, not against you. They would hold your hand through the pain. And at the end of the day, regardless of what was going on, they would have your back. Stop making excuses for people just to keep them in your life. Yes, they may “stay” but what does it really help?

Friendship can be like cutting if it’s unhealthy. If you are hurting yourself, my friend, it’s time to tell the person goodbye.

What I’ve Learned This Year About Friendship

amen

NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING…..EVER

It’s so easy for me to get comfortable in a relationship if I have had it with a person for a long time.  I get together with friends, go to movies, the beach, smile, and tell secrets that only close friends are allowed to share.  I assume that everyone is happy because I myself feel happy in moments with that person.  Well, I’m here to personally say that I’ve been wrong. Just because I FEEL happy and content in a relationship, does not mean that the other person feels the same way. Whether we are referring to marriage, a relationship, or friendship it’s essential to check on the other person. Regardless of life’s stresses, I am never again going to set my friendship completely aside, assuming it’s okay, and deal with everything else revolving around it.

happy

FORGIVENESS

I’ve had to ask for forgiveness many times this year. When fighting with a friend, it gets really confusing as to whether to defend myself  or say “I’m sorry” and back down.  As a type A personality, I really like being right. When I am wrong, I try to find a way to justify things that I do. I’ve had to use that fighting part of me a lot in my life. Even over simple issues that could be resolved calmly I tend to not be able to turn that part of me off. Even when I do say I’m sorry it feels kind of lame because it’s not like I can reverse time and fix everything. I can’t stop that person from feeling effected and hurt by my actions.  The two words “I’m Sorry” are so simple and yet really the greatest thing a person can try to give to another because in all actuality, it’s all they have to give.  Whether they be given in a moment of awakening or in sincere regret over their actions. For the person that has been hurt, who  truly accepts the apology, and is willing to try it again on a better foot…..I would hope you would never forget that moment. I got to experience what that felt like recently. It doesn’t mean anything is fixed or that it even can be fixed.  It just means that you received the gift of hope to take a second shot at putting together whatever it is that got broken in the first place. On the flip side, I got to experience for the first time what it felt like to be told that I will not be forgiven now or in the future. That really sucked as it’s not a statement anyone really wants to hear. But it’s honest and it’s where that person was coming from. I have to learn to accept the fact that not everyone is going to be able to resolve or feel remorse for certain issues. It’s a personal decision that is out of my control.

forgive

SPACE

Now this is a fun topic (NOT). Okay so “space” is not something until the past few months I’ve understood AT ALL.  By nature, I’ve always taken my friendships to an almost unhealthy level. I do not have parents in my life so I have sought out a handful of friends to support me emotionally and fill voids that have been empty since childhood.  Whenever I pick up the phone I have usually been able to get ahold of one of my friends to vent about whatever was happening that week.  Willingly and kindly, they have always tried to be there. Whether that be taking me in, complimenting me, or motivating me.  I’ve craved their attention and panicked (literally) when I could not find it.  I had a friend tell me this year that they needed some space and did not want to talk about certain issues in there life.  Having never experienced feeling that way towards a friend before, my mind took that to a really personal place. Everything that went through my brain was that they were pushing me away, that they didn’t want me, that they trusted other friends but not me, what had I done, etc.  I guess just hearing the word “space” triggered something with me that felt like I was being rejected by the one person I had come to trust more than anyone. It was really the most painful and confusing feeling I’ve ever felt. So there I stayed, hidden under a rock in a depressed ball. I will skip over the middle part because that is drama filled and there is definitely no reason to revisit that one!!

hedgehog

Anyway, time goes by, and it happens to me. For the first time, I experience what it feels like to be on the other side. I all the sudden realize what my friend was dealing with.  I had a friendship misunderstanding if you will happen with one of my friends here in VA. Trying to figure out how to deal with that, I got a call that pretty much stopped my thought process for several weeks. My sister died unexpectedly and I found myself wishing she had taken me with her.  In the process of this, I had a friend who wanted to discuss our misunderstanding. I could not remotely think of doing that when I was dealing with something so painful. Long story short, the persistence and lack of understanding towards me ultimately led me to knowing our friendship needed to be ended. But not before I got a slap in the face as to what my friend above was going through.  It was not that I did not want to talk about the misunderstanding or that I didn’t care about my friend…..but that I just needed time to recover from what was happening around me. It’s a concept she didn’t understand and  until this past few weeks I didn’t even understand! I get it now…. It’s just sad I had to personally end one of my good friendships. It’s the first time I believe that I have personally made the decision to walk away from someone I really cared about.

goodbye

If someone tells you they need space, don’t automatically go to a place of “they are pushing me away, I must have done something wrong!.”  Everyone deals with issues differently. As much as we would like our friends to confide in us, the best thing we can do is back off and let them come to us when they are ready. If we pry, overwhelm them, or do not respect them…. please take it from me that you will LOSE them.  They will feel so violated by the lack of respect of privacy that they will dive into their shell and not come back out as to so much greet you (if we are referring to a turtle).

These are things that I have personally learned. I just wanted to share them with you so maybe they will be of help to someone else.

When You’re The Best Of Friends

ImageI withheld from engaging in ridiculous Facebookery, but this is too hilarious! Hey y’all it’s Jordan (http://darlingeverythingisonfire.wordpress.com/). My girl Jen came to visit this past weekend & left herself logged in on apparently EVERYTHING on my computer! So, in light of this enormous surprise, I’ve decided to take liberties with her blog just long enough to write about the weekend & of course to shamelessly plug my own page! 😉 So, this past weekend was my 25th birthday. Jen & the man came down to celebrate with me. We brunched, lunched, dinnered, took many pictures, & drank several bottles of wine! In the midst of all that fabulousness (yes, I take liberties with the English language as well), we also talked deeply about my girl’s depression & my own post-traumatic stress. I’ve been really trying to handle my issues lately & in doing so, I’ve found myself in the midst of significant changes. I’ve altered several facets of my personality, along with some important beliefs. I’m finding myself happier since making these changes, because I feel as though I’m finally being honest & coming to grips with who I am. Of course, I was a bit concerned as to how my closest friends would react. Thankfully I’m blessed to have some truly amazing people in my life. My heterolifemate KHare (http://portentsprodigy.wordpress.com/) seemed less shocked than I was at some of my revelations, but then, we are twisted sisters the pair of us. I was somewhat afraid to talk to Jen about things I was going through. She’s never given me any cause to withdraw, but having been friends for a decade now, I knew it would be hard for her to take in some of what I had to say. I told her how I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m not a Christian, but that I’m Agnostic. Growing up Baptist, feeling pressured by the weight of God’s love my entire life, this is a HUGE step for me to take. However, I feel as though I’ve always been this person. It was in me all along. I was denying it out of fear; fear of God’s wrath & worst of all, my own disappointed hopes. It is hard to admit, but I’m now happier than I’ve ever been surrounded by Christianity. Along with life altering decisions such as this, I’ve thrown out magazines I used to find interesting. I’ve tossed most of my stilettos. I’ve begun wearing makeup less often. My style has expanded to include items I never would have worn in the past. It was of course a lot for Jen to take in. However, she acted as she always has throughout our ten year friendship… kind, incredibly supportive, & caring. Words cannot express how much I appreciate this from Jen, my best girl. She doesn’t take to change easily & I know that it was hard for her, but she listened to me talk for ages & she accepted all I had to say & she said she loved me anyway & that was exactly what I needed from her. ❤

Dalton and Jenny

These are two of the closest people that I have to me in my life other than my husband (Nick) and other close friend (Kristin) not pictured.  The guy in the middle is Dalton, my brother. He is not my brother “by blood” but in every sense of the word he is.  He helped me run away when I was younger and needed to get out of my house, he held me when my fiance called off the wedding and I cried like a child, and he has continuously been kind to me ever since we met in highschool.  People do NOT need to be blood to be family. The girl on the far right is Jordan. She has been my punky tattooed best friend now for the past 10 years.  We were not friends at first site but over time we realized how much we had in common.  She has shared endless advice, her bedroom (seriously) when I had no where to go, her random dance moves, and VW race car driving with me.  When we had no money she would take me to get smoothies because she knew it was something that would lift our spirits.  I’m telling you..friends are the most important things in the world to have.  Beyond money, beyond fame, beyond anything imaginable.  If you have someone in your life that watches your back be incredibly thankful and feel RICH.  Dalton is about to go over seas. As in, in the next 24 hours. He is in the Army Reserves but has been called to active duty. In situations like this you have to trust with all your heart that everything will be fine. In 11 months he will come home.  I’m to the far left 🙂 just wanted to share of few special people with you!