I have always been open about struggling with depression. But something that I also often feel is suffocated.
1. When our apartment is a mess, my boyfriend sees it as just that, a mess. I don’t think it bothers him too much, as he is a typical guy when it comes to cleanliness. Where as if we have dirty dishes and some things cluttering on the floor, I literally feel like I can’t breathe. I guess my life has been so chaotic that I NEED my environment to be clean with a passion. Anything other and I pretty much feel like I am dying.
2. School. I work full time (aka six days a week). My one prerequisite before being able to apply for the Vet Tech program is Biology. I hate biology. I have always failed biology. (excuse how negative I sound). I already feel so burned out. And yet I now have a lab two days a week and an online class on top of working. It has not even started yet and I feel like I am suffocating.
3. My relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I have a great relationship with a wonderful guy. There are a lot of days when I am happy. But then there are other days when my depression has me feeling down, sad, and defeated. My boyfriend always wants to fix it so he asks “what is wrong,” “did I do anything,” and never forgets to remind me that “you have been like this for the past few days.” I always have to re explain that I can’t help it, that I don’t know what is wrong, and that he is not causing it. It’s exhausting. All I want to do is rent a hotel and curl up in a bed while watching cable and forget about it all. Living with him, he would not understand this. He would freak out and probably think I was suicidal. When in all reality, I just want to escape for a day. I don’t want to talk or see anyone. I don’t want to turn on the lights or answer the phone. Instead, on days I feel like that I have to try extra hard to be someone I am not to make my relationship keep functioning. This can feel so suffocating sometime. I don’t feel like it is ever perfectly ok for me to be not ok.
4. The money I make. I love my career don’t get me wrong. I just can’t imagine being able to support myself and pay my bills off of it. I could technically get a second job if this school thing does not work out. Then I could potentially pay rent at a very sketch place. With that being said, I would only be sleeping there because the majority of the time I would be working around the clock. It is hard to get inspired to stick through school when I know the reality is, even after school, I still will be in a similar financial situation. It feels suffocating.
Sorry for the vent. This has been one of those days.