The Massive Road Trip

From December 30th 2014-January 2nd 2015 I got the opportunity to finally take four days off of work. So of course, I put my feet up, drank coffee, and had a movie marathon. NOT. hahah! I have been wanting to travel for a while and go see a good friend in Ohio named Sam.

Traveling up there I got to go through several different states.  Starting in SC I drove through NC, TN, KY, and OH.  It was so much fun!!! I loved TN and all the mountains that were surrounding me.  For the FIRST time I:

-Drove through a mountain tunnel (and experienced my radio shutting off in it…creepy!)

– Pulled over to the side of major high ways to take pictures

-took a selfie of me and my dog (Daisy) in front of the mountains in KY

-I turned 27! And was told I am getting old (Thanks Flor lol)

I wanted to share some of the photographs I took along the way with you!!! ❤

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Miamisburg, OH

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Daisy and I wearing matching hoodies (completely un planned!!)

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Sam and My cup from Spencers in OH!

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I turned 27!

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Sam took me to a park and just let me take pictures!!!

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That is all for now! I have a lot more to edit ! ❤ Hope everyone had a save New Years and that 2015 is amazing. Oh and my facebook status on Dec 31, 2014 for my New Years resolution was:

December 31, 2014 at 11:13pm ·

 My new years resolution is to: Love myself a great deal more. Every year I make resolutions to make myself “better.” This year, I am reversing that. My goal is to not only feel but absolutely know that I am enough. And to believe with all my that one day someone will agree with that.

Trees and Sky Photography + mini update

Recently, I’ve found something very beautiful about trees. I keep wanting to photograph them! This picture above was taken outside my work on December 2014. It was sunrise and the sky was beautiful. There is something about dark trees against a lit up sky….

This is a mini update.  I got my leave approved so I will be going to Ohio for my birthday (Dec 31st!) to visit a good friend.  After working nine months and not ever seeing a four consecutive day off stretch, this is really exciting.

Right now, it looks like I am going back to college for education in January. It’s been a hard decision. I struggle between doing things I am passionate about (photography and animals) and doing a career in which I would be able to live comfortably.   I don’t even want to be rich…I just want to be able to eat more than turkey sandwiches .

The stick shift didn’t work out. I thought I got the hang of it but broke it again. 😦 So my grandfather ended up helping me get a 2013 Nissan Versa AUTOMATIC that is beautiful and good on gas.  It does not need any duct tape which is super exciting.  I can also travel in it without feeling like it’s going to fall apart or blow away at any given moment. CANNOT EXPLAIN WHAT A RELIEF AND HOW GRATEFUL I AM.

I’ve been going to the gym more after work which is good! I don’t think about my x anywhere near as much as I used too. Every once in a while something makes me sad but there are no longer days where I cry all the way home because I miss the way things were. I honestly don’t remember the way things were or what it really felt like to not want to love those times.  From where I was last December to where I am today is really amazing. I’m stronger, independent, have more self worth, have held one full time job, getting back into school, starting to date again (that’s a while different post), and am beginning to be able to balance my life better. I feel like the past several months I have been surviving. Now it’s time to actually start LIVING. 🙂

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Thank you to all who have supported me, been there through my divorce, and given advice.  ❤

The Lemons VS. Lemonade October Vent

THE LEMONS

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Recently my  clutch in my car went out, again. Meaning that in THIRTY DAYS I managed to destroy the brand new one I had just gotten. So currently it’s being fixed by a company that can never give me a straight answer as to when exactly I’m going to see my car again.  There is nothing like being car-less, dealing with horrible customer service,  and living far away from work.

Meanwhile…..

For over a week, I’ve had a stomach virus from hell.  We are talking throwing up, fever, chills, cough, etc.   Basically, I’ve felt like I was literally going to die (or wanted to anyway).  There was even a particular day when I was too weak to take off my socks.  On one of my lowest points I threw up several times in the shower. Another good one was when I had extremely violent chills. My entire body shook for what felt like forever.  My fever medication being right in front of me but I was too weak to get up and walk two steps to it. FUN TIMES. I missed almost two days of work due to this illness. You have to love it when employment wants you to work when you have something extremely contagious.

Meanwhile….

I feel like I am absolutely surround by negativity. I will not name specific people but I will say, there are those who just talk about lemons ALL the time without even the slightest attempt to make lemonade.  I’ve found I have stopped responding to people and just being silent when they talk. To a strangers eye, I’m listening.  However, what is actually occurring is me restraining from screaming.  It seems as if people hate their lives, jobs, friends, bodies, opportunities (or lack there of), location, home, schedule, financial state, ETC……….. It’s not that I don’t get it. I have those days where I wish I could die now and call it a day.  But every day? Really? It’s draining to have to listen to this type of thing constantly.

The Lemonade

Thirst Quenching Lemonade in the Summer

The car SHOULD be fixed in the next few days

My good friends have showed their loyalty with helping the through the car ordeal. K has let me borrow her car and taken me to work.  While S has taken me home and allowed me to spend the night with her so I could make it to work the next day. J came to give me a ride to rental car place.

I get paid tomorrow. For a few days, I can pretend I am not poor 🙂

I’m much better than I was & am now keeping food down.

My roommate and I cleaned out kitchen area today. Now all the boxes are in the attic and we can see the kitchen table.

Moments I’m Selfish

Ever have those days where you feel like you just can’t do it anymore?  Those thoughts that scream it’s too expensive to eat, have fun, pay rent, buy gas, and just all around live?  I’ve been living off frozen dinners because financially (and emotionally) I’m too drained to make actual “real” food.  Lately, I have felt sorry for myself and angry at my circumstances. I want to be able to change things that I do not have the power too.

Why? Why Me? Why now? When does it stop? It’s not fair. I feel alone. Fuck my life.

No, actually, what isn’t fair is how selfish I am being.

I encourage you to check out this link:

Why This 29 Year Old Is Choosing To Die

Brittany was diagnosed with a deadly form of brain cancer.  Knowing there was no way to get around death, she chose to live each day to her fullest.  Despite stage four brain cancer, she did some amazing traveling and even made plans on a destination to reach before she was to pass away.  Brittany chose to move to Oregon, a state where it is legal to allow terminally ill people to terminate their life early.  The point being to avoid a painful death.

She has found a way to be optimistic.

I have to realize that if people can find a way to truly live in situations like that, then I can find the strength to get through my MOMENTARY problems. It’s a goal of mine to be more thankful. Starting with, I’m truly thankful for my LIFE.

How A Chihuahua Has A Fabulous Day

I’m unsure why everyone doesn’t get married in October!! This weather is AMAZING here in Charleston, SC. I decided I could not go to the lake downtown today without my “little.”   It’s wonderfully comforting how dogs are there for us every day. I have not been there for Daisy as much as I would have liked to lately.  So today, I gave her a great day.  We went to the lake together:

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And she enjoyed the view:

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I took a few random pictures. One that I really  loved is below. It reminds me that where there is light, there is hope.

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After the lake we went to Petsmart. She got to come inside 🙂 I picked her out some little treats and one of those toys that is filled with crinkle type paper as opposed to stuffing (my dog will rip that shit out in two seconds). Here is an example of puppy pad explosion:

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  She didn’t look at all interested in Petsmart  but when we got in the car, she dove head first into her bag:

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Daisy did 5 lapse around the lake today, which is a lot for a seven pound chihuahua! She was proud and wanted to announce her accomplishment.  She is now passed out in her very over stuffed dog bed at home ❤ Love my dog.

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I hated it so bad that I fell in love

  I’m one of those people that doesn’t do things they have no desire to do.  I’ve always been stubborn and down right hard to reason with.  Anyone that  is responsible for changing my mind should truly heroic.

Back in April 2014 I acquired a 1999 VW Cabrio.

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This old, disheveled, and completely helpless car deserves a post of it’s own. I named her “Popcorn.”  Let’s just say it once rained and I nearly drowned in Popcorn, NEXT to the beach. Realizing that this was not a good vehicle situation, my grandfather lovingly located a stick shift VW Jetta.

Ok, just hearing the words stick shift makes me go..

FUCK

Why? Well, because it’s not something I’ve ever considered trying again. I’ve tried a total of twice. Once, in New York with an X.  Him, being extremely trusting, aloud me give the whole stick shift thing a go.  Let’s just say, I literally started rolling backwards in traffic.  We stopped car and switched places ASAP. Then the second time, my soon to be x husband let me experiment in a parking lot.  He quickly realized too that I was never going to get it. Ever.

My grandfather brought my “new” (aka 2000 Jetta) down to Charleston, SC for me, I believe, August 2014.  After a few hours of practice, he said I was starting to get it.  Also, stating that he had to take his false teeth off the dashboard twice and  put them back in his mouth hahahah. He has always been hilarious.

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Up until recently, I HATED driving this car.  I have never felt so much anger and frustration at trying to get used to something.  I stalled in drive-threws, in the middle of high ways, parking lots, and really anywhere a car can stop. FUN TIMES.  I’ve realized I have insanely low self confidence.  If I don’t get something immediately I feel so defeated that I discontinue it or beat myself up over it.

A few days ago, my roommate asked me to move her AUTOMATIC car.  I get in it, and push on the break (like its a clutch) while pushing in the gas.  I’m telling you, smoke came out from under the tires.  I almost could not figure out how to drive the damn car. It was the longest and loudest re park job I have ever done in my life.  Not to mention, I parked the car going the opposite way it should have been on the street.

After this experience, I appreciated my car a great deal more.  I realized that I felt I had more control when driving my car.And I am happy to say, I no longer hate driving a stick shift. I’ve also come to the realization though I may be resistant, I am an adaptable person. I’ve gone from having a home to being homeless, from being jobless to working overtime, from being very sickly to extremely healthy, from one location to another, etc.  My confidence has gone up realizing that I can not only live but thrive in all different settings.  Though I may  very likely cry, cuss, yell, and vent in every other way shape or form along the way, it doesn’t stop my strength from pulling me through.

It’s an amazing feeling to prove your own self wrong sometimes.

Silence During A Breaking Point

cant I’m coming to the realization that I never allow myself the option of admitting that I can’t handle a situation. I’m a fighter (verbally). I like to state my point and have the last word, because on some yet to be discovered planet this is “winning.” Up until recently, I didn’t realize how unhealthy this way of thinking was.  I never walk away from comments that define me wrong, challenge me, insult me, or hurt me in some way. I’ve always seen that as an open door to prove my point and show a person exactly who I am through anger.

Then it changed.

Recently, I chose to not respond to comments I disagreed with. I chose to let someone repeatedly contact me that I really wanted to stop.I let them write me a goodbye letter full of apologies and promises that they had irreparably broken. I let something end without fighting it out.

My body told me:

 I just can’t do this anymore…

I can’t hang on to a relationship that was over a long time ago…

I can’t continue selling myself this short…

I can’t handle feeling this desperate for attention…

What happened next was that:

– I recovered very shortly after from a sinus infection that i thought was going to kill me

– I stopped stuffing my face with tons and tons of food

-I purchased a membership for Planet Fitness

-I bought an ipod shuffle and loaded it with music I love

– I felt and continue to feel stronger

 Knowing your breaking point and listening to it is HUGE.  Ending a toxic unhealthy relationship, no matter how sad, is essential to ones survival. I used to think I could not make it without a certain person. Turns out, I can’t make it without myself. I need to take better care of myself emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically. That is the goal for not only 2014 but 2015 as well!