Today, my divorce was FINALLY finalized. I went to court with my x and a mutual friend of ours that had to serve as a witness. We showed up to court and found out there was STILL more paperwork that we had not filled out. Just a word to the wise, if you can find a divorce lawyer for a few hundred dollars to help you with the paperwork…. IT IS WORTH IT.
I’m exhausted, numb, and relieved.
Let me just say quickly that you see some characters when you go to the court house. I was concerned about my open toe black sandal shoes until I saw someone with flip flop looking shoes that appeared to have been bedazzled. This person also wore a bedazzled necklace with large letters. I forget what the word said but between the word necklace and flip flops, my outfit was completely appropriate for court.
There was nothing like hearing the judge grant me my name (before marriage) : Jenny Morgan. I just looked up to the sky and said thank you. I felt such happiness at getting my identity back. It is hard to describe what that feels like to regain your name.
Something funny that happened is the judges phone rang while he was finalizing our divorce. He stopped talking and for a minute our divorce was paused. He looked down at his phone and said he thought he turned that off. haha I was laughing. It was good comedic relief. Jordan said be it fate or God, that phone rang in the courtroom for a reason. To lighten the mood. Love her.
After, I went to get a extra large cool lime refresher at Starbucks. I can justify spending $5 for an extremely overpriced drink on the day of my divorce.
From there I went to the Social Security office. Once again, there are all kinds of things going on in there. There was a girl with a mohawk, a woman on oxygen that kept sounding like she was choking, women bringing their babies and children in this room and leaving them sitting there as they went up to the little windows, a rough looking man asking for the time while calling me “sister,” etc! When my number was finally called the man inputting my info in the computer said “You didn’t waste any time getting in here did you?” As funny as that statement was, he is damn right. I have waited a year a half to get my name back.
Thankful I made it through today. So thankful. I never broke down and completely cried. I attribute that to the prayer I had before I left the house for court. I told God what I needed and He met me there. Between my x, our witness, and myself that I was the one that came out of court looking the happiest. It felt like weight had literally been lifted off.
What I Have Survived
Due to feeling really down and depressed lately, I think I need to remind myself of some things.
From April 2014-June 2015
-I moved to Jess’s, Katt’s, Rebekah’s, and now Jeremy’s. That is FOUR moves
-I wrecked my Silverado, constantly was drowning in my leaky 1999 VW Cabrio, blew out stick shift twice in black VW Jetta, and finally acquired a beautiful 2013 Nissan Versa from my grandfather.
-I did not finish but I did go back to Charleston Southern University in the midst of this. The point with the mention of this is that when I had no printer, no clothes, hardly any shoes, few school supplies, and worked full time, I TRIED school again.
-I entered my first photography contest at the North Charleston Arts Festival. I did not win but my art hung next to other peoples great works. And honestly, that was more than enough.
-I worked full time, 4 days a week, 12 hour days. I was stuck in kennel which is where I needed to be. Going through pain like that I needed to be in the back, alone, scrubbing the shit (literally) out of dog and cat runs literally. And being able to go into the yard and hug a dog that could sense I felt like I was dying was amazing.
-I got chemically burned while at this job. My hand was on fire and I got treated for a 2nd degree burn with silver burn cream. It had to be wrapped daily and time taken off work.
– I took a really big chance. Momentarily, I took a different job thinking that it was a good decision. The environment did not work for me nor did the hours. I had been offered a shadow previously. Without knowing whether that shadow was still available, I quit current job. I know you are thinking WOW that was smart… but turned out it was worth it. The new vets office let me shadow, I got better hours, better pay, am going to start JUST working PM shifts, and I have been doing Vet Assisting which in my field (especially without a degree as a Vet Tech) is an honor.
I have to keep telling myself it IS getting better. I had a much waited for moment the other day. My Facebook status was:
There is a place you go to in your mind with bad relationships where you find only good memories/moments. I sought that place for false hope and unhealthy comfort in the past. The other day, out of habit, I tried to go there. It was as if the door had a giant lock with a sign on it saying “enough.” I felt surprisingly sad to let go of the opportunity to revisit a place that kept me sick. Yesterday was the first moment in my entire divorce where the idea of my x, memories, my old life, felt very strange and uncomfortable. I don’t miss him, the fact that we were married, what was, or what never will be. This is the first obvious sign in 1 and a half years that I am healing.
I don’t know why it took so long to get to a place where this finally happened. It took an incredibly long time to mourn him. I remember my religion teacher saying that a divorce was like losing a body part. I feel like that is an accurate description. At the end of the day, I think I loved him more. That kept me coming back, kept me being stupid, and kept me hung up on him while he had long since moved on. I think God had a hand in finally helping my unhealthy thoughts and sadness to end without a doubt.
Recently my clutch in my car went out, again. Meaning that in THIRTY DAYS I managed to destroy the brand new one I had just gotten. So currently it’s being fixed by a company that can never give me a straight answer as to when exactly I’m going to see my car again. There is nothing like being car-less, dealing with horrible customer service, and living far away from work.
For over a week, I’ve had a stomach virus from hell. We are talking throwing up, fever, chills, cough, etc. Basically, I’ve felt like I was literally going to die (or wanted to anyway). There was even a particular day when I was too weak to take off my socks. On one of my lowest points I threw up several times in the shower. Another good one was when I had extremely violent chills. My entire body shook for what felt like forever. My fever medication being right in front of me but I was too weak to get up and walk two steps to it. FUN TIMES. I missed almost two days of work due to this illness. You have to love it when employment wants you to work when you have something extremely contagious.
I feel like I am absolutely surround by negativity. I will not name specific people but I will say, there are those who just talk about lemons ALL the time without even the slightest attempt to make lemonade. I’ve found I have stopped responding to people and just being silent when they talk. To a strangers eye, I’m listening. However, what is actually occurring is me restraining from screaming. It seems as if people hate their lives, jobs, friends, bodies, opportunities (or lack there of), location, home, schedule, financial state, ETC……….. It’s not that I don’t get it. I have those days where I wish I could die now and call it a day. But every day? Really? It’s draining to have to listen to this type of thing constantly.
The car SHOULD be fixed in the next few days
My good friends have showed their loyalty with helping the through the car ordeal. K has let me borrow her car and taken me to work. While S has taken me home and allowed me to spend the night with her so I could make it to work the next day. J came to give me a ride to rental car place.
I get paid tomorrow. For a few days, I can pretend I am not poor 🙂
I’m much better than I was & am now keeping food down.
My roommate and I cleaned out kitchen area today. Now all the boxes are in the attic and we can see the kitchen table.
Ever have those days where you feel like you just can’t do it anymore? Those thoughts that scream it’s too expensive to eat, have fun, pay rent, buy gas, and just all around live? I’ve been living off frozen dinners because financially (and emotionally) I’m too drained to make actual “real” food. Lately, I have felt sorry for myself and angry at my circumstances. I want to be able to change things that I do not have the power too.
Why? Why Me? Why now? When does it stop? It’s not fair. I feel alone. Fuck my life.
No, actually, what isn’t fair is how selfish I am being.
I encourage you to check out this link:
Brittany was diagnosed with a deadly form of brain cancer. Knowing there was no way to get around death, she chose to live each day to her fullest. Despite stage four brain cancer, she did some amazing traveling and even made plans on a destination to reach before she was to pass away. Brittany chose to move to Oregon, a state where it is legal to allow terminally ill people to terminate their life early. The point being to avoid a painful death.
She has found a way to be optimistic.
I have to realize that if people can find a way to truly live in situations like that, then I can find the strength to get through my MOMENTARY problems. It’s a goal of mine to be more thankful. Starting with, I’m truly thankful for my LIFE.
I’m unsure why everyone doesn’t get married in October!! This weather is AMAZING here in Charleston, SC. I decided I could not go to the lake downtown today without my “little.” It’s wonderfully comforting how dogs are there for us every day. I have not been there for Daisy as much as I would have liked to lately. So today, I gave her a great day. We went to the lake together:
And she enjoyed the view:
I took a few random pictures. One that I really loved is below. It reminds me that where there is light, there is hope.
After the lake we went to Petsmart. She got to come inside 🙂 I picked her out some little treats and one of those toys that is filled with crinkle type paper as opposed to stuffing (my dog will rip that shit out in two seconds). Here is an example of puppy pad explosion:
She didn’t look at all interested in Petsmart but when we got in the car, she dove head first into her bag:
Daisy did 5 lapse around the lake today, which is a lot for a seven pound chihuahua! She was proud and wanted to announce her accomplishment. She is now passed out in her very over stuffed dog bed at home ❤ Love my dog.