Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Thought I Was Not Good Enough

wildflower

Dear everyone who has ever thought I was not good enough,

Greetings. This has been a letter that I have been meaning to send. You know how that is, right? Life gets in the way and through all the things you think I am not doing,  somehow I forget to send this. Crazy right?

How is your delusional self doing? I would have called but then, you know, who has time to swallow more stress than their normal daily dose from the two jobs they are breaking their back working.

Did you know that for a long time, I felt like less of a girl because of you? Does that make you sickly smile inside?  And by “you” please know that, from my heart, I am sending this letter out to so many.  Addresses may have changed and you may never get this. But I want to at least try, because I deserve for you to hear what I have to say…..

I eat the most when I am sad. I want to eat all the time these days. Did you know that weight is pain?  From a young age, I was judged, punished, and  forced to exercise. People that I should have looked to for confidence either were not there or hated their body as well. Who knew that I would be a 28 year old adult, still struggling with my weight, hating my body most days, and  still craving any form of attention. It’s sad that childhood pain sticks with you like gum on a shoe. I’m on a road to healing and am using my insurance to go to a counseling that eventually will help unravel all you made me feel. I may not be there today, but one day I will be. I am good enough.

Why do you only see my lack of paper on the wall and not my accomplishments?  Yes, I will give you that, I do not have a Bachelors or Masters degree. I know much to your disappointment, the PhD. is not there either. Where was my supportive and safe home when I was trying to go through school? Have you ever asked me? I was going to school while living in my best friends bedroom, working a job, living off soup because I did not have parents that could help me.The one I had threw me out.  And yet, I refused to give up. I did not graduate high school but got my GED. I knew nothing about college, dreams, or scholarships but through determination & research I got my Associates Degree. And yet, all you see is what I don’t have!? Are you kidding me. You should be empowering me instead of making me feel embarrassed.  Despite your beliefs on my education or “lack there of” I am good enough.

Oh you don’t think I make enough money or work enough jobs? Honey, when did this information become any of your entitled egos business. I sat through horrifically awkward conversations and  answered overly invasive questions for you all in the name of trying to receive understanding. That was a mistake and for feeling I could trust your intentions, I apologize. People like you have continued to make me feel like I need to work 10 jobs, around the clock, and with no breaks Thanks for that delusional exhaustion you put on me. I am proud of what I do and what I make. And just as a reminder, I am good enough.

Who put you in charge of peoples bodies by the way? I thought you did not like me. Why do you want to be in charge of mine? I love art, tattoos, and anything visual. I have always been open about this with you and others. This is not a shock to my Baptist family nor do I pretend to be someone I am not at church. You do not have to agree with me. That is totally ok. But last time I checked…I am over 18…… Actually, add 10 years to 18 and we are closer to my actual age. So let’s all just calm down and do our own thing as adults. Sound good? I am not less of a person because of art on the wall or on my body. It’s art either way. Just so you don’t forget, I am good enough.

The point of this letter is not to blast you to hell. I understand that you come from a different background, have a different career, and are pretty much from a different world than I am. My goal is to help you realize the effect your words, looks, gossip, and questions have on people. Judging people before you have walked in their shoes is not fair. I’m not asking you to understand me but I am requesting that you accept me as I am. Because I am worth that. I have worked, struggled, traveled, lost, and cried too hard to be made to feel I am less. I’m going to walk this road alone before I have people next to me that make me feel like that.

It ends here this time.

I may be a people pleaser but I will no longer exert energy trying to please you. I deserve so much better.

With kindness and hope that one day you will change,

 

Jenny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

The dark side of being a veterinary assistant

I get the question often “is your job fun?” There are few questions that make me stutter out an answer and smile than this question.

I want to first say that I take my  job extremely seriously. It’s rewarding and inspiring to see people work double shifts in the name of helping animals and each other. And nothing beats comforting an animal while knowing you are silently making a difference to them.

With that being said, I have never worked harder in my entire life. There are days I get in my car and cry all the way home. Part of being a veterinary assistant is participating in the passing of an animal.  You also witness the look of heartbreak on pet owners faces when it is time to say goodbye or the moment they learn unexpectedly that their beloved friend will not recover. As an assistant, I have to hold it together. It takes so much strength to not break down.

Today felt hard. I came home with my body aching and my heart feeling heavy. I cried on the way home and fell asleep in the early afternoon because physically and emotionally, I had nothing left. My boyfriend wanted me to go out to eat with his cousin but the thought of going anywhere and meeting with anyone, felt all too exhausting. By the way, unless your significant other is in the same career field, this job will take its toll on your relationship.

For anyone considering this career, you need to understand that this job requires above and beyond what most humans posses. You have to acknowledge on a daily basis that all you can do is your best and that at the end of the day, this has to be enough. There are so many things, decisions, moments, and ideas that you have absolutely no say in.  You must always respect your doctors, listen to your nurses, and do exactly as you are told.

Assistants are responsible for feeding and monitoring patients,  opening and closing the clinic, shift change cleaning list, they scrub/autoclave/ wrap surgical items, all used surfaces are wiped down, every cage used is disinfected, weekly cleaning list, blood work, fecals, staining, assisting in x ray and ultrasound, answering phones, going in patients rooms with doctors, restraining, helping clients to their car, recording everything being sent out (bloodwork/fecals/ other), making medical notes, invoicing, scheduling, putting events on the white board, setting up or breaking down surgery, putting away dental items, laundry, dishes, etc.  Some days you are the only assistant and you are still expected to do all of the above during your shift.

It is hard. It is so hard some days. There are days where you don’t have time to eat. Not even a snack because you are so busy.  I have definite moments where I feel extremely light headed or past physically exhausted. Since having this job I have kept an upset stomach daily.

Being a veterinary assistant is work. It takes a big heart and an extreme drive. I am honored to be able to help the patients that I do and to be there to comfort when others have to pass. ❤

I just wanted to write about some of the realities of this career. This job is not “fun” or “easy.” Days where I leave my job on time, smiling, and stress free are GREAT days. There are those days! But before going into this, make sure you understand EVERYTHING that is involved. For as rewarding as this career is, it requires a lot of sacrifice.

thelightbehind

 

I took this picture a few weeks ago of a tree outside of our apartment. The closer I got to it the more it appeared to be lit up like a Christmas tree. The edges of the branches too here lit with a thin line of white light. I have never before seen something like this. The way the sun was hitting this tree was gorgeous. I feel like God knew I needed to see something good.

Something I also thought of today is that I don’t see things the same way when I see them again. For instance, I can go back out to this tree and not see it like this photograph shows. I past by a different area that I photographed earlier today and did not get the same inspired feeling to photograph it. It is interesting how when we are feeling or longing for something, we seek out a way to turn our answers (or questions) into art. And when that moment has past or when we are at a different place, we see things differently. I just think that is cool 🙂  .