Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Thought I Was Not Good Enough

wildflower

Dear everyone who has ever thought I was not good enough,

Greetings. This has been a letter that I have been meaning to send. You know how that is, right? Life gets in the way and through all the things you think I am not doing,  somehow I forget to send this. Crazy right?

How is your delusional self doing? I would have called but then, you know, who has time to swallow more stress than their normal daily dose from the two jobs they are breaking their back working.

Did you know that for a long time, I felt like less of a girl because of you? Does that make you sickly smile inside?  And by “you” please know that, from my heart, I am sending this letter out to so many.  Addresses may have changed and you may never get this. But I want to at least try, because I deserve for you to hear what I have to say…..

I eat the most when I am sad. I want to eat all the time these days. Did you know that weight is pain?  From a young age, I was judged, punished, and  forced to exercise. People that I should have looked to for confidence either were not there or hated their body as well. Who knew that I would be a 28 year old adult, still struggling with my weight, hating my body most days, and  still craving any form of attention. It’s sad that childhood pain sticks with you like gum on a shoe. I’m on a road to healing and am using my insurance to go to a counseling that eventually will help unravel all you made me feel. I may not be there today, but one day I will be. I am good enough.

Why do you only see my lack of paper on the wall and not my accomplishments?  Yes, I will give you that, I do not have a Bachelors or Masters degree. I know much to your disappointment, the PhD. is not there either. Where was my supportive and safe home when I was trying to go through school? Have you ever asked me? I was going to school while living in my best friends bedroom, working a job, living off soup because I did not have parents that could help me.The one I had threw me out.  And yet, I refused to give up. I did not graduate high school but got my GED. I knew nothing about college, dreams, or scholarships but through determination & research I got my Associates Degree. And yet, all you see is what I don’t have!? Are you kidding me. You should be empowering me instead of making me feel embarrassed.  Despite your beliefs on my education or “lack there of” I am good enough.

Oh you don’t think I make enough money or work enough jobs? Honey, when did this information become any of your entitled egos business. I sat through horrifically awkward conversations and  answered overly invasive questions for you all in the name of trying to receive understanding. That was a mistake and for feeling I could trust your intentions, I apologize. People like you have continued to make me feel like I need to work 10 jobs, around the clock, and with no breaks Thanks for that delusional exhaustion you put on me. I am proud of what I do and what I make. And just as a reminder, I am good enough.

Who put you in charge of peoples bodies by the way? I thought you did not like me. Why do you want to be in charge of mine? I love art, tattoos, and anything visual. I have always been open about this with you and others. This is not a shock to my Baptist family nor do I pretend to be someone I am not at church. You do not have to agree with me. That is totally ok. But last time I checked…I am over 18…… Actually, add 10 years to 18 and we are closer to my actual age. So let’s all just calm down and do our own thing as adults. Sound good? I am not less of a person because of art on the wall or on my body. It’s art either way. Just so you don’t forget, I am good enough.

The point of this letter is not to blast you to hell. I understand that you come from a different background, have a different career, and are pretty much from a different world than I am. My goal is to help you realize the effect your words, looks, gossip, and questions have on people. Judging people before you have walked in their shoes is not fair. I’m not asking you to understand me but I am requesting that you accept me as I am. Because I am worth that. I have worked, struggled, traveled, lost, and cried too hard to be made to feel I am less. I’m going to walk this road alone before I have people next to me that make me feel like that.

It ends here this time.

I may be a people pleaser but I will no longer exert energy trying to please you. I deserve so much better.

With kindness and hope that one day you will change,

 

Jenny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saying Goodbye

Today, Atlas, a very loved clinic cat that belonged to all of us at my vet office was put down. Everyone working there has taken care of him in some way and just the same, Atlas has touched their lives. You could find him posted on the front counter as people came into the vet hospital or sleeping in his favorite spot under the computer. I loved caring for him and really am going to miss him so very much.

Before leaving today, the doctor called us all into the treatment area and told us it was time to say goodbye to Atlas, as he was suffering from a medical condition that has worsened. I’ve never before been in a professional setting, surrounded by people, and witnessed every single person in that room start crying. You could see the pain on everyone’s faces and literally feel the extreme sadness in the air. We were given the option to stay or go for the euthanasia. No one left. I took a picture of everyone touching him at once and some people saying goodbye. I took this picture:

atlas

I cried in the office along with everyone else, I cried in my car, and I cried when I got home. As much as I did not want to watch him go, I wanted to be there. It was an odd feeling. The room felt united with all of us there together. All of us losing him. For twenty or so minutes, we were all on the same page. .We were hurting.

RIP Atlas ❤

Do you ever feel like you are slowly suffocating?

I have always been open about struggling with depression. But something that I also often feel is suffocated.

EXAMPLES:

1. When our apartment is a mess, my boyfriend sees it as just that, a mess. I don’t think it bothers him too much, as he is a typical guy when it comes to cleanliness. Where as if we have dirty dishes and some things cluttering on the floor, I literally feel like I can’t  breathe.  I guess my life has been so chaotic that I NEED my environment to be clean with a passion. Anything other and I pretty much feel like I am dying.

2. School.  I work full time (aka six days a week). My one prerequisite before being able to apply for the Vet Tech program is Biology. I hate biology. I have always failed biology. (excuse how negative I sound). I already feel so burned out. And yet I now have a lab two days a week and an online class on top of working. It has not even started yet and I feel like I am suffocating.

3.  My relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I have a great relationship with a wonderful guy. There are a lot of days when I am happy. But then there are other days when my depression has me feeling down, sad, and defeated. My boyfriend always wants to fix it so he asks “what is wrong,” “did I do anything,” and never forgets to remind me that “you have been like this for the past few days.” I always have to re explain that I can’t help it, that I don’t know what is wrong, and that he is not causing it. It’s exhausting. All I want to do is rent a hotel and curl up in a bed while watching cable and forget about it all. Living with him, he would not understand this. He would freak out and probably think I was suicidal. When in all reality, I just want to escape for a day. I don’t want to talk or see anyone. I don’t want to turn on the lights or answer the phone. Instead, on days I feel like that I have to try extra hard to be someone I am not to make my relationship keep functioning. This can feel so suffocating sometime. I don’t feel like it is ever perfectly ok for me to be not ok.

4. The money I make. I love my career don’t get me wrong. I just can’t imagine being able to support myself and pay my bills off of it. I could technically get a second job if this school thing does not work out. Then I could potentially pay rent at a very sketch place. With that being said, I would only be sleeping there because the majority of the time I would be working around the clock.  It is hard to get inspired to stick through school when I know the reality is, even after school, I still will be in a similar financial situation.  It feels suffocating.

Sorry for the vent. This has been one of those days.

Depression and how it tries to kill us slowly- from a 27 year old girls perspective

I am having one of those nights where I feel sick. Depression is such a sickness. This feeling always passes though and things feel better again. The days come where the world is right and make sense. On those days, I forget what the bad days really feel like. I think mentally my mind numbs those thoughts out. Therefore, on days like today, I need to write so I can remember.

Work has been hell lately. I have felt stressed, negative, and panicked. I love working with animals but cannot handle it when I see mistakes are made on my team. It can be simple stuff that can entirely ruin my day. Anyway, there has been a lot of stress with that going on.

Tonight, my boyfriend explained that he felt like I should work on being more positive. I am not sure that there is anything in this world that I can’t stand more than being told on a day like this to be more positive. In every essence, he is right. In a way, I feel sorry for him. He comes home to wait on a girlfriend battling depression. Though he has never said it, I am sure he struggles with the stress from not knowing what kind of day or attitude I am going to have when I come home. I’m sure it is hard that he can’t fix it or even come close to it. More so, I can imagine that it is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love suffer.

With that being said, I feel defeated about the entire thing. Again, this is a bad day. Tomorrow, I may think this post sounds like it is being written by a dramatic little bitch. Anyway, this is just where I am right now so please meet me there. I honestly don’t think he understands the energy it takes just to work. I suck at getting up in the morning, find that all I want to do is be alone, feel down a lot, and tired all the time. The more I sleep in, the more tired I am. My bones hurt and my mind feels fucked up. On days like this, I want to curl into a ball and scream it isn’t fair. Instead, I settled for hiding in the bathroom at work and stuffing my mouth with snack size candy bars. I felt weak and beyond shot. And yet, I had not even been working six hours.

Most days, the most productive thing I do is wash the dishes and make it into work. That is it. Today, I did better and went to DMV and to college to change my name. I found out I am being awarded a grant at the tech school here in Charleston (aka free money!) to pay for books and college. I also bought a $5 desk I found at Goodwill. It is a crappy desk but it can work to get me started back in school. I told my boyfriend that I was taking 2-3 classes. I explained that 3 may be too much. He was like yeah, maybe. And for some reason that pissed me off. It is like, if I am already doubting I can do three I don’t need to be told yeah you “may” not be able to do three. Because for some reason, what I hear is “you may actually be able to do it …”  I need to take an easy course load and get back into this. I am literally going to sign up for (I think) two easy courses. I need Biology 101 but that would probably put me over the edge right now.

I want to figure out how to beat this. I can’t ever get this intense sadness to go away for long periods of time. On one hand, I don’t ever cry about or for my x husband anymore. But on the other, I still feel like death some days. I’m tired, emotional, frustrated, angry, sad, mis understood, and other negative emotions. From what I was told tonight by my boyfriend, it is happening more often. 😦

Something else that frustrated me was that he told me he can’t keep taking us out to eat. He wants me to either cook or find recipes or other. Sounds easy right? Simple things sound easy until you struggle with depression. I felt like he added fifty more pounds onto what I was carrying already. Just over fucking recipes. I told him that I often am tired and with going into work in the afternoons, I can’t really do that right now. He is like, Jenny you go in at 2 pm to work (insinuating that I have plenty of time).  I felt angry and ashamed at this fact. I wanted to scream “is it not enough for you that I am working?” One other thing was when he said something like “you know how you told me you know I don’t want to come home to negativity every day? I really don’t.” That of course makes me be tempted to say “fine, then get a perfect and crazy perky rich bitch for a girlfriend. Have fun. Enjoy your life with a mentally squeaky clean girl.”  And THAT ladies and gentlemen is depression and anger talking, not logic. In reality, he is kind and patient with me. Like everyone, he is getting tired of the side effects that come with depression. And in trying to help me recover, I feel as if he NEEDS to get rid of that part of me. I hate to say that depression defines me but at this point, I feel like if you can’t handle it then you can’t handle me.

If I have one more decision or thing that I am expected to do, I feel like I am going to lose it.

Sorry for the NEGATIVE post but I needed to vent this. And I want to remember to never take the good days for granted because for me, this is what a bad day looks like.

I’m Divorced

Today, my divorce was FINALLY finalized. I went to court with my x and a mutual friend of ours that had to serve as a witness. We showed up to court and found out there was STILL more paperwork that we had not filled out. Just a word to the wise, if you can find a divorce lawyer for a few hundred dollars to help you with the paperwork…. IT IS WORTH IT.

I’m exhausted, numb, and relieved.

Let me just say quickly that you see some characters when you go to the court house. I was concerned about my open toe black sandal shoes until I saw someone with flip flop looking shoes that appeared to have been bedazzled. This person also wore a bedazzled necklace with large letters. I forget what the word said but between the word necklace and flip flops, my outfit was completely appropriate for court.

There was nothing like hearing the judge grant me my name (before marriage) : Jenny Morgan.  I just looked up to the sky and said thank you. I felt such happiness at getting my identity back. It is hard to describe what that feels like to regain your name.

Something funny that happened is the judges phone rang while he was finalizing our divorce. He stopped talking and for a minute our divorce was paused. He looked down at his phone and said he thought he turned that off. haha I was laughing. It was good comedic relief. Jordan said be it fate or God, that phone rang in the courtroom for a reason. To lighten the mood. Love her.

After, I went to get a extra large cool lime refresher at Starbucks. I can justify spending $5 for an extremely overpriced drink on the day of my divorce.

From there I went to the Social Security office. Once again, there are all kinds of things going on in there. There was a girl with a mohawk, a woman on oxygen that kept sounding like she was choking, women bringing their babies and children in this room and leaving them sitting there as they went up to the little windows, a rough looking man asking for the time while calling me “sister,” etc! When my number was finally called the man inputting my info in the computer said “You didn’t waste any time getting in here did you?” As funny as that statement was, he is damn right. I have waited a year a half to get my name back.

Thankful I made it through today. So thankful. I never broke down and completely cried. I attribute that to the prayer I had before I left the house for court.  I told God what I needed and He met me there.  Between my x, our witness, and myself that I was the one that came out of court looking the happiest. It felt like weight had literally been lifted off.

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What I have Survived

What I Have Survived

Due to feeling really down and depressed lately, I think I need to remind myself of some things.

From April 2014-June 2015

-I moved to Jess’s, Katt’s, Rebekah’s, and now Jeremy’s. That is FOUR moves

-I wrecked my Silverado, constantly was drowning in my leaky 1999 VW Cabrio, blew out stick shift twice in black VW Jetta, and finally acquired a beautiful 2013 Nissan Versa from my grandfather.

-I did not finish but I did go back to Charleston Southern University in the midst of this. The point with the mention of this is that when I had no printer, no clothes, hardly any shoes, few school supplies, and worked full time, I TRIED school again.

-I entered my first photography contest at the North Charleston Arts Festival. I did not win but my art hung next to other peoples great works. And honestly, that was more than enough.

-I worked full time, 4 days a week, 12 hour days. I was stuck in kennel which is where I needed to be. Going through pain like that I needed to be in the back, alone, scrubbing the shit (literally) out of dog and cat runs literally. And being able to go into the yard and hug a dog that could sense I felt like I was dying was amazing.

-I got chemically burned while at this job. My hand was on fire and I got treated for a 2nd degree burn with silver burn cream. It had to be wrapped daily and time taken off work.

– I took a really big chance. Momentarily, I took a different job thinking that it was a good decision. The environment did not work for me nor did the hours. I had been offered a shadow previously. Without knowing whether that shadow was still available, I quit current job. I know you are thinking WOW that was smart… but turned out it was worth it. The new vets office let me shadow, I got better hours, better pay, am going to start JUST working PM shifts, and I have been doing Vet Assisting which in my field (especially without a degree as a Vet Tech) is an honor.

I have to keep telling myself it IS getting better. I had a much waited for moment the other day. My Facebook status was:

There is a place you go to in your mind with bad relationships where you find only good memories/moments. I sought that place for false hope and unhealthy comfort in the past. The other day, out of habit, I tried to go there. It was as if the door had a giant lock with a sign on it saying “enough.” I felt surprisingly sad to let go of the opportunity to revisit a place that kept me sick. Yesterday was the first moment in my entire divorce where the idea of my x, memories, my old life, felt very strange and uncomfortable. I don’t miss him, the fact that we were married, what was, or what never will be. This is the first obvious sign in 1 and a half years that I am healing. 

I don’t know why it took so long to get to a place where this finally happened. It took an incredibly long time to mourn him. I remember my religion teacher saying that a divorce was like losing a body part. I feel like that is an accurate description.  At the end of the day, I think I loved him more. That kept me coming back, kept me being stupid, and kept me hung up on him while he had long since moved on.  I think God had a hand in finally helping my unhealthy thoughts and sadness to end without a doubt.

It All Feels Heavy

sadjenny

Everything right now feels heavy. I went to my final divorce court hearing. It was supposed to be completely over. However, I found out my x filed the paperwork too early 😦 .  I had not yet moved out of the house before he filed for separation.  Learn from the mistake and DO NOT do that. It voids the paperwork.  You must be actually separated before you can file which means living at a different location. My good friend Jordan drove down from VA because she is amazing to go to court with me.  We had a nice judge but when she noticed the mistake she was unable to put the divorce through. So my x has to refile paperwork, I have to refill it all back out, then get it to court and get another date. NIGHTMARE.  My hair is literally turning white.

I have been really sad about the college thing not working out. I tried going to CSU last semester but had to drop out a few months until semester was over. I felt like I was having a break down. I would cry almost every day. I worked and studied and went to school.  I did not even like my major and was only doing it in hopes it was something I “could” do. I think I thought that my love for kids would come back like I used to have when I was younger. It didn’t. The teaching idea has come and gone for me.  Often I get money focused  and do things for the wrong reasons.  I ended up switching from one establishment into another vets office in West Ashley.  I work six days a week and am being trained to be a veterinary assistant. That would not have happened had CSU worked out.  The schedules would have been impossible.  I’m trying to believe things happen for a reason so that I do not feel like I am drowning completely in failure. Some days I fail though.