Sunflowers and a Peanut Butter Sandwhich at 1 : 30 AM

sunflowerlove2

I am as awake as this sunflower photograph I took above. It is 1:30 in the freakin morning and I want a peanut butter sandwich. So… I made one.  Yesterday, I went to church, went to the gym, and then worked for six more hours. I do not understand why I am struggling with sleep???

 sunflowerlove

So while I am downing my sandwich, I also want to vent for a minute. Have you ever felt really led to do something. Whether it be that you heard a church sermon (like me) or something motivated you? I felt led today to reach out to someone (who really was not a supportive friend during my divorce) and apologize to them for how hard it must have been being in the position they were. Let me explain, this person was a friend of mine (more of a childhood friend) but BEST FRIENDS with the girl that hooked up with my now x husband. It was very complicated. Anyway, long story short, I messaged her tonight and gave her a genuine apology for my anger towards her and opened the door for us to be friends again.  Let us just say that it pretty much got shut in my face. I was told that we could still be friends but not close friends, that it was hard to follow people when they lived so far away, that we should not be friends if it is going to cause other people stress, etc. The response was cold, short, and very un-interested. There was not even a thanks for apologizing in there. It really made me feel like I wasted my time. I guess if nothing else, I can say that I tried.

pinkflower2

My Canon DSLR has pretty much croaked. I made the  mistake of taking it places like the beach, dog park, kennel, etc. To get it looked at/fixed it will probably cost me near what it would cost to just get another one. I have really enjoyed it and all the pictures it took! I will definitely keep it as a reminder of the travels. Next on my list to buy is definitely a camera. These flower pictures are from my last trip on my way back to Charleston, SC from Norfolk, VA to visit Jordan and Jay.  I saw a small sunflower field thing off to the side of the road. I definitely pulled over and took several shots. I wish I had stayed longer because I do love these pictures. I continue to believe that my best pictures were taken from the side of the road 🙂

jenny

I’m Divorced

Today, my divorce was FINALLY finalized. I went to court with my x and a mutual friend of ours that had to serve as a witness. We showed up to court and found out there was STILL more paperwork that we had not filled out. Just a word to the wise, if you can find a divorce lawyer for a few hundred dollars to help you with the paperwork…. IT IS WORTH IT.

I’m exhausted, numb, and relieved.

Let me just say quickly that you see some characters when you go to the court house. I was concerned about my open toe black sandal shoes until I saw someone with flip flop looking shoes that appeared to have been bedazzled. This person also wore a bedazzled necklace with large letters. I forget what the word said but between the word necklace and flip flops, my outfit was completely appropriate for court.

There was nothing like hearing the judge grant me my name (before marriage) : Jenny Morgan.  I just looked up to the sky and said thank you. I felt such happiness at getting my identity back. It is hard to describe what that feels like to regain your name.

Something funny that happened is the judges phone rang while he was finalizing our divorce. He stopped talking and for a minute our divorce was paused. He looked down at his phone and said he thought he turned that off. haha I was laughing. It was good comedic relief. Jordan said be it fate or God, that phone rang in the courtroom for a reason. To lighten the mood. Love her.

After, I went to get a extra large cool lime refresher at Starbucks. I can justify spending $5 for an extremely overpriced drink on the day of my divorce.

From there I went to the Social Security office. Once again, there are all kinds of things going on in there. There was a girl with a mohawk, a woman on oxygen that kept sounding like she was choking, women bringing their babies and children in this room and leaving them sitting there as they went up to the little windows, a rough looking man asking for the time while calling me “sister,” etc! When my number was finally called the man inputting my info in the computer said “You didn’t waste any time getting in here did you?” As funny as that statement was, he is damn right. I have waited a year a half to get my name back.

Thankful I made it through today. So thankful. I never broke down and completely cried. I attribute that to the prayer I had before I left the house for court.  I told God what I needed and He met me there.  Between my x, our witness, and myself that I was the one that came out of court looking the happiest. It felt like weight had literally been lifted off.

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Because I just have to record this unbelievable crazyness a.k.a MY LIFE

Today, I was already bummed about having to work a half day.  I mean, really, what can you get done in a HALF DAY.  I decided to take my camera, grab some coffee, and head to church.  Unfortunately, I never made it past the coffee. My car started making a knocking noise. Earlier that day it had been making the same noise.  However, this time it got louder and then sounded like it was dying (literally).  My original thought was that I must have a flat tire.  Managed to drive the car into the first turn I saw which thankfully was a neighborhood and park it. Jumped out to examine tires only to see… NOTHING.  Popped the hood (like I know what in the world to look for….) and could tell the engine was hot. Then put the hood back down because, well, I knew I had no idea about engines.  Tried turning the car back on and although it would start and shift into gear, it would NOT move. Tried it a few more times with no results.

THANK GOD FOR A CAR PHONE CHARGER

Whenever there is an emergency, my phone is guaranteed to be dead.

I had my roommates girlfriend come pick me up.  I was parked in front of one of those houses that it seemed like people just kept coming out of.  There were about four cars in front and a pair of the most ferocious sounding pit bulls I’ve ever heard in my life. Like, they kept sounding like they were turning on each other. There was a dog warning sign  on their yard. I wanted to yell “no shit, really?”

When my ride came I of course gather up everything out of car. Because I am stressed, I panic about where my phone is (its in my hands). Which I realize when it slips out and breaks into three pieces. Thankfully, I don’t have a flimsy iphone that breaks at the drop of a hat. My battery managed to pop out though and fall underneath my un moveable car. I literally lay flat on the ground and reach with all my might for this tiny black square.  I was able to retrieve it.

Once leaving the car, I came back to the house. I had to cancel work because I could not get there. I am seriously about to be fired. So I probably need to go ahead and start a plan B, as plan A is going up in smoke. My friends have been amazing though with rides and letting me borrow their car.

I feel like I am suffocating though.

My camera,dog, and I took a walk where I photographed a lot of flowers. Here are some of the pictures below. I was happy with how a lot of them turned out.

FallRose

Hawaiinbeauty

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The Lemons VS. Lemonade October Vent

THE LEMONS

Lemon slices background

Recently my  clutch in my car went out, again. Meaning that in THIRTY DAYS I managed to destroy the brand new one I had just gotten. So currently it’s being fixed by a company that can never give me a straight answer as to when exactly I’m going to see my car again.  There is nothing like being car-less, dealing with horrible customer service,  and living far away from work.

Meanwhile…..

For over a week, I’ve had a stomach virus from hell.  We are talking throwing up, fever, chills, cough, etc.   Basically, I’ve felt like I was literally going to die (or wanted to anyway).  There was even a particular day when I was too weak to take off my socks.  On one of my lowest points I threw up several times in the shower. Another good one was when I had extremely violent chills. My entire body shook for what felt like forever.  My fever medication being right in front of me but I was too weak to get up and walk two steps to it. FUN TIMES. I missed almost two days of work due to this illness. You have to love it when employment wants you to work when you have something extremely contagious.

Meanwhile….

I feel like I am absolutely surround by negativity. I will not name specific people but I will say, there are those who just talk about lemons ALL the time without even the slightest attempt to make lemonade.  I’ve found I have stopped responding to people and just being silent when they talk. To a strangers eye, I’m listening.  However, what is actually occurring is me restraining from screaming.  It seems as if people hate their lives, jobs, friends, bodies, opportunities (or lack there of), location, home, schedule, financial state, ETC……….. It’s not that I don’t get it. I have those days where I wish I could die now and call it a day.  But every day? Really? It’s draining to have to listen to this type of thing constantly.

The Lemonade

Thirst Quenching Lemonade in the Summer

The car SHOULD be fixed in the next few days

My good friends have showed their loyalty with helping the through the car ordeal. K has let me borrow her car and taken me to work.  While S has taken me home and allowed me to spend the night with her so I could make it to work the next day. J came to give me a ride to rental car place.

I get paid tomorrow. For a few days, I can pretend I am not poor 🙂

I’m much better than I was & am now keeping food down.

My roommate and I cleaned out kitchen area today. Now all the boxes are in the attic and we can see the kitchen table.

Things That Drive Me CRAZY

This has not been the most positive of days. OK, if I am being honest, the past few days have been rough.  Work has been exhausting, drama has been draining, and I’ve just started feeling all the way around BURNED OUT.  It’s important to be positive but at the same time, it’s also just as essential to be human and feel negative emotions (hence this post).

So here is a list so I can get it out and vent…  If I am lucky, I will help someone out there feel less alone.

broke

1. I AM BROKE ALL THE TIME.  You know those books that explain how to save money or cut cost…. yeah I can’t possible decrease anything any more.  I pay one set fee for rent/electric/and water combined.  My dog eats less than 1/2 cup a day (tiny chihuahua) so cheap food. I hardly ever have money for enough food to last me till the next pay check. I’m too tired to cook. Have not gone “shopping” in more years than I can count.  I can’t figure out how to financially make it. I don’t understand how people do it, I really don’t.

drama

2.  DRAMA.  I cannot stand working with people who I know talk or say things about me or my team in the office.  I understand wanting to talk or having an opinion. But it’s really not professional to talk about anyone within a business setting.  I don’t want to know at any point what people think about me or my work ethic. All that matters to me is that I feel confident that I’m doing the best job I can do. I work full time (sometimes over time), do physical work constantly, and am always exhausted.  I don’t need high school crap on top of it…. Why can’t everyone just be professional and get along as a team? We don’t have to like each other, but functioning together would be awesome.

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3. WATCHING PEOPLE GO BACK TO THEIR X’s. I’m unsure if this is a jealousy thing or a confusing thing for me. People often come to me to advise them during their break up.  They explain how unhealthy and painful the relationship was. Then, after often only a short period, they get right back into that relationship. I can’t fault them because I’ve done the exact same thing!! I ended up marrying a man that broke off our engagement right before actually getting married.  It just looks different to be on the other side of the coin.  I struggle with the temptation to fall right back into old habits too.  I miss and will probably always love my X.  I don’t just hall off and marry someone for the hell of it. Seeing people get back with theirs make me wish I could in a way (even though I know it would not be healthy).  However, at the same time, I also feel drained from trying to be there for people and help them while seeing them revert right back to the same situation. It makes me want to scream ::DO YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION TO BEING MISERABLE?::  It’s confusing…..

datingtruth

4. DATING.  OK, this is just not going well. I tried dating one guy from church. I am sure he is a truly nice guy but after one date, I realized I had never been so uninterested in dating someone in my entire life.  I like extremely respectful men that do not expect something on the first date (no matter what kind of relationship I am looking for). I truly this other guy at first that took me on a few dates. But then he did the whole “I don’t think you are ready for this” thing which of course totally crushed me. I sobbed in his car and told him how he was wrong (he wasn’t). But of course in the moment you don’t realize it. We were just at different places.  DATING IS STRESSFUL. And bottom line is… though I hate being alone… I don’t know what I want. And until I do, I should not be with anyone.

So yeah anyway….that is my rant for tonight.  🙂

Church and Balding Men

You know those moments when you have to lay out your work out clothes to inspire yourself to work out the following day?  I had the same moment yesterday when it came to church.  Not only did I lay out my clothes but I bought a new shirt at Old Navy for church. Everything was ready.  I found myself crying on the drive to church today and sitting in the car of the church parking lot.  Looking around at all the dressed up people going in and out, I had a huge temptation to screech my tires out of their parking lot, never to look back.  It felt intimidating to go in alone. It feels hard to do anything ALONE right now.  Something in me though gave me the strength to sneak in and sit at the very last row of the church.  I was seriously ready to make a mad dash if anything went wrong. What can go wrong in church?? I guess it’s just where my mind is at right now.

A very tall balding man came and plopped himself in the chair in front of me. No offense men, but if you are more than 50 percent bald, it may be time to just go for the shaved head look. Ladies do not like to look at a circle of skin on the back of your head. Anyway, I was afraid to move over for fear he would get offended I did.  Before I could get too distressed though, my friends cousin spotted me in church and asked me to join her. Thank you Lord.

Todays sermon was on the new year.  The preacher joked that so far, everyone had attended all his services this year (this was first Sunday of month).  I’ve realized a preacher who can make me laugh is key to keeping my attention. We learned today that we must assume responsibility for our lives. It is not anyone else’s fault that we are where we are right now. We are the only people that have the power to change our situation.  He explained that the three words that could change our life  are= DO IT NOW.   That we should expect God to help us though in this process.

My favorite verse today was:

Proverbs 12:22 (GNT)  Being cheerful keeps you healthy. It is a slow death to be gloomy all the time. (I guess eeyore is screwed! haha awww poor eeyore)

Also,

Ecclesiasted 11:4 If you wait for the perfect conditions, you will never get anything done.

The above things are what I needed to hear today.

I realized it takes courage to walk into church.

I used mine today ❤

Where I am with school….

This has been the hardest semester I have ever experienced.  Though I graduated last semester with my Associate of Science in Social Sciences, I  decided to continue on and take 3 more classes towards my Bachelors. What a big mistake. I hate saying school is ever a mistake. But, sometimes it just is.

My “thought” had been that I was going into Human Services. This major correlated with my personality, as I’m extremely giving and love to help people. The course in and of itself though is heavy. It deals with poverty, homelessness, addicts, and just about every depressing scenario one can think of. I come away from the course feeling DRAINED. And it’s not just this course, it’s my other courses too.

I feel EXHAUSTED from:

Trying

Studying

Pleasing

Working

Struggling

Burn Out

Envy

Overeating

The only time I feel so happy that I could be “high” is when I take pictures.  I love photography and the  moments that it captures.

So do I abandon this idea of school that is making me miserable?

Do I look into an expensive as hell art school?

Meanwhile, while trying to figure out my future school situation, I can’t find a job. I’ve applied at what feels like everywhere. Many places that I have seen adds for “want 2 years of experience to be considered.”  Are you kidding me right now? How does anyone get experience when they are not even given a chance to be hired to gain in?

I ate icing straight out of the container last night. Along with some sour cream & onion chips.

I feel that level of stressed.