I think I am under water

sickjan2016

 

I don’t remember the last time I was this sick. It literally feels like I am underwater. My ears have pressure, my nose is irritated, my lips are chapped, I have a horrible cough, sinuses draining, eyes are running and burn…..  Not sure what is NOT wrong momentarily haha.

Thankfully, I got qualified for a more affordable insurance in December and it started in January. I have not been really sick in over a year. Jeremy even told me he was unsure if the monthly payment would be worth it. Boy, is he eating those words. The majority of the meds in the above picture were $0-$10. My two doctors appointments in the last WEEK were $20 each. I had blood work and an x ray that my insurance took care of. As miserable as I feel, I  must be truly thankful. I am not only thankful for insurance but that I live in a country where getting medicine, seeing a doctor, and being able to eat a warm meal is possible.

I do not have pneumonia which is what the doctor feared earlier today before blood test and xray. I just have really bad bronchitis. I am on an inhaler (for wheezing), Suphedrine non drowsy (congestion), Prednisone (for congestion), Benzonotate (pills for AM cough), Hydrocod (PM cough), Cefdinir (antibiotic) , and Flonase (nose spray). I’ve taken two days off of work.

If you would not mind, please say a prayer or think about me. I could use some strength. Thank you ❤

Something to make you smile… saw this on facebook….

winnie

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Trees and Sky Photography + mini update

Recently, I’ve found something very beautiful about trees. I keep wanting to photograph them! This picture above was taken outside my work on December 2014. It was sunrise and the sky was beautiful. There is something about dark trees against a lit up sky….

This is a mini update.  I got my leave approved so I will be going to Ohio for my birthday (Dec 31st!) to visit a good friend.  After working nine months and not ever seeing a four consecutive day off stretch, this is really exciting.

Right now, it looks like I am going back to college for education in January. It’s been a hard decision. I struggle between doing things I am passionate about (photography and animals) and doing a career in which I would be able to live comfortably.   I don’t even want to be rich…I just want to be able to eat more than turkey sandwiches .

The stick shift didn’t work out. I thought I got the hang of it but broke it again. 😦 So my grandfather ended up helping me get a 2013 Nissan Versa AUTOMATIC that is beautiful and good on gas.  It does not need any duct tape which is super exciting.  I can also travel in it without feeling like it’s going to fall apart or blow away at any given moment. CANNOT EXPLAIN WHAT A RELIEF AND HOW GRATEFUL I AM.

I’ve been going to the gym more after work which is good! I don’t think about my x anywhere near as much as I used too. Every once in a while something makes me sad but there are no longer days where I cry all the way home because I miss the way things were. I honestly don’t remember the way things were or what it really felt like to not want to love those times.  From where I was last December to where I am today is really amazing. I’m stronger, independent, have more self worth, have held one full time job, getting back into school, starting to date again (that’s a while different post), and am beginning to be able to balance my life better. I feel like the past several months I have been surviving. Now it’s time to actually start LIVING. 🙂

Trees

Thank you to all who have supported me, been there through my divorce, and given advice.  ❤

I can’t figure out a career (massive vent)

I know some people have wanted to be a police officer or fire fighter ever since they were little. There are many people who have “always known” what they want to go into. That is totally awesome but I want you to know that if you are one of those people, I envy the crap out of you.  I am really struggling with what to do with my life.  Every time I try out a certain career I HATE it. Here are just a FEW I’ve tried:

Retail

Daycare

Dog Grooming

CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) Work

Teaching Assistant

Notice, all of these jobs are extremely low paying.  Who knows if I would still be at one of them today if I could have made it to a manager type position and made over 10,000 bucks a year. I could not support myself off of those jobs than I could fit my entire fist in my mouth. Just saying.

So now, I am married and don’t “qualify” for my grant anymore because apparently my husband and I make too much money. hahahahahaha. I can’t afford socks. It’s rare I get a new bottle of shampoo. Getting an ice cream is a TREAT. Yet, I can’t qualify to get any assistance with college REALLY.

This leaves me to resort to the dreaded word:

LOANS

I will be graduating this summer with an Associate of Science in Social Sciences. I’ve been working years on this degree so to stop now would be insane. All I have to do is make it through the summer semester. However, what job is really going to pay me more JUST because I have an Associates of Science? I didn’t even specialize in anything because I felt the Bachelors was the way to go.

Now I am faced with many colleges contacting me, wanting money, and saying they are the best place to get a Bachelors. Application fees alone have literally maxed out my credit card.  I’ve finally been accepted into a college but I am most likely looking at 25,000 if not more to get my Bachelors.

IS THIS WORTH IT?

I don’t even feel confident in the direction I’m going in right now.

People say take time to figure out what you want your major to be. Well I’ve been thinking about it, changing my mind, and second guessing myself for the past 4 plus years.

I’m 25 now. Most people have great jobs. I can’t seem to make bird shit.

Without getting into great detail, I do not have any immediate family member to call for advice about education. I do not have anyone knowledgeable about scholarships or how they work. Colleges I ask for help seem to want to rush me in and out of their office, not realizing the extent of help I need. Then again, I guess they are not there to assist me with figuring out my life.

Has anyone been faced with these things? Anyone feel really torn about their career right now? Anyone love their career? I don’t know what I need. Motivation or a slap in the face.

If I could TRY OUT the career I wanted to go into I would feel much better. Right now I am about to major in Human Services.  I find the books interesting and can really relate to the conditions and trauma that many of the people I work with have faced. However, this may be a very bad thing. Do I want to relive certain painful parts of my life by listening to others go through similar situations. Yes, it helps them to listen and that would be nice knowing  I could help others. But could I really leave all of that heavy knowledge that people put on me at the door. I go to counseling and I really open up to my counselor. When I come out of there, I feel lighter. Like I’ve lost weight. But what I’ve really done is paid my counselor to take on the burden of my problems. Personally, I can’t imagine carrying around anymore emotional weight from anyone else. And yet I am going into Human Services?! 😦

Sorry for this massive vent. I’m just feeling all the way around frustrated and panicked. If anyone has any advice please feel free to post below ❤

Thank you in advance

I Don’t Belong

Anyone ever look around and have this overwhelming feeling that they do not belong? Whether that be in your career, in college, or just strolling through a neighborhood that looks like it came out of a snowglobe. I struggle with this issue a great deal in my life.  Each day I get up and the same thing. Go to work, go to school, be a wife, cook, feed the dogs… Yet, I feel incredibly unhappy.  Actually, there are days where I struggle with feeling anything at all. I want to be thankful that all my decisions and struggles have led me up to THIS point in life.  However, I still feel just as behind today as I was 5 years ago to an extent.  I’m still completely undecided about what I want to go into, I still bounce my account, I still struggle to get groceries, I still can’t pay for school, I’m still incredibly lost. 😦 I WANT to go to school  yet I can’t afford the books.  I WANT to go into Photography yet I’m not really great at taking pictures.  I WANT TO BE HAPPY. Why does all of this feel so insanely hard?

NO I do not have children

I’m unsure if it’s just that I am getting older or what but I get the question often “do you have kids?”  A shocked response always follows when I say no.  The other day I actually had someone ask the question twice as if to confirm that there is a married woman in her 20’s that has not reproduced.  I’m not in any way putting women down who have children in their 20’s. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions.  For me personally though, I do not want kids right now. I’ve always had a huge desire to adopt.  It pulls at my heart-strings to think of how many broken and abused children there are out there that have no one.  From the books I have read, foster care is anything but a loving home with a fireplace.  (I’m sure there are exceptions but what I am saying is that there are few and far between).  Getting off topic for a moment but a moving page turner (novel) that I read about foster care was : The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh.

Anyway, back to my point.  I grew up seeing my mother be insecure about where her money would come from next or how we were going to afford groceries.  Everything always felt stressful. I hated her for it. I hated that my dad was never there or that he never came for me ….  I wanted a moment like in My Little Princess where the father ultimately recovers & remembers who his daughter is. And just like that he takes her and her best friend off to I believe Africa it was? I need to re watch that movie.  That moment just never came for me.  I do not want to have a child whether adopted or biological that deals with a severe amount of confusion about why I cannot provide for them. I don’t want them to feel they need to be rescued. My childhood was really tough with lots of fighting, tears, and hateful words said. There has to be a way to prevent repeating the past.

I’ve put all my energy and sometimes anger into getting through college.  I continuously tell my friends that “you have to believe it can be different.”  I’m getting close to having my Associates Degree and some days I burn out from the feeling that nothing has changed.  My education has been such a long road that at times feels unending.  I do not know what I want to do, I do not know where I want to go, I do not feel I have a direction. The mind I was given is a wandering one. If only I could get over the “grass is greener syndrome” it would be helpful! Being content, happy, and financially secure are the three most important things to me.  Fingers crossed that luck will be in my favor this time around.