Sometimes you have to write stuff down…

Hoping everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I WISH I had a camera when I had a convertible pull up next to me, top down, with a massive doll house box that took up 3/4 the car 🙂 .

 Today for me has felt very intense. I have been sick for the past few days but was worse today. Woke up at 5:30 AM to get ready for work at the kennel. Here are some things that happened today that I hope one day I can look back and laugh:

  • While trying to plug in the toaster, I unplug the scented oil thing from socket (not realizing it is on). Red wax spills out all over the wall, me, the cabinet, on the toaster, and all over the scented plug in. Thankfully, it was not that hot. Still, a FML moment
  • I make it to work (thankfully I have one other person helping me).  Several of the dogs crapped in their runs. Others ended up crapping on the floor (AFTER they had gone for a walk). Then while trying to clean a run of a dog, they hose down the dog toy bin, all the toys, and another boarding dogs gate (and sheets) with urine.
  • After getting off work, I go to a cafeteria and get take out Thanksgiving. The guy carving the turkey hardly had ANY left on his turkey. I swear that my turkey serving could fit in the palm of my hand. In all fairness, they had a line out the door. Those people will probably be getting a thanksgiving meal minus the turkey.
  • I then go home to eat and fall asleep in bed. Set the alarm to wake back up to pet sit. When I wake back up, I feel even sicker. I notice that my chest is tight. Of course I can’t find my vicks vapor rub in the house. I leave to petsit and decide I will pick up the vicks vapor rub on the way home.
  • I stop by Target and get a GREAT parking spot. Things are looking good. I then grab some Starbucks which did not take too long. I also grab a $2 reusable Christmas cup.
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  • After making my way back to the pharmacy section, I notice that a large area is sectioned off with people in red shirts guarding it. I then realize it is for the massive line of people that keeps going and going and going. Long story short, I decided that waiting 3 hours in line for a $7 thing of Vicks was a little excessive… so I left ASAP.
  • Finally went to Wallgreens and discovered the sick stash I was looking for. I devoured that entire box of Mac & Cheese tonight.
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  • While cooking the mac and cheese I realized I put on the wrong burner. I switched the pots and put it on the right burner but in the process I leaned against the hot pot. Of course I was holding a plastic trash bag so it completely stuck to the pot. Meanwhile, I opened the freezer for some ice and two large frozen pizzas and a thing of popsicles dove onto the floor. -_-
  • However, with all that being said, I now have medicine in me. I have Vicks rubbed on me. I have Sprite and OJ to drink. I ate a huge bowl of Mac & Cheese for dinner. I made it through a day of work that few probably would have shown up for if they were as sick as I am. So yeah, I am proud of myself for pushing through it. I’m super thankful for my dog, my boyfriend, my family, the ability to get thanksgiving food today despite working, and Amy today who worked her ass off with me at work to help pull us through that. She always does it while making me laugh too which is awesome. ❤
  • I’m also SO close to a new camera I can taste it… so close.

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It’s hard not to feel bitter.

I know my posts are not the most positive these days.

It is just hard not to feel bitter….

I recently decided to call a sliding scale health clinic to  make an appointment to get some birth control.

For those that don’t know, a sliding scale clinic takes your pay stub and decides how much you are charged. Literally, a computer decides how much you are going to pay.

I drive way out into Johns Island, SC to find this clinic. Forrest is all around me and I am waiting for a herd of deer to spring in front of my car.

When I get there and fill out paperwork, the computer decided I qualify for  $35 appointments. I pay this and wait in a clinic full of very sick people for what feels like forever.

Finally, I am called back into a room with a small window and no magazines. Actually, unless you are interested in how to know if you have Ebola, there was NOTHING to read.

And of course I left my phone in the car.

Finally, the nurse comes in. I guess she was a nurse because there was no doctor in front of her name.  She doesn’t state she is a nurse though..

Long story short, she examines me, tells me I need a pregnancy test first, is going to send me home with an order for blood work, and orders the birth control I want. (it is chew-able because I have a hard time taking pills).

I pay another $18 for a pregnancy test.

Then, they say they sent my prescription to my pharmacy. They tell me to take two discount pharmacy cards. On the card it states that 75% of medications FDA approved are covered etc etc.

I go to Target today and bring these cards. One card takes NOTHING off of my $100 birth control. The other takes $2 dollars. $2 fucking dollars. I explain to the pharmacist that I do not have money to pay this every month. There is no way. Is there any other kind of flavored birth control that she would recommend. She says she does not know of anything. I leave the medication there feeling defeated.

I went and bought a Starbucks Chestnut Praline Latte and call it a fucking day.

The fact that full time workers cannot get health insurance, dental insurance, and vision insurance is mind blowing to me. Maybe in some cases people can get medicaid or medicare. I do not have children and work too many hours to qualify for full coverage anything. One of those offered me one appointment every two years. Wow. Thanks.

I am over today.

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Fuck Everyone Elses Grass

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You know, looking at other peoples grass just causes a shit storm. Seriously. Here are a few things that spying on other peoples grass (relationship and/or life) can cause:

-Extreme intense jealousy of others grass and all that is built upon it.

-Cheating (because your neighbors grass looks so much better than your own right now). You want to have your grass and cut someone else’s too….BAD IDEA

-Regret that  had you made different past choices,your grass could look just like theirs right now.

-Comparisons between your grass and their grass. Whose grass is longer, whose looks more healthy, more green, more breathtaking…

-Sadness and defeat that your grass could never look as good as theirs. Or that yours is not growing nearly as fast.

People, I mean this with kindness,  stay on your damn grass. Stop judging, comparing, advising, and just being damn nosy in others lives. Work on your relationships and put everything you have into them. Create and build a life that you look forward to coming home to every day. Know that absolutely no ones life is perfect. Those people that come out of their houses looking top notch and have pristine Christmas cards each year could be some of the most miserable and lonely people on the planet. Their dinner table may be silent, their house environment icy, and the sex non existent.

Also: please don’t assist others in doubting their own grass. Don’t put people’s lives down that you know or brag causing others to think they must really be missing out on literally everything. Though it may feel good to do these things in the moment, just consider that it may be sending someone else into a backward spiral.

Just saying, if you don’t love the way your life looks right now then that is okay. Work on it and built up and/or rearrange things. Despite the temptation to pull out the binoculars and pear over the hedges in the yard, please don’t. You hurt yourself and those that you love by looking at mirages.

That’s all. Goodnight

I’m Divorced

Today, my divorce was FINALLY finalized. I went to court with my x and a mutual friend of ours that had to serve as a witness. We showed up to court and found out there was STILL more paperwork that we had not filled out. Just a word to the wise, if you can find a divorce lawyer for a few hundred dollars to help you with the paperwork…. IT IS WORTH IT.

I’m exhausted, numb, and relieved.

Let me just say quickly that you see some characters when you go to the court house. I was concerned about my open toe black sandal shoes until I saw someone with flip flop looking shoes that appeared to have been bedazzled. This person also wore a bedazzled necklace with large letters. I forget what the word said but between the word necklace and flip flops, my outfit was completely appropriate for court.

There was nothing like hearing the judge grant me my name (before marriage) : Jenny Morgan.  I just looked up to the sky and said thank you. I felt such happiness at getting my identity back. It is hard to describe what that feels like to regain your name.

Something funny that happened is the judges phone rang while he was finalizing our divorce. He stopped talking and for a minute our divorce was paused. He looked down at his phone and said he thought he turned that off. haha I was laughing. It was good comedic relief. Jordan said be it fate or God, that phone rang in the courtroom for a reason. To lighten the mood. Love her.

After, I went to get a extra large cool lime refresher at Starbucks. I can justify spending $5 for an extremely overpriced drink on the day of my divorce.

From there I went to the Social Security office. Once again, there are all kinds of things going on in there. There was a girl with a mohawk, a woman on oxygen that kept sounding like she was choking, women bringing their babies and children in this room and leaving them sitting there as they went up to the little windows, a rough looking man asking for the time while calling me “sister,” etc! When my number was finally called the man inputting my info in the computer said “You didn’t waste any time getting in here did you?” As funny as that statement was, he is damn right. I have waited a year a half to get my name back.

Thankful I made it through today. So thankful. I never broke down and completely cried. I attribute that to the prayer I had before I left the house for court.  I told God what I needed and He met me there.  Between my x, our witness, and myself that I was the one that came out of court looking the happiest. It felt like weight had literally been lifted off.

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What I have Survived

What I Have Survived

Due to feeling really down and depressed lately, I think I need to remind myself of some things.

From April 2014-June 2015

-I moved to Jess’s, Katt’s, Rebekah’s, and now Jeremy’s. That is FOUR moves

-I wrecked my Silverado, constantly was drowning in my leaky 1999 VW Cabrio, blew out stick shift twice in black VW Jetta, and finally acquired a beautiful 2013 Nissan Versa from my grandfather.

-I did not finish but I did go back to Charleston Southern University in the midst of this. The point with the mention of this is that when I had no printer, no clothes, hardly any shoes, few school supplies, and worked full time, I TRIED school again.

-I entered my first photography contest at the North Charleston Arts Festival. I did not win but my art hung next to other peoples great works. And honestly, that was more than enough.

-I worked full time, 4 days a week, 12 hour days. I was stuck in kennel which is where I needed to be. Going through pain like that I needed to be in the back, alone, scrubbing the shit (literally) out of dog and cat runs literally. And being able to go into the yard and hug a dog that could sense I felt like I was dying was amazing.

-I got chemically burned while at this job. My hand was on fire and I got treated for a 2nd degree burn with silver burn cream. It had to be wrapped daily and time taken off work.

– I took a really big chance. Momentarily, I took a different job thinking that it was a good decision. The environment did not work for me nor did the hours. I had been offered a shadow previously. Without knowing whether that shadow was still available, I quit current job. I know you are thinking WOW that was smart… but turned out it was worth it. The new vets office let me shadow, I got better hours, better pay, am going to start JUST working PM shifts, and I have been doing Vet Assisting which in my field (especially without a degree as a Vet Tech) is an honor.

I have to keep telling myself it IS getting better. I had a much waited for moment the other day. My Facebook status was:

There is a place you go to in your mind with bad relationships where you find only good memories/moments. I sought that place for false hope and unhealthy comfort in the past. The other day, out of habit, I tried to go there. It was as if the door had a giant lock with a sign on it saying “enough.” I felt surprisingly sad to let go of the opportunity to revisit a place that kept me sick. Yesterday was the first moment in my entire divorce where the idea of my x, memories, my old life, felt very strange and uncomfortable. I don’t miss him, the fact that we were married, what was, or what never will be. This is the first obvious sign in 1 and a half years that I am healing. 

I don’t know why it took so long to get to a place where this finally happened. It took an incredibly long time to mourn him. I remember my religion teacher saying that a divorce was like losing a body part. I feel like that is an accurate description.  At the end of the day, I think I loved him more. That kept me coming back, kept me being stupid, and kept me hung up on him while he had long since moved on.  I think God had a hand in finally helping my unhealthy thoughts and sadness to end without a doubt.

Moments I’m Selfish

Ever have those days where you feel like you just can’t do it anymore?  Those thoughts that scream it’s too expensive to eat, have fun, pay rent, buy gas, and just all around live?  I’ve been living off frozen dinners because financially (and emotionally) I’m too drained to make actual “real” food.  Lately, I have felt sorry for myself and angry at my circumstances. I want to be able to change things that I do not have the power too.

Why? Why Me? Why now? When does it stop? It’s not fair. I feel alone. Fuck my life.

No, actually, what isn’t fair is how selfish I am being.

I encourage you to check out this link:

Why This 29 Year Old Is Choosing To Die

Brittany was diagnosed with a deadly form of brain cancer.  Knowing there was no way to get around death, she chose to live each day to her fullest.  Despite stage four brain cancer, she did some amazing traveling and even made plans on a destination to reach before she was to pass away.  Brittany chose to move to Oregon, a state where it is legal to allow terminally ill people to terminate their life early.  The point being to avoid a painful death.

She has found a way to be optimistic.

I have to realize that if people can find a way to truly live in situations like that, then I can find the strength to get through my MOMENTARY problems. It’s a goal of mine to be more thankful. Starting with, I’m truly thankful for my LIFE.

How A Chihuahua Has A Fabulous Day

I’m unsure why everyone doesn’t get married in October!! This weather is AMAZING here in Charleston, SC. I decided I could not go to the lake downtown today without my “little.”   It’s wonderfully comforting how dogs are there for us every day. I have not been there for Daisy as much as I would have liked to lately.  So today, I gave her a great day.  We went to the lake together:

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And she enjoyed the view:

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I took a few random pictures. One that I really  loved is below. It reminds me that where there is light, there is hope.

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After the lake we went to Petsmart. She got to come inside 🙂 I picked her out some little treats and one of those toys that is filled with crinkle type paper as opposed to stuffing (my dog will rip that shit out in two seconds). Here is an example of puppy pad explosion:

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  She didn’t look at all interested in Petsmart  but when we got in the car, she dove head first into her bag:

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Daisy did 5 lapse around the lake today, which is a lot for a seven pound chihuahua! She was proud and wanted to announce her accomplishment.  She is now passed out in her very over stuffed dog bed at home ❤ Love my dog.

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