This has not been the most positive of days. OK, if I am being honest, the past few days have been rough. Work has been exhausting, drama has been draining, and I’ve just started feeling all the way around BURNED OUT. It’s important to be positive but at the same time, it’s also just as essential to be human and feel negative emotions (hence this post).
So here is a list so I can get it out and vent… If I am lucky, I will help someone out there feel less alone.
1. I AM BROKE ALL THE TIME. You know those books that explain how to save money or cut cost…. yeah I can’t possible decrease anything any more. I pay one set fee for rent/electric/and water combined. My dog eats less than 1/2 cup a day (tiny chihuahua) so cheap food. I hardly ever have money for enough food to last me till the next pay check. I’m too tired to cook. Have not gone “shopping” in more years than I can count. I can’t figure out how to financially make it. I don’t understand how people do it, I really don’t.
2. DRAMA. I cannot stand working with people who I know talk or say things about me or my team in the office. I understand wanting to talk or having an opinion. But it’s really not professional to talk about anyone within a business setting. I don’t want to know at any point what people think about me or my work ethic. All that matters to me is that I feel confident that I’m doing the best job I can do. I work full time (sometimes over time), do physical work constantly, and am always exhausted. I don’t need high school crap on top of it…. Why can’t everyone just be professional and get along as a team? We don’t have to like each other, but functioning together would be awesome.
3. WATCHING PEOPLE GO BACK TO THEIR X’s. I’m unsure if this is a jealousy thing or a confusing thing for me. People often come to me to advise them during their break up. They explain how unhealthy and painful the relationship was. Then, after often only a short period, they get right back into that relationship. I can’t fault them because I’ve done the exact same thing!! I ended up marrying a man that broke off our engagement right before actually getting married. It just looks different to be on the other side of the coin. I struggle with the temptation to fall right back into old habits too. I miss and will probably always love my X. I don’t just hall off and marry someone for the hell of it. Seeing people get back with theirs make me wish I could in a way (even though I know it would not be healthy). However, at the same time, I also feel drained from trying to be there for people and help them while seeing them revert right back to the same situation. It makes me want to scream ::DO YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION TO BEING MISERABLE?:: It’s confusing…..
4. DATING. OK, this is just not going well. I tried dating one guy from church. I am sure he is a truly nice guy but after one date, I realized I had never been so uninterested in dating someone in my entire life. I like extremely respectful men that do not expect something on the first date (no matter what kind of relationship I am looking for). I truly this other guy at first that took me on a few dates. But then he did the whole “I don’t think you are ready for this” thing which of course totally crushed me. I sobbed in his car and told him how he was wrong (he wasn’t). But of course in the moment you don’t realize it. We were just at different places. DATING IS STRESSFUL. And bottom line is… though I hate being alone… I don’t know what I want. And until I do, I should not be with anyone.
So yeah anyway….that is my rant for tonight. 🙂
I once read that “One should be careful who they tell information too. There is a difference between being curious and actually caring.” The older I get, the more I find this to be true. So many people at work or in every day life ask you questions just to start a conversation or gather information to pass around. It’s exhausting, hurtful, and makes it very hard to figure out who can actually be trusted. Determining who wants to know about our lives without having a motive is like searching for a needle in a haystack.
Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that I feel confident actually CARE. One huge representation of one is a guy from my past. When we were younger (like thirteen years younger than I am now), we dated each other long distance. We were kids but actually did truly love each other. His parents didn’t know we were together, as he lived a long ways away from me. On one of my letters, I put a lot of hearts which his parents saw and opened. That was the end of our adolescent dating years.
We every once in a while would keep in touch but had years where we just parted ways and did our own thing. I never forgot about him though, as he had a kind heart which is an extreme rarity these days. So in 2013 when I was going through my divorce, I reached out to him. I’d like to say that in the beginning it was because I truly missed HIM. But I was vulnerable, sad, hurting, and extremely lonely. ((Why do we girls go to that place of feeling like we are worthless??)) Anyway, he did respond and the more we talked, the more I realized I had really missed him.
This person for the past nine months has listened, advised, understood, comforted, and invited me to his home. I got to meet his sweet family and enjoy getting to know him after years and years of being apart. Many men would try to take advantage of a woman that is weak and going through a divorce. However, he was always respectful and never once did that. There was never an expectation, form of repayment, or other for his support in my life. He was just there to be my friend. And that was enough for him.
Upon hearing that I was sleeping on an air mattress, extremely sick, and paying off a bed on lay away..he offered to help. I have NEVER accepted money from a friend. Coffee, books, thrifted furniture (YES) but money…no. It’s not that my friends would not have offered it at one point or another (and vice verso), but everyone is always poor & trying to stay alive. For a minute, my x husband had come back into my life and claimed to want to help me in some way. I told him about the bed, how I was sleeping on the floor, and so miserable. Never once did he offer $5 to help me pay off the bed. Nor offer me dinner, dog food, clothing, or anything that would help my quality of life. And yet here was my good friend, who didn’t have much, willing to step up and help me. If this doesn’t let you know a lot about someones character, I don’t know what does.
I realized which person actually cared about my situation and which person was just curious about it.
My amazing grandfather wanted to go ahead and get a jump start on me getting a bed ASAP so he went ahead and paid it off. Despite that, my friend was willing to help pay him back for doing that for me. Today, I received a check for $280 from my friend. The ENTIRE amount my grandfather had put down. I never get to pay my grandfather back for anything sadly. I just never have the extra money or ability to do it. So the fact that I can now, makes me incredibly emotional and thankful to this person. I’ve always had a really hard time allowing anyone to help me. I never feel secure and have always braced myself to lose everything.
So to my friend who did this for me, THANK YOU. For offering, keeping your word, going above and beyond, and showing me there is still good out there.
I’m reading in my Creative Thinking book this morning. I just wanted to share with you a few quotes from people who believed certain things were not possible. I laughed. I hope you will too. Never give up on something. Allow criticism to empower you as opposed to defeat you. Clearly, anything is possible.
“What use could the company make of an electrical toy?”- Western Unions rejection of the telephone in 1878
“The [atom] bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives.”-Vannevar Bush, presidential adviser, 1945
“You ain’t goin’ nowhere, son. You ought to go back to driving a truck.”- Denny, Grand Ole Opry manager, firing Elvis Presley after one performance, 1954
“The actual building of roads devoted to motor cars is not for the near future in spite of many rumors to that effect.”- 1902 article in Harper’s Weekly
“Space travel is utter bilge.”- British astronomer Dr. R. Woolsey, 1958
“So many centuries after the Creation, it is unlikely that anyone could find hitherto unknown lands of any value.”- the advisory committee to King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain, before Columbus’s voyage in 1492
Among the really difficult problems of the world, [the Arab-Israeli conflict is] one of the simplest and most manageable.” – Walter Lippman, newspaper columnist, 1948
Quotes were found in Creative Thinking by John Chaffee. Tenth Edition