Sunflowers and a Peanut Butter Sandwhich at 1 : 30 AM

sunflowerlove2

I am as awake as this sunflower photograph I took above. It is 1:30 in the freakin morning and I want a peanut butter sandwich. So… I made one.  Yesterday, I went to church, went to the gym, and then worked for six more hours. I do not understand why I am struggling with sleep???

 sunflowerlove

So while I am downing my sandwich, I also want to vent for a minute. Have you ever felt really led to do something. Whether it be that you heard a church sermon (like me) or something motivated you? I felt led today to reach out to someone (who really was not a supportive friend during my divorce) and apologize to them for how hard it must have been being in the position they were. Let me explain, this person was a friend of mine (more of a childhood friend) but BEST FRIENDS with the girl that hooked up with my now x husband. It was very complicated. Anyway, long story short, I messaged her tonight and gave her a genuine apology for my anger towards her and opened the door for us to be friends again.  Let us just say that it pretty much got shut in my face. I was told that we could still be friends but not close friends, that it was hard to follow people when they lived so far away, that we should not be friends if it is going to cause other people stress, etc. The response was cold, short, and very un-interested. There was not even a thanks for apologizing in there. It really made me feel like I wasted my time. I guess if nothing else, I can say that I tried.

pinkflower2

My Canon DSLR has pretty much croaked. I made the  mistake of taking it places like the beach, dog park, kennel, etc. To get it looked at/fixed it will probably cost me near what it would cost to just get another one. I have really enjoyed it and all the pictures it took! I will definitely keep it as a reminder of the travels. Next on my list to buy is definitely a camera. These flower pictures are from my last trip on my way back to Charleston, SC from Norfolk, VA to visit Jordan and Jay.  I saw a small sunflower field thing off to the side of the road. I definitely pulled over and took several shots. I wish I had stayed longer because I do love these pictures. I continue to believe that my best pictures were taken from the side of the road 🙂

jenny

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Do you ever feel like you are slowly suffocating?

I have always been open about struggling with depression. But something that I also often feel is suffocated.

EXAMPLES:

1. When our apartment is a mess, my boyfriend sees it as just that, a mess. I don’t think it bothers him too much, as he is a typical guy when it comes to cleanliness. Where as if we have dirty dishes and some things cluttering on the floor, I literally feel like I can’t  breathe.  I guess my life has been so chaotic that I NEED my environment to be clean with a passion. Anything other and I pretty much feel like I am dying.

2. School.  I work full time (aka six days a week). My one prerequisite before being able to apply for the Vet Tech program is Biology. I hate biology. I have always failed biology. (excuse how negative I sound). I already feel so burned out. And yet I now have a lab two days a week and an online class on top of working. It has not even started yet and I feel like I am suffocating.

3.  My relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I have a great relationship with a wonderful guy. There are a lot of days when I am happy. But then there are other days when my depression has me feeling down, sad, and defeated. My boyfriend always wants to fix it so he asks “what is wrong,” “did I do anything,” and never forgets to remind me that “you have been like this for the past few days.” I always have to re explain that I can’t help it, that I don’t know what is wrong, and that he is not causing it. It’s exhausting. All I want to do is rent a hotel and curl up in a bed while watching cable and forget about it all. Living with him, he would not understand this. He would freak out and probably think I was suicidal. When in all reality, I just want to escape for a day. I don’t want to talk or see anyone. I don’t want to turn on the lights or answer the phone. Instead, on days I feel like that I have to try extra hard to be someone I am not to make my relationship keep functioning. This can feel so suffocating sometime. I don’t feel like it is ever perfectly ok for me to be not ok.

4. The money I make. I love my career don’t get me wrong. I just can’t imagine being able to support myself and pay my bills off of it. I could technically get a second job if this school thing does not work out. Then I could potentially pay rent at a very sketch place. With that being said, I would only be sleeping there because the majority of the time I would be working around the clock.  It is hard to get inspired to stick through school when I know the reality is, even after school, I still will be in a similar financial situation.  It feels suffocating.

Sorry for the vent. This has been one of those days.

Because I just have to record this unbelievable crazyness a.k.a MY LIFE

Today, I was already bummed about having to work a half day.  I mean, really, what can you get done in a HALF DAY.  I decided to take my camera, grab some coffee, and head to church.  Unfortunately, I never made it past the coffee. My car started making a knocking noise. Earlier that day it had been making the same noise.  However, this time it got louder and then sounded like it was dying (literally).  My original thought was that I must have a flat tire.  Managed to drive the car into the first turn I saw which thankfully was a neighborhood and park it. Jumped out to examine tires only to see… NOTHING.  Popped the hood (like I know what in the world to look for….) and could tell the engine was hot. Then put the hood back down because, well, I knew I had no idea about engines.  Tried turning the car back on and although it would start and shift into gear, it would NOT move. Tried it a few more times with no results.

THANK GOD FOR A CAR PHONE CHARGER

Whenever there is an emergency, my phone is guaranteed to be dead.

I had my roommates girlfriend come pick me up.  I was parked in front of one of those houses that it seemed like people just kept coming out of.  There were about four cars in front and a pair of the most ferocious sounding pit bulls I’ve ever heard in my life. Like, they kept sounding like they were turning on each other. There was a dog warning sign  on their yard. I wanted to yell “no shit, really?”

When my ride came I of course gather up everything out of car. Because I am stressed, I panic about where my phone is (its in my hands). Which I realize when it slips out and breaks into three pieces. Thankfully, I don’t have a flimsy iphone that breaks at the drop of a hat. My battery managed to pop out though and fall underneath my un moveable car. I literally lay flat on the ground and reach with all my might for this tiny black square.  I was able to retrieve it.

Once leaving the car, I came back to the house. I had to cancel work because I could not get there. I am seriously about to be fired. So I probably need to go ahead and start a plan B, as plan A is going up in smoke. My friends have been amazing though with rides and letting me borrow their car.

I feel like I am suffocating though.

My camera,dog, and I took a walk where I photographed a lot of flowers. Here are some of the pictures below. I was happy with how a lot of them turned out.

FallRose

Hawaiinbeauty

beautifullypink

pinksky

The Lemons VS. Lemonade October Vent

THE LEMONS

Lemon slices background

Recently my  clutch in my car went out, again. Meaning that in THIRTY DAYS I managed to destroy the brand new one I had just gotten. So currently it’s being fixed by a company that can never give me a straight answer as to when exactly I’m going to see my car again.  There is nothing like being car-less, dealing with horrible customer service,  and living far away from work.

Meanwhile…..

For over a week, I’ve had a stomach virus from hell.  We are talking throwing up, fever, chills, cough, etc.   Basically, I’ve felt like I was literally going to die (or wanted to anyway).  There was even a particular day when I was too weak to take off my socks.  On one of my lowest points I threw up several times in the shower. Another good one was when I had extremely violent chills. My entire body shook for what felt like forever.  My fever medication being right in front of me but I was too weak to get up and walk two steps to it. FUN TIMES. I missed almost two days of work due to this illness. You have to love it when employment wants you to work when you have something extremely contagious.

Meanwhile….

I feel like I am absolutely surround by negativity. I will not name specific people but I will say, there are those who just talk about lemons ALL the time without even the slightest attempt to make lemonade.  I’ve found I have stopped responding to people and just being silent when they talk. To a strangers eye, I’m listening.  However, what is actually occurring is me restraining from screaming.  It seems as if people hate their lives, jobs, friends, bodies, opportunities (or lack there of), location, home, schedule, financial state, ETC……….. It’s not that I don’t get it. I have those days where I wish I could die now and call it a day.  But every day? Really? It’s draining to have to listen to this type of thing constantly.

The Lemonade

Thirst Quenching Lemonade in the Summer

The car SHOULD be fixed in the next few days

My good friends have showed their loyalty with helping the through the car ordeal. K has let me borrow her car and taken me to work.  While S has taken me home and allowed me to spend the night with her so I could make it to work the next day. J came to give me a ride to rental car place.

I get paid tomorrow. For a few days, I can pretend I am not poor 🙂

I’m much better than I was & am now keeping food down.

My roommate and I cleaned out kitchen area today. Now all the boxes are in the attic and we can see the kitchen table.

Things That Drive Me CRAZY

This has not been the most positive of days. OK, if I am being honest, the past few days have been rough.  Work has been exhausting, drama has been draining, and I’ve just started feeling all the way around BURNED OUT.  It’s important to be positive but at the same time, it’s also just as essential to be human and feel negative emotions (hence this post).

So here is a list so I can get it out and vent…  If I am lucky, I will help someone out there feel less alone.

broke

1. I AM BROKE ALL THE TIME.  You know those books that explain how to save money or cut cost…. yeah I can’t possible decrease anything any more.  I pay one set fee for rent/electric/and water combined.  My dog eats less than 1/2 cup a day (tiny chihuahua) so cheap food. I hardly ever have money for enough food to last me till the next pay check. I’m too tired to cook. Have not gone “shopping” in more years than I can count.  I can’t figure out how to financially make it. I don’t understand how people do it, I really don’t.

drama

2.  DRAMA.  I cannot stand working with people who I know talk or say things about me or my team in the office.  I understand wanting to talk or having an opinion. But it’s really not professional to talk about anyone within a business setting.  I don’t want to know at any point what people think about me or my work ethic. All that matters to me is that I feel confident that I’m doing the best job I can do. I work full time (sometimes over time), do physical work constantly, and am always exhausted.  I don’t need high school crap on top of it…. Why can’t everyone just be professional and get along as a team? We don’t have to like each other, but functioning together would be awesome.

divorce

3. WATCHING PEOPLE GO BACK TO THEIR X’s. I’m unsure if this is a jealousy thing or a confusing thing for me. People often come to me to advise them during their break up.  They explain how unhealthy and painful the relationship was. Then, after often only a short period, they get right back into that relationship. I can’t fault them because I’ve done the exact same thing!! I ended up marrying a man that broke off our engagement right before actually getting married.  It just looks different to be on the other side of the coin.  I struggle with the temptation to fall right back into old habits too.  I miss and will probably always love my X.  I don’t just hall off and marry someone for the hell of it. Seeing people get back with theirs make me wish I could in a way (even though I know it would not be healthy).  However, at the same time, I also feel drained from trying to be there for people and help them while seeing them revert right back to the same situation. It makes me want to scream ::DO YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION TO BEING MISERABLE?::  It’s confusing…..

datingtruth

4. DATING.  OK, this is just not going well. I tried dating one guy from church. I am sure he is a truly nice guy but after one date, I realized I had never been so uninterested in dating someone in my entire life.  I like extremely respectful men that do not expect something on the first date (no matter what kind of relationship I am looking for). I truly this other guy at first that took me on a few dates. But then he did the whole “I don’t think you are ready for this” thing which of course totally crushed me. I sobbed in his car and told him how he was wrong (he wasn’t). But of course in the moment you don’t realize it. We were just at different places.  DATING IS STRESSFUL. And bottom line is… though I hate being alone… I don’t know what I want. And until I do, I should not be with anyone.

So yeah anyway….that is my rant for tonight.  🙂

Where I am with school….

This has been the hardest semester I have ever experienced.  Though I graduated last semester with my Associate of Science in Social Sciences, I  decided to continue on and take 3 more classes towards my Bachelors. What a big mistake. I hate saying school is ever a mistake. But, sometimes it just is.

My “thought” had been that I was going into Human Services. This major correlated with my personality, as I’m extremely giving and love to help people. The course in and of itself though is heavy. It deals with poverty, homelessness, addicts, and just about every depressing scenario one can think of. I come away from the course feeling DRAINED. And it’s not just this course, it’s my other courses too.

I feel EXHAUSTED from:

Trying

Studying

Pleasing

Working

Struggling

Burn Out

Envy

Overeating

The only time I feel so happy that I could be “high” is when I take pictures.  I love photography and the  moments that it captures.

So do I abandon this idea of school that is making me miserable?

Do I look into an expensive as hell art school?

Meanwhile, while trying to figure out my future school situation, I can’t find a job. I’ve applied at what feels like everywhere. Many places that I have seen adds for “want 2 years of experience to be considered.”  Are you kidding me right now? How does anyone get experience when they are not even given a chance to be hired to gain in?

I ate icing straight out of the container last night. Along with some sour cream & onion chips.

I feel that level of stressed.

 

Massive Vent: To Remind you that I’m a real person!

So this is one of those blogs that reminds you that I’m a real person. This week has been CRAP. Like I can’t even tell you. I’ve been having friend issues. I previously posted a blog about it with the persons name in there (which I regret I used her name). Sometimes we just vent without thinking kwim? and then look back  realizing we could have handled that a lot more maturely. I have days where I’m just like “fuck it” and I post about whatever it is that is going through my mind.  My best friend of 10 years and I have apparently gone in completely different directions. It has been so painful for me that it has felt like a breakup.  I have mouthed off like a child over these past few weeks of this happening. Don’t people sometimes do this though when they are losing something they love? It doesn’t make it right. I was not right for a lot of things I said to my friend as our friendship was dissolving.   So anyway, without going into further detail I’ve been dealing with the loss of that person.  If you know her name then please don’t state it openly.

I read an email about her deciding that she didn’t want to be friends anymore ultimately yesterday.   This was a huge mistake as I was about to go to work babysitting for a new client.  Never do anything stressful when you are about to drive.  I get to my clients neighborhood and cannot find the right house. Realizing I went to the wrong address, I back up in someone’s driveway to turn around and upon pulling out of their driveway I slam into the back of another car. I’m not even kidding. We were both pulling out/reversing at the exact same time.  FML.   So I check and make sure they are ok. They look like they want to kill me. I get it because they had kids in the car. I told them how sorry I was and went for my phone finding it completely dead. I have no way to call my client. I exchange insurance information with the people I hit. The wife then looks at me and says ok so we are clear what happened here. (inferring I was taking total responsibility). Thank you Lord for suppressing my people pleasing tendencies in that moment. I did not respond to her. She then decided she wanted to call the police to take an actual report. Long story short. They came out. Did an “accident report.”  And feel that we were both coming out at the same time when we hit each other. I filed with my insurance as they did with theirs. Apparently we have two different stories as to where our vehicles were when we first made impact. They are stating they were up in their driveway completely…. right.  uggghhhhhh  Fingers crossed this will be ruled a no at fault (aka we were both at fault) accident. I totally lost my babysitting client though in the midst of this because I could only message her later that day when I got home and plugged my phone in. She was nice about it but I get the feeling I’m never going to hear from her again.

Just been a completely craptastic week.  Had to email about how bad it was.

Oh and let me throw one more thing out there that may come across as controversial.  What people are willing to pay for childcare these days is

BLOWING MY MIND

I look on craigslist and people want to pay (literally) change per hour to watch their children. I understand having a reduced rate if you have a daycare with several children. I give props for any daycare provider that can afford and is able to do that.  ❤ :::applause:::  But, babysitting or being a nanny is different. You are working one on one with ONE clients children. I will say (myself) since I do this. I drive to peoples houses AND back home to my house which takes gas (often a lot depending on where people live).  I interact, play, read, do crafts, keep children on schedule, prepare meals, monitor, change children, etc while I’m at a clients residence.  I’m willing to stay until whatever time the parent chooses to get home. I am seriously not kidding when I say this…People want to pay under $5 an hour in my area for this type of care.  I saw an add on craigslist.com the other day stating that a woman needs help on both weekend days and can pay $10 total. She has two children. WHAT??? The person doing this would come out negative. With gas to and from BOTH days it would equal like -$5 once the babysitter  gets done with everything IF the person lived close. Please think about this before hiring a childcare provider. Even if you can’t afford to pay her much hourly consider what you could offer her. For instance, my job tonight got one of my “discounted” rates. I do not go that low anymore because I realized I cannot afford it at all. However, she offered to give me a Scentsy oil warmer for free that she had.  This made me feel a lot more appreciated!

Just saying……..

Oh I had to go back and add just one more thing to this since God knows I’m on a roll (literally)! I cannot stand when people do this. I was at a friends party today.  I was asked what I did. I said “childcare.” The woman I kid you not says I’m unsure where that is located. I’m like I am a babysitter…she looks shocked, unimpressed, and is like OH.  WTF? I then proceed to tell her I am going to college, will be graduating this summer, and then going right into a Human Services Degree.  She is all “Oh wow good for you. I’m unsure if you know this but just be prepared that profession hardly makes any money.” REALLY? I felt that was super inappropriate on several levels to tell me that. It’s like telling someone who says “I work at Walmart.”  “oh you must be super poor.”  My friend piped up when she said that and is like well she will be making more than she does not babysitting!! And the lady I kid you not goes “well not that much more!”  She seemed like a nice enough lady but Jesus….. THINK PEOPLE…. If you would not want someone to say something like that to you then for goodness sakes don’t respond to others in this way.  Everything I liked about her literally washed down a invisible waterfall right in front of me after those statements.  Anyone who makes you feel embarrassed about who you are as a person really needs to review their people skills.

Ok I’m done. If you read all that you are a true devout follower lol!!!