Tonight, my husband had a very intense conversation about where our relationship was. I swear, the one major obstacle that couples face is figuring out how to communicate. When people communicate through screaming or disappearing into the computer/video games, NOTHING is accomplished. (Take it from my house)
I’ve realized through having an actual calm discussion with my husband that there are several things that have been effecting him a great deal about my behavior. One being, that I have never forgiven him for calling off our engagement a few years ago.
I have extreme abandonment issues. It’s as if I choose to either cling to people for dear life or push them completely away. Neither of which, I might add, is healthy in the least. A few years ago, my now husband and I were engaged. I was planning our wedding and feeling as safe as one possibly could in their relationship. Unfortunately, he decided last minute that he was not prepared to get married and called it off. I ultimately gave back my ring, quit my full time job, and moved out of state to live in my friends bedroom.
Long story short, after months of being apart I ended up moving back in with my x fiancé. He admitted to realizing he made a mistake and wanted to pursue our relationship. We did and instead of having a wedding like the ones in the pictures I had been collecting, we got married by the justice of the peace. I was too embarrassed to have a wedding after he had called it off. Over all, I was just too broken and craving security again.
I have no regrets about us getting married. My husband is a good man and like all of us, changed his mind. He just happened to change it about one of the most important days of a girls life.
It’s been almost two years, and I am ashamed to admit that I haven’t forgiven him.
Nor have I ever felt as secure as I once did.
He brought up to me tonight how he has more than made up for that mistake but that no matter what he does, I always seem to be angry that happened. Going on to tell me that I am not the girl he fell in love with and that he wants that girl back. I wish I could call up my former self and see if she could drop by for a visit….
Lately, I’ve also been dealing with some serious depression issues too involving work, money, career, death, etc. And I have been taking it out (verbally) on him. When I get frustrated, I get to angry and sometimes go off in a full out hiss fit. The picture below is me when I am experiencing anger and PMS all at the same time.
I also have acquired a habit of hanging up on him when I get really upset, want to be right, or just prefer to have the last word. (((turns red in extreme embarrassment at the immaturity of this)))
All of these little things have been truly weighing on him. Why am I posting these details online? Because I want to admit publically that I am ashamed at how I have been acting towards him. He is not perfect, but it’s not his fault that I am struggling with how to deal with life in a healthy way. There are many instances where I have gotten really upset and instead of defending myself, he has chosen to cower down and just take it.
Ladies and gentlemen, NO ONE deserves to have to take mistreatment. If you think you are doing your significant other a favor by keeping quiet and shutting down, you are not. When communication ends be prepared to enter through the gates of an inner hell.
My husband and I talked everything out tonight. There is a lot we both admitted to that we were wrong about. We both agree though that we love each other and have no regrets about marrying one another. I believe now he is clear that I would much prefer him stop telling me I need to work at a grocery store when I complain that there are no jobs available. And I could not be any more aware of certain things he is tired of.
Tonight, I realized that there is just a lot of work that needs to be put into our relationship to heal it.
It’s going to take both of us.
And it’s time for me to forgive him
Do You Suppose She's A Wildflower? 