Are you curious or do you actually care?

I once read that “One should be careful who they tell information too.  There is a difference between being curious and actually caring.” The older I get, the more I find this to be true. So many people at work or in every day life ask you questions just to start a conversation or gather information to pass around.   It’s exhausting, hurtful, and makes it very hard to figure out who can actually be trusted.  Determining who wants to know about our lives without having a motive is like searching for a needle in a haystack.

Thankfully, I have a handful of friends that I feel confident actually CARE. One huge representation of one is a guy from my past. When we were younger (like thirteen years younger than I am now), we dated each other long distance. We were kids but actually did truly love each other. His parents didn’t know we were together, as he lived a long ways away from me. On one of my letters, I put a lot of hearts which his parents saw and opened.  That was the end of our adolescent dating years.


  We every once in a while would keep in touch but had years where we just parted ways and did our own thing.  I never forgot about him though, as he had a kind heart which is an extreme rarity these days.  So in 2013 when I was going through my divorce, I reached out to him.  I’d like to say that in the beginning it was because I truly missed HIM. But I was vulnerable, sad, hurting, and extremely lonely. ((Why do we girls go to that place of feeling like we are worthless??)) Anyway, he did respond and the more we talked, the more I realized I had really missed him.

This person for the past nine months has listened, advised, understood, comforted, and invited me to his home. I got to meet his sweet family and enjoy getting to know him after years and years of being apart. Many men would try to take advantage of a woman that is weak and going through a divorce. However, he was always respectful and never once did that. There was never an expectation, form of repayment, or other for his support in my life. He was just there to be my friend. And that was enough for him.

Upon hearing that I was sleeping on an air mattress, extremely sick, and paying off a bed on lay away..he offered to help.  I have NEVER accepted money from a friend. Coffee, books, thrifted furniture (YES) but money…no. It’s not that my friends would not have offered it at one point or another (and vice verso), but everyone is always poor & trying to stay alive. For a minute, my x husband had come back into my life and claimed to want to help me in some way. I told him about the bed, how I was sleeping on the floor, and so miserable.  Never once did he offer $5 to help me pay off the bed. Nor offer me dinner, dog food, clothing, or anything that would help my quality of life.  And yet here was my good friend, who didn’t have much, willing to step up and help me.  If this doesn’t let you know  a lot about someones character, I don’t know what does.

I realized which person actually cared about my situation and which person was just curious about it.

My amazing grandfather wanted to go ahead and get a jump start on me getting a bed ASAP so he went ahead and paid it off.  Despite that, my friend was willing to help pay him back for doing that for me.  Today, I received a check for $280 from my friend. The ENTIRE  amount my grandfather had put down. I never get to pay my grandfather back for anything sadly.  I just never have the extra money or ability to do it. So the fact that I can now, makes me incredibly emotional and thankful to this person.  I’ve always had a really hard time allowing anyone to help me.  I never feel secure and have always braced myself to lose everything.

So to my friend who did this for me, THANK YOU. For offering, keeping your word, going above and beyond, and showing me there is still good out there.

Silence During A Breaking Point

cant I’m coming to the realization that I never allow myself the option of admitting that I can’t handle a situation. I’m a fighter (verbally). I like to state my point and have the last word, because on some yet to be discovered planet this is “winning.” Up until recently, I didn’t realize how unhealthy this way of thinking was.  I never walk away from comments that define me wrong, challenge me, insult me, or hurt me in some way. I’ve always seen that as an open door to prove my point and show a person exactly who I am through anger.

Then it changed.

Recently, I chose to not respond to comments I disagreed with. I chose to let someone repeatedly contact me that I really wanted to stop.I let them write me a goodbye letter full of apologies and promises that they had irreparably broken. I let something end without fighting it out.

My body told me:

 I just can’t do this anymore…

I can’t hang on to a relationship that was over a long time ago…

I can’t continue selling myself this short…

I can’t handle feeling this desperate for attention…

What happened next was that:

- I recovered very shortly after from a sinus infection that i thought was going to kill me

- I stopped stuffing my face with tons and tons of food

-I purchased a membership for Planet Fitness

-I bought an ipod shuffle and loaded it with music I love

- I felt and continue to feel stronger

 Knowing your breaking point and listening to it is HUGE.  Ending a toxic unhealthy relationship, no matter how sad, is essential to ones survival. I used to think I could not make it without a certain person. Turns out, I can’t make it without myself. I need to take better care of myself emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically. That is the goal for not only 2014 but 2015 as well!

Stronger September

I’ve realized that when life gets really hard, I often deal with it by just plain old NOT DEALING.  My way of comforting myself I guess is by numbing life out and put on this mask that screams: this girl is absolutely fine.  I kid you not, I was told by a sweet girl I work with that she would have never known my car just broke down because when I came to work I was smiling and looked like I had just eaten some waffles. (I’ve gotten amazing at that masking thing apparently). I’m unsure why at certain points I can handle blogging and others I cannot. Each time I’ve tried to come back to this, it’s been a bit of a failed attempt.  Here is some good news though….

I believe I am not at a better, stronger, more mature place than I’ve probably ever been.  Below is a picture of myself and what my facebook status from a few days ago:

“It’s true. You really do all the sudden realize one day that a weight is just gone. My eyes have looked so weak and sad in pictures for like the past 9 months. Having taken a picture today, I just looked at and realized,\the intense emotional weight from my marriage ending that I’ve been carrying around is gone.”

I'm Stronger,jpg

For those that do not know, my soon to be x husband told me he wanted a divorce on Christmas of 2013 at my in laws house. Romantic stuff right? The next six months were the most traumatic, hurtful, and confusing months of my life. Want to talk about hitting a breaking point!! I literally thought I was going to die. I’ve moved to two different locations, gone through three different cars, gotten in a car accident, cried more tears than I thought was even humanly possible to produce, and felt a sense of helplessness that went deeper than the ocean.

But through all of that, I survived.  Within two months of being told about the divorce, I found and continue to hold the same full time job (often working over time). I went to work looking like crap and went home looking worse. But what’s the most amazing thing for someone that has just had all that has made them feel safe stripped from them is that, I went.  Looking back today, I’m proud of that.  And I’m better.

There are so many other things I want to say, but for tonight, this is good. It’s a start. And I’ve officially started over. <3 Thank you to all those that have followed me, supported me, and advised me.

My life is a WRECK (literally)


Ever have those days where not a damn thing seems to be going right? Well, that was yesterday for me.  I was even upset to an extent at the fact that I was still alive.  So here is what happened…

I was returning to my job, the vet clinic, from lunch. I took an exit that merges onto a main highway. Being that it had been raining all day, the road was quite wet. While going down the exit, I lost complete control of my truck. It’s rear wheel drive and very light in the back so when it started sliding, I could not regain control of it. I managed to slam into the ramp on the right side going probably 35 mph.  I bounced off of that and skidded back into the road. (had I turned to the left instead, there was a huge grass area that went straight down. The truck I’m sure would have flipped).  I managed to get my truck off to the side of the road to evaluate damage. Passenger side headlight hanging out, front bumper on ground, smoke coming out of struck, something leaking heavily under it (which come to find out was radiator fluid), truck would not move. Long story longer, I had to call person im divorcing from to come and help me. Thankfully, he does. He finds me on exit, we call cops, EMS come because my neck and arm are hurting, and triple A towing shows up. We pretty much looked like a circus. I was ok, just had whiplash. Due to angle I hit, airbags did not deploy.

I don’t react normally to this accident. I found myself wishing I had turned left and the truck had flipped. I’ve been trying to move out of our apartment to start the separation from my x. He’s made it so clear he doesn’t want me there, is tired of me trying to find a place, and wants me out (which is not even legal come to find out). I’ve been working full time, packing up my life, trying to find a residents, going through a divorce, and am suffering from extreme exhaustion.

The night of the accident I did find this rose above and photographed it. There is something about rain on flowers that is beautiful to me. I think it’s important to remember that even in a storm, there is beauty.

I have found a new residence to go but it will be ready in a few weeks. So I have to survive all of this until then. My x worked on my cabrio today and got it to where at least it is not leaking horribly like before. This did up my moral knowing that I would not drown inside my car if there was a sprinkle outside.

The more I’ve gone to a divorce support group at my church, the more I have realized the need for help during a divorce. It’s not even about getting legal help (which is also good) but about emotional support. So many people, both men and women, feel scared and left without recourses during a divorce.  Many of us never in a million years planned to be in this situation. I’m the first one to raise my hand and explain how traumatic divorce feels. It’s like everything good and safe that you have come to know is stripped from you piece by piece. But here is the thing, if you surround yourself with people going through the same thing, you can rebuild and empower each other.

I can’t help but wonder if I would make a good lawyer. The kind that deals with divorce and helps people through this…..

Just a random idea of the day.

I’ve missed you guys. Nothing personal that I’ve been away. It’s just my life has been very hard lately. For all who read this and have continued to not give up on me, thank you. I know soon, it will get better.

Craigslist Car Shopping…The JOYS

Hello Friends :)


Hope today is going great for you. It’s Monday and I am off from work. Thank Goodness because I am SICK. You know it’s bad when I am having hot tea with honey for breakfast. I’m telling you, nothing feels better on a sore swollen throat than some tea!

So on to what my topic is….


Raise your hand if you hate car shopping with a passion?

Here are my main issues:

#1. Often times, women do not have the slightest clue as to what to look for on a used car. While we were taking care of our dolls, boys were putting together leggos and building guns out of straws. Hence, why their understanding of engines is probably so much higher haha. I’m not including those super cool women who know a car and are not afraid to get dirty!  Just, if you are like me, you don’t know what to look for.

#2.  Sticker price, firm price, varying price, willing to take an offer, etc.  I have no idea how to price a car! I can go onto and get an evaluation. But then, there are always those people who say, well I put a lot of money into my car with new parts. So just when I think I know how much a car is worth, that totally throws me for a loop.

#3. PRESSURE.  I new I could not go into a dealership and finance another car. I had to buy it outright to eliminate monthly payments. This left me with craigslist car& truck section.  So if you have never looked for a cheap car on craigslist, you probably don’t know they sell like IHOP’s all you can eat pancakes. You have to be fast, get to the seller fast, make an offer fast, etc.

#4 Oh and then there are those vehicles with Title issues. For instance, I ALMOST bought a Honda the other day. Went to get money and was about to head out to the person when their title went “missing.” All the sudden, the person said he could not find it. Wanted to know if I wanted the vehicle for a cheaper price with no title!!! hahahahha NOPE. I may not know much, but I know that buying a car that could have just been stolen is not always the best of options.

Anyway, I finally ended up getting a car yesterday. I used to have a VW Cabrio in which EVERYTHING broke on it. Top leaked and it all around fell apart on me. So what “new” car do I ultimately end up with? Of course, a VW Cabrio haha.  I’m sure I paid too much too. But here is the thing, the man said he took good care of it, got oil changed, the AC & heat work, radio works, tires look good, great on gas, and it drives well. It’s old as everything but I am proud of it because it is the


No Car Payments

No full coverage insurance


Now if I can just get the top to come UP once I put it down………   :)


Still Chugging Along

Sorry it’s been a while guys. I’m still alive! I just feel like I am working all the time. I can’t complain though when the majority of my customers are similar to this:


Today, I was off and too exhausted to do anything. I just did 3 back to back (10 hour) days. That may not seem like anything to some people but coming from me, it FELT like a lot!!! The most productive thing I did today was go through some of my life. Meaning, I through away old cards, a picture, etc that tied me too my last relationship. Being dumb, I read a lot of the letters which was hard. It’s so painful to read and remember falling in love, the excitement, the romance…..  To go from there to where him and I are today it’s really sad. But it’s over. This was my room:


I met someone recently again from my past.  I used to date him when I was very under age haha. It’s crazy how if someone was good to us though, we always remember them. I believe some people are put in our lives to be their at certain points, but maybe just not the entire way.  He’s been kind to me with allowing me to vent about my life and the craziness of it all. If for nothing else, it means a lot to have another person in my life like that.

So… the cutest thing I can share with you today is :


Why yes, yes I did. And I better receive it looking just like that :)

Hope everyone is well. Thank you for your continued support and following my journey. I’m thankful you are here.

FREE PRINT DOWNLOAD from Trendy Peas! “You are my Sunshine”

It’s been a while since I have done a free print download ! I woke up this morning to see that the lovely artist I used to work for had posted a free one.  Patchi of Trendy Peas is sharing her ” You Are My Sunshine Print” with you :) I hope you enjoy!

You Are My Sunshine Free Download


What I need is not always going to be what you understand. Maybe you won’t necessarily agree with my choices.  Most likely, you will hate my ideas. at one point or another 

But it’s not your life is it? Or your path. Or your dream. Nor destination.

So love me for being brave enough to make choices. For allowing myself to be vulnerable.

Know that I’m going to be wrong A LOT.

But that is life.

And for the first time, I’m choosing to live it.



Motivation & Comfort for the bleeding soul


Just because I needed to hear these things today.

I’m sure other people do too.

Before you read this though, just know that every good person deserves someone to say this to them at one point in their life:


If your heart is broken, know that you are not alone.

But also note, there is hope. This point in your life WILL pass.

You are right, you will never be the same.

Your beauty will be more elegant, your head much wiser, and your strength much more noticeable in time.

Live for this, if for nothing else.







Canceled Interview-Decision I Own

Hey guys,

Hope all is going well. I have the next two days off. Unfortunately, blogging has become like working out for me. In order for me to do it, I must be completely relaxed and on a “weekend.”  My schedule is pretty damn awesome at the vet I must admit.  I usually get two days off in the middle of the week (so much for having to survive 5 days to get to Saturday!!), get one weekend day off a week, and a two hour lunch break in the middle of the day. The downside is that I have to work long shifts the four days a week that I do work. Often between 9.5 and 10 hours of standing, scrubbing, and being pulled through the halls by a gigantic dog. :) I’m thankful though.

Not too long ago, I applied for a detention officer position.

detention officer

This was before the Kennel Tech position that I have now.   I have always been a bit interested in criminal justice and on a whim (and out of financial desperation) decided to apply for a position that came available online. I got a call back, did a written test for it, and just the other day got a call for an interview. Getting this position would have been a longer process, as a lie detector test amongst other things was involved.  I had only a short time to decide whether or not I was going to pursue it. Just about everyone I talked to gave me thumbs up, saying go for it.  I love working with animals but the pay is no where near what I would have gotten if I had worked for a detention center.  I asked a good friends mom what I should do. She said that it was my decision to make. That no one could choose for me.  I completely agree that sometimes we want someone to choose for us or push us in a direction because the weight of a decision feels so incredibly heavy. I asked my grandmother if she still would have gone into her major of music in college if her husband had not been there to support her. She said Yes. That she loved music. That every day when she came home from school she would play her piano when she was younger. I just realized….



Not even in desperation. If you have a full time job that you can at least SURVIVE off of, then you must breathe and realize you are okay.  I realized if I had gone for the other job I would have had plenty of toilet paper, socks, and food in the fridge.  But would I regret leaving where I am right now? Would I miss the schedule I have? Would I be sick all the time due to the 12 hour morning AND night shifts? The answer is YES.

I decided to cancel the interview.

Did I make the right decision for the rest of my life? Probably not. Did I make the right decision for where I am right now in my life? Yes. Too often I make decisions while considering my present AND my future. I panic as if the decision is going to be the last one of my entire life. Fact is, we get decisions and choices every day. And if we lack them, all we have to do is decide whether we want to go see a movie and then choose if we want someone to go with us. :)

Anyway, that is my little job update as to what is happening right now. I am about to post another blog about the lovely events of my debit card and someone going to town on it yesterday. FUN TIMES.

Anyway, hope all is well! Stay warm out there!





Skinny Taste Crock Pot Chicken Taco Chili Healthy Recipe, Education Update, and New Job

This past week a few positive things have happened.

1. I finally got a full time Kennel Tech position at a Veterinary Office in Charleston, SC.  These type of positions have seriously been non existent.  A few weeks ago I got fed up from not getting any call backs from vet offices that I just started calling around to everyone I had previously applied too. By chance, this one place was actually hiring. They were able to look up my resume and I got a call back the same day for an interview. From there I did a job shadow, they called references, and ultimately offered me the job <3.  Full time. I work 4 days a week for about 9-10 hours a day. I wake up at 5:30 AM and am incredibly thankful that this job pulled through for me.


2. I called my grandfather, who has believed in me through it all, and asked for $50 to apply to The College of Charleston. He sent me a check for $100. He is amazing. Not because he sends me money but because he believes in me. He’s spent his whole life going without things because he appreciates what he has.  It’s because of this that he has been able to help me along. I applied for the Studio Art major. The fall semester does not even start until August. Still have to do my taxes, update my FAFSA, and get my transcripts in. But first step is applying, and that was done today !


4. I made a crock recipe that turned out good last week. It was another one from the SkinnyTaste website.


Crock Pot Chicken Taco Chili

This was really good and very easy! I believe I cooked it 5 hours on high but went by all of the ingredients. I just got that boil in a bag 10 minute brown rice instead of white rice. Definitely try this out!

So that’s what is happening this week :) Hope everyone is well !

Listening To & Loving Myself

Tonight I got to talk to my granddad.  He is the sweetest, funniest, and strongest man I know. Not for his age, not because he is related to me, but because he just is all the way around as a person. I told him I was feeling extremely lost with what career I wanted to go into. He explained that “the Lord tells you as much as you can understand at one time.”  He went on to say that he did not start off knowing where he wanted his end goal to be.  His interest was in the church and that is all he knew. He said if he had known he was going to go on to be a preacher he would have never pursued his career in the church because the thought of it would have been too overwhelming. He followed what he loved, learned from people, and was led into his love for the position he held for many years as a Baptist Preacher. Before you shake your head and go “wow your life must have been tough,” just know that he never once pushed religion on me. I was raised in a Christian environment but I cannot tell you a time he quoted scripture to me. He left his job at the door and raised me with love. The older I get, the more I appreciate him for that.

This is the first semester I have taken off college in years. Normally, I go to school through the semester. I feel almost like I am going through withdrawals not having deadlines to meet.  I also know that I want to get my Bachelors Degree.

Nursing has been what I have been trying to convince myself lately I want to do. Being a nurse provides a stable career, quite a lot of money, and medical benefits. Who doesn’t want those things?

I don’t love nursing though.

I love Photography. It’s my drug. Art in general.

I am at a crossroads where I must choose whether to pursue a degree that is good for me or a degree that I will enjoy obtaining.

My grandfather who drove me to my first day of school with our golden retriever Glory in the truck, is sending me $50 so I can apply to the College of Charleston. It’s a very well known historical college here in downtown Charleston, SC.  Looking on their long list of majors…. I just came upon this major tonight:

  Bachelors of Arts in Studio Art

In this major I could study photography, drawing, sculpting, printing, etc. In order to graduate, you must make an exhibit of your own personal work to present.

In how many languages can I say : YESSSSSSS.

So this is my new goal, to go apply to the college for the Fall semester.

I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea if I am going to be able to make money with this degree. I have no idea if Ramen Noodles are going to be a main staple of my diet shortly.

But here is what I do know: I would absolutely love taking these courses. I would love the pumping adrenaline resulting from the fight to make it. I would never look back and regret the portion of my life where I practiced what I loved most.

For the first time in my life, I’m learning to love myself. And with that comes accepting that I am withholding the talent I have been gifted with.

love yourself

Turkey Stuffed Peppers- Skinny Taste Recipe! HEALTHY

So last night, my brother asked me to come over and hang out with him for a movie night. Can I just say, I adore him. Seriously, he is like the male version of myself lol.  Anyway, we made a fire, laid out a blanket, and watched movies. At one point he came up behind me and just wrapped his arms around me.  If this all sounds romantic, please know that we are just very affectionate with each other. Last night put me in a much more positive mood!

Hence, why I am posting a recipe post and not a depression post <3

I made stuffed peppers yesterday that were so delicious and healthy. I’ve really been trying hard to lose some weight. It’s back to finding healthy recipes.


Skinny Taste Turkey Stuffed Peppers

Once done, you can add a bit of cheddar cheese to the top if desired.

I actually loved the idea of adding the 1/2 can chicken broth to the bottom of the pan for the peppers.  It made them a lot softer. In many recipes, they say just to stick the peppers in the pan resulting in very crunchy peppers.  I would highly recommend this recipe!

The only alteration I would make is use 1/2 cup of tomato sauce instead of 1/4 cup. The consistency of the meat and rice just seemed like it needed a bit more sauce. Other than that, I followed the recipe and added one more pepper (4 peppers in all).

The “ice storm” in Charleston, SC

Schools, Stores, Vet offices, etc, have been shut down.  Grocery stores have been raided of waters as well as milk & eggs (rumor has it).  People have been acting as if they were preparing for a category 4 hurricane. Meanwhile, I found myself exploring my apartment complex with my tennis shoes and camera in tow. I’m just going to let people be ridiculous and do something that is actually productive :) .


Hilariously Horrible

Today has been one of those days that was so horrible, one almost has to laugh.

#1. Go to doctors appointment to find out I have a $89 copay. Where the fuck did that come from? They run my debit and of course, I don’t have that much money in my account. So I go to call Nick to try and get him to transfer some money…


#2. Go out to car to retrieve phone. Left the damn phone at home. Get in car and speed home to try and get ahold of him before appointment.

#3. He’s at training and doesn’t even get the message for like the next 8 hours.


#4. Cancel appointment, and go to Starbucks. A guy that works there has  clearly been enjoying the attention that consists of our conversations while I drink coffee. Today, I observed him getting really uncomfortable when a customer walked in and then out with their order. Not really paying attention, he later tells me that the guy that came in is someone he is still really into. That this guy has come to his house for a date in the past and he cooked him dinner. Explaining how everything was perfect but… I kind of dazed off after those few sentences. Is this really happening? Are you seriously gay? Are you kidding me?   (nothing against gay people at all. I just really thought he was straight so it was a shock).


#5. In an effort to try to make friends that have something in common with me, I ask the guy who prints my photography if he would ever want to hang out. I feel like very few of my friends adore urban photography, as I do.  I just would like to do some things “I” enjoy. I received a very kind email back pretty much kindly declining due to being busy, having a girlfriend, and a son.


#6.  A counselor in the meantime  has been trying to return my call all day. He feels he can help me with all I am going through (if he only knew). When I finally call him back I find out that I would have to pay a copay upfront of $85 and insurance would reimburse me a lot of it.  He kindly knocked price down to $50 a session when he heard dead silence on the other end of the phone. If only he knew that this is what I spend on groceries a week……


Yeah…. I’m going to bed NOW to prevent anything else from possibly  happening.



So something about me that people either love or fear is how open I am. I share with the world how I am feeling. I’m thankful that I have had  many days where this blog has been colorful and bright.  Each post I make is a representation of what I am going through as a person.  I feel that when someone puts their heart (literally) into their blog, others can feel it.  Tonight, I watched an ABC wedding of Shawn and Catherine  (The last couple from The Bachelor). I witnessed them say their vows Live, watched as Shawn cried when he first saw his bride, and how the preacher (Shawn’s dad) welcomed his new wife to the family while expressing how in love they were with him.  My facebook status shortly after watching this wedding was something along the lines of “I don’t know whether I want to drink or die.”   Is it possible to do both? I cried through the majority of that special tonight.

For those that do not know, I am going through a “separation.” What the hell does that word even mean? It’s not like I am flying off to another country. This is not one of those deals where things may work out, issues can be worked on, or trust can be repaired. I’m being left by someone I have loved beyond what words can express. Someone whom I have stood by in the darkness of hell and the light of heaven. I feel confused, angry, and unbelievably sad. I’ve been left before but never by someone I was married too.  The last time, I numbed out the pain by crying very little. On one of the rare occasions I did cry, I curled up like a child to my brother and sobbed.  I should have done it more. I didn’t allow myself to feel enough. It was some kind of survival mechanism. This time, I refuse to run, hide, or ignore. I want to feel the cruelty of life, the betrayal of promises once made, and everything in between.

Tonight, I share the piece of myself that feels with you.

Motivation to Challenge Yourself

If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced. –Vincent Van Gogh

I absolutely love this quote above.  There are always so many doubts going through my head.  Often, I feel there is a voice saying “YOU CANNOT DO THIS.”
Instead of allowing that voice to be right, I would like to really focus on proving it wrong.

I did something for the first time a few days ago!!  I walked across the ENTIRE Cooper River Bridge and back.  My friend absolutely insisted that we must make it to a light pole a ways away from the end of the bridge to ensure that we had walked the 5 mile trek.  I felt like we should be awarded medals and receive a standing ovation by the time we got to the end. The feeling of completing the walk though was amazing. I really did something I did not think I could do.

I need to do more of this kind of thing….

Cooper River Bridge

Connecting Downtown Charleston, SC to Mount Pleasant, SC




Just because you are a women does not mean you have to reproduce. Or Breast Feed. Or any of it.

I have been struggling with trying to get myself to want to have kids for a while now.  I see women when their cute little girls and envy them. Their the ultimate picture of adorable. However, when it comes to having kids, I don’t want too at this point. I’m not really sure why either.  I am 26 years old and as of a few months ago, had a husband who wanted to have a baby.  All I would have had to do was say it.  Maybe I am selfish. The majority of my life I have struggled with being really over weight.  Some people may call the idea of not having kids due to body image ridiculous. However, I don’t care. I really just want to get my body in shape & fall in love with myself.  The idea of sacrificing my body, time, and future for a child feels  a bit like lying on a bed of nails. I salute every mom who willingly has made changes in their life so that they can raise their child.  I just don’t feel like that woman is me though.  Maybe something will change my mind in the future but if not, I need to come to terms with the idea that this is OK.  What the “majority” of people are doing is not always right for everyone. I’m finding more and more that I am the exception as opposed to the rule.

What do you “want” to do? MAKE IT STOP

I am really starting to hate the question: what do you want to do with your life?

People that ask me this question tend to think I am confused. But, I’m not. It’s called being numb. I’ve always been surviving.  When you are in survival mode, you think of a plan of action that will keep you ALIVE.  I’ve never had time to really think about or go for something I “wanted.”  Since I don’t have an answer like “I want to be a Fire Fighter” I hope the answer below will suffice.

What I want to do with my life, you ask?

I want to rewind

I want to heal

I want to feel

I want to witness

I want safety

I want to visit

I want dream

I want to laugh

I want to cry

I want faith

I want forgiveness

I want to provide

I want satisfaction

I want to be proven wrong

I want rest

I want time

I want exceptions

I want beauty

I want blood

I want art

I want to travel


If the above needs were met I may just start to see a path in my life.  A path that had a sign telling me where I was going.  When this happens, I will be more than happy to put a label on what exactly it is that I want to do with my life.




Two Brothers Who Race Together & Redefine the word Love

You know those powerful stories that just really hit you in the heart? The ones that make you evaluate the type of person you are and the sacrifices you would make for another? This story/video about two brothers is amazing. The little brother was born with Cerebral Palsy while the older brother was not.  The bond they shared and the way in which they figured out how to connect is really inspirational. I wanted to share this one with yall.


Sportskid of the Year 2012

What a woman should try when going through a DIVORCE

survivorYes, I am finally publically admitting it. My husband and I are “separating” and eventually divorcing. It breaks my heart because I love him and am not in agreement with his decision. Unfortunately, this is one of those things that just falls under the category of “to bad” legally.  I want to encourage anyone and everyone who is ever considering marriage one day to sit down and have  a discussion about the definition of FOR BETTER OR WORSE. Because people come from all walks of life, what is “worse” for one person may be a completely different definition than for the other.  You need to know what your significant others breaking point is, when they would without hesitation walk out, and what type of communication they would try and implement before they got this point.  That’s all I am saying for now. Below is a list that is somewhat comical but true facts about dealing with a divorce (from a woman’s perspective).

1.Cry like you just broke both legs

2. Drink a bottle of wine

3. Cry a lot more (similar to if your dog got run over in front of you)

4. Drink another bottle

5. Realize choices 1-4 are only momentarily helping

6. Go to starbucks, get cheapest thing on menu (toasted bagel with butter), find a lake, walk (or sit) while taking your life in

7. If you are religious, seek your religion. Find comfort in church, yoga, or other form of relaxation.

8. Look for a job but do not panic, because holding one right now is probably as unrealistic as finding  a pot of gold.

9. Resist the temptation to stomp on every romantic movie in your house while screaming “LIARS”

10. Accept the fact that you are not going to feel “ok” for a long time

11. If a friend mentions when you one day try it again…. suggest to her/him that the idea of being with another person is about as appealing as eating an entire can of anchovies while singing the national anthem.

12. Cut your hair (I cut about 6-7 inches off of mine) It felt amazing.


13.  If you have a talent (photography, writing, drawing, etc) USE it while you are going through this.  It’s so easy to shut down. But I have seen time and time again peoples art enhance during dark periods.

14. Make a list of what you are no longer going to have to put up with from your significant other. NOT a list of what you lost. We are trying to feel better here…

15. Figure out a plan. And if you can’t right now, know that is okay too.  Everyone has options but sometimes they take time to come.

16. Rest yourself. If you don’t feel like getting out of bed for 4 days then don’t. Your immune system is probably shot, your eyes probably look similar to a Blow Fish’s, and you are exhausted. That is reason enough to rest.

17. As much as you beg, plead, or try to convince your significant other to stay… ask yourself whether you REALLY want to be with a person who does not want to be with you.

18. Don’t go out and spend lots of money. Treat yourself to small things like coffee. Unless you have a very good  job, please do not go blow your every last cent. Remember, you need GAS to go find that job which will help support you in the future.

19. Try to journal. I haven’t been able to yet but I want too. One day, I want to read everything I survived.

20. Remember that divorce is similar to dealing with a death. It’s painful, miserable, and saddening. Everything hurts and all feels lost. But like healing from a lost one, I truly believe in time people can heal from a divorce. There will always be those days or triggers that cause you to curl up like a hedgehog and cry.  But then fresh air will come in from the windows that have been opened and give you hope again.

My Charleston


Fountain in front of some pretty historical houses!


I love how this yellow building and tree contrast. Charleston is also known for having beautiful & very historical  windows.


Famous Charleston, SC street with all the shops!


Charleston Pralines. You can smell this sweet goodness from several feet outside the store.


Downtown in a field called Marion Square, there were tons of Palm Trees lit up for Christmas. BEAUTIFUL.


This is one of my favs… Another shot of a lit up palm tree, Christmas tree, AND steeple.  Charleston is definitely a Holy city with MANY gorgeous churches.

Church and Balding Men

You know those moments when you have to lay out your work out clothes to inspire yourself to work out the following day?  I had the same moment yesterday when it came to church.  Not only did I lay out my clothes but I bought a new shirt at Old Navy for church. Everything was ready.  I found myself crying on the drive to church today and sitting in the car of the church parking lot.  Looking around at all the dressed up people going in and out, I had a huge temptation to screech my tires out of their parking lot, never to look back.  It felt intimidating to go in alone. It feels hard to do anything ALONE right now.  Something in me though gave me the strength to sneak in and sit at the very last row of the church.  I was seriously ready to make a mad dash if anything went wrong. What can go wrong in church?? I guess it’s just where my mind is at right now.

A very tall balding man came and plopped himself in the chair in front of me. No offense men, but if you are more than 50 percent bald, it may be time to just go for the shaved head look. Ladies do not like to look at a circle of skin on the back of your head. Anyway, I was afraid to move over for fear he would get offended I did.  Before I could get too distressed though, my friends cousin spotted me in church and asked me to join her. Thank you Lord.

Todays sermon was on the new year.  The preacher joked that so far, everyone had attended all his services this year (this was first Sunday of month).  I’ve realized a preacher who can make me laugh is key to keeping my attention. We learned today that we must assume responsibility for our lives. It is not anyone else’s fault that we are where we are right now. We are the only people that have the power to change our situation.  He explained that the three words that could change our life  are= DO IT NOW.   That we should expect God to help us though in this process.

My favorite verse today was:

Proverbs 12:22 (GNT)  Being cheerful keeps you healthy. It is a slow death to be gloomy all the time. (I guess eeyore is screwed! haha awww poor eeyore)


Ecclesiasted 11:4 If you wait for the perfect conditions, you will never get anything done.

The above things are what I needed to hear today.

I realized it takes courage to walk into church.

I used mine today <3

Books & Baggy Eyes

I feel so peaceful when I am around books. Whenever I am going through something hard, I make every effort to surround myself with books. Stories to me are old friends and amazing support systems. Tonight, I found myself contemplating cigarettes (I don’t smoke) at the gas station while I pumped gas.  Instead, I opted for a coffee and a book store. It brought me a lot of comfort in a silent calming sort of way.

Last night, I once again drank a bottle with my friend. We watched love movies and she chain smoked out the window of the house she hates living in. Her little red and gold Christmas tree is still up. As if to say, it’s going to be ok…it’s supposed to be ok…

Everything in my life right now feels hard and painful. I want to drink, smoke, cut, pierce, throw up, get tattooed, tear up a punching bag, scream, cry, and literally die. Everything hurts. Everything feels unfair.

I would go into more detail and perhaps once time has passed, it will be appropriate. But right now I can only share that I am dealing with a very painful and sad issue that involves love.

If you pray, please pray for strength for me. <3

Christmas is a Time to Drink

Last night, my friend and I watched Elf and Four Christmases while drinking red wine out of plastic cups. She had a beautiful little tree up in her apartment with red and gold ornaments. We both gave each other a gift. Hers to me was a cross stitched “I am only me when I am with you” in a flower frame. A very cool present that I know took her a lot of time. Mine to her was a small tin of hot chocolate, coffee mug, and some mini marshmallows. Together, we created, what felt like for a minute, an actual happy Christmas night.

I am so thankful to have a friend that understands the meaning of SURVIVNG CHRISTMAS

Four Christmases

She drank wine out of her cup and then straight out of the bottle, a trademark of hers :) Calling herself a “functioning alcoholic.” I sipped at my glass while laughing hysterically as Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn tried to survive their dysfunctional families during the holidays.

four christmases 2

I just got done painting my nails a shade of purple that has never been seen before at this jolly happy time of year.

Wishing there were gift certificates under the tree for tattoo and piercing shops.

Oh well, there is always next year <3



Mini Update to my Followers


Hey Guys!

Sorry it’s been slow lately!

I have been finishing up the semester which I FINALLY finished yesterday.

Social Ethic, Intro to Psychology, and Human Services COMPLETE

I can hear the chorus of Hallelujah from heaven!

STILL recovering from bronchitis. I have one of those immune systems where if I catch something, I mine as well go ahead and check into the intensive care unit!

Looks like I will be spending a few days in Palm Coast, Florida for Christmas with my husbands family. Hello Tropical Weather!

Hoping everyone is having a lovely Holiday <3

Also, below is a link to a youtube video sharing how to make Photo Coasters. I can’t wait to try this, as it looks SO easy. <3

Photo Coasters

The Pink Box- A True Untold Story

For as far back as I can remember, I’ve had a love for boxes.   Those of yall who travel most likely understand why. Boxes keep things safe, together, and ready to go at any moment.  When I was around 20 years old, I found a very large pink trunk at goodwill.  I felt led to get the box to put my most special things in.  It’s weird but I’ve had premonitions before.  For some reason, I felt that soon I would be thrown out and needing to pack this box before it happened.

When I was 21 years old, I was thrown out.

The large pink trunk was one of the things waiting for me that night on the garage floor when I came home.


I have kept it with me through several moves, a breakup, and a marriage.

Yet, until tonight, I have not been able to bring myself to open it.


It was almost like opening a time capsule.

I literally expected some bats to fly out of the box or mice to be in it.

What lay within this box was shocking. Today, what I would consider a survival box would be a toothbrush, change of clothes, important documents, and maybe a few pictures.

Instead, I found my favorite pair of rhinestone jeans & belt from Express, my plastic animal collection from childhood, celebrity tshirts, old jewelry, letters from family members, my grandmothers graduation ring, a few stuffed animals, my book of poems….


Notice the James Van Der Beek Poster and Teaching Mr. Tingle News article.


Notice the rhinestone jeans that all the animals are sitting on.  I can’t even remember when those were ever “in” but apparently at some point, they were as Express sold them!


This jewelry was made up of ying yangs, shark teeth,  and horses….. hmm interesting

I’ve finally filtered through most of the box.  I was a bit sad at how detached I was to a large majority of the items. I know before I was thrown out that I would rather starve than leave those things behind.  It just goes to show how we change as we grow up. I kept the plastic animal set for sentimental reasons and who knows…maybe my kid one day. But most of jewelry and pile of random stuff was either donated or thrown away.  The lesson I have learned tonight is that everything changes, regardless of how tightly we hold onto it. I did find one of my favorite photos of my first dog Glory. She was the best Golden retriever in the world. Hands down. I was probably like three years old below and covered in soap from bathing her .


Memories never change. I feel the same about that dog as the moments we had together, as the time I put the picture in the box, and tonight pulling it back out of the box.


“Like” my Facebook Page Please <3

Hello Friends!

I’ve made a facebook page that will contain ONLY my photography. If you enjoy my photography, please drop by and “like” my page <3

Jenny Laura Photography Facebook Page

And if you have not yet had a chance to stop by, please come check out my Etsy page:

Jenny Laura Photography Etsy Page

8×10’s going for $20

If you use the coupon code : MerryChristmas2013 you get FREE shipping.

Thank you for your continued support!


Chinese Tea Pot- Still Life Photography


Chinese Tea Party <<<—- for sale in Etsy Shop

You know, one of the great things about unpacking boxes is that you tend to find things you had forgotten about or thought you lost.  I honestly did not know where my Chinese tea set was.  And when I say Chinese, I don’t mean because it has a “made in china” stamp on it. :)  My brother, Dalton, majored in Chinese. He actually went to China and brought me back an authentic tea set.  At the time, I don’t think I really appreciated how truly beautiful the set it. Until I “refound” it! I took lots of photos of the set but this one was my favorite. The way the seller packed it is really gorgeous with this silky gold material.  I look forward to one day my child having tea parties with this set. <3

Wanted to share it with you!

The Beauty of Books and a Lufa- Still Life Photography

Since I am confined to the house, due to still being sick, I was dying for something to do. For some reason, it’s only recently occurred to me that there are a lot of things to photograph inside people’s houses, including my own! I pass by many decorative things and household items that I would have never thought would have made an interesting photograph.  I believe on that one, I am wrong.  Really liked the two pics below :) If you click on their names below the picture it will take you to my Etsy shop where they are sold. I just got my hard mailers in today for my photographs! yay! Now just to get the protective photo sleeves in and I should be almost set.



The Beauty of Books


Ocean Fresh

Grand Opening of my Etsy Photography Shop

Hello Friends!

I’m excited to announce that I just opened my first Etsy photography shop. I’m REALLY bad with figuring things out so take it from me, Etsy is very user friendly. It took some time uploading 20 of my pictures though with the information :) . It’s so amazing getting to see my work online. Even if I don’t sell anything, I’m still proud that I did it! Etsy charges 20 cents per item that you sell a month. So I listed 20 items = $4! Not bad! If I sell an item (aka photograph in my case), they take I believe 3.4 percent of sale price.


As a “sale” or “test run”  I’m asking

$25 per 8×10

$5 shipping for US

$10 shipping for Canada

$15 shipping for anywhere else (fingers crossed I don’t get anyone in Ethiopia wanting 50 prints) hahaha jk

Anyway, the link to my Etsy page is:

Jenny Laura Pictures

Unfortunately, “Jenny Laura Photography” was too long of a name for Etsy to accept. So, I got as close to the name as I could. My banner still says Jenny Laura Photography though, as this is what I have been and will be calling my business.

If anyone sees a picture not listed in the shop on Jenny Laura Photography Blog that they would like to purchase, just let me know. It’s very simple to add pictures!

Thanks to everyone who has supported me, motivated me, and pushed me to do this. <3

New Header!

I just got my new header in today! Jamie from Fresh Lavender Design on Etsy made it for me !  She has extremely affordable prices in her shop, will give you revisions to final product, and stays in contact. Jamie also makes pre made Etsy layouts, headers for anything, and premade logos.  For a bit more, she can also create something custom for you!  I will definitely be ordering from her again!

Hope you guys like the new header!


This doesn’t go without saying how thankful I am for Amy from Lucky Wreck for my last lovely banner.

She VOLUNTEERED to make me one and never asked for anything in return. I continue to

be grateful to her for that!

It’s time to forgive

Tonight, my husband had a very intense conversation about where our relationship was.  I swear, the one major obstacle that couples face is figuring out how to communicate.  When people communicate through screaming or disappearing into the computer/video games, NOTHING is accomplished. (Take it from my house)

I’ve realized through having an actual calm discussion with my husband that there are several things that have been effecting him a great deal about my behavior.  One being, that I have never forgiven him for calling off our engagement a few years ago.

I have extreme abandonment issues. It’s as if I choose to either cling to people for dear life or push them completely away. Neither of which, I might add, is healthy in the least.  A few years ago, my now husband and I were engaged. I was planning our wedding and feeling as safe as one possibly could in their relationship. Unfortunately, he decided last minute that he was not prepared to get married and called it off. I ultimately gave back my ring, quit my full time job, and moved out of state to live in my friends bedroom.


Long story short, after months of being apart I ended up moving back in with my x fiancé. He admitted to realizing he made a mistake and wanted to pursue our relationship.  We did and instead of having a wedding like the ones in the pictures I had been collecting, we got married by the justice of the peace. I was too embarrassed to have a wedding after he had called it off. Over all, I was just too broken and craving security again.


I have no regrets about us getting married. My husband is a good man and like all of us, changed his mind. He just happened to change it about one of the most important days of a girls life.

It’s been almost two years, and I am ashamed to admit that I haven’t forgiven him.

Nor have I ever felt as secure as I once did.


He brought up to me tonight how he has more than made up for that mistake but that no matter what he does, I always seem to be angry that happened.  Going on to tell me that I am not the girl he fell in love with and that he wants that girl back. I wish I could call up my former self and see if she could drop by for a visit….

Lately, I’ve also been dealing with some serious depression issues too  involving work, money, career, death, etc.  And I have been taking it out (verbally) on him.  When I get frustrated, I get to angry and sometimes go off in a full out hiss fit. The picture below is me when I am experiencing anger and PMS all at the same time.


I also have acquired a habit of hanging up on him when I get really upset, want to be right, or just prefer to have the last word. (((turns red in extreme embarrassment at the immaturity of this)))

All of these little things have been truly weighing on him.  Why am I posting these details online? Because I want to admit publically that I am ashamed at how I have been acting towards him. He is not perfect, but it’s not his fault that I am struggling with how to deal with life in a healthy way.  There are many instances where I have gotten really upset and instead of defending myself, he has chosen to cower down and just take it.

take it

Ladies and gentlemen, NO ONE deserves to have to take mistreatment. If you think you are doing your significant other a favor by keeping quiet and shutting down, you are not. When communication ends be prepared to enter through the gates of an inner hell.

My husband and I talked everything out tonight. There is a lot we both admitted to that we were wrong about.  We both agree though that we love each other and have no regrets about marrying one another.  I believe now he is clear that I would much prefer him stop telling me I need to work at a grocery store when I complain that there are no jobs available. And I could not be any more aware of certain things he is tired of.

Tonight, I realized that there is just a lot of work that needs to be put into our relationship to heal it.

It’s going to take both of us.

And it’s time for me to forgive him

cuddling animals

I’ve Reached the End of My Comfort Zone

life begins

I suffer from this little thing called “LOW SELF CONFIDENCE.”

I never truly feel like I am good enough.

Can’t help noticing that the most stable people seem to come from extremely supportive & close families

Well, where there is not a road, one must build one.

I’m in the process of building my road so to speak.

Deep down, I want to be a photographer

Taking pictures & blogging makes me feel happy

I just pre ordered an etsy layout, some 8 X 10 mailers, and business cards

If this doesn’t work, I tried

The most miserable thing is wondering…

Could I have done it? Was I good enough?

I’m at a point where I know nothing else is working

Time to try something I actually like

My work can be seen on: