When do we get there? You don’t

I am coming to terms with the fact that some things don’t change. No amount of envy, frustration, or sadness will create the ideal for you. Here are some things that don’t change:

Your bone structure. You may vary in sizes or be under or overweight. But if you are a broad shouldered curvy girl like myself that decides to make a size 2 a goal, you are in all honesty bordering on insanity. Kill this dream. It is unhealthy.

Cravings. They don’t go away. Your stomach and/or soul will always be hungry for something. Whether it be freedom, safety, or a Cookout Cheeseburger we are all seeking comfort. The important thing is o learn how to handle these craving so that they do not consume your thoughts.

Wanderlust. The strong desire to travel. Yeah, that bitch does not go anywhere. I can be as busy as everything and working several jobs while hearing a field of sunflowers call to me or that abandoned house in the field. It doesn’t go away. So, travel more.

Healing and Forgiveness. Many will disagree with this and that is okay. Some actually accomplish this one. But for many of us that have read the self help books, gone to counselors, prayed, confided in others, or even numbed it all out… loss and emotional pain HURT. In my opinion, you don’t ever get back to where you were before they happened.

Round Circle Square hole. If you have an artsy personality, love for self expression, and have trouble sitting still then prepare to work in different fields until you find one that allows you to be yourself. You will not wake up suddenly and have a passion to be a lawyer that sits at a desk often. It is just not who you are and that is okay. Unfortunately, you may never be rich. But hey, you may never have to wear a suit to work!

I hope you enjoyed some of these realizations. I am sure I will add more to the list as I go. Feel free to comment or recommend some other ones!

Mini Update

 

It felt so nice to write that last post that I am going to write again! Since it has been a minute (as always) I am going to write a “What is New” and “What is Not” below for you.If you are a new follower, welcome! It means a lot that people that the time to read about my life. Those who can handle how real I am are cool in my book. Oh, and the picture above is of two canvases I did recently. They are for sale ! If interested post below. I learned that glitter…. GETS EVERYWHERE!

 

What is New

• I have been doing Veterinary Assisting for a while. In many ways I have loved it but there have been other ways in which I have not. I get sick a lot when I work with the general public (my last sickness will be a new post). I do still work at the vet but I have stepped back into the kennel position. I’ve watched as other people are being hired to take my position that I worked very hard for. In a way, it does suck. I miss the people I used to work with in that section and the respect that came with it.  But I had to make a sacrifice and those are never easy.

 

• I did start a youtube channel. I have not uploaded videos to it yet but I am going too. I want to start selling Scentsy soon and think that having a channel in which I talk about different things will help me gain some followers. 🙂 I never thought I would ever have a youtube channel, as I am so introverted. But I have watched as many people made theirs. It can’t be that hard! And if it is, I can just stop.

 

• Our garden got really big. It got to the point that I started to get nauseated if I saw a cucumber come into the house. Like we had so many! They have all almost gone away now. We still have a ton of tomatoes. I have enjoyed taking the cherry tomatoes to work. I am convinced I cannot keep plants or fish alive. But thanks to my boyfriend, this garden did get watered in the early hours of the AM which we know I am not awake for ha! unless money is involved…. and coffee…

 

• I had one of the worst sicknesses I have ever had. I am going to post a blog about it but it went from July 8th 2016-Aug 8th 2016. I still have a cough, feel weak, and some what sickly. However, I am no longer coughing my lungs out so that is an improvement. I went for allergy testing (only allergic to dust mites), had a sinus and chest CT scan, and a throat scope (where they put a light threw your nose down your throat (FUN TIMES).

 

• I have a counselor that I am going to weekly, yay! I really like her and feel that she will be able to help me. Sometimes you do not realize how fucked up you are until you get out of an office and cry your eyes out on the way home.

 

What’s Not 

•  I am still broke guys! Thankfully, I did have some savings so I was able to at very least pay for food and basic needs while I was sick. The more emergencies that come up, the more important I realize that it is to have savings!

 

• Still love beer, photography, church, and tattoos . I am going to do a seperate blog for tattoos as well. I think I have decided all the images I want (camera, book, typewriter, rose, quill (possibly), fan (possibly), etc. I will post pics soon.

 

Hope you guys are doing good! I almost said have a good night but its 5:54 AM. I had one of those nights where you wake up at 2 AM and there is no going back to sleep. But then of course you can’t find the computer charger chord, you end up waking your boyfriend up because the need is so great to get online, and then after scouring around the house he discovers it right underneath where I was sitting. Whoops…..

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Everyone Who Has Ever Thought I Was Not Good Enough

Dear everyone who has ever thought I was not good enough,

Greetings. This has been a letter that I have been meaning to send. You know how that is, right? Life gets in the way and through all the things you think I am not doing,  somehow I forget to send this. Crazy right?

How is your delusional self doing? I would have called but then, you know, who has time to swallow more stress than their normal daily dose from the two jobs they are breaking their back working.

Did you know that for a long time, I felt like less of a girl because of you? Does that make you sickly smile inside?  And by “you” please know that, from my heart, I am sending this letter out to so many.  Addresses may have changed and you may never get this. But I want to at least try, because I deserve for you to hear what I have to say…..

I eat the most when I am sad. I want to eat all the time these days. Did you know that weight is pain?  From a young age, I was judged, punished, and  forced to exercise. People that I should have looked to for confidence either were not there or hated their body as well. Who knew that I would be a 28 year old adult, still struggling with my weight, hating my body most days, and  still craving any form of attention. It’s sad that childhood pain sticks with you like gum on a shoe. I’m on a road to healing and am using my insurance to go to a counseling that eventually will help unravel all you made me feel. I may not be there today, but one day I will be. I am good enough.

Why do you only see my lack of paper on the wall and not my accomplishments?  Yes, I will give you that, I do not have a Bachelors or Masters degree. I know much to your disappointment, the PhD. is not there either. Where was my supportive and safe home when I was trying to go through school? Have you ever asked me? I was going to school while living in my best friends bedroom, working a job, living off soup because I did not have parents that could help me.The one I had threw me out.  And yet, I refused to give up. I did not graduate high school but got my GED. I knew nothing about college, dreams, or scholarships but through determination & research I got my Associates Degree. And yet, all you see is what I don’t have!? Are you kidding me. You should be empowering me instead of making me feel embarrassed.  Despite your beliefs on my education or “lack there of” I am good enough.

Oh you don’t think I make enough money or work enough jobs? Honey, when did this information become any of your entitled egos business. I sat through horrifically awkward conversations and  answered overly invasive questions for you all in the name of trying to receive understanding. That was a mistake and for feeling I could trust your intentions, I apologize. People like you have continued to make me feel like I need to work 10 jobs, around the clock, and with no breaks Thanks for that delusional exhaustion you put on me. I am proud of what I do and what I make. And just as a reminder, I am good enough.

Who put you in charge of peoples bodies by the way? I thought you did not like me. Why do you want to be in charge of mine? I love art, tattoos, and anything visual. I have always been open about this with you and others. This is not a shock to my Baptist family nor do I pretend to be someone I am not at church. You do not have to agree with me. That is totally ok. But last time I checked…I am over 18…… Actually, add 10 years to 18 and we are closer to my actual age. So let’s all just calm down and do our own thing as adults. Sound good? I am not less of a person because of art on the wall or on my body. It’s art either way. Just so you don’t forget, I am good enough.

The point of this letter is not to blast you to hell. I understand that you come from a different background, have a different career, and are pretty much from a different world than I am. My goal is to help you realize the effect your words, looks, gossip, and questions have on people. Judging people before you have walked in their shoes is not fair. I’m not asking you to understand me but I am requesting that you accept me as I am. Because I am worth that. I have worked, struggled, traveled, lost, and cried too hard to be made to feel I am less. I’m going to walk this road alone before I have people next to me that make me feel like that.

It ends here this time.

I may be a people pleaser but I will no longer exert energy trying to please you. I deserve so much better.

With kindness and hope that one day you will change,

 

Jenny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our Little Garden

 

My grandfather and boyfriend planted a little garden last weekend. They planted tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, red/green/yellow pepper, jalapenos, banana pepper, and cucumber. The plants are looking really good. Picture above is when vegetables were first planted a week ago.

Picture below is of vegetables  5/5/16 . I need to get a better picture because of the shade but they are definitely taller! 🙂

It was nice having my grandmother and grandfather come stay with us. I really enjoyed that. I made Gaga a lot of coffee and we road out to Folly Beach. She wanted to just stay in the car but I wanted her to see the ocean. So see it and step in it she did!

Jeremy made a good meal for us too. It was a lot of fun.

I miss simplicity

Everything these days has to do with technology. Kids are staring at screens and couples are entranced with their phones. No one writes anymore. I never see kids in trees and rarely on bikes. My boyfriend told me the other day that I am one of the only people he knows that still uses CDs. When I went to the bank and asked for a check register to track my money, they actually laughed and said “you still use those?”

I hate it. It’s sad. People are in debt because they don’t know how to track their money. Divorce rate is skyrocketing most likely because couples have no idea how  to communicate. Romance would be a lot better with written letters. Adults would have a different view of life if they had grown up climbing trees.

I still try to choose simplicity though. I enjoy  creating, write things, and keep a desire to travel. I need to use my feet more to get places, not just dream of them. ❤

 

Crazy Exhausted

This has been a crazy exhausting few months. In January, I had bronchitis. After that fun stuff… I had a few stronger weeks only to get hit with a Upper Respiratory infection. In the past 3 weeks I have been to the doctor 4 times. The first time, I was given and antibiotic and saline for my nebulizer, told I had a upper respiratory infection, and to take those meds. The second time I came back, I had ear pain, check congestion, coughing, and feeling miserable. I believe this time a coupon for a free inhaler and a cough medicine with codeine was added. I was also given a steroid shot. This is the one and only time I did feel better the next day. Thinking maybe it was the shot? However, I continued to decline and get worse after that day. Third time I came back in to the doctor I  saw a different doctor again. (This is a walk in clinic type deal). He told me that though I still felt miserable, he did not believe I had any more infection. Another antibiotic was not added, blood was not drawn, I was given another steroid shot (per my request hoping this would help), and some steroid pills for 4-5 days.

Two days later, my chest is tighter, Jeremy says I sound like I am wheezing when I am asleep, my neck is swollen and painful, ears hurting, coughing, spitting up, head feels like it is going to explode, chest pain…..  nebulizer is no longer working well and I am up all night with sweats. Called my aunt today after work. She said go back in and demand an x ray. I got to see the same doctor this time as well. I was fearful of that because I thought surely he is going to send me out the door telling me all is okay.

The FIRST thing he says when he walks into my room is that “he reviewed my file” with a look of extreme concern. He has NOW realized that from Jan-March I have been sick (with two different sicknesses). Why he did not review my chart two days ago is concerning to me…. Seeing that I was worse, he immediately ordered a CBC and a chest xray. Took forever to take my blood because apparently I did not have any…. after sticking me three times it worked……

White blood count was 1850  which is very high. He said that on steroids it should be higher (around 1600) but NOT 1900. I am still mind blown that 48 hours before I was told I had no infection. The Xrays were not as bad as the doctor said he had predicted. I definitely have a bad bronchitis and he can see it going through my lungs. Changed up all meds. Put me on a new nose spray and a strong drug called Levequin. My entire body hurts and since coming home tonight I have thrown up twice.

Had I not gone back in, I would have been mis diagnosed. I would have actually probably ended up in the hospital very shortly from collapsing.  I have had Mono…I have had Phemonia…. and I can honestly say I have NEVER felt this sick.

Please think about me right now as I am feeling very sick, defeated, and weak. Just wanted to write about it because in some small way, I am sure this helps. Nothing like chicken noodle soup at 1 : 30 AM.

The dark side of being a veterinary assistant

I get the question often “is your job fun?” There are few questions that make me stutter out an answer and smile than this question.

I want to first say that I take my  job extremely seriously. It’s rewarding and inspiring to see people work double shifts in the name of helping animals and each other. And nothing beats comforting an animal while knowing you are silently making a difference to them.

With that being said, I have never worked harder in my entire life. There are days I get in my car and cry all the way home. Part of being a veterinary assistant is participating in the passing of an animal.  You also witness the look of heartbreak on pet owners faces when it is time to say goodbye or the moment they learn unexpectedly that their beloved friend will not recover. As an assistant, I have to hold it together. It takes so much strength to not break down.

Today felt hard. I came home with my body aching and my heart feeling heavy. I cried on the way home and fell asleep in the early afternoon because physically and emotionally, I had nothing left. My boyfriend wanted me to go out to eat with his cousin but the thought of going anywhere and meeting with anyone, felt all too exhausting. By the way, unless your significant other is in the same career field, this job will take its toll on your relationship.

For anyone considering this career, you need to understand that this job requires above and beyond what most humans posses. You have to acknowledge on a daily basis that all you can do is your best and that at the end of the day, this has to be enough. There are so many things, decisions, moments, and ideas that you have absolutely no say in.  You must always respect your doctors, listen to your nurses, and do exactly as you are told.

Assistants are responsible for feeding and monitoring patients,  opening and closing the clinic, shift change cleaning list, they scrub/autoclave/ wrap surgical items, all used surfaces are wiped down, every cage used is disinfected, weekly cleaning list, blood work, fecals, staining, assisting in x ray and ultrasound, answering phones, going in patients rooms with doctors, restraining, helping clients to their car, recording everything being sent out (bloodwork/fecals/ other), making medical notes, invoicing, scheduling, putting events on the white board, setting up or breaking down surgery, putting away dental items, laundry, dishes, etc.  Some days you are the only assistant and you are still expected to do all of the above during your shift.

It is hard. It is so hard some days. There are days where you don’t have time to eat. Not even a snack because you are so busy.  I have definite moments where I feel extremely light headed or past physically exhausted. Since having this job I have kept an upset stomach daily.

Being a veterinary assistant is work. It takes a big heart and an extreme drive. I am honored to be able to help the patients that I do and to be there to comfort when others have to pass. ❤

I just wanted to write about some of the realities of this career. This job is not “fun” or “easy.” Days where I leave my job on time, smiling, and stress free are GREAT days. There are those days! But before going into this, make sure you understand EVERYTHING that is involved. For as rewarding as this career is, it requires a lot of sacrifice.

 

I took this picture a few weeks ago of a tree outside of our apartment. The closer I got to it the more it appeared to be lit up like a Christmas tree. The edges of the branches too here lit with a thin line of white light. I have never before seen something like this. The way the sun was hitting this tree was gorgeous. I feel like God knew I needed to see something good.

Something I also thought of today is that I don’t see things the same way when I see them again. For instance, I can go back out to this tree and not see it like this photograph shows. I past by a different area that I photographed earlier today and did not get the same inspired feeling to photograph it. It is interesting how when we are feeling or longing for something, we seek out a way to turn our answers (or questions) into art. And when that moment has past or when we are at a different place, we see things differently. I just think that is cool 🙂  .

 

 

The Struggle is Real

Today I found these canvases at Goodwill…..

 

I almost tripled the money I paid on them within 15 minutes of putting them up for sale.

I then spent the next several hours using ALL the money doing laundry at the laundry mat . -_-

The struggle is real………….

 

 

I think I am under water

 

I don’t remember the last time I was this sick. It literally feels like I am underwater. My ears have pressure, my nose is irritated, my lips are chapped, I have a horrible cough, sinuses draining, eyes are running and burn…..  Not sure what is NOT wrong momentarily haha.

Thankfully, I got qualified for a more affordable insurance in December and it started in January. I have not been really sick in over a year. Jeremy even told me he was unsure if the monthly payment would be worth it. Boy, is he eating those words. The majority of the meds in the above picture were $0-$10. My two doctors appointments in the last WEEK were $20 each. I had blood work and an x ray that my insurance took care of. As miserable as I feel, I  must be truly thankful. I am not only thankful for insurance but that I live in a country where getting medicine, seeing a doctor, and being able to eat a warm meal is possible.

I do not have pneumonia which is what the doctor feared earlier today before blood test and xray. I just have really bad bronchitis. I am on an inhaler (for wheezing), Suphedrine non drowsy (congestion), Prednisone (for congestion), Benzonotate (pills for AM cough), Hydrocod (PM cough), Cefdinir (antibiotic) , and Flonase (nose spray). I’ve taken two days off of work.

If you would not mind, please say a prayer or think about me. I could use some strength. Thank you ❤

Something to make you smile… saw this on facebook….

New Year

I turned 28 years old yesterday 🙂 . I didn’t make any major new years resolutions though. I would like to eat healthier, be healthier physically, and also get healthier mentally this year. I would like to start spending time with people again. There are a few people that I need to say goodbye to as well.

I did want to write what I accomplished in 2015

2015 accomplishments

 Went through and had my divorce finalized

Left one vet and started working full time at BFVH

Became a Veterinary Assistant

Met, started a relationship, and moved in with Jeremy

Went through a VW Cabrio (leaked horribly), VW Jetta (I burned out two clutches trying to learn stick shift), and a Nissan Versa (still have but recently wrecked).

Bought my first glass door book case

Bought my first little prelit white light Christmas tree

Bought first NIKON with money I saved from selling a variety of things.

Bought and paid for my own insurance plan.

Bought my first Polaroid

Tried Asparagus for the first time (it is not as terrible as I have always heard!!!)

Started pet sitting for clients

No matter how hard things get, I need to remember to be really proud of myself for the above things.  Cheers to a new year!

Christmas 2015

 

We went to Jeremie’s parents house for Christmas. It is a different environment than I am used to. It’s decorated, neat, and at times overwhelming. They played a secret Santa gift exchange (with everyone in their family in the same room) and I ended up getting a Tervis turtle cup which I was thrilled about. I think that is the first Tervis I have ever owned. His mom fixed me scrambled eggs, bacon, and berry English Muffin. I can’t help wondering if I had grown up like this, how it would have been different for me. There was a huge bathtub which I did take a bath in 🙂 How amazing would it be to have a bathtub that your whole body fit into hahah. Jeremy and I did some exploring on the way there and drove through Mclullenville  and took some pictures before arriving at his families house in Garden City, SC (near Myrtle Beach).  The Sky wheel is not too far away. It is that big Ferris wheel on the beach.

I need to travel more.

I still feel sad, lonely, and lost a lot. Christmas was nice but it was almost like when you read a really good book. It is an amazing story but at some point, you have to come back to your reality.

Red Bird

Vintage Frame

 

I have been working on this frame. It was a gold color which I was not a fan of at all. I think the designs on it though are really cool looking. I decided to paint it red and black. I am still working on a few more coats (as you can tell the gold is showing), but over all I am really pleased with how this came out 🙂 .  I already have a buyer!

Sometimes you have to write stuff down…

Hoping everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I WISH I had a camera when I had a convertible pull up next to me, top down, with a massive doll house box that took up 3/4 the car 🙂 .

 Today for me has felt very intense. I have been sick for the past few days but was worse today. Woke up at 5:30 AM to get ready for work at the kennel. Here are some things that happened today that I hope one day I can look back and laugh:

• While trying to plug in the toaster, I unplug the scented oil thing from socket (not realizing it is on). Red wax spills out all over the wall, me, the cabinet, on the toaster, and all over the scented plug in. Thankfully, it was not that hot. Still, a FML moment
• I make it to work (thankfully I have one other person helping me).  Several of the dogs crapped in their runs. Others ended up crapping on the floor (AFTER they had gone for a walk). Then while trying to clean a run of a dog, they hose down the dog toy bin, all the toys, and another boarding dogs gate (and sheets) with urine.
• After getting off work, I go to a cafeteria and get take out Thanksgiving. The guy carving the turkey hardly had ANY left on his turkey. I swear that my turkey serving could fit in the palm of my hand. In all fairness, they had a line out the door. Those people will probably be getting a thanksgiving meal minus the turkey.
• I then go home to eat and fall asleep in bed. Set the alarm to wake back up to pet sit. When I wake back up, I feel even sicker. I notice that my chest is tight. Of course I can’t find my vicks vapor rub in the house. I leave to petsit and decide I will pick up the vicks vapor rub on the way home.
• I stop by Target and get a GREAT parking spot. Things are looking good. I then grab some Starbucks which did not take too long. I also grab a $2 reusable Christmas cup.
• 
• After making my way back to the pharmacy section, I notice that a large area is sectioned off with people in red shirts guarding it. I then realize it is for the massive line of people that keeps going and going and going. Long story short, I decided that waiting 3 hours in line for a $7 thing of Vicks was a little excessive… so I left ASAP.
• Finally went to Wallgreens and discovered the sick stash I was looking for. I devoured that entire box of Mac & Cheese tonight.
• 
• While cooking the mac and cheese I realized I put on the wrong burner. I switched the pots and put it on the right burner but in the process I leaned against the hot pot. Of course I was holding a plastic trash bag so it completely stuck to the pot. Meanwhile, I opened the freezer for some ice and two large frozen pizzas and a thing of popsicles dove onto the floor. -_-
• However, with all that being said, I now have medicine in me. I have Vicks rubbed on me. I have Sprite and OJ to drink. I ate a huge bowl of Mac & Cheese for dinner. I made it through a day of work that few probably would have shown up for if they were as sick as I am. So yeah, I am proud of myself for pushing through it. I’m super thankful for my dog, my boyfriend, my family, the ability to get thanksgiving food today despite working, and Amy today who worked her ass off with me at work to help pull us through that. She always does it while making me laugh too which is awesome. ❤
• I’m also SO close to a new camera I can taste it… so close.

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It’s hard not to feel bitter.

I know my posts are not the most positive these days.

It is just hard not to feel bitter….

I recently decided to call a sliding scale health clinic to  make an appointment to get some birth control.

For those that don’t know, a sliding scale clinic takes your pay stub and decides how much you are charged. Literally, a computer decides how much you are going to pay.

I drive way out into Johns Island, SC to find this clinic. Forrest is all around me and I am waiting for a herd of deer to spring in front of my car.

When I get there and fill out paperwork, the computer decided I qualify for  $35 appointments. I pay this and wait in a clinic full of very sick people for what feels like forever.

Finally, I am called back into a room with a small window and no magazines. Actually, unless you are interested in how to know if you have Ebola, there was NOTHING to read.

And of course I left my phone in the car.

Finally, the nurse comes in. I guess she was a nurse because there was no doctor in front of her name.  She doesn’t state she is a nurse though..

Long story short, she examines me, tells me I need a pregnancy test first, is going to send me home with an order for blood work, and orders the birth control I want. (it is chew-able because I have a hard time taking pills).

I pay another $18 for a pregnancy test.

Then, they say they sent my prescription to my pharmacy. They tell me to take two discount pharmacy cards. On the card it states that 75% of medications FDA approved are covered etc etc.

I go to Target today and bring these cards. One card takes NOTHING off of my $100 birth control. The other takes $2 dollars. $2 fucking dollars. I explain to the pharmacist that I do not have money to pay this every month. There is no way. Is there any other kind of flavored birth control that she would recommend. She says she does not know of anything. I leave the medication there feeling defeated.

I went and bought a Starbucks Chestnut Praline Latte and call it a fucking day.

The fact that full time workers cannot get health insurance, dental insurance, and vision insurance is mind blowing to me. Maybe in some cases people can get medicaid or medicare. I do not have children and work too many hours to qualify for full coverage anything. One of those offered me one appointment every two years. Wow. Thanks.

I am over today.

Fuck Everyone Elses Grass

 

You know, looking at other peoples grass just causes a shit storm. Seriously. Here are a few things that spying on other peoples grass (relationship and/or life) can cause:

-Extreme intense jealousy of others grass and all that is built upon it.

-Cheating (because your neighbors grass looks so much better than your own right now). You want to have your grass and cut someone else’s too….BAD IDEA

-Regret that  had you made different past choices,your grass could look just like theirs right now.

-Comparisons between your grass and their grass. Whose grass is longer, whose looks more healthy, more green, more breathtaking…

-Sadness and defeat that your grass could never look as good as theirs. Or that yours is not growing nearly as fast.

People, I mean this with kindness,  stay on your damn grass. Stop judging, comparing, advising, and just being damn nosy in others lives. Work on your relationships and put everything you have into them. Create and build a life that you look forward to coming home to every day. Know that absolutely no ones life is perfect. Those people that come out of their houses looking top notch and have pristine Christmas cards each year could be some of the most miserable and lonely people on the planet. Their dinner table may be silent, their house environment icy, and the sex non existent.

Also: please don’t assist others in doubting their own grass. Don’t put people’s lives down that you know or brag causing others to think they must really be missing out on literally everything. Though it may feel good to do these things in the moment, just consider that it may be sending someone else into a backward spiral.

Just saying, if you don’t love the way your life looks right now then that is okay. Work on it and built up and/or rearrange things. Despite the temptation to pull out the binoculars and pear over the hedges in the yard, please don’t. You hurt yourself and those that you love by looking at mirages.

That’s all. Goodnight

Dreamed of Death

Last night I had a very unusual dream. I am reading a book similar so I am sure this is where the inspiration came from. I dreamed that I died, and yet was still on earth. As in, I was a ghost that was slowly fading away. People around  me still knew I was there but they also realized it was coming to an end. I remember my mom saying she had to throw away my body. (lovely right?). I felt panicked because I was still there, still felt the energy of life, and still wanted to say goodbye.  I knew I had one day left and decided to post an actual facebook status stating what was happening and that I would no longer be here (If this isn’t a sign I should be on facebook less I don’t know what is haha) . People thought it was a joke and that someone had put me up to it. I woke up and for the first time in a very long time, felt relief that I was in face alive and breathing. The depression thing makes you forget you want to live.  It makes you so sad that you (on many  many days) just want to be in a dark room to disappear. As scary as that dream was, I probably needed a reminder that involved positivity towards life.

Vintage Photographs

These are just a few photographs I took using my Samsung S4 phone. I am really close to being able to get another DSLR. Until then, I have been using the everything out of my camera phone. I can’t really explain what inspires me. Sometimes it is the colors, the location, or the story. Here are a few taken in November of 2015.

Silence is Loud

I’ve realized that silence is ironically very loud. There are all different types of silence. Some types occur naturally while others occur due to unsettling events. Here are my interpretations:

Intellectual Silence: you can find this in a library or at a place of business that involves software developers swimming in a sea of computers. This silence feels intelligent, focused, and out of most peoples intellectual understanding. So many thoughts are floating around in the air that one knows not to speak, so as not to disturb the spider web of thoughts occurring.

Awkward Silence: That silence that comes after witnessing an event or overhearing words that should have never occurred.  There is not any room in the air for comments, gestures, or other expressions after what just happened. For a moment, you forget your language, and just want to disappear.

Forced Silence: This occurs when a persons options are limited. Jobs force people to conform and in doing so, cause a forced silence among employees. Before even getting a job one will often see or hear: no tattoos, no piercings, no jewelry, no raises, and/or no benefits. One smiles and acts as if this is all they have ever wanted. Maybe, sometimes it is. But for those of us who understand forced silence, we are desperate and do what we can to survive.

Peaceful Silence: This can be found when rain is falling and one does not have to wake up, when sitting by the fireplace with someone you love,  when wrapping your arms around your dog after a hard day,  leaning against your lovers chest, and after the exhale of relief from someone financially helping you out.  This silence reminds you that you are going to be ok, that tomorrow is in fact going to come, and that most of all there is hope.

Painful Silence: This occurs when there are just no words to speak. Everything in ones heart feels so heavy that verbalizing something would not even touch the problem or loss.  This silence occurs when feeling trapped, burned out, looking at ones bank account, tired from the lack of options, or having lost someone to death. This silence is dangerous because it symbolizes a persons pain is so severe that they cannot vocalize it.

Religious Silence: Regardless of what religion you are, there is most likely some point in which you choose to pray, meditate, or sit peacefully to focus. This silence occurs out of respect for something greater than anyone can truly understand.

Shocked Silence: That moment right after someone tells you or someone near you something that is negative, hurtful, and offensive. This moment can cause a person to feel nauseous, feverish, and extremely resentful.

Because silence has become so loud, I do not seek comfort in it the way I used too. As you get older, the curtain is pulled back, as the show begins. You see things as they are as opposed to how you wish them to be. It is a whole different world.

Travel Canvases I Made

FOR SALE: $20

I made these travel canvases. I just came up with the idea to mod podge scrap book paper to canvas and add an emelishment on them. I really love how they turned out. I also made this droor below. It sold this AM 🙂 It is hard selling things I made because sometimes I honestly want to keep them. I never feel like I get my moneys worth for selling them because art takes so much time. However, I want a camera and am going to continue on towards that goal one dollar at a time. Here is a closer look at the canvases and the droor. The canvases are still for sale so if by chance someone sees this and wants them, please post on here! I can easily put them on my etsy site and you could buy from there. Three 8×10’s for $20

SOLD

Up Close of canvases

Saying Goodbye

Today, Atlas, a very loved clinic cat that belonged to all of us at my vet office was put down. Everyone working there has taken care of him in some way and just the same, Atlas has touched their lives. You could find him posted on the front counter as people came into the vet hospital or sleeping in his favorite spot under the computer. I loved caring for him and really am going to miss him so very much.

Before leaving today, the doctor called us all into the treatment area and told us it was time to say goodbye to Atlas, as he was suffering from a medical condition that has worsened. I’ve never before been in a professional setting, surrounded by people, and witnessed every single person in that room start crying. You could see the pain on everyone’s faces and literally feel the extreme sadness in the air. We were given the option to stay or go for the euthanasia. No one left. I took a picture of everyone touching him at once and some people saying goodbye. I took this picture:

I cried in the office along with everyone else, I cried in my car, and I cried when I got home. As much as I did not want to watch him go, I wanted to be there. It was an odd feeling. The room felt united with all of us there together. All of us losing him. For twenty or so minutes, we were all on the same page. .We were hurting.

RIP Atlas ❤

DayThreeCreations by Allison

I found Allison’s shop, DayThreeCreations, to be really unique. It felt more like I was walking through a beautiful field of flowers than I was visiting an Etsy store. Allison makes gorgeous prints of flowers, ferns, and trees in nature. Each print is unique and one of a kind.  If you are looking to add some zen to your house, I would highly recommend checking this store out. These prints could be used in literally any room in a household. They would also make wonderful gifts! I encourage you to stop by DayThreeCreations and read about how it got started in the Etsy interview below.

What is your shop name and why did you choose it? My shop name is Day Three Creations

The name was inspired by Genesis 1:11-13 which says, “Then God said, ‘Let the earth sprout vegetation: plants yielding seed, and fruit trees on the earth bearing fruit after their kind with seed in them’, and it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed after their kind, and trees bearing fruit with seed in them, after their kind; and God saw that it was good. There was evening and there was morning, a third day.” Plants were created on day three, hence, Day Three Creations.

When did your shop open? My shop opened October 1st, 2013

What inspired you to focus on nature? At a young age I developed an enthusiasm for both art and science. Later on, I earned a master’s degree in botany, but after starting a family and becoming a home school mom, I wanted to start an at-home business to help with our income. So, my husband and I decided that making scientific pressed botanicals as artwork and opening a shop on Etsy was the perfect job for me. It’s also the perfect blend of my love for nature and art!

Who taught you do do your art?

Making scientifically labeled pressed botanicals (called herbarium specimens) was something I learned from my studies in college. I took a class called “plant identification” and it was taught by Colorado State University herbarium manager, Jennifer Ackerfield. Of course, the purpose of learning how do do this wasn’t for art. The artistic part is something that has partly come naturally to me and partly through trial and error.

Where is your favorite place to collect plants?

Anywhere that’s close by and legal 🙂 The mountains of Colorado near where I grew up is also a lot of fun.

What is one of your shop goals for 2016?

We hope that by mid 2016 our little business will fully support all of our financial needs. My husband hopes to start his PhD next year and we’d love for him to just be able to focus on his studies without having to work a paying job. God has been so good to us. Even if this doesn’t happen, we know we’ll be provided for 🙂

Do you have any advice for new Etsy shop owners?

Try to find your niche market doing something you can be the best at while making a product that people want. When I started, there was only one other established artist on etsy doing something similar, but I’ve been careful not to directly compete with her as my shop has grown. Beyond having a unique and sought after product, research SEO (optimizing your listings so that you can be found within the various search engines). This is SO important – people need to find you! Third, have clear, uncluttered photographs. Fourth, have detailed and informative shop policies and item descriptions. And lastly, go above and beyond for your customers, but never compromise your brand or your family.

My etsy shop is www.daythreecreations.etsy.com

TaDa! Party Shop by Leslie

The first thing I noticed when I dropped by TaDa! Party Shop was how bright the shop felt. I felt as if I had just walked into a party. Leslie sells everything from floral cupcake liners to cute red and white popcorn bags. Something that is also awesome about TaDa! Party Shop is that the items sold there can be used in all different kinds of parties for either gender! If you need something for a birthday, bachelor, baby shower, or other kind of party, TaDa! Party Shop is worth checking out. Below is an Etsy feature on Leslie’s shop. Hope you enjoy and are able to find some things!

My shop’s name is Tada! Party Shop.
Whenever I’m finished with something, whether it’s decorating or dinner, I always say–Tada! After numerous and very unsuccessful days of trying to come up with a unique name, this *finally* popped into my head. Don’t know what took so long 😉

When did your shop open?
I opened my shop up at the end of April of this year.

What inspired you to sell party items?
I love love love decorating for parties and holidays.So, one day I was looking at all my extra supplies and wondered if others would be interested in using them as well. So, I purchased many different colors of everything and put them on Etsy!

What type of parties is your merchandise for?
The items I have are for any type of party! From gender reveal baby showers, pretty weddings, to carnival birthday parties for kiddos or a fun Sunday BBQ!

Are your products geared towards children, adults, or both?
I have lots of moms getting supplies for their sweetie’s first birthday and also women getting lots of pink/black supplies for bachelorette parties as well. 🙂 So, these party supplies are for anyone who’s having a party at any age!

What is a lesson you have learned since being on a shop owner on Etsy that you would like to share?
I’ve always just been a buyer, other than selling lemonade when I was young, so I’ve never seen the other side, which is selling. There’s a lot involved, the manufacturer, sometimes a middleman, USPS, and as a buyer I never ever thought about that. I’ve had a few issues with customers that now make me think twice and be much more patient with another sellers. An example would be when customers actually think I deliver their orders. I’m thinking they assume I work for the USPS, because they will ask why I haven’t been by their house to drop off the package they ordered. Buyers can watch the tracking of their packages on the USPS website. There was an instance where a package was stuck in a state between myself and my customer, yet in the customer’s eyes, it’s still my fault. With anyone I purchase from, I know how it works and am MUCH more accommodating.

Would you like to include any other info (Ex: links to facebook, twitter, instagram, ect?)
Instagram
Twitter

Bella Diva Beads by Jennifer Lynch

One of the first things I noticed about Jennifer Lynch’s Etsy shop, Bella Diva Beads, was the beaded Christmas ornament.  The ornament was colorful, fun, and reminded me of something I could not put my finger on. I later found out though what it was! The inspiration for this ornament was actually belly dancing. The variety of color and beads in this shop are beautiful  Below is an Etsy feature on Bella Diva Beads. I hope you enjoy it and get a chance to stop in.

What is the name of your shop and the story behind it?
My Etsy shop, Bella Diva Beads, is something that was probably a long time coming. I have been beading for as long as I can remember, even if it was just pony beads and pipe cleaners in my childhood attempts! My shop includes more than just beadwork, though. I also create wire tree art in the form of pendants, free-standing miniature sculptures, and other home décor. I made the leap from designing for myself to selling my art because of a recent move and family crisis which left me wanting a job that offered more flexibility than my teaching career allowed. Also, I love making jewelry so much, and there’s only so many times you can give jewelry for holidays and birthdays before you have to find some other outlet for all of your creations!

When did your shop open?
I opened my shop toward the end of August, so I’m just celebrating one month of business.

What inspired you to create your art?
My inspiration is split, just like the items in my store. Bead work has always been a hobby of mine, encouraged by my mother, and I am particularly inspired by organic shapes and natural elements like pearls, silk, and gemstones. I began to be more serious about my beading after I decided to become a professional Middle Eastern/belly dance artist. I wanted to design and make my own costumes and jewelry, and things flowed from there. I rediscovered the hobby I had always enjoyed.
My wire trees have an entirely different backstory. Growing up, my dad worked for the local utilities company. In his office, he had a gorgeously life-like tree made of copper wire. I always admired it and years later tried my hand making my own. The leaves are my own addition– Dad’s miniature had bare branches– and I use slightly thinner wire, but I always come back to the same style I admired growing up. Who made Dad’s original tree? An artist with a beautiful studio and precise tools? Not exactly… It was made by utilities linemen on break. They used to pull old copper wire out of the scrap heap and sit and idly twist it into trees with their hands when they had a spare minute. People always compliment me on these trees and say things like, “It’s so delicate” or “it looks like something out of a fairy forest” and I thank them and smile because I imagine the dusty workingmen sitting in the shade of their heavy machinery twisting these with their bare hands as they escaped the southern heat for a few minutes. I make my trees their way– with only a pair of wire cutters and my bare hands.

Were you self taught or did you learn from someone?
I am primarily a self-taught artist. This Etsy shop has led me into another self-taught endeavor—trying to figure out product photography and marketing. Turns out that that is a lot harder than jewelry making! As I’ve grown as an artist over the years, I’ve made up some basic rules for myself when beading:
1. Choose the right thread. Color, material, weight, everything. Without the right foundation, the rest of the work is nothing. Just ask the leaning tower of Pisa.
2. Hide the thread! Even if you choose thread that is perfect, no one wants to see it protruding from the lovely beadwork. In the beading world, I’m convinced it’s like having your underwear showing.
3. Always use three knots where one would suffice.
4. Pick beautiful materials, but also make sure to pick ones that will stand the test of time!

What goals do you have for your shop over the next year?
My goal is to have 150 items listed by the end of the calendar year and to make at least two sales a week. My items are labor intensive to make and I’m a new shop, so I’m trying to be realistic for my goals.

Do you have any advice for new Etsy shop owners?
As a new owner myself, I hardly feel qualified to give advice to new Etsy artists, except maybe to say, “Keep trying!” That’s the advice I’m trying to take for myself right now. 🙂

Folly Beach with my Chihuahua

Happy Halloween!

My vets office had a craft day to set up for their Halloween event in a few days. Jeremy and I attended bringing pumpkins and beer 🙂 . I had forgotten how gross pumpkins feel on the inside. I was sweating bullets trying to carve mine because my pumpkin was so hard. Jeremy said that it was equivalent to carving a piece of wood hahaha. I made a bat though ! His is the one with the witch 🙂

Hope everyone has a good Halloween!! Stay Safe !

Watercolor Wildlife Prints- By Sarah MacDonald

I love when I am looking through shops and something really catches my eye. When I came to Into The Wilds, by Sarah MacDonald, I found the art to be very unique. She sells watercolor prints, made up of colors and vines, of all different wildlife animals. I can see these prints being used in a nursery, children’s room, given as a shower gift, wall art for animal facilities, or gifted to an animal lover.

Below are questions I asked Sarah MacDonald about her shop and passion. I hope you enjoy. Please come back and visit me for more up and coming Etsy features!

Why did you choose your shop name?

I wanted something that represented myself and my art. I felt it was whimsical, like something from a fairy tale, and I am a bit of a whimsical person myself. More than anything though is that it ties into my inspiration and art! I grew up and live in the countryside of Canada and have always loved nature, with a big backyard of fields and forest I am always seeing animals big and small and love it, I enjoy going into the wilds and wanted others to get that from my shop.

When did your store open?

While my store technically opened on August 2013 under the name SarahMacStudios but it wasn’t working, it made two sales in two years and I wasn’t enjoying myself. In August 2015 I changed my shop name to ‘IntoTheWilds’ and had a new focus with my watercolor art.

What do you sell?

I sell watercolor art, postcards and prints. Its a bit hard to describe my style because it isn’t any conventional type of art! The feature of my art is animal silhouettes, mostly wild animals like bears and wolves, but it is more than just a silhouette, within is winding vines and vibrant flowers. There are a few of my photographs from my previous shop uo too, along with my little book of poetry ‘Small Town Wilds’ but the focus is on my watercolor art.

How did you learn to make the art in your shop?

Trial and error, and persistence… lots of persistence! I taught myself how to paint and it did not go well at all, I kept experimenting with styles and techniques, trying to follow tutorials and how to books but it got me nowhere… so I just stopped being so formal about it, threw away the books and just painted! Next thing I knew I found my own style and niche, and am loving the experience!

What is something unique about your art?

These are no ordinary silhouettes! I take hours and hours to carefully paint vines and flowers that end up creating the overall silhouette. I try to carefully consider the placement of each flower and leaf, thinking about what will draw in the eye, create a sense of movement and interest. It ends up making for something completely unique!

Explain a few things that inspire you

My own backyard is a fount of inspiration, with a big field surrounded by forests there is always inspiration lurking. We have wild apple trees that tend to draw all sorts of animals, bears and deer in particular like to munch on them!

Which leads me to my next source of inspiration, wild animals. Some nights I fall asleep to the yip of coyotes or the howl of wolves, snowy owls have passed through along with sandhill cranes, we’ve even started seeing elk just munching on leaves. Most of the silhouettes I paint are inspired directly from my observations of them, and the colors are drawn from the natural world and my impression of what color best represents each animal.

What is a challenge you have faced and how have you overcome it?

I am my own worst challenge, constantly doubting myself. I didn’t think what I was doing was all that great, I just did a few paintings for myself because I couldn’t find what I wanted out there and then people saw it and liked it. I kept thinking ‘what can a person without any art education do?’ and putting myself down. After making a few more paintings for local people and seeing how much they genuinely liked them I had to stop myself. I liked them myself, I enjoyed painting them and other people were responding well to them so what was I doing being so negative?! After making my first etsy sale I felt even better, I still have those moments of self doubt and likely always will, its just how I am, but at least I can feel proud of myself and what I am creating!

Can you give new Etsy sellers some advice?

Be persistent! It helps to keep making and creating even if no one is looking or buying. I know it can be discouraging but eventually people will find you, and when they do you’ll have a wealth of items to offer them!

More importunely though, have fun and enjoy what you are doing! It can’t just be about money, you need to enjoy yourself and enjoy creating. I know I wasn’t enjoying myself the first time around and I am sure that is a big part of why my initial shop failed. After a month IntoTheWilds already beat my previous store in sales an income, and of course, fun!

Lastly, make use of the etsy community. The forums, teams and wealth of information out there is VERY beneficial and helpful! Read up on the guidebooks, ask questions and take part in discussions, join a team and be a part of the community – you will learn a lot this way!

Please visit Sarah MacDonald’s shop by clicking —> IntoTheWilds

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Saving Eli Chance – A True Story of Recovery

Today was my eighth day working in a row. -_- It has been a LONG week. Like promised, the Dr. at my animal hospital has gotten me more on the assisting side recently.  There are moments that my job gets really heavy and exhausting. Working with people & animals is not only physically exhausting but emotionally draining. Your shifts often run late and you often get so busy that you forget to eat. Eli Chance reminds me of why I love this job.  One of our Dr.s recently went to Manning, SC to pick Eli up from a family who rescued him from the woods. He was transported to our clinic and is slowly being introduced to people and food. Something I learned is that when a dog (or person) is starving, (I don’t mean hungry I mean malnourished and literally starving) that you cannot feed them large quantities at once, as they are unable to digest it. Though Eli is very hungry, we have had to introduce soft food in small increments at a glacial pace. In a perfect world, I could have run over to sonic and gotten him about six double cheeseburgers with a large fry.   Slowly, he is getting stronger, eating more, and gaining energy.

This picture is of me working with him. Literally, you could see every bone in this dogs body 😦 . Since coming to our vet, he has learned his name, played with toys, is starting to gain weight, and has started on the path of recovering.

If you would like to donate to help Eli Chance on his journey, please do so in the link below.  From my heart to yours, thank you for reading his story and believing that the strongest of people should always remember to kneel for the smallest of creatures.

Saving Eli

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Depression and a Cruise Ship

I went to a counselor today for the first time in a while. Talking about something and doing something are two totally different beasts.  Due to my low income, it has been challenging to find any kind of help. However, my boyfriend new someone at a near hospital who referred us to a resident clinic. For anyone struggling financially, this is an awesome option.  Basically, psychiatrists have to first work as residence at a hospital before they can go into their own practice. I got a young girl that was really awesome. She seemed extremely knowledgeable about how to diagnose and things to ask.  I told the truth, gave me some of my story, and told her I wanted my quality of life to change. Based on everything I told her, she did confirm that as of right now, she feels I am struggling with depressive disorder. She gave me something to help me sleep and also an SSNRI to help me treat it.  I’m going to start going to her and see if she can help me. I have to believe this can work because I am tired and weak from battling this. My life has been a roller coaster and I need for it to slow down.

I did something new tonight too. I went on a four course dinner cruise with my boyfriend. (He gets major amazing points because he came home early from his vacation so he could take me to counseling downtown. I love him so much for that).  This cruise was interesting. I sort of liked it.  It was a cruise for his work. I was shocked when I saw the inside of this boat because it was set up like a fancy dinner. It took me a minute to take in the fact that there was fancy china and a full bar in the inside.  I learned a few things…..

1. People that eat in high class environments eat with WAY too many forks. I not only had a fork on both sides of  my plate but I had one above it too. I was told to start from the outside and work my way in. Why? I mean, I just need one fork. I picked up one and my boyfriend said it was the wrong one. What? Seriously? It is a fork……    Maybe it is a poor person thing but I think it is insane. It is like grabbing a handful of silverware and handing it out to each person while saying, sorry if you end up with six spoons. hahahahah…..

2. Four course meals don’t have many selections (at least not on this cruise. For instance, they TOLD us we would be having shecrab soup (I don’t eat fish) and  Salad with watermelon (umm wtf? fruit on lettuce…no). Thank goodness they let us choose our main dish. This main dish is the only reason I survived that cruise thing without chewing off my own arm from starvation. I chose the chocolate cake with coconut. Sounded good. Was fucking awful. Like they served me something that had the texture of a chocolate brick with a tiny puff of whipped cream on it. Apparently, the coconut got shot to hell several years ago….. anyway so that was interesting.

3. I get horrible dizziness when eating next to windows that are horizontal to the direction the boat is going. Due to how we were positioned, for the longest time I thought the boat was going side ways. Can a boat even drive sideways!?! who knows but this is what I thought until I realized we were going straight. The water was relaxing but for some reason the motion made me feel ick.

I will post some pictures tomorrow but did want to post this up because I am proud that I sought help today ❤

Sunflowers and a Peanut Butter Sandwhich at 1 : 30 AM

I am as awake as this sunflower photograph I took above. It is 1:30 in the freakin morning and I want a peanut butter sandwich. So… I made one.  Yesterday, I went to church, went to the gym, and then worked for six more hours. I do not understand why I am struggling with sleep???

 

So while I am downing my sandwich, I also want to vent for a minute. Have you ever felt really led to do something. Whether it be that you heard a church sermon (like me) or something motivated you? I felt led today to reach out to someone (who really was not a supportive friend during my divorce) and apologize to them for how hard it must have been being in the position they were. Let me explain, this person was a friend of mine (more of a childhood friend) but BEST FRIENDS with the girl that hooked up with my now x husband. It was very complicated. Anyway, long story short, I messaged her tonight and gave her a genuine apology for my anger towards her and opened the door for us to be friends again.  Let us just say that it pretty much got shut in my face. I was told that we could still be friends but not close friends, that it was hard to follow people when they lived so far away, that we should not be friends if it is going to cause other people stress, etc. The response was cold, short, and very un-interested. There was not even a thanks for apologizing in there. It really made me feel like I wasted my time. I guess if nothing else, I can say that I tried.

My Canon DSLR has pretty much croaked. I made the  mistake of taking it places like the beach, dog park, kennel, etc. To get it looked at/fixed it will probably cost me near what it would cost to just get another one. I have really enjoyed it and all the pictures it took! I will definitely keep it as a reminder of the travels. Next on my list to buy is definitely a camera. These flower pictures are from my last trip on my way back to Charleston, SC from Norfolk, VA to visit Jordan and Jay.  I saw a small sunflower field thing off to the side of the road. I definitely pulled over and took several shots. I wish I had stayed longer because I do love these pictures. I continue to believe that my best pictures were taken from the side of the road 🙂

This says so much about my job as a Kennel Technician LOL

DIY EASY How to Painted Mason Jars

HOW TO MAKE PAINTED MASON JARS

Supplies:

mason jar (s) – use as many as you want to paint!

A few sponge brushes (can buy at Michaels for cheap)

1 small bottle of black chalkboard paint

1 bottle of Krylon Crystal Clear Acrylic Coating 1303 Spray (this gives mason jars a protective gloss finish that is moisture resistant).

1-however many bottles of colored acrylic paint you want to buy. They range in price from 79 cents-$2 a piece at Michaels.

Step 1: Buy two mason jars. You can find these at consignment stores (like Goodwill) sometimes, Walmart, or Michaels, etc.

Step 2. Use your sponge brush to apply one light coat of black chalk board paint.

Wait an hour before applying color.

(excuse our cat Bella as she photobombs in the background 🙂

Step 3. Use sponge brush and paint one light coat of paint (color of your choice).  Check the drying time on your bottle of paint. I used FolkArt paint. The drying time was ONE HOUR between coats.  The shades I used were 639 French Blue and 1625 Fresh Foliage (this was an outdoor acrylic paint).

Finished Product:

The link where I learned how to do this:

Love Of Family And Home

Do you ever feel like you are slowly suffocating?

I have always been open about struggling with depression. But something that I also often feel is suffocated.

EXAMPLES:

1. When our apartment is a mess, my boyfriend sees it as just that, a mess. I don’t think it bothers him too much, as he is a typical guy when it comes to cleanliness. Where as if we have dirty dishes and some things cluttering on the floor, I literally feel like I can’t  breathe.  I guess my life has been so chaotic that I NEED my environment to be clean with a passion. Anything other and I pretty much feel like I am dying.

2. School.  I work full time (aka six days a week). My one prerequisite before being able to apply for the Vet Tech program is Biology. I hate biology. I have always failed biology. (excuse how negative I sound). I already feel so burned out. And yet I now have a lab two days a week and an online class on top of working. It has not even started yet and I feel like I am suffocating.

3.  My relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I have a great relationship with a wonderful guy. There are a lot of days when I am happy. But then there are other days when my depression has me feeling down, sad, and defeated. My boyfriend always wants to fix it so he asks “what is wrong,” “did I do anything,” and never forgets to remind me that “you have been like this for the past few days.” I always have to re explain that I can’t help it, that I don’t know what is wrong, and that he is not causing it. It’s exhausting. All I want to do is rent a hotel and curl up in a bed while watching cable and forget about it all. Living with him, he would not understand this. He would freak out and probably think I was suicidal. When in all reality, I just want to escape for a day. I don’t want to talk or see anyone. I don’t want to turn on the lights or answer the phone. Instead, on days I feel like that I have to try extra hard to be someone I am not to make my relationship keep functioning. This can feel so suffocating sometime. I don’t feel like it is ever perfectly ok for me to be not ok.

4. The money I make. I love my career don’t get me wrong. I just can’t imagine being able to support myself and pay my bills off of it. I could technically get a second job if this school thing does not work out. Then I could potentially pay rent at a very sketch place. With that being said, I would only be sleeping there because the majority of the time I would be working around the clock.  It is hard to get inspired to stick through school when I know the reality is, even after school, I still will be in a similar financial situation.  It feels suffocating.

Sorry for the vent. This has been one of those days.

Wanderlust

 One day, I want to go everywhere.

Two new bows and new Etsy shop

I loved the above quote 🙂

I made these two bows tonight. I’m getting better at it 🙂

I am going to open a new Etsy shop and add things other than just photography.  One really nice thing about items made of fabric and ribbon is that they are LIGHT (aka low shipping!!)  I will post the link on here when I open the new shop.

I have also started a new book called One Child by Torey Hayden. I just happened to see it at Goodwill.  It is about a special ed teacher, her class, and her one in particularly challenging child. This child was abused and abandoned. She did not cry, always acted out, and normally refused to speak. This is a TRUE STORY.  I am on Chapter 3 but already recommend it!!! It is intense!

Your Environment Changes It All…. (long)

I want to post one other thing tonight.  I feel like it is essential to understand that before we can accomplish much of anything, we have to be in a safe & supportive environment. When I used to live with my mom (up until I was 21 and thrown out) I did not accomplish jack shit. Don’t get me wrong… I TRIED. As an example, I took and completed an entire CNA course. When it came to taking the state test though, I did not go. I “felt” like I would fail.  What I didn’t realize was that my environment was causing me to feel defeated. Because of this, EVERYTHING felt like a defeat. I personally felt like I was a failure at life because of the plate I had been handed.

For a time period I lived in Greenville, SC in an attempt to get out of my living situation with my mom. I slept on an air matress on my grandmothers floor. Though I slept in front of a TV, all she wanted me watching was the Hallmark channel. I loved (and still love her very much) HOWEVER, the living situation was not workable due to lack of space. Despite the situation, I started a college while living with her in Greenville to be a personal trainer. (I have been grasping at straws my entire life trying to figure out what to do.) I thought I was not good at anything, when in reality, my anxiety and depression were so intense that I could not think, much less have self confidence. My “chances’ were all used up by staying alive. How I did not somehow end up in a gang or overdose on drugs is beyond me. My aunt once told me I could have been a statistic. It is true. Anyway, I dropped out of college in Greenville. I was burned out, pretty homeless, and scared.

After the short stint in college in Greenville in 2008 I got into a community college in Chesapeake VA. I liked it because it was small. I was in a serious relationship and new I would have food every day. We struggled but I felt safe. I feel like this was a turning point for me. I took courses online and started to work towards finishing an Associate of Arts degree. I was dating someone though that never seemed to be able to understand why I could not make enough money. It felt to me as if he wanted me to work full time and go to school full time. He never pushed me to go into what I loved. Instead, he got excited when I mentioned careers that made money. WHY THIS WAS NOT A RED FLAG I DO NOT KNOW. I should have loved myself more…. instead  I said yes when he asked me to marry him.

While I was planning our wedding (my best friend and I literally had already gone cake testing) he backed out. I remember him saying these words “you can stay as long as you need” very shortly after he told me he was not ready. I crumpled on the floor next to the couch holding a blanket. I don’t think I have ever been the same since that day. Want to talk about feeling like nothing…..

I ended up “moving” back to SC. I had no where to live. My best friend literally bought me a matress off craigslist. She lived in a small apartment next to her parents house. She was going through a really rough time but instead of turning me away, she put a mattress in her room next to her bed and let me live there for the next few months. Since I was in school, this time I did not drop out. I remember literally falling asleep with books on top of me. I got a teaching assistant position at an early care and education center on James Island. My friend worked at another daycare facility. We struggled and made next to nothing. I forget what we ate but I can remember pasta and frozen meals. Also, that fruit in the plastic cups. She bought me coffee and jewelry when I came down. We also made cookies and her dad took a picture of us when they were done. Anyway…. this living situation felt hard. I literally didn’t know where I belonged and missed the person that had victimized me. So of course, I call him and beg for me to pay rent and come back and live with him. for a while Yeah, I was that fucked up.  He let me so I up and left my best friends apartment with very little warning at all. Looking back, I wish I had stayed. I really do.

Well, my x and I ended up getting back together. I finished my Associate of Science degree in Social Sciences. I really believe this was because I felt like I had a home and was safe. I nannied and worked for a daycare as an Assistant Teacher. I have no idea how I did that. Today, I am not all that fond of kids. I had no idea in these moments who I even was. I functioned as only a person can that has been through trauma. Almost two years into our marriage, my x told me on Christmas night AT MY IN LAWS HOUSE that he wanted a divorce.

That is another post all together…..

Between 2014-2015 I moved 4 times. To Jess’s , Katt’s, Rebecca’s, and Jeremies. I was exhausted from the Transitions. I went through having a Silverado, VW Cabrio, VW Jetta, and a Nissan Versa in this same time period. My hair started turning white even on my arms and eye brows. I cried all the time. With no money for shoes or an umbrella, I tried going to a very expensive private school with the idea that if I became a teacher, I could have good insurance and summers off. I knew I used to love kids After feeling like death trying to survive religion class (required) and taking health…oh and crying on the way home every day….. I realized either it was school or my job. One had to go or I was literally the second foot was going into the grave. I also realized while there that my major did not excite me. I no longer have a “passion” for kid. There was a time i was there …. 😦 . I have morphed into one of those “if they are my kids I would love them but everyone elses can stay back” people that I never understood. Once again, because I could not complete my major, I felt like a failure. I “dropped out” which felt to me as if I gave up. There were even moments where I regretted leaving school. I should not though. I made the right choice.

LESSON: Sometimes, choosing to walk away is a better option than completing a task.

And once again, my living situation SUCKED. I lived with a roommate that had a lock box over the AC (wish I had taken a picture) and who would not allow me to check the mail. She was also somehow always at work or always home. I drove a stick shift car too that I blew out two clutches on. I was miserable.

Fast forward another almost 2 years (after our divorce was finally finalized June 2015), I live with my sweet boyfriend who has aloud me to work and pay off my bills. I work for a veterinary office now and have realized that this is what I love doing.  I have made a few student loan payments while living here and have paid off my credit card. I sleep in and over all feel as if I am now making smarter decisions. I’m trying to learn how to save and my boyfriend is helping me with that.  I am going to start school again in August. My goal now is to become a Vet Tech.  It’s going to be a long road but I am about to start out on it. I still break down and cry from what I have been through. Some days, it all feels heavy and unfair. Jeremy will lay his head on me as I lie on my stomach and break down. Then, it all feels easier after.

My point to all of this is that your environment really does change it all. Nothing is cake but it should also not feel like walking over hot coals. I now feel that your FIRST priority should be your living situation. SECOND education. Some may disagree but I personally do not understand how one can complete courses and advance job wise when their home life is crappy. It’s  hard to know who you even are, what you want to go into, and what it is that will make you actually happy when you have so many other things preventing those answers. You don’t want to start something with the cards stacked against you. I went to a college without a desk, printer, etc. I had the motivation but not the equipment I needed. I wen to college when I slept on an air mattress. If I could have done it over I would have…..

#1. Stayed put. If he loved me, he could stay in my state (so I could get in state tuition) while I go my degree

#2 If at all possible, not worked full time. Working full time and school caused me to burn out big time. I had nothing left. The motors stopped before the semester was over. For those that have to work full time, I encourage going to school PART TIME. There is no shame in taking 1-2 classes. There is no rush, this is not a race.

#3. Not made a decision on my major when I was desperate.  All you can focus on when you are desperate is money and what will make your quality of life better. The word “happiness” did not come into play at all until I got in a safe environment.

#4 Saved instead of stress spent. Eating and spending money are two things I do when I am stressed . To this day I struggle to get a hold on both. Saving money has helped me pay off some big bills recently :).

If by chance you have the opportunity to have someone help support you, for goodness sakes, take the help. My pride was large when I moved in with my boyfriend. I was hell bent and determined to pay rent. He told me to put rent money towards things I owed or a new camera. My mind told me that this was too big of a gift.  At the end of the day though, I deserve a fucking break. He knows my story and that I have been through it. While letting him help me for a minute I have  had the opportunity to save and help myself.

Count your blessings. Appreciate them. And know that you are NEVER a mistake or a failure. This is a mindset often caused by our surroundings or how others make us feel.

Project DIY Pet Bow Ties

My latest project has been learning to make dog bows that go on collars. I have decided that the market for pet products is pretty big! I see dogs coming into the kennel/vet office with bows, bow tie collars, and clothes. I figured that making a bow would be simple enough….

You know how you watch one of those youtube videos and say wow that looks easy. I could do that just as fast as they could. hahahahaha well let me tell you…. I have come to the assumption that either A. I make easy things really difficult OR B. The person in the youtube video is somehow magical at DIY.  The jury is still out on what the conclusion is. While we let them deliberate, I will go on to say that my bows are starting to look much better. If you had seen what my living room floor looked like a few hours ago, you would have raised your eyebrows.  There was hot glue, fabric, and more hot glue every where. It looked almost like an art box blew up.

It is still a work in progress but it is getting better.  To those interested in how to make them…. here is a youtube link to get you started:

DIY Dog Bow Ties 

Thank you to the people who read and supported my last post on depression. It is hard to share those kinds of moments with people. Those are dark moments that feel lonely and scary.  To get on a computer and share that level f feelings with the world is hard for even me (who shares about everything). I am still pondering the idea of getting the semicolon tattoo that represents depression awareness. For those interested, I posted an article a few days back about it or you can google project semicolon.

Hoping everyone is doing well 🙂

Depression and how it tries to kill us slowly- from a 27 year old girls perspective

I am having one of those nights where I feel sick. Depression is such a sickness. This feeling always passes though and things feel better again. The days come where the world is right and make sense. On those days, I forget what the bad days really feel like. I think mentally my mind numbs those thoughts out. Therefore, on days like today, I need to write so I can remember.

Work has been hell lately. I have felt stressed, negative, and panicked. I love working with animals but cannot handle it when I see mistakes are made on my team. It can be simple stuff that can entirely ruin my day. Anyway, there has been a lot of stress with that going on.

Tonight, my boyfriend explained that he felt like I should work on being more positive. I am not sure that there is anything in this world that I can’t stand more than being told on a day like this to be more positive. In every essence, he is right. In a way, I feel sorry for him. He comes home to wait on a girlfriend battling depression. Though he has never said it, I am sure he struggles with the stress from not knowing what kind of day or attitude I am going to have when I come home. I’m sure it is hard that he can’t fix it or even come close to it. More so, I can imagine that it is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love suffer.

With that being said, I feel defeated about the entire thing. Again, this is a bad day. Tomorrow, I may think this post sounds like it is being written by a dramatic little bitch. Anyway, this is just where I am right now so please meet me there. I honestly don’t think he understands the energy it takes just to work. I suck at getting up in the morning, find that all I want to do is be alone, feel down a lot, and tired all the time. The more I sleep in, the more tired I am. My bones hurt and my mind feels fucked up. On days like this, I want to curl into a ball and scream it isn’t fair. Instead, I settled for hiding in the bathroom at work and stuffing my mouth with snack size candy bars. I felt weak and beyond shot. And yet, I had not even been working six hours.

Most days, the most productive thing I do is wash the dishes and make it into work. That is it. Today, I did better and went to DMV and to college to change my name. I found out I am being awarded a grant at the tech school here in Charleston (aka free money!) to pay for books and college. I also bought a $5 desk I found at Goodwill. It is a crappy desk but it can work to get me started back in school. I told my boyfriend that I was taking 2-3 classes. I explained that 3 may be too much. He was like yeah, maybe. And for some reason that pissed me off. It is like, if I am already doubting I can do three I don’t need to be told yeah you “may” not be able to do three. Because for some reason, what I hear is “you may actually be able to do it …”  I need to take an easy course load and get back into this. I am literally going to sign up for (I think) two easy courses. I need Biology 101 but that would probably put me over the edge right now.

I want to figure out how to beat this. I can’t ever get this intense sadness to go away for long periods of time. On one hand, I don’t ever cry about or for my x husband anymore. But on the other, I still feel like death some days. I’m tired, emotional, frustrated, angry, sad, mis understood, and other negative emotions. From what I was told tonight by my boyfriend, it is happening more often. 😦

Something else that frustrated me was that he told me he can’t keep taking us out to eat. He wants me to either cook or find recipes or other. Sounds easy right? Simple things sound easy until you struggle with depression. I felt like he added fifty more pounds onto what I was carrying already. Just over fucking recipes. I told him that I often am tired and with going into work in the afternoons, I can’t really do that right now. He is like, Jenny you go in at 2 pm to work (insinuating that I have plenty of time).  I felt angry and ashamed at this fact. I wanted to scream “is it not enough for you that I am working?” One other thing was when he said something like “you know how you told me you know I don’t want to come home to negativity every day? I really don’t.” That of course makes me be tempted to say “fine, then get a perfect and crazy perky rich bitch for a girlfriend. Have fun. Enjoy your life with a mentally squeaky clean girl.”  And THAT ladies and gentlemen is depression and anger talking, not logic. In reality, he is kind and patient with me. Like everyone, he is getting tired of the side effects that come with depression. And in trying to help me recover, I feel as if he NEEDS to get rid of that part of me. I hate to say that depression defines me but at this point, I feel like if you can’t handle it then you can’t handle me.

If I have one more decision or thing that I am expected to do, I feel like I am going to lose it.

Sorry for the NEGATIVE post but I needed to vent this. And I want to remember to never take the good days for granted because for me, this is what a bad day looks like.

the semicolon project

Beautiful article. This really hit home with me. I love the tattoo idea.

hpwritesblogs

Today I went to a tattoo artist, and for $60 I let a man with a giant Jesus-tattoo on his head ink a semi-colon onto my wrist where it will stay until the day I die. By now, enough people have started asking questions that it made sense for me to start talking, and talking about things that aren’t particularly easy.

We’ll start here: a semi-colon is a place in a sentence where the author has the decision to stop with a period, but chooses not to. A semi-colon is a reminder to pause and then keep going. 

In April I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. By the beginning of May I was popping anti-depressents every morning with a breakfast I could barely stomach. In June, I had to leave a job I’d wanted since I first set foot on this campus as an incoming freshmen because of my mental…

View original post 1,330 more words

VA Road Trip!

I recently went to Norfolk, VA to visit my best friend Jordan and her husband Jay. I used to live in that exact location with my x husband. So weird. Anyway, I really had a great trip. I have found that some of my best pictures are taken from just stopping alongside the highway.

I literally found a ton of sunflowers that had been planted on the side of the road. I got out of my car and took several shots.

Anyway, I went to go see a lighthouse on a marine base, walk down the pier, go to tropical smoothie (seriously, cannot explain how I have missed that place), drive around, share a kids meal, enjoy Jordan’s new VW bug, look at beach houses that in a second life I owned :), and got caught up on the second season of Orange is the New Black.

All of it was really relaxing!

I am going to make it a goal to travel more. With or without a second person. This was my first trip completely by myself. If felt so weird to do it by myself without even my little chihuahua. At the same time though, it decreased stress majorly. 🙂

Jordan said “I like you when you travel. I like you all the time but I especially like you when you travel. Traveling gives you a sense of independence. The more you do it the more you seem to have.” TRUTH

I’m Divorced

Today, my divorce was FINALLY finalized. I went to court with my x and a mutual friend of ours that had to serve as a witness. We showed up to court and found out there was STILL more paperwork that we had not filled out. Just a word to the wise, if you can find a divorce lawyer for a few hundred dollars to help you with the paperwork…. IT IS WORTH IT.

I’m exhausted, numb, and relieved.

Let me just say quickly that you see some characters when you go to the court house. I was concerned about my open toe black sandal shoes until I saw someone with flip flop looking shoes that appeared to have been bedazzled. This person also wore a bedazzled necklace with large letters. I forget what the word said but between the word necklace and flip flops, my outfit was completely appropriate for court.

There was nothing like hearing the judge grant me my name (before marriage) : Jenny Morgan.  I just looked up to the sky and said thank you. I felt such happiness at getting my identity back. It is hard to describe what that feels like to regain your name.

Something funny that happened is the judges phone rang while he was finalizing our divorce. He stopped talking and for a minute our divorce was paused. He looked down at his phone and said he thought he turned that off. haha I was laughing. It was good comedic relief. Jordan said be it fate or God, that phone rang in the courtroom for a reason. To lighten the mood. Love her.

After, I went to get a extra large cool lime refresher at Starbucks. I can justify spending $5 for an extremely overpriced drink on the day of my divorce.

From there I went to the Social Security office. Once again, there are all kinds of things going on in there. There was a girl with a mohawk, a woman on oxygen that kept sounding like she was choking, women bringing their babies and children in this room and leaving them sitting there as they went up to the little windows, a rough looking man asking for the time while calling me “sister,” etc! When my number was finally called the man inputting my info in the computer said “You didn’t waste any time getting in here did you?” As funny as that statement was, he is damn right. I have waited a year a half to get my name back.

Thankful I made it through today. So thankful. I never broke down and completely cried. I attribute that to the prayer I had before I left the house for court.  I told God what I needed and He met me there.  Between my x, our witness, and myself that I was the one that came out of court looking the happiest. It felt like weight had literally been lifted off.

What I have Survived

What I Have Survived

Due to feeling really down and depressed lately, I think I need to remind myself of some things.

From April 2014-June 2015

-I moved to Jess’s, Katt’s, Rebekah’s, and now Jeremy’s. That is FOUR moves

-I wrecked my Silverado, constantly was drowning in my leaky 1999 VW Cabrio, blew out stick shift twice in black VW Jetta, and finally acquired a beautiful 2013 Nissan Versa from my grandfather.

-I did not finish but I did go back to Charleston Southern University in the midst of this. The point with the mention of this is that when I had no printer, no clothes, hardly any shoes, few school supplies, and worked full time, I TRIED school again.

-I entered my first photography contest at the North Charleston Arts Festival. I did not win but my art hung next to other peoples great works. And honestly, that was more than enough.

-I worked full time, 4 days a week, 12 hour days. I was stuck in kennel which is where I needed to be. Going through pain like that I needed to be in the back, alone, scrubbing the shit (literally) out of dog and cat runs literally. And being able to go into the yard and hug a dog that could sense I felt like I was dying was amazing.

-I got chemically burned while at this job. My hand was on fire and I got treated for a 2nd degree burn with silver burn cream. It had to be wrapped daily and time taken off work.

– I took a really big chance. Momentarily, I took a different job thinking that it was a good decision. The environment did not work for me nor did the hours. I had been offered a shadow previously. Without knowing whether that shadow was still available, I quit current job. I know you are thinking WOW that was smart… but turned out it was worth it. The new vets office let me shadow, I got better hours, better pay, am going to start JUST working PM shifts, and I have been doing Vet Assisting which in my field (especially without a degree as a Vet Tech) is an honor.

I have to keep telling myself it IS getting better. I had a much waited for moment the other day. My Facebook status was:

Jenny Laura

21 hrs ·

There is a place you go to in your mind with bad relationships where you find only good memories/moments. I sought that place for false hope and unhealthy comfort in the past. The other day, out of habit, I tried to go there. It was as if the door had a giant lock with a sign on it saying “enough.” I felt surprisingly sad to let go of the opportunity to revisit a place that kept me sick. Yesterday was the first moment in my entire divorce where the idea of my x, memories, my old life, felt very strange and uncomfortable. I don’t miss him, the fact that we were married, what was, or what never will be. This is the first obvious sign in 1 and a half years that I am healing. 

I don’t know why it took so long to get to a place where this finally happened. It took an incredibly long time to mourn him. I remember my religion teacher saying that a divorce was like losing a body part. I feel like that is an accurate description.  At the end of the day, I think I loved him more. That kept me coming back, kept me being stupid, and kept me hung up on him while he had long since moved on.  I think God had a hand in finally helping my unhealthy thoughts and sadness to end without a doubt.

Fight Song

So right now… this is my song:

Fight Song – Rachel Platten

It is interesting how at different points in our life, we are different people. There are certain songs and hobbies that have brought me peace at different times.

I know this for sure,

I am ready to take back my my life.

Dave Ramsey Tips & Financial Advice

Hey so I am re reading “The Money Answers Book” by Dave Ramsey. I am wanting to get ahead financially so as I read I am going to list things I learned here 🙂

The exact Baby Steps of getting out of debt/financial security from book are these:

1. $1.000 in Emergency Fund

2. Pay off all debt (except house) utilizing the Debt Snowball

3. Three to six months expenses in savings for emergency

4.  Fully fund 15 percent into pretax retirement plans and Roth IRAs, if eligible

5. College Funding

6. Pay off home Early

7. Build Wealth (mutual funds and real estate).

Dave Ramsey recommends tackling your SMALLEST debt first. In my situation, that would be my credit card that has been at about $300 since I don’t even know when. I always pay minimum balance but it never goes away.

The second debt would be my smallest student loan which I believe is around $500.  The others each are $1000 plus which I will look at last.

Using CASH is highly recommended in Dave Ramsey’s book.  He states that “it hurts more to let it go.” Also, the book does not emphasize using credit cards at all. In any situation.  I agree that debit and credit cards are way too easy to use.  Personally, I know how much cash I have so I understand what I am losing when I pay with it. However, with credit cards and debit cards I just assume I have the money often times.  If my debit card does not go through then I just flip out my credit card. It has gotten to be a really bad habit.  Because of it, I often bounce my account.  Instead of having an “emergency” credit card I want to instead have an emergency SAVINGS ACCOUNT that I have checks for. That way, in case of an emergency, I can write a check.

I keep focusing on all this stuff that I do not have instead of digging out of the hole I am already in. I do make minimum payments but that never makes the problem go away.  My  next goal is seriously to pay off my credit card and cut it up.  My new motto is “I can’t have it if I can’t handle it.”

It All Feels Heavy

Everything right now feels heavy. I went to my final divorce court hearing. It was supposed to be completely over. However, I found out my x filed the paperwork too early 😦 .  I had not yet moved out of the house before he filed for separation.  Learn from the mistake and DO NOT do that. It voids the paperwork.  You must be actually separated before you can file which means living at a different location. My good friend Jordan drove down from VA because she is amazing to go to court with me.  We had a nice judge but when she noticed the mistake she was unable to put the divorce through. So my x has to refile paperwork, I have to refill it all back out, then get it to court and get another date. NIGHTMARE.  My hair is literally turning white.

I have been really sad about the college thing not working out. I tried going to CSU last semester but had to drop out a few months until semester was over. I felt like I was having a break down. I would cry almost every day. I worked and studied and went to school.  I did not even like my major and was only doing it in hopes it was something I “could” do. I think I thought that my love for kids would come back like I used to have when I was younger. It didn’t. The teaching idea has come and gone for me.  Often I get money focused  and do things for the wrong reasons.  I ended up switching from one establishment into another vets office in West Ashley.  I work six days a week and am being trained to be a veterinary assistant. That would not have happened had CSU worked out.  The schedules would have been impossible.  I’m trying to believe things happen for a reason so that I do not feel like I am drowning completely in failure. Some days I fail though.

Folly Beach Day and Photography

On one of my last days off I decided to drive down to Folly Beach by myself for the first time. For some reason, going to a crowded beach with limited parking makes me feel really  stressed. I did go though so I am proud of myself for that.  I actually road by this spot on the way back from the beach.  It’s funny…some of my best shots have come from either riding by a place  and turning around or going by it on the way back from a trip and deciding to not keep going.

One other picture is one I took of my cousin Ben out at Folly on a different day. My aunt visited April 2015 and we got to walk along the beach together. Ben very quickly jumped in freezing water and just as quickly became freezing when he got out. :p Love him, his energy, and zest for life.

The Struggle is Real

I’ve been away for a little while (again) so let me get things updated!

I was working full time as a Kennel Tech at an animal hospital in West Ashley (Charleston).  My friend worked at this other employment and I came up with this great idea to try to work their with her too. It involved rescue animals and similar things as I was used too. I learned a VERY valuable lesson in that, ONE MUST ALWAYS SHADOW FOR A JOB.  What is nice for one person is not always nice for another person. I gave my two week notice at current job and of course, was not allowed to serve out the two week notice. Therefore, I was already short on money.  Stayed with that new job for like three days. I was exhausted to the point I would crawl into bed around 3 pm and wake up around 9 or 10pm. Only to try and go back to bed because I had to be up at 4:30 AM.  FML. Long story longer….

Before I took that job I had also been offered a shadow with a different vet hospital right down the road. I did not take the shadow because I thought the other place was a better decision. Panicking I emailed the person who was going to give that to me and asked her for a second opportunity to shadow . THANK GOODNESS the position had not been filled and I was allowed to  come in.  I realized I much prefer a vet environment to a rescue environment.  My personality is very OCD and structured. I like things labeled, to do things a certain way, and to have some independence. This is a teaching hospital which means they train all kinds of students. From new pharmacy techs, vet techs, vet assistants, veterinarians, etc.  Tomorrow, I will be training in SURGERY. I am mind blown by that.  They are pro be going to Penn Foster to get my Vet Tech degree and teaching me at the hospital too. I have to tell myself on hard days…. I HAVE to push through.

My divorce is finalized in a matter of days (MAY 19th). Please think about me on that day. I took entire day off from work and have braced myself to feel sad or other negative emotions. I actually think though that I am going to feel more relieved than I expected. I really am ready for this to be over and to move on. There are days where it still hurts but I do not let it control my life any more.

I am going to be moving again for the 4th time in a year.  It is going to give me a chance to save up money to potentially get my own place. That is definitely the goal.  I almost jumped back into an ocean front property that was nice and expensive. But my friends gave me valuable advice about rethinking my steps and making absolute sure I could afford something like that. I believe the day will come when I can, but it is not today. The picture below is of my actual account. Hence, why I titled this post “The Struggle Is Real.”